Male-centric sex in my life has come to an end.
I was recently talking to a friend who told me that one of his greatest fantasies was to get the best head of his life on top of a mountain. He continued on to say he's never gotten any really amazing head before, to which I replied, "You put in what you get out. Maybe you haven't gotten any amazing head because you haven't given any amazing head".
"Oh, I don't do that," he said adamantly and without hesitation.
Really?
While I understand that every relationship is different, I was convinced that the oral sex double standard had been played out for years; I was sadly mistaken. Reflecting back on my own sexual experiences, I realize that when I was younger, it was taboo to ask a guy to eat the box, but now that I've grown into a woman, it's a requirement.
An interview between DJ Khaled and The Breakfast Club from 2014 recently resurfaced and has the internet up in arms about whether or not it's necessary for your man to reciprocate oral sex and prompting some hilarious commentary from onlookers. In the interview, Khaled said:
"It's different rules for men. We the king, so there's some things y'all might not wanna do, [but] it gotta get done. I just can't do what you want me to do. I just can't."
Khaled isn't alone in his thinking, as many cultures hail cunnilingus as a submissive act.
"I believe a woman should praise the man, the king. If you holding it down for the woman, I feel the woman should praise and the man should praise the queen but my way of praising is called 'How was dinner? You like the house you living in?' 'You like all the clothes you getting,' 'I'm taking care of your family. I'm taking care of my family?' You know, putting in the work."
Y'all smell that? Smells like the funky ass patriarchy indulging in some internalized misogyny at play here, and I want to get to the bottom of it. For years, vaginas have been used and abused for convenience, but I have made it my personal mission to end the male-centric sex in my life.
I have one golden rule in the bedroom, I come first.
Eating p*ssy is an obvious prerequisite for my strict requirement, and I won't have sex with a man unless he's down to lick all 32 flavors.
Stars like Dwayne Johnson, Amanda Seales, and even the dictionary weighed in on the comical double standard. Seales joked in an Instagram video:
"So, Khaled doesn't eat p***... How can someone that's so much about motivation and support not understand the value of putting your face in the box? And then you gotta wonder like, what is he doing, if he ain't eating the puss?"
Let's face it, vaginal orgasms from strictly penetration are pretty much a myth. If you know someone who's had one, please find her and ask her to call me, I need to understand how this happened. Women normally require some type of clitoral stimulation before achieving an orgasm, and it's time to retire the age old theology that the d*ck should be enough. It's just not bro. No matter how big, wide, and strong a man is, it takes some quality TLC to help a woman reach her level of optimal pleasure.
Although I personally need a bang for my buck, this writer from Madame Noire hit the nail on the head about the real message that men perpetuate by not being willing to go down on their lovers: that they are selfish, inconsiderate and ignorant.
"Perhaps, he has a rare woman who doesn't appreciate oral sex and she's happy with him. At the end of the day, everything ain't for everybody. But what's particularly troubling is the message that's being disseminated here. I'm not speaking about Khaled and his fiancee. It might work for the both of them. But being in a romantic relationship requires more than money to ensure that both parties are happy. Paying for dinner, buying clothes and taking care of family doesn't give men a pass to have all their needs met while a woman goes without."
As much as I enjoy watching a man's eyes roll back and his toes curl as I give him the the ride of his life, no man will enjoy the fruits of my fellatio without offering up some sloppy top first.
The misogynistic idea that women should be satisfied by mediocre dick and the fulfillment of basic financial obligations alone is dead. Millennial women have succeeded in pioneering and securing the bag and achieving sexual liberation, creating a culture of women who know that they too, deserve to have orgasms.
Reciprocity is key.
If you haven't seen the controversial video yet already, click here or watch it below.
- Dwayne Johnson Speaks Out After DJ Khaled Admits He Doesn't Go ... ›
- DJ Khaled Doesn't Like Giving Oral Sex to Women ›
- DJ Khaled said he does not perform oral sex on women because ... ›
- DJ Khaled Said He Expects Oral Sex But Won't Return The Favor ... ›
- DJ Khaled Doesn't Go Down On His Wife, Why That Sucks ›
- Breakfast Club Classic: DJ Khaled Explains Why He Doesn't Go ... ›
- DJ Khaled Said He Doesn't Go Down on Women and the Internet ... ›
- DJ Khaled Doesn't Eat It - YouTube ›
- DJ Khaled Explains Why He Doesn't Go Down on Women ›
That’s why, whenever single women will tell me that they are getting restless as they wait on their husband to make his presence known, I am quick to ask, “Girl, where are your male friends at?” Because while they can’t meet every need that a husband can (and should), believe me when I say that they do offer some bona fide benefits that will definitely make them a great alternative on a few different levels.
I’ve got a solid six for you today.
1. Men Are Not Women. Let’s Start There.
GiphyListen, I’m sure that there is a lot of good stuff out in TikTok world; however, as a life coach myself, on the coaching front, truly sensible advice can really be like a needle in a haystack on that platform — especially when it comes to trustworthy (and sound) insight on men. So much stuff is rooted in bitterness, stereotypes, and gross generalizations (generalizations are typically rooted in bitterness, by the way) that there’s no way that it can be seen as being even close to being reliable.
And as much as some of y’all might not want to hear what I’m about to say, I think a part of the reason is because a lot of women don’t want to accept that men are just…different. Not in a “Yeah, I know. They should be more like us” kind of way. I mean, a “God made it that way by design, and science is there to back it up.”
For instance, some professionals believe that women having more blood flood to the brain is why they are more emotional in their communication style, while men are typically more direct (more on that in a bit). Other studies reveal that women are more comfortable with their emotions while men tend to be more centered (and sometimes quicker) at problem-solving. And while a woman’s right hemisphere of her brain is more developed to the point where she is more sensitive and empathetic, a man’s is more developed to where he is more “mathematic” (2+2=4, that’s it) and explorative.
This kind of stuff always fascinates me, so while I could go on and on, the bottom line here is men's and women’s wiring are not identical.
And while society keeps trying to make them be the same via all of these damn gender wars, the beauty in the differences is men and women can actually provide each other with balance. Because, after all, as a man by the name of Larry Dixon once said, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” And both men and women are…necessary.
2. Guys Tend to Have a “Straight No Chaser” Approach
GiphyWhenever I read an article about how social media is creating more narcissists than ever, I can’t help but nod my head up and down in total agreement. I don’t even hesitate because one example of this that I see on a regular basis is how people are becoming more and more wired for praise, and yet they can’t handle any kind of criticism or call out to hold themselves accountable to save their lives.
You know who will bring you back down to earth, though? A good friend. And guy friends? I guess due to some of the science that I just mentioned, I don’t have one in my life who pulls any punches. Although some are more, let’s go with tactful in their approach (LOL), there’s not one who sugarcoats issues or tells me what I want to hear. And you know what? I need that. I don’t need flatterers (even the Bible frowns on that…did you know that? — Job 17:5); I need folks who will be as direct, candid, and “Well Shellie, you asked” as I tend to be with other people. It keeps me responsible. It grows me up. And it helps me to better discern when my ego is getting all up in the way.
Yeah, if you want to hear the REAL real, a guy will deliver it to you. Which brings me to the next way that they are a true “win.”
3. They’re Good At Catching Blind Spots
GiphyBack when I was on my “Get Your Heart Pieces Back Tour” (you can read more about it here), there was a guy from my past who I was talking heavy with for a few weeks. He’s always been fine. The sex was always incredible. And, back in the day, he was there for me during a time that was very dark in my life, which is why I will always hold a special affection for him. That’s why, I ain’t got no lies to tell y’all — after our first eight-hour-straight conversation, I was ready to get on a plane and (eh hem) relive some memories. So, what stopped me? One was a particular conviction that I have (perhaps we’ll discuss that at another time). Another was a conversation that I had with two of my male friends.
One asked me, “So, who contacted who?” Oh, the loaded question that will make you reflect on talking to these exes, chile. The other said, “He said he did what when he found out his ex cheated?” Listen, I don’t know who reads my content or not as far as people who know or who knew me, so I won’t get all into the details. I’ll just say that it wasn’t anything violent, but it was intense. And those two questions, put together, caused me to ponder some things that I wouldn’t have otherwise.
Because while my girlfriends thought that it was some rom-com come to life, my guy friends were like, “Uh-uh. Think it ALL the way through.” They simply had eyes where I didn’t because…they are guys who know guys. Simple as that.
4. They’re Like the Big Brothers (or More Big Brothers) You Never Had
GiphyI didn’t really notice how much I needed my blood brother until he moved to South Africa. Even though he’s younger than I, there’s a presence that he provided that made me feel protected; like if some ish really hit the fan, I had someone to call who could help me to feel safe. Thankfully, over the course of the first couple of years that he was gone, some “love brothers” came into the world. And when I tell you that they don’t play about me — I mean, at all.
A good example of this is when my house burned down back in December of 2021. Two immediately sent me a laptop (because for a writer, that’s like not having a car). One sent me the deposit for a new place to stay. Another came to check on me for a week straight. I can’t tell you how many mini-sermons I got on how to legally proceed with my landlords. Bottom line, they held me down and didn’t even give it a second thought. And although my girlfriends had my back as well, they were coming more from a nurturing stance, while my male friends were more protective.
Another example. Earlier this year, I had to drive to another state to sue the person I bought my car from (heads up: a meditator told me that Kentucky has some of the strictest as-is laws in the country). Long story short, the dealer assured me of a feature that wasn’t there. Anyway, I asked one of my male friends to drive me, and even though we took my car, he was like, “Let me drive” — and I had no problem with that. He does it for a living; we had to leave while it was still dark outside, and he knew that I was kind of tired. There was a natural “let me cover you” energy about him that we didn’t need to be dating for it to show up — he’s a good man who knows how to take care of ALL of the women in his life. I love that for me.
One more example. One time my car didn’t start, and I didn’t know what to do. I had to leave it in a random parking lot and, so I called a male friend for some advice. All he said was, “I got it. I’ll call you later.” By that evening, he drove it to me. He had a mechanic friend of his put a new alternator in, and he didn’t even charge me for it. He was like, “Girl, you need to get a man, but until you do, I got you.”
When all you have in your life are guys who you date, sometimes it’s hard to discern what their motives may be. Plus, if things don’t work out, you’re back to figuring everything out on your own. When you have male friends, though? There’s no slick ish. Plus, they’re not going anywhere. You’ve got brothers from another mother who acts just like that. And it’s awesome.
5. They Are Awesome Friend (or Stand-In) Dates
GiphyOne of my male friends, folks have been thinking that we’re screwing on the low for years now. He’s a cutie. He can sing his butt off. I tell him often that if I could turn his speaking voice into a person, that part of him (and that part alone) would be my sneaky link, for sure (that voice!). Yet nah — nothing even remotely sexual/physical has happened to us beyond a hug “hello” and a hug “good-bye.” And while I wouldn’t say that we’re exactly “platonic” because he sometimes jokes that “Shellie, you are like a sister, but you still ain’t my sister” and that holds a bit of subtext (check out “Here's Why Very Few Relationships Can Actually Be 'Platonic'”), we’ve got almost two decades under our belts — at this point, ain’t nothin’ finna go down. It just doesn’t “click” that way. And we are both so good with that.
That doesn’t mean that we’re not each other’s kick-it buddies, though. Aside from the fact that we try to have a lunch or dinner date once a month, if there’s something we want to do or a place we want to go to, we don’t hesitate to take each other as an unofficial date. That’s because we know that it will make the event more fun and less stress-filled because there is no extra stress, pressure, or expectations. We also know how to dress up or down, be casual or corporate — y’all get it.
Yeah, if you’ve got something coming up, you don’t want to go alone, and the idea of a traditional date seems like it would be “too much,” a guy friend is the perfect solution. It has worked out for me (with the guy whom I’m referring to and others) for years now.
6. Platonic Love Is Really Special
GiphyClearly, I believe that men and women can be “just friends” (check out “Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be 'Just Friends'”). And although the genuine definition of platonic means that there is NO sexual interest on ANY level (which is why I think that word is used too loosely), those types of relationships can exist — and they are truly one of a kind.
Final example. I’ve got four male friends who I absolutely adore. We hang out. We can talk on the phone for hours. We send each other stupid clips throughout the day. And HELL NAW, we ain’t gonna date each other. Like…ever. We talk enough about relationships that we get how and why other people are attracted to us — and still, that doesn’t mean we want to fit into those categories. We like each other. We love each other. We trust and respect each other. We enjoy each other. As friends, and that’s all it’s ever gonna be.
However, because I am a woman and they are men, we bring something into each other’s worlds as far as opinions, perspectives, and insights that no one of the same sex can. As their friend (for instance), I tell them when a woman has some ulterior motives that they haven’t even thought about, and as men, they tell me when a guy is just wanting to hit, no matter how cryptic their approach may be.
OH, HOW I LOVE MY MALE FRIENDS. They make my world so much richer. Plus, they’re great reminders that you don’t have to be sexual with a man in order for you to be intimate with him. Men are far more layered than that (contrary to whatever you may hear in the media).
So, if you don’t have any strictly male friends, I’m hoping that this will encourage you to at least consider getting some (or hell, at least one). And if you do, do what I do and treat your male friends to a meal sometimes, just to say “thank you”. Men who’ve got your back, just because, without wanting you to get on your back? Sis, they deserve a seasonal meat-‘n-three or somethin’. Wouldn’t you say? I WOULD.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images
