As of late, retrogrades---and in particular, Mercury retrograde---bring on a lot of feelings of grief and dread for many. But what exactly is a retrograde? Let's start from a literal definition: basically it means that a planet appears to be moving backward as the Earth passes by on its orbit. However, we know that planets do not actually move backward, it is an illusion that occurs because the planets are moving at different speeds when they pass one another. That is the very science-based definition of retrograde for all you science folks out there.
However, for astrology/zodiac purposes, we have to first talk about what it means for a planet to "go direct". Most of the time each planet is in the motion of being direct or "normal". A planet moving in retrograde motion means that it is contrary to the normal flow of things, presenting an exception or challenge to a sense of normalcy. Also note, each planet has its own retrograde time period and its own direct time period. Simply put, Mercury is not the only planet that goes retrograde. They all do, and each planet's retrograde means something different. How can we combat the negative effects of retrograde and use this time to our benefit?
Your Guide To What Planets In Retrograde Means
Mercury Retrograde & What It Means
space astronomy GIFGiphyMercury (Communication): Mercury normally goes retrograde three to four times a year and serves as a quarterly check to evaluate your communications, how efficient you are being with your tasks, and how effectively you are going after your goals. Normally during Mercury retrograde, communication gets muddied, technology starts to malfunction, and things may seem to not be working to your advantage.
What you should do: Mercury retrograde is not the time to start anything new or to any projects. The likelihood of its success is low. Your time is best spent reevaluating and improving on existing systems and structures.
Venus Retrograde & What It Means
Venus GIF by The TelegraphGiphyVenus (Love and Money): Venus goes retrograde every 18 months and urges us to re-evaluate our love lives. During this time, old relationship issues that you may have thought were solved will reappear. You may also find yourself reevaluating your finances and how to improve our budget.
What you should do:Venus retrograde is a great time to deepen your sense of self-worth and honing in on your closest values. All areas of your life that you honor yourself are up for review. Take this time to reflect and adjust where necessary.
Mars Retrograde & What It Means
mars GIFGiphyMars (Aggression and Assertion): Every two years, Mars goes retrograde. Mars is in control of aggression or how you assert yourself, particularly in your sex life, ambitions, and when you are angry. During Mars retrograde, you will start to struggle with making things happen for yourself.
What you should do: During Mars retrograde, it is best to find new ways to channel your energy to be productive and pleasurable. We don't focus on pleasure enough, so this is a great time to be selfish. You need to tackle these things head-on, and at the end of retrograde, you will be more focused than ever before.
Saturn Retrograde & What It Means
saturn GIFGiphySaturn (Restrictions/Responsibility/Fears/Self-Discipline): When Saturn retrogrades, it is occurring for about ⅓ of the year and averages about 20 weeks. This retrograde is all about keeping us in line. Saturn wants all of us to accomplish our goals, live a balanced, healthy life, and work hard. If you are not living up to Saturn's standards, this time will remind you of how karma works. During Saturn retrograde, we get a break from the new lessons and a chance to revisit old ones but gentler and familiar.
What you should do: To make it through Saturn retrograde, you need to reflect on previous life lessons you learned when Saturn was direct. Make sure you understand the lessons so you don't repeat them. And if you're interested in learning more about Saturn and its influence on life, listen to this episode of xoNecole's Happy Hour Podcast.
Neptune Retrograde & What It Means
GiphyNeptune (Dreams, Imagination, and Unconscious): When Neptune goes retrograde, it is normally for about 23 weeks. Neptune retrograde shakes up your perception of reality and aims to teach us about how we deceive others, suppress our own fears, manage our anxieties, and hold on to unhealthy attachments. When Neptune is direct, reality can become distorted, causing us to see things through rose-colored glasses.
What you should do: To do work during Neptune retrograde, you need to remove the rose-colored glasses and see yourself more clearly. Use this retrograde to get real with yourself. This time can be used to clear a path and navigate any confusion correctly.
Jupiter Retrograde & What It Means
jupiter GIFGiphyJupiter (Luck and Gifts): Jupiter goes retrograde about ⅓ of the year for about 120 days. Jupiter brings fortune and expansion wherever it exists in your heart. This can be one of the gentlest retrogrades you experience. The retrograde wants you to avoid getting lazy with all Jupiter brings.
What you should do: Work toward achieving your dreams. Combat Jupiter retrograde by tackling your complacency, and pinpoint the areas of your work where you could be going just a little bit harder. Then turn up the heat.
Uranus Retrograde & What It Means
gas giant space GIFGiphyUranus (Innovation/Rebellion/Progression): Uranus retrograde happens for about 22 weeks of every year. You may feel like the rebel inside of you takes a nap and calms your need for freedom, change, and chaos. This is a time of less intense energy.
What you should do: Look for new ways to accomplish older intentions. Focus on using Uranus energy to link creatively and get outside of the box. Let your creative flag fly.
Pluto Retrograde & What It Means
pluto flyby GIFGiphyPluto (Power/Intensity/Obsession/Control): The influence of Pluto's retrograde is about half the year and approximately 185 days. At this time, Pluto urges you to evaluate your relationship with power. Are you feeling empowered or power-hungry?
What you should do: Evaluate whether you are stepping into your power or shrinking away from it? If you are not tapping in, it's time to embrace your inner warrior goddess and use it to empower others. Step into what is meant for you and forget everything else.
Each planet is responsible for affecting, influencing, and/or changing how we navigate our daily lives, and the retrograde time requires something different from us to help evaluate rather than punish.
There are basic things we can do to use the energy of the ruling planet and successfully make it through any retrograde. Take a moment to become present, and ask yourself, what is this time asking me to do? Surrender to the energy around you and reflect on lessons that you learned or lessons you need to learn. Retrogrades are here to reveal things we need to adjust and what will help us progress.
Get honest with yourself, meditate, feel all the feelings, and journal your thoughts about what the energy is telling you. If you use this time constructively for positivity, surviving any retrograde should be no problem.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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