Don't Shrink To Fit In & Other Lessons To Learn Quickly At Work
After college, I had the 'Becoming A Workforce Drone' Starter Pack equipped with a leather portfolio, a silver business card holder, and a bunch of boring blazers and statement necklaces. I was ready to wow all of the hiring managers. The only problem was, I didn't know myself very well.
As a result, I learned how to look and speak the part of someone I never wanted to be. At the time, I was proud of this. Interview after interview found me posturing, awaiting nods of approval. However, it would take a series of burnouts in positions that were never for me to find myself.
Interviewing eventually became less soul-sucking, intimidating, and audition-y but only after I learned a few lessons:
All Experience Is Rainwater
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Rain is said to be the purest water to drink and the best choice for growing healthy crops. We don't necessarily enjoy rainy days, but they're good for us. Your life - the good, the bad, and the ugly - is rainwater.
The internships taught you which career paths suited you - or didn't. The difficult professors taught you how to advocate for yourself. The entry-level job taught you humility, process, and procedure. Being laid off taught you the importance of financial soundness. Being promoted showed you that hard work does have its rewards.
When you step into interviews or enter new rooms, toss the generic answers and consider your rainwater. What unique experience(s) can you share?
What You Don't Want Can Lead To What You Do
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My resume is quite diverse because for the better part of my career, I was searching for significance and denying what I really wanted to do. So I settled for comfort in jobs that didn't really fulfill me. Looking back, I can see how each job and career move built my confidence to figure myself out and get to work on becoming the woman I wanted to be. I also picked up invaluable skills along the way.
The wrong thing made me so uncomfortable, I had no choice but to sprint toward the right thing.
Titles Are Only As Important As You Make Them
I was the girl who couldn't wait to get my business card at any new job. I wanted the clout more than I enjoyed most of those positions. Desperation for significance with little commitment to preparation and purpose made me value a title more than myself.
I know, it's not the sexy career talk we like but it's necessary. Some people without senior titles do the work of senior administrators and more. Some senior administrators struggle to work a copy machine. Titles are just things.
They don't define you. Learn what you need to learn to be who you want to be. Get clear on who you are and what you bring - that's your value and it will promote you in due time.
A Good Interview Is A Conversation
My last interview was one of the most freeing experiences of my life. The hiring director and I had a conversation framed by my diverse work experience and what led me to the arts. I told a story of being extreme burnt out from pursuing what was not meant for me and she immediately connected. I asked questions to be sure it was a fit for me and we ended the interview with a job offer.
We're human and we connect through storytelling and authenticity. If you don't know your story, you will rehearse what sounds good and never connect. Interviewers are humans. Talk to them, not through them.
I don't try to be who they want anymore. I show up honestly.
If you show up as your most authentic self, share who you are and what you bring and it is not well-received, then you know that place is not for you. This is true of life, not just job interviews. Be grateful that there is now more room for the right opportunity to come to you.
Do not shrink to fit in. Chin up. Go get it.
Featured image by Getty Images
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The Black Girl's Guide To Adulting - Read More
What To Ask A Potential Employer When Changing Careers - Read More
Angela Yee Shares How To Master The Art Of Side Hustling - Read More
For Women Who Feel Like They Have To Constantly Chase What's Next - Read More
Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images