Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels

When it comes to having sex, is your mind right?


The interesting thing about foreplay is, a lot of people only factor in the physical whenever the topic—or the act—comes up. And while, to a certain extent, that's all well and good, the best lovers know that if you get someone's mind in the space to want to engage in a lil' hot 'n heavy coitus, the body is pretty much gonna follow. This is why I personally believe that mental foreplay is so important. And when you really get down to what it truly entails, I think you'll also start to see that it consists of a set of actions that transpire long before two people are boo'ed up in the bedroom.

Whether your sex life is currently bangin' (no pun intended) or it honestly could improve on a few levels, I've got 10 ways for you to get your mind in a space where you're totally looking forward to having sex. Good. Hot. Long. Passionate. Totally mind-blowing sex. Ready?

1. Start Your Day with Something That Makes You Feel Sexy


Again, when it comes to having a great sex life, one of the greatest mistakes that a lot of people make is waiting until a few moments before the actual act to do anything that will put them—and their partner—in the mood.

Let's break out of that pattern, shall we? One way to do that is to get up out of bed with the decision to do something that will make you feel sexy all day long. It could be putting on some sexy lingerie underneath your work clothes. Wearing a scent that you already know drives your partner insane (in the best way possible, of course). Putting on your favorite red dress, blouse, pumps or shade of lipstick (red symbolizes love, passion and energy). It really is up to you.

Whatever you decide to do, just make sure it's something that makes you walk with more of a sway in your hips, speak with a little more "breath" in your tone of voice and definitely makes you think of the endless possibilities between you and your boo thang all day long.

2. Shorten Your Work Meetings


While on the surface, this one might seem a bit odd, just stick with me and I'm sure you'll see the vision. An elder in my life used to say, "After 15 minutes on the phone, all you end up doing is repeating yourself." To a large extent, that is some spot-on insight. You know what else tends to be longer than it should? Work-related meetings. Two hours, shoot, even an hour, more times than not, ends up dragging along and wearing you out (whether it's over Zoom or not). So, when it comes to the meetings that you actually can control, try and shorten them to 30 minutes. You'd be amazed how it will force you and others to get to the point and get on with the day.

And just how will this tactic help your sex life? Well, by the time you get home, you won't feel quite as mentally drained. As a bonus, it can also help you to make the most of your time in the bedroom too. Hey, sometimes life gets hectic and so, while an orgasm or two sounds really nice in theory, you may have a hard time figuring out how to fit it in. Sometimes carving out 30 minutes for a lil' quickie seems a whole lot more doable than trying to pull off an all-nighter. And since work has taught you to make the most of your time, it's easier for that to translate once you're off of the clock.

3. Say “No” More Often


It was actually Steve Jobs who once said, "It's only by saying 'no' that you can concentrate on the things that are really important." When it comes to spending some quality time with your partner, I can't think of too many more things that should take precedence over that. Yeah, we all have 24 hours in a day and yet, when it's all said and done (eight hours for work and eight hours for sleep), some of us only have eight "free" hours. If saying "yes" to everyone is resulting in you feeling frazzled, frustrated or totally out of the mood, most of the time, something's gotta give—and it shouldn't be your sex life. Each week, put together a schedule. Start with the things that are of the utmost priority and work your way down. Things that can be put off until later, schedule them for that. Stuff that you know you should say "no" to, do that too. Life is too short to not be saying, "yes, yes, YES!" more often. If you know what I mean. Say "no" so that you can say "yes".

4. Hug Yourself


Tell me something. When was the last time that you hugged yourself? It might sound a lil' cray-cray; however, if you Google the benefits that come from doing just that, it includes everything from improving your self-esteem and calming you down to putting you in a better mood and even boosting your immune system. The real tripped out part? All you need to do is embrace yourself for 20 seconds in order to feel some of these effects. And we all know that the better we feel, the more interested in sex we tend to be. So do you, your partner and your sex life a favor and hug yourself a few times throughout the day. It can be the kind of mental foreplay hack that can make all of the difference in the world.

5. Listen to Some Sexy Music


Last spring, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, "Before You Pull Out Your Playlist, This Is How Music Affects Your Sex Life".

Something that's a scientific fact is, whenever we listen to sexy music, it affects the pleasure, bonding and limbic (the part that deals with our emotions as well as our memory) parts of our brain. In fact, when we listen to a song that we really like, it can have a similar effect as sexual pleasure.

Lawd. No wonder listening to Jodeci (or even an indie old-school joint called "Interstate") can still make a sistah mentally "go in". Some of us are good for playing some 90s R&B or Doja Cat as a way to set the mood. What I'm encouraging you to do is to move the getting-into-the-mood space hours before by listening to your favorite sexy tunes. It's a mental form of edging that is truly unmatched.

6. Take 20-30 Minutes to “Shift Gears” When You Get Home


If you're married, something that I recommend you check out is "7 Things Married Couples Should Do...At The END Of Their Day". One of the tips that I recommend in it is that you give yourself and your spouse at least 20 minutes to mentally shift gears from what is needed at work to what is needed at home (even if you and your partner don't live together, this can be a helpful thing; to not call them all of the time on the way home, so that they can always mentally get out of "work mode"). Sometimes, we're so in a rush to get on with whatever is required in the house, that it can put unnecessary pressure and strain on us and our partner—and stress isn't sexy. Greeting them at the door with a kiss and then being intentional about giving each other some quiet time can work wonders when it comes to everyone processing the energy of the house. And you know what? This can ultimately make both of you feel so much more receptive to getting intimate…later in the evening.

7. Write Down Your CURRENT Sexual Needs


I've shared before that one of my favorite couple-related quotes is, "People change and forget to tell one another." The reality is that the person you said your vows to on your wedding day is going to change, many times, in a variety of different ways, before their life comes to an end. So will you. And if the two of you don't share each other's thoughts, feelings and needs during those different stages of transitions, it's very easy to literally grow apart—to even become strangers to a certain extent.

Your sex life is not exempt from this point. Truth is, what turned you on and got you off in your 20s may be very different in your 30s, 40s and 50s (check out "How Your Man Can Adjust To Your 'Sexual Growth Spurts'"). That's why, I don't care how long you've been with someone or how well you think that they know you, it is your responsibility to convey what your current sexual needs are. I don't mean that you be vague or abstract either. Get as specific as possible. One way to make sure that you are crystal clear is to write your thoughts down beforehand. Sex journaling is a technique that can help you to process where you stand, so that you're mentally confident enough to have the conversation with your partner. A huge part of sex is about communication. The clearer you are, the better.

8. Focus on Body Positivity


I recently had a debate with someone about the fact that, I find it really interesting that, while a lot of women will say that a man is shallow if he isn't attracted to a plus-size woman, oftentimes those same plus-size women don't ever consider dating heavier men (the double standards really are abundant out here!). When it comes to embracing body positivity, we all really need to practice what we preach. Anyway, if you're someone who always prefers to have sex in the dark, limits sex to certain positions (that make you feel less body conscious) and/or you can't remember the last time when you had sex completely naked, please read "These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More", "10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem" and "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey".

If you're already sexually involved with someone, believe you me that they are already into you and far less critical than you are about your body. All they want you to do is enjoy them while they enjoy you. That's so much easier to do when you feel more positive about your body. Please make that a top priority, just as soon as you possibly can.

9. Take Clocks Out of Your Bedroom


No doubt about it. There really is such a thing as being a slave to the clock. Don't believe me? How many times have you been at home, enjoying a movie or talking on the phone, looked over at the clock and then ended either activity suddenly, just because of what the clock revealed to you? While there is something to be said for keeping a schedule, there's also something to be said for relaxing more when it comes to how we process time as well. That said, if you've got a clock in your bedroom, it could be a covert enemy when it comes to you enjoying sex more often because 1) you might deny sex because the clock says it's too late or 2) you might rethink having it in the middle of the night because the clock says it's too early or 3) you may abruptly end sex (or try to rush it along) because of the time that is on the clock. Bedrooms are for sex and sleep and that really can't be stated enough. Anything in your bedroom that is mentally, physically or even emotionally hinder either activity from happening—it's really gotta go.

10. Flirt. Then Foreplay.


Have you ever looked up the definitions of flirting before? One of them is "to behave or act amorously without emotional commitment". However, as we close this out, the one that I'm referring to is "to deal playfully". Flirting can be cool because it takes the pressure off of trying to be super seductive—at least initially—if you think that it will somehow make you feel self-conscious. Winking and/or blowing kisses at your partner. Leaving a cute note somewhere that they'll see it. Complimenting them. Initiating an impromptu slow dance. Starting a pillow fight. These are just a few ways that you can flirt as a way to bring some laughter and sweetness into the dynamic before transitioning into foreplay—which will hopefully transition into full-on sexual intercourse.

I know. Mental foreplay hacks don't get brought up often. Hopefully, though, you're able to see how they can definitely play a role in improving your sex life. Because when your mind is right—the sky truly is the limit when it comes to all sorts of sexual possibilities!

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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