

Oftentimes, when I'm asked to list three things that aren't discussed nearly enough in marriage, I typically say something along the lines of 1) people who are hypocrites in their relationship in the sense of expecting from their spouse what they aren't prepared to be or give themselves; 2) folks who don't make friendship a main focal point in their relationship with their partner; and 3) individuals who don't get that, just like there are "seasons of sex" in long-term relationships, there are also, what I call "sexual growth spurts" that individuals experience too.
An example that immediately comes to mind is a couple I know who are basically sexless at the moment. A big part of the reason why is because the husband is arrogant. Oh, and lazy. What I mean by that is, he truly believes that since he is "packin'", that his wife should automatically be satisfied. Their situation isn't all his fault, tho. She admits that when they were dating—and even during the season of them living together—"bang, bang, bang" sex (you know, the kind that consists of subpar foreplay, not much intimacy, and next-to-nothing afterplay) was cool. However, as she's gotten older and matured, that simply doesn't work, for her, anymore. He thinks she's trippin'. She thinks he's selfish. There is clearly a huge disconnect. It's an entire mess. Unfortunately, it's also not rare.
It's been heavily reported that 15-20 percent of marriages are considered to be sexless (this means that the couples in them have sex less than 10-15 times a year). But I'm not sure how much it is explored that a part of this could be due to the fact that one person is in one place sexually while another is someplace entirely different; that one person has had some personal epiphanies while the other has not…at least not yet. And, if that is indeed the case, if it is true that one partner has indeed encountered a sexual growth spurt while their partner has not, what should they both do? If the "growing one" is you, here are some suggestions to hopefully get your sex life back on track.
Get Clear About Where and How You’ve Changed
I'd have to say that about 70 percent of the time, while I'm in a session with a couple, I'm reminded of why poor communication is a leading cause of divorce. The reason why I say that is because, sometimes it can take hours' worth of meetings, just to get to the root of what their issue is. For instance, whenever one partner shares how "over it" they are, I ask why, and they say something along the lines of, "I'm just not the same person anymore" and then I inquire, "In what way?", you should see the look on their face when they can't figure out how to explain what they mean. Well shoot, if you don't know how you're different, how is your partner supposed to adjust to your changes and how can I help to facilitate that shift?
If you're doing this life thing correctly, you're supposed to be ever-growing and evolving, yes, even sexually. But if you don't know how to convey in what ways you are doing that, there's not much anyone can do to help you out; your partner included.
That's why, the first thing that I recommend is taking out a few hours to do some serious sex journaling. Reflect on how you were when you first became sexually active, when you first got with your partner, and the way you are now. What was it about how you were 10-15 years ago that may be totally different in this moment? Also, what about your relationship with your partner—both inside and outside of the bedroom—has changed to the point where your sexual needs and wants have transitioned too? Clarity can help to bring forth productive conversations between you and your spouse, which is always a good thing.
Express What Your Sexual Needs Are Now
There are a lot of conceited partners out here in the world. Oftentimes, that conceit translates into being patronizing and condescending as hell. Listen, just because you may be in a different headspace when it comes to sex, that doesn't make your partner "less than". It doesn't necessarily or automatically mean that you've "elevated" either. It simply means that your needs are different now and so you desire different things in order to be sexually fulfilled. That's only fair. But as you make strides to convey this point to your partner, it's important to not approach them in a way that makes them feel like you are somehow "above" them.
That is what I had to tell the wife of the couple that I mentioned earlier. Just because she wants more foreplay than she used to, doesn't make her husband a bad lover all of a sudden. The reality is that she's older than she used to be; menopausal too. Her hormones have shifted and that oftentimes requires more foreplay in order to get fully aroused. For a few months, she decided that the way to bring this up to her husband was to tell him that his approach to sex was "immature". What partner wants to hear that? Plus, it's not even true. Her body is different now. Full stop. Simple as that. Her sex life now needs to meet her where her body is.
That's just one example, but I think you get my point. A good lover is going to want their partner to be pleased, even if what it takes to do that is very different from what they are used to. But the only way that a lover can remain great is by receiving clear, concise and kind communication from their partner. Have the talk. Just make sure to deliver where you're currently at in a way that still makes your partner feel good about himself, the relationship and your sex life.
Accept That Sometimes We Grow At Different Times—and in Different Ways
Something that I really respect about healthy married couples who've been together a decade or more is the fact that it represents what it means to stay together, even if, as individuals, you're growing at different paces. In fact, I think that's what a lot of couples who break-up mean when they say, "We've grown apart"; for whatever the reason, they weren't able to master how to find the balance between remaining committed as a unit while still allowing each other to flourish as individuals…especially if it's in different ways and at different times.
Hormonal changes. Spiritual evolutions. Books. Therapy. Practices like orgasmic meditation and erotic self-focus. Time. All of these things can play a direct role in you coming to a new place about what works for you sexually and what doesn't.
What's important to remember, during your own sexual growth spurts, is your partner may be in a totally different place than you—and there is nothing wrong with that. A successful relationship is all about compromise. It's important to accept that while he may need to adjust to your "new normal", you may also need to be open to the fact that certain aspects of your sex life with him, to him, should remain the same.
Be Lovingly Patient
As far as relationships go, the word "patient" is, hands down, one of my favorite words to apply in sessions. While most of us automatically associate it with waiting, the definition that I like is, "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". In the context of this particular article, let's go with the words "annoyance" and "delay". When you have recently encountered a sexual growth spurt, it's important that you bear with the annoyances and possible delays of your partner learning how to adjust to what you now need without complaining or getting angry. Whew!
Here's an example. A woman told me that, for years, she hated receiving oral sex (I know, right? What in the world?!). But something that therapy revealed to her was she associated cunnilingus with a guy from her past who left her devastated. See, it wasn't so much the act that she didn't like; it was that she didn't want to "open herself up" in that way to someone else. Not receiving cunnilingus was basically a wall that she built to keep emotional pain away. Once she came into that revelation, she basically started demanding it from her partner. Meanwhile, he is not a big fan of oral himself so, what used to be a mutual understanding for them (it didn't need to happen), it had now become a point of contention.
No one should feel pressured into doing something, simply because their partner up and changes their mind about it. Just like you've had to get used to your areas of growth, your partner will have to do the same. If he cares about you, he will. But in the meantime, meet him halfway and be patient. Don't complain. Don't get angry. Just help him get used to what your needs now are.
Remember That Good Sex Is Always About Establishing a True Connection
When it comes to sex, no matter what page you're on vs. your partner, the key is to make sure that you're still in the same book (hopefully, the same chapter too). And hopefully, what it's based on is making sure that an emotional connection continues to transpire. Sexual wants and even sexual technique both play a very essential role in establishing a truly lasting and fulfilling sex life. So long as both of you, both feel like you're in this thing—which, in this article, I mean the bed—together and you both want to please one another, the sexual growth spurts that come along the way will figure themselves out.
Life is all about growth. Bedroom action is not exempt from this fact. Keep growing, sis. Just make sure to keep your partner abreast, lovingly so, along the way.
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
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Ashley Versher is known for her work in the Tyler Perry's Beauty In Black series and more recently, she starred alongside Taraji P. Henson in the Netflix film Straw. But she is more than just her acting credits and stunning looks (her hair alone is everything). In an xoNecole exclusive, Ashley dishes on her first celebrity crush, how she spends her downtime, and her go-to haircare products because we need the deets.
Get to know Ashley below.
xoNecole: Where are you from?
Ashley Versher: San Francisco - BAY AREAAAAAA!!!!
xoN: What was your first major acting role?
AV: A 49ers Super Bowl commercial - I think I was 3.
Ashley Versher
Johnny Marlow
xoN: Have you ever had an embarrassing or funny audition story? If so, what happened?
AV: Yes! I was doing a self-tape once and I forgot to take off my bonnet. But the tape was so good I sent it in anyway.
xoN: Your hair is gorgeous. What has it been like navigating Hollywood with natural hair?
AV: Thank you so much! Navigating Hollywood with natural hair has definitely been a journey of self-discovery. Early on, I had to make a conscious decision about how I wanted to show up—not just in this industry, but for myself. Once I fully embraced my natural hair and committed to the journey, everything else began to align. It’s been nothing short of empowering.
Navigating Hollywood with natural hair has definitely been a journey of self-discovery. Early on, I had to make a conscious decision about how I wanted to show up—not just in this industry, but for myself.
xoN: What are your favorite go-to hair products?
AV: Ooooooo, right now I’m loving Camille Rose’s Jai Twisting Butter—it’s super moisturizing and gives me a fun, bouncy twist-out! I’ve also recently gotten into oils, and I’m especially loving sweet almond oil.
xoN: We know you as an actress, but what is another special talent you have that most people don't know about?
AV: I trained as a classical violinist for 13/14years.
xoN: Who is your hero?
AV: My mom. She’s incredible - full stop.
Ashley Versher
Johnny Marlow
xoN: How do you like to spend your down time?
AV: Ha! What’s that!? Jk jk, I love to travel, that’s honestly my favorite thing.
xoN: Who was your first celebrity crush?
AV: Prince.
xoN: What is your dream role?
AV: One day I will play a witch with Harry Potter-like powers!
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Feature image by Johnny Marlow