What?! Only 35 Percent Of Men Go Down? Say It Ain’t So.
Songs are amazin', man. While I was reading an article on Cosmo's site—one that we are gonna get all up into in just a second—it's crazy what came to mind. OK, so here's my music trivia question for the day. How many of y'all remember Novel from back in the day? If you don't, let me trigger your memory a bit. Here's the chorus to his song, "Peach":
I can eat a peach for hours
Especially when it's sweet not sour
I love it when it's juicy; it's doin' something to me
I can eat a peach for hours
Maybe we can talk for hours
Maybe take a raindrop shower
You can be my queen; I can be yo' king
I can eat a peach for hours
I don't know. Chalk it up to being a really lucky gal, I guess, but back in my sexually-active days, these were the kind of men I knew; not figuratively. Personally. Also, most of the sex I had was in my 20s with men who are also in their 20s. That's why it kinda threw me off when, according to a survey that was conducted by the condom manufacturer Skyn—brace yourselves now—only 35 percent of heterosexual millennial men perform oral sex. Then, to add further insult to injury, according to an exclusive poll that was conducted by Skyn and Cosmo, "Fourteen percent of 18 to 22-year-olds said they 'don't think it's necessary.' And nearly 50 percent of 18 to 27-year-olds are more comfortable having sex than they are giving oral (compared to 32 percent of 28 to 32-year-olds)." What in the world is goin' on?
I read all of Cosmo's article and it had some good content in it. But whenever I hear stuff like this, the natural journalist—and Black woman; not necessarily in that order—in me usually likes to do my own investigating.
Why Men Literally NEED to Have Oral Sex
First, the technical stuff. Going down can trigger the production of oxytocin and DHEA in both partners; this can protect them from heart disease and while calming them down so that they can get a good night's rest. I've been knowing for a while now that vaginal fluid is the ultimate probiotic because it contains between 100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells (depending on the woman). This is a good thing because probiotics are what support our digestive tract. Probiotics also build up our immune system, can help us to lose belly fat, decreases allergy and eczema-related symptoms and can even reduce depression, stress and anxiety. So, strictly from a health standpoint, 65 percent of men are truly missing out when they don't "eat the peach".
Then there's a strong relational point. According to scientific research, a woman is less likely to cheat if her man is a cunnilingus partaker (I feel led to add here, a "good cunnilingus partaker". It's one thing to do it; it's another matter entirely to do it well).
Oh, and for any guy who may be reading this, doesn't do "it" and says that a woman is shallow if not getting oral is what will make her step out, to that, I say this—on the surface, you would be correct, sir. But look deeper. First, how would you feel if your partner (especially if you happen to be in a serious relationship) didn't want to go down on you? And secondly, I don't think that not being on the oral sex receiving end is so much the issue as the selfishness—and, from where I'm sitting, immaturity—is.
Just recently, I wrote about sexual deal-breakers. And, you know what? When it comes to this particular sexual issue, if you and your partner start off the relationship with the understanding that oral sex is not your thing—either of y'all's thing—while that personally baffles me (LOL), I respect that. To each their own. But if you're out here thinking that fellatio should be a given, but cunnilingus isn't on the table—or, as the guys in the poll put it "isn't necessary"—that's a whole and entire problem. You not being an oral sex reciprocator means that you care more about your pleasure than your partner's. And that, dear sir, is what could possibly cause a woman to cheat. Hey, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying I can very easily connect the dots on that.
Still, I'm not gonna be out here patronizing the fellas by assuming that at least some of them are aware of the information I just shared. Especially since I do happen to know a few guys who feel like since they are "packin'", their woman is fully satisfied without cunnilingus (uh, they might want to ask her). That's why, aside from what I just shared, I decided to ask some guys in my world what they thought about the study. The names are changed (because you can be private and freaky, right?) but their responses are verbatim.
Do Guys Like Going Down on Women? 7 Men Have the Answer
*The names have been changed for anonymity
*Perry (35, Married)
"It doesn't surprise me that guys in their 20s and early 30s struggle with giving oral sex. There are so many dumb decisions that are made during that time, including not really getting to know our sexual partners. For a lot of young men, it's not even about fully experiencing sex. They're just out here trying to get a nut. It wasn't until I really started to feel for a woman that I wanted to see all that sex had to offer. I will say this to the guy bucks—you don't know what you're missin'. There is nothing like pleasing a woman. You realize you never really know pleasure until you do."
*Maxwell (24, Single)
"35 percent? That's hilarious, man. I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but I was out here, 'peach eatin' as you call it, before I even got head for the first time. If I'm gonna be really real about it, I did that before I had sex. Maybe it was all of the porn I saw. Maybe because the first girl I did that to had never experienced it before. I've never really thought about it. I just know one time was all I needed. A brotha is definitely hooked!"
*Damon (40, Engaged)
"I'll be real with you. A lot of us perform oral sex on a trial-by-trial basis. Some women we're into enough to do it and some we're not. Some ladies might be upset but, some have the right hygiene, some don't. Some landscape in a way that's appealing, some don't. Some, we don't even see as someone we want to get that close to or with. I think the number is higher than 35. I just think that 35 may be the amount of men who do it all of the time. A lot of us are way pickier."
*Allen (29, Single)
"I know we've got a lot going on when we ejaculate, but unless a woman has been with a woman in that way, they don't get that they have a lot going on down there too. Some of us just need to ease into all of that. My first time story is I always thought I would never go down on a girl. But one time, the head that I got was so f—kin' good that I was like, 'I'm a punk ass nigga if I don't try and make her feel the same way.' I haven't looked back since. Damn, where's her phone number?"
*Keith (32, Single)
"I think that if a man likes to kiss, he likes to kiss everywhere. That's all I got to say about it."
*Rashad (45, Married)
"Don't let these lames fool you. If a guy doesn't go down, it's more about him than you. On the emotional tip, it's a vulnerable act. We've got a lot of ego too, so it's scary to think that we might do it and our partner won't be pleased. A lot of men try and project that not going down is about the woman, but it's all about him. Don't @ me on that."
*Shawn (30, Single)
"I don't think you can fully know a woman until you have consumed ever part; her p—y included. I don't just mean the woman you're with at the time. I mean, you have a lot to learn about all women until you do. The smell. The sounds that she makes. The way she touches you when it happens. Even the way that she cums—it's all just…different. It's like she's letting you in on a side to her that is classified information. That alone makes it a hell of a turn on. Hell, addicting. Men do it. Men like it. Those who don't should categorize themselves with the rest of us."
Welp. There you have it. It's not like I didn't try and find "one of the 35 percent". Thankfully, the men I know find oral sex—whether they are giving or receiving it—to be very, very necessary. Not to "cunnilingus shame" those who don't but, maybe this lil' write-up will at least give you something else/more to think about.
After all, in the wise words of some man who I'm sure goes down on a regular basis—"Don't knock it until you've tried it." Peach-eatin' will richly bless you in more ways than one. If you don't believe me, read this all over again. And again...and again (while listening to Novel to totally gas you up!).
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images