As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was being redirected to something better. That quote? There are honestly so many people who are credited for saying it (Maya Angelou, Steve Maraboli, Imam Al Ghazali) that I don't know who to give it to. I'm using it because I honestly couldn't find a more appropriate way to start this piece off.
A couple of nights ago, while perusing the internet, I read two pieces that had the same theme albeit two different approaches. One was a Q&A about a woman who dated a guy who claimed to not believe in marriage. After six years of being together, they broke up, only for him to get engaged "10 seconds later". The other piece featured a letter that a woman wrote to her ex who chose to marry someone else.
In some ways, both articles were heart-wrenching. I think we all know what it's like to really want something (or someone), only to have things not turn out the way we wanted it (or even expected it) to. But as I thought about how the advice the first woman received was her needing to accept that it wasn't that the guy was opposed to marriage, it was that he didn't want to marry her (ouch), and how the second woman came to resolve of "If you would have stayed, I might have always believed that you were the best thing about me and never searched for more and found that it was always within myself all along," one overall conclusion came to my mind.
Life not going as planned can hurt. No doubt it. But you know what's so much worse? Putting all of your blood, sweat, tears and time into trying to make something work that simply isn't meant to be. Refusing to accept that no matter how much you love or desire something, you really should let it go.
How can you know if this is something you are in complete denial about?
5 Signs Something Isn't Meant To Be
1.You’re Changing the Very Core of Who You Are to Make It Work
Whenever a woman writes me to talk about how, in the midst of trying to make a relationship work or last, she feels like she's literally breaking her neck to make it happen, most times my response is "You only find yourself bending over backwards when your bar is low."
I've been engaged before. Once. For a day. My fiancé passed back in 1995. We were both just 21. When I think back to what made him such a truly exceptional kind of man to love, it's that he celebrated every part of my being. He didn't want me to dress differently, lose (or gain) weight, like things I didn't like or change my personality in order to be a better "fit" for him. He dug me. Head to toe. Inside and out. End of story.
I can't say that about some of the guys who followed him. One man, in particular, he was always dropping hints about liking longer hair, wishing that I was less outgoing and not quite so—he said militant but I'm gonna go with—Black (and yes, he is a Black man—SMH).
I loved him, so I looked at trying to accommodate his preferences as a form of compromise. Looking back, I was actually co-signing on him trying to change the very core of my being. Coming to that revelation was tough, but it taught me a very valuable lesson—however God made you, there is a purpose in it. Whatever and whomever are meant for you will not try and change you, they will complement and improve you.
Anything or one else? LET. IT. GO.
2.It Doesn’t Benefit Your Purpose in Any Real or Lasting Way
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OK, let's expound on that purpose point for just a second. How much time do you spend 1) focusing on why you exist and 2) making sure that you live that reason out to the fullest? Bookmark that for just a sec.
The first word that's used to define a woman in the Bible is "helper" (Genesis 2:18). If you look up the Hebrew word the helper, it's Ezer Kenegdo, which means "lifesaver" (dope, right?). As someone who does apply the Bible to her life, I think being designed to be a helper/lifesaver is a part of the reason why we, as women, go ALL IN for the men—shoot, the people in general—that we love. But I'm not ONLY here to help others. God gave me my own specific and individual purpose outside of supporting other people.
When it comes to romantic relationships, I've learned to accept that if a man doesn't wake up the queen in me, he's not my king. Meaning, if he's not someone who is using his gifts, resources, and time to help me to thrive as a woman, as I do the same for him, while he might be meant to be in my life in some sort of capacity, it's certainly not as a husband.
And you know what? This applies to all other sorts of dynamics as well—friendships, career paths, opportunities. If you keep putting yourself into people, places, things, and ideas that distract you from your purpose, you definitely need to do some personal reassessing. Life is way too short to be out here doing any and everything but what you were put/sent here to do in the first place.
3.Nothing You Do Is Ever Really Enough
The last official corporate job I had was processing contracts for a timeshare company almost 20 years ago. It didn't matter how early I arrived, how many contracts I processed, or how many times I skipped lunch to help someone out, one of my managers was always dissatisfied with my performance. The harder I tried, the more frustrated they got and the more stressed out I would become. This cycle continued until one day, I got fired.
To this day, that is the only time that has ever happened. When I walked out and sat in my car with a "What the heck was that?!" look on my face knowing that money was tight and rent was due, I thought it was one of the worst things to ever happen to me.
In hindsight, it was the direct opposite. It's one thing to be devoted or even to make sacrifices. It's another matter entirely when you find yourself giving your all and, whether it's a job or relationship, to others, it really doesn't matter.
Something that is meant to be will appreciate you and show it.
Something that isn't, won't.
4.Fear Rather Than (Self) Love Is the True Motivator
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A Vietnamese monk by the name of Thich Nhat Hanh once said, "Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future." I can't tell you how many relationships (friendships included) that I kept hanging onto, well past their shelf life, because I thought I was being loving when really what I was being was fearful. Either I was hanging on to the past parts when things were good or I was freaking out about what was in store for me if I moved on.
If you're staying with something or someone because you're scared of what will happen if you release it/them, that's usually a sign that you have an unhealthy attachment to it. True love is about growth, freedom, joy, flexibility, and even wisdom, mercy and grace. Fear doesn't exist well in any of those attributes.
A lot of people are currently in some pretty toxic situations, all because they are afraid of what life would look like if they removed themselves from them. But all fear does is make you worse, not better.
If fear is your motivation for anything, there's a good chance that while you may be trying to hang onto something (or one), it probably isn't meant to be.
5.You Lack Inner Peace
What comes to your mind when you think of peace? Stillness? Tranquility? No drama? All of those are great definitions but the Hebrew word "shalom" takes peace to an entirely different level! Shalom isn't just about quiet. It's about being whole, complete, and even content.
Looking back, there were so many things in my life that I was trying to force to be "meant to be" that had one blaring red flag that they weren't—I had no peace. They were fragmenting me, they were harming me and they certainly didn't bring a state of harmony and contentment to my health and well-being.
I know a lot of us want something to work out simply because we want it. But be thankful that God and the Universe love you far too much to allow that to happen.
When things seem like they're not working out, if it's based on the things that I just shared, give thanks. When something isn't meant to be, it's because something else is. Release so that you can ultimately receive.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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