
Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
Our girlfriends are our chosen tribe. They pull us out of funks. They bring the wine when we've had a tough workday. They celebrate our babies and birthdays and new hairdos with the fervor of a winning football team. Our girlfriends don't fear telling us when we're wrong and they walk with us as we get it right. So, what happens when your girlfriends exhaust you with perpetually poor life decisions?
Most would agree that the mature thing is to sit them down and say, "Hey, you're wearing me out. I've given all the advice I can give. Your choices are harming you and as a result, I am exhausted and I do not want to stand by and watch. So, I need a break." Being honest, though intimidating at times, is the best way to deliver not-so-great news. But for those of us who feel that being honest and attempting to set boundaries has not worked, ghosting seems to be the next best thing.
As a 30-something with almost twenty years of healthy friendships to celebrate, I wasn't 100% sure what to do when one of my girlfriends started to drain me. I was past the age of talking smack but I wasn't quite seasoned enough to know how to take a break from a friend whose lifestyle was...well, toxic.
For the Living Single fans, I am the mediator spirit of Synclaire and the sarcastic humor of Khadijah, rolled into one. I don't want to see anyone downtrodden or harmed. Ever. However, I have a cap for drama. Recently, a close friend pushed that cap and my mediator spirit almost flatlined.
We've been friends for over a decade. Even though I knew her relationship with her boyfriend was toxic, I didn't say much in the first couple of years. I kept my opinion to myself until she asked for it. I chose to be unequivocally honest. I let her know that from the information she presented and what I witnessed, her boyfriend does not respect her and that he does not value the fullness of who she is. Fast-forward years later and she has not let him go.
The drama has continued and intensified.
I found myself at a crossroads. I don't have the capacity to coddle someone who is not willing to make healthy choices. I was consumed with her problems to the point that I was putting my own major life decisions on the backburner. Perhaps I was a bit arrogant to think that I could help. I now know that I am not equipped, called, or certified to continue being her ear on this matter. I'm just not and that's ok.
So, I stopped answering her phone calls. I needed a break and I took one. I went ghost. Ghosting my homegirl offered me peace of mind when I was just struggling not to curse her out. And, you know, yes, perhaps it's better to be straight up but when you're all tapped out, you'd rather just distance yourself. It's a reality.
While ignoring her attempts at communication and journaling myself through the experience, I realized that I had allowed too many people - not just my friend - unlimited access to me, to my schedule, to my spirit, to my listening ear under the banner of "being a good friend."
Exercising my right and ability not to answer my phone when I do not want to has been one of the most freeing ways I've cared for myself this year. The right not to go into crisis mode when my friend texts me six paragraphs about the same boyfriend who has been cheating on her for years felt like a radical act, staking my claim to freedom.
Sometimes, we're so caught up in establishing and loving our tribe that we build codependency into our relationships without realizing it. (Yes, it can happen even after college.) We want to ensure that we're there for one another and that we exemplify what a good friend should be but that can often lead to us overextending ourselves. And overextension can lead to a mess of problems, including but not limited to, resentment, pettiness, isolation, and disinterest.
Some crosses aren't ours to bear. Some problems aren't ours to try to fix.
Being a good girlfriend to our girlfriends does not mean we are their saviors, therapists, or pastors. It simply means that we commit to doing life with one another in as healthy a way as possible.
In just the first week of not interacting with my girlfriend, my sleep was less restless and I could think with more clarity and focus. Her troubles were taking up less emotional space and I could begin to redirect that energy to my own path.
Once I was able to find the peace of mind I'd been missing, I called to let her know I would not be in contact for a while. I didn't say how long and I didn't blame her. I kept the focus on me, letting her know I had a series of huge life decisions I needed to tend to and would be out of contact. She accepted that graciously.
While our girlfriends are all of the wonderful things, there is room for evaluation and repositioning. Being a good girlfriend doesn't mean blindly accepting harmful behavior.
Loyalty to a fault is not admirable or commendable. It's unhealthy and a disservice to all parties involved.
I'm not yet equipped with the language, energy, or desire to jump 100% back into a relationship with my friend. I'm just not. So, the best thing I can do is love her from a distance and take care of myself until I can.
Featured image by Getty Images
Originally published on August 26, 2019
I'm just going to say it: We start each new year doing way too much. The writing is usually on the wall early on that we won't follow through with all of our big "new year, new me" jive. Why? Because we want major change as immediately as a blink of an eye, without having any real plan. Think about it: The statement: "I want to lose weight", while a noble goal is also so general that it leaves crucial questions unanswered and almost dooms itself to failure in utero.
What if the best way to make the biggest (and most long-lasting) changes in our lives is not to make big changes at all? When I think about my biggest failures, 99% of the time I did too much too fast with either no plan or a pitiful one, got overwhelmed, and went back to life as usual. Enter, the brilliant method of stacking habits.
Before you get apprehensive, just think of it as a new way to take baby steps toward your goals. According to best-selling author, James Clear:
"Habit stacking is a special form of an implementation intention. Rather than pairing your new habit with a particular time and location, you pair it with a current habit."
Through the practice of habit stacking, we become aware of the habits that are already integrated into our lives and use them as foundations on which to build other beneficial habits toward our goals and best outcomes.
If you think about pretty much any huge undertaking: starting a business; writing a book; quitting smoking; or becoming a top-performing athlete – two things are clear: 1) none of it happens in one fell swoop and 2) you're usually either replacing a bad habit with a better one or installing a good habit where there was nothing. There are steps. We don't have to go hard from the jump if we don't know whether or not we can sustain. There are other methods that will help us to maintain our integrity as we commit to being healthier.
Habit stacking builds on those two ideas. It is a strategy that when practiced with integrity, brings you successfully to your desired outcome. And it is not so rigid that you cannot adjust for life changes or new goals. It is essentially attaching a new habit to something you already do without fail.
Let's break it down:
1.Create A Specific Goal
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What is your main goal? Let's say you want to read more. Great! But what does that look like day-to-day? You need to zoom in with specifics. Your goal could go something like this:
"I want to read for at least 10 minutes each day."
Ten minutes of reading each day will bring you to your overall goal of reading more. Now you've got a new habit looking for an old habit to attach itself to!
2.List Your Current Habits
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What are some things that you do everyday without fail?
Here a few examples from my life:
- I check my phone each morning.
- I spend time in prayer.
- I brush my teeth.
- I take my lunch break at work. (Y'all better! Viva la self-care!)
- I have tea before I start my work.
- I scroll social media while watching TV when I get home from work.
- I write out my Mindfulness lists for the next day.
Create a second list of things that happen to you without fail everyday:
For example:
- Social media notifications.
- Red lights.
- The sun rises.
- You receive a text.
- Beyonce comes up in conversation. (Or is that just me?)
3.Decide Where To Place Your New Habit
Exercising with weights at home
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Once you've created your lists, you now have a bunch of mini-foundations on which to build another habit that will serve your big goal.
Now it's time to be honest with yourself about where your new habit will be most effective. If you know you can't focus in the morning before having coffee, trying to read for 10 minutes every morning is basically setting yourself up to fail. Don't play yourself. Be real.
However, if you know that when you get home from work, you spend time unwinding by scrolling through social media, watching television, or checking personal emails, there may be an opportunity to fit in your new habit. And again, BE SPECIFIC.
For example:
"BEFORE I [scroll through social media at the end of my day], I will [read for 10 minutes]."
See how that works? You've assessed which habit is easiest to attach your new habit to and you've given yourself parameters by being specific about the timing. You'll read BEFORE you scroll.
A couple of my personal stacked habits look like this:
BIG GOAL: To get in better shape.
FOCUSED GOAL: To walk 5,000 steps a day.
HABITS STACKED:
- Each time my fitness watch buzzes, I will take 3 laps around the office.
- While my food cooks each night, I will dance salsa for 10 minutes.
In order for these two habits to be successfully integrated into my daily routine, I had to be thoughtful about where in my day they have the best chance of succeeding. I wear my fitness watch faithfully and it always lets me know when I've been sitting for too long. It's a built-in accountability partner. I'm always listening to music while I'm cooking so it makes sense to incorporate salsa.
The goal is to ensure your own success by being specific, and using what is already working in your life as Velcro to which to stick a new habit. Remember to be specific, find the best timing for your new habit to be successful, and keep going! Even if you miss a day, keep going back. If you need to adjust, adjust!
Happy habit stacking!
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Originally published February 6, 2019
Featured image by Getty Images
Women, specifically women of color, are making their dreams come true and impacting their communities and the culture and we're killin' it. The number of businesses owned by Black women in the United States in 2018? 2.4 million! We've been building an impressive army of entrepreneurship, generational wealth, and influence while seemingly no one was paying attention. It can be asserted that Black women have been moving in silence, building lives and generations long before the idea snuck into song lyrics and subsequently cemented itself in popular culture as a life and business principle.
So what is it that sistas are doing and how are we doing it so well?
Sometimes we do more looking up to the smaller percentage of people who've become household names than we spend connecting with and learning from the wealth and experiences of those whose stars are steadily rising. So, I tapped 8 incredible Black women – I mean truly amazing, everyday women who walk, talk, live, and create in impactful ways. Women who see through the veneer of accolades straight to impact in its truest sense and form. Keep reading to find out why there is success in learning to move in silence.
Deanna M. Griffin, Co-Founder of Crownhunt
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence looks like doing the work instead of just talking about it. We live in an age where it's easy to position or brand yourself a certain way without having the sweat and receipts behind it. I like to focus on the results – brainstorming launches, developing timelines and budgets, identifying partners and collaborators, writing/editing/scheduling/promoting... whatever has to be done to get my ideas off the ground before I start bragging about the work. The celebration can come later.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Be transparent. If you are figuring it out, while making mistakes, share that. It's easy to think that "the hustle" means looking like you're killing it all the time. People are quickly turned off by that and it's devastating to come off as a fraud when you were just trying to "fake it 'til you make it". This is why we created the Crownhunt newsletter, which surprisingly doesn't focus on hair but on our journey to tell our inner Impostor Syndrome to STFU. We're hoping that our decision to be transparent will pay off.
Follow her on Instagram: @crownhunt
Princess “Coach P” Owens, Wellness Expert/Holistic Health Coach
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence for me is actively practicing wisdom and patience while I work the plan. You move with care and understand that it's not a secretive thing but a sacred experience. You don't just guard your visions/goals but it's an out guarding the process. Trust no one with your dreams but self and the creator. It's hard not to share the good parts. "Everyone else is flourishing and being magical, I want in".... but never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Social media is a space where your influence, value, and even likability is often attached to "wins". We often use these platforms to prove that we belong by being pretentious in our sharing. You can't fake energy. You may fake a lifestyle for a bit (even that will get exposed) but you can never fake magic. Trust that you will always belong – even as you are. Do the work in authenticity. Take care of YOU, so that you'll never lose YOU in the process. Be you.
Follow her on Twitter and Instagram: @coachpsays"Never share the story until they can feel/see the glory. You share after manifestation has taken place, on your own time in your own way."
Yetti Ajayi-Obe, Owner of YettiSays & Founder of Certified 10
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I actually have a love/hate relationship with this idea of "move in silence." I don't necessarily believe one should be shouting their every move from the rooftops, but I don't subscribe to the thoughts of every power move should be done in silence – unless you're Beyoncé, of course. I think us WOC, especially those of us that are wellness advocates, need to be more open and honest about the process of producing and creating, because truthfully, it takes a lot [out] of a person. I tend to "move in silence" naturally, but that's only because outside pressures and opinions do something ridiculous to my anxiety. I have an internal team I work with because they provide me the balance I need. But I think talking about the process can aid in making sure there are more of us Black and brown women sitting at the table.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
"Only you can do what you do. Only you can reach certain people. Only you can speak to your story. And by not doing what you're meant to do on this Earth, you're robbing this world of a service only you can provide." – I'm not sure if this is something my therapist coined, or if it's an official quote, but this is what I refer back to when pressure, anxiety, and whatever else interferes with my work. It's not about the numbers, the money, or the cool opportunities. It's about the reach, whether it be two people or two thousand. It has nothing to do with what the next person is doing. It's about your why, and what you're doing to fulfill it. Honest and authentic work will always trump whatever is being done for the looks of it.
Follow her on Twitter: @phenomenalyetti, Instagram: @yettisays
Jasmine Katrina Smith, Founder of Pure Communications & Co, Faith & Lifestyle blogger
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
"Moving in silence" to me means staying focused on my work and the quality of it. It looks like supporting a fellow influencer and/or entrepreneur while keeping my goals aligned to what God has instructed me to do. It's not always easy because comparison can come to defeat my progress, but I find solace in knowing I'm focused on exactly what God's last instructions were until we're ready to move forward to the next thing.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
If I could offer one tip, it would be to remember that we don't work to please man, we work to glorify God, and by doing so, that means we're called to produce fruit (ie: we should have results). Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @jkatrinasmith
"Looking the part can only carry you for so long, character is developed in the discipline and your calling is fully manifested by your character."
Shayla Racquel, Writer, Director, Filmmaker
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, "moving in silence" doesn't necessarily mean to be secretive about my trajectory through the film industry. I think it means to have discretion and discernment about when, where, and how I announce my moves, and to allow my work and my work ethic to speak for itself. At times, it is difficult to move in silence. We feel like we have to make those grand announcements not for self-gratification, but to receive validation from others. I remember watching a Film Independent keynote address by Ava DuVernay, in which she talked about "desperation vs. doing." She said that we should never "ooze desperation," instead, we should make a way out of no way, and just do. "The only thing that moves you forward is your work," were her words, and as an independent filmmaker who is in the beginning stages of my career, those words were cemented in my spirit, and since hearing that, that is how I've decided to move.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Think of finding your work rhythm as building your foundation. You need a strong foundation to have something solid to stand upon – something you can always go back to, even if you want to start over with what you're building. When people concern themselves more so with how people "perceive" their work/work ethic rather than concerning themselves with their actual work, something is going to fall through the cracks. It gets harder and harder to keep up the facade when you actually aren't doing anything, and the truth will always be revealed in the end. Focus on your work, build your foundation, and don't concern yourself with what everyone else is doing – focus on you.
Follow her on Twitter & Instagram: @ShaylaRacquel
Shefon Nachelle, Artist, Founder of Etcetera Creative
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
I instinctively interpret it as "do more, say less". I realized that a part of my desire to make others aware of what was happening in my life, was about validation. That I, or my work, did not have meaning without the approval of others. That dangerous slope became a thief of my freedom, my creativity, and personal sense of value. "Moving in silence" is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing.
Of course it is not easy, but when I think about my personal icons, they are in deep trust of themselves and their work. So, I often consider what tasks I am taking up for myself and if they are driven by my desire for approval. Those that are not, allow for a personal peace that facilitates moving in silence.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I believe there are moments we grossly underestimate the time, work, and study required prior to regarding ourselves as an authority in any given field of work or subject matter. Sometimes even those labels, of entrepreneur and influencer, transport us to a place that often relies on deceptive exteriors and are disingenuous. The truth about learning craft is that we fail constantly, it takes a long time, and it is hardly ever as beautiful as our pre-planned photo shoots at our favorite coffee shops.
Even though I have spent almost ten years in design and most of my life as an artist, there is so much that I have yet to learn, to experience. My good internet friend, Ann Daramola, offers an urgent affirmation to "Face Your Work." That is the tip I would have wanted someone to give me. Just do the work. The hard work. The invisible work. The uninspiring work. The work is enough. In the words of astrologer, Chani Nicholas, "The only way to manifest epic projects is to bow deeply to your daily grind."
Follow her on all social media platforms: @shefonnachelle
"'Moving in silence' is not just a sentiment that reflects when we should practice discretion, but is also a display of internal confirmation. It re-routes you from a place of needing the recognition of others to one of focus on execution and finishing."
Amber Gabrielle, Founder of Oh She Went Global, CEO of The Lit Lady
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
For me, it means that I spend more time putting my head down and doing the work instead of blabbing about it every step of the way. This doesn't mean that I never say anything about my current projects, but boundaries must exist. This concept has been drilled into my head since childhood, and I shall pass it on to my future children. For the most part, it's easy for me to do more than I talk, because I see people on social media who DON'T practice this and frankly, it's nauseating. I don't want to be the nauseating girl. Haha! I've noticed that this concept of "moving in silence" has gotten pushback in recent months, and people will assume that you're elusive, or a failure, if you don't post what you have going on. Well, others may choose to blab their plans from here to Addis Ababa, but I'll continue to keep quiet until I have results worth speaking about. Then, and only then, will I talk about what I've been doing, in hopes of providing wisdom and value to those coming after me.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
I feel that sometimes, the ambitious community consumes unbelievable amounts of information, but does very little when it comes to applying that information to everyday life. It's one thing to post pretty, inspirational memes on Instagram and tweet quotes from the book You Are a Badass; it's quite another to take all the advice you're constantly being hit with, and intentionally make it useful to you. So, I challenge everyone reading this to think of the last piece of information you consumed that you found valuable…I mean valuable to the point where you highlighted it, posted it with a YAAAAAS caption, sent it to your momma and her prayer group, all that. Take that piece of information, advice, whatever it is, and commit to implementing it in your life for the rest of the year. I would absolutely LOVE to hear what your results are!
Mia Jones-Walker, Digital Media Specialist & Mental Health Advocate
What does moving in silence mean to you? Is it easy? Why or why not?
Moving in silence is a process of waiting patiently for the manifestation to come forth, pursuing purpose with due diligence. It consists of putting in the work and fulfilling my tasks at hand without seeking external validation from my peers or calling attention to me doing the work. It's not easy to move in silence when you consider our natural need for acceptance – we want to be recognized (often prematurely) for each increment in the process but that congrats cannot supplant taming the steps we still must walk out. Premature applause can cause us to become short sighted on the full journey ahead. Moving in silence requires a resilient attitude, enduring without despairing, or envying whoever surpasses you in achieving their goals.
What is one tip you would offer Black women entrepreneurs/influencers as they figure out their work rhythm in a world that seems to value the LOOK of getting things done more than the discipline of actually doing?
Know that discipline is the key to moving forward. Set your pace realistically according to your interest (how often you want to engage your audience balanced with the demands of your life) and give yourself grace to take a breather when you need to!
Featured image by Jasmine Katrina.
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
Originally published January 14, 2019
How would you answer the question, "What makes successful people so successful?"
Talent, wealth, skill, access all seem like the keys to the kingdom. And while these things do factor in, they pale in comparison to one main characteristic of successful entrepreneurs: Teachability.
The highest achieving entrepreneurs are only as consistently successful as they are because they are willing to keep learning. They jump at the opportunity to be students over and over again because they know their growth is dependent upon knowledge and its application.
That takes vision, humility, and quite a lot of study.
In my conversations and research of what resources today's entrepreneurs swear by, I found that the following 19 books are some of the most highly regarded materials when it comes to financial literacy, business/brand development, personal development, and spiritual guidance.
Not only do these books offer inspiring words, they provide resources, methods of practical application, and ways to measure your growth. So, at whatever point you find yourself on your entrepreneurial journey - from daydreaming about your big idea to planning your next venture - this list was made with you in mind! Happy reading!
Think & Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
The wisdom of over 40 millionaires distilled into one book.
Read when:You need a glimpse into the proven life choices that will get you where you want to be.
Rich Dad, Poor Dad: What The Rich Teach Their Kids About Money That The Poor And Middle Class Do Not! By Robert T. Kiyosaki
xoRecommendation by:
LaKisha Greenwade, Brand Strategist - Founder, @LuckiFit & @GlamTechUSA
"I have recommended this book to my nieces, nephews, mentees, colleagues, and even those with multiple degrees because it trains the mind to refute cultural norms of progression, cast down comfort, and accept responsibility for individual financial well being. I love that it also encourages entrepreneurship, multiple streams, of income, and the process to building a business that can transform a legacy."
Read when: You want to upgrade your mindset about your money and pass down crucial information.
The Little Black Book of Success: Laws of Leadership for Black Women by Elaine Meryl Brown, Marsha Haygood, & Rhonda Joy McLean
Three executives created a "mentor in your pocket" to guide you into savvy leadership.
Read when:You're on the fast track to BOSS status and need Mother/Sister advice to stay sane, aligned, and effective.
The E-Myth Revisited: Why Most Small Businesses Don’t Work & What To Do About It by Michael E. Gerber
xoRecommendation by:
Victoria Jackson, Creative Consultant, Content Creator, Founder of Reinvented Marketing, @thecapitalV
"It highlights one of the most important truths about entrepreneurship: If it doesn't run without you, you have a glorified job, not a business. It's a must read for anyone attempting to move from the employee mindset to the entrepreneurial mindset by building a sustainable, scalable business model."
Read when:You're interested in studying the life cycle of new businesses.
Made To Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die by Chip Heath & Dan Heath
Is your idea "sticky" enough to capture your audience? Grab this NYT bestseller to find out.
Read when: You want to evaluate a new idea or you want to refine your business/brand/ministry's message.
7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons In Personal Change
Don't like change? Get over it and find the opportunities within it with this bestseller.
Read when: You're ready to embrace change and master making it work to your advantage.
Successful Women Think Differently by Valorie Burton
xoRecommendation by:
Becca Bakre, Life Coach & Project Strategist of Becca Bakre Enterprises, LLC @beccabak
"I was serving as Director at a multi-million dollar non-profit, and although I was thriving and successful in the eyes of many, I felt very dissatisfied with my life and career path. This book gave me the courage to see my leaving the company not as moving backward but as a necessary step forward.
I am now the owner of a successful coaching business that gives me the freedom to use my talents and passion to lead other women into their God-given purpose."
Read when: You've decided to assess your habits, get rid of those that don't serve you and establish new, healthier ones.
Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less by Greg McKeown
Cut the noise. Cut the clutter. Cut the crap. Chase less. Get more.
Read when:You want to simplify, clarify, and breathe easier.
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
Need a sweet little kick in the pants to face your fear and live a big life? Here you go.
Read when: You're teetering, on the brink of going for it and need an "over-the-edge" pep talk.
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
A cult classic tale following a little shepherd boy and his journey to wisdom, self-confidence, and realized dreams for the absolute WIN.
Read when: You're sick of traditional self-help books and want to follow along on a brave little boy's journey to dreams fulfilled.
The War of Art by Steven Pressfield
Pressfield pulls no punches. Let's bust up the blockages and DO this work.
Read when: You want to understand why you get stuck creatively and how to get unstuck.
Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No To Take Control Of Your LIfe by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend
Every great businesswoman has got to learn the weight of her yes and the power in her no. Start here.
Read when:You're ready to make the time to dig deep, be brutally honest, and take responsibility for your decisions.
You Are A Badass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living An Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
Practical advice, sage wisdom, hilarious stories, powdered with a cuss word here and there. Jen Sincero serves you straight talk, no chaser.
Read when:You're feeling down on yourself and you're on the verge of giving up.
Don’t Dumb Down Your Greatness by Anthony Frasier
xoRecommendation by:
Whitney L. Barkley, M.S. Speakerazzi, CEO @whitneylbarkley
"[This book] is a testament that you can come from anything to create realities beyond your biggest imagination for your life and career. [It's] impactful because while you may be wildly skilled and talented, there is a level of personal development that is necessary in the areas of goal setting, Impostor syndrome, and discipline to heighten your potential and create the best set-up for current and future success."
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
xoRecommendation by:
Anaston Jeni, Self-care Coach @anastonjeni
"Regardless of what phase of life you're in, you can identify with [this book's] principles. It's great for anyone on a journey of self-discovery and self-mastery. Applying The Four Agreements will change your perspective on life & open you up to a new level of freedom."
Believe Bigger: Discover the Path to Your Life Purpose by Marshawn E. Daniels
Regret, hurt, and disappointment can stifle our journeys forward. Marshawn E. Daniels teaches how to use the past to find your purpose and believe the absolute best.
Read when: You're not quite sure what to do or where to go but you feel called to elevate.
7 Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
Success encompasses principles beyond just having a business plan.
Read when:You want to implement practical steps toward a life well-lived.
The 40-Day Soul Fast by Dr. Cindy Trimm
Authenticity will take you far.
Read when:Life doesn't feel quite as honest as you'd like and you're ready to do the internal work to be your truest self.
The Best Yes: Making Wise Decisions In The Midst of Endless Demands by Lysa TerKeurst
Learn to stop doing too much for the wrong people with this read.
Read when:You're sick and tired of being sick and tired and want to learn healthier ways of planning and living out your best life.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on February 25, 2019
True Friendships Are About More Than Sunday Brunches & Photo Ops
Lately, we drop friends like flies and many of us do it under the guise of ridding ourselves of haters or cling-ons. Scroll any social media platform and it will be overrun with anecdotal threads of friend-dropping over some of the smallest and most easily solvable issues. Often the issue is not that someone has done us wrong but rather that we have misunderstood what friendship is and how to operate in it with integrity.
A lesson that I learned well in undergrad is that not every one of my friends serves the same function in my life. In the same way, I do not serve the same function in each of my friends' lives. Coming to grips with this truth, enabled me to leave behind the childish notion that friends do everything together, think the same things, and function co-dependently.
That is not friendship. That is dysfunction.
When we demand behavior of our friends that is simply not within their character, personality, or interests - we show how little we know about them and how little we respect individuality and the primary function of friendship. Friendship is a mutual exchange of love and support, real talk and hard conversations, anticipation and celebration, adventure and shared stillness. Each of these can look differently depending on the one-on-one relationship between friends. None of these must be identical to any other friendship. When we are deceived into believing that all our friendships must function exactly alike, we rob ourselves and others of the ability to be true to ourselves and in our relationships, ultimately stealing opportunities for growth and evolution.
Friendship is more than Sunday brunches, Instagram photos, and being each other's bridesmaids. Just for the photo opp. Just because we look like we should be friends. Just because we're cute in photos together.
When we push past the superficial, we can get to the good stuff of our friendships. Here are three key thoughts on friendships - how to choose them, honor them, and grow them.
Decide Who You Are And What You Value
There is little we can ask of others in relationships of any kind when we are not clear on who we are, what we bring to the table, and what we value. This is the first key to understanding and appreciating your friend circle. Ignorance of your own values and needs will have you constantly linking up with people with whom you don't mesh. This often leads to misunderstandings, you trying to change them, and them resenting you for not accepting them as they are.
When you know who you are and what you value in life and relationships, your discernment of people will be that much keener and point you in the direction of friendships that will last.
Define What Friendship Means To You
Watch any high school flick and it's easy to see how many have been conditioned to believe that friendship means blind loyalty and the absence of individuality. As adults, it's our duty to check ourselves on how we see friendship, not only to maintain healthy relationships but to ensure that we don't alienate others with our bogus expectations. Not everyone who could potentially be a true friend to you has to enjoy all of the things you enjoy. In many cases, they don't have to have all the same views as you either - be clear on what views are harmless and which are harmful.
If you cannot appreciate your friends for their unique qualities, opinions, and abilities - chances are, you are either never going to enjoy the beauty of friendship or your life will be a revolving door of friends who you've pushed away for not being what you want them to be. If you need someone to control and tell you what you want to hear, you want a 'yes-woman' not a friend. Be clear and do the self-work to evolve from that way of operating if you don't want to end up alone.
Be Clear On Your Go-To's
More often than not, no two friendships are the same even within the same social circles. There may be one or two people within your circle with whom you pray and discuss spiritual principles and there may be one or two other people with whom you're more comfortable discussing political views and reality television.
This is not an exercise in creating cliques within a clique. It is how emotionally intelligent, observant, and considerate people use their discernment. Why would you ask your friend who is struggling with her belief in God to pray with you? That is not her strong suit and there is no shame there, it's fact. Knowing your friends' strengths and how they show up best in your life is paramount to maintaining healthy friendships.
Make Sure You Show Up As A Friend, Too
Society has a way of causing us to look outward at what everyone else is doing while we gloss over how we're showing up in the world. Are you a good friend? One of the best ways to draw quality friendships into your life is to decide to be a good friend. To operate in integrity in your relationships. To show up for those you care for as honestly and lovingly as you can without depleting yourself.
Friendship is a gift. It is more than an Instagram Boomerang or girls' night out. To get to the crux of its beauty, we have to commit to valuing the uniqueness of each relationship we have. That's where the treasure lies. That's where our lives can be enriched and we can enrich others'
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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Originally published October 17, 2018
You get out of bed, pad into the bathroom, take one look at yourself in the mirror, turn around and get right back into bed. Your hair hasn't been washed in almost two weeks and you've been subsisting on cookies, chips, Coke, and Chinese food for about the same amount of time.
Your phone has fifteen unanswered text messages and five missed calls. You check it periodically but there's no energy or desire left in you to type out responses.
You're not you, that's for sure.
Do you want today to be different? Of course.
Do you know where to start? Not exactly.
You feel ineffective at best and like a complete loser at worst.
This is a feeling you can't seem to shake, no matter how many inspirational quotes you save on Instagram, mantras you try speak in front of the mirror, or prayers you pray.
We're often unfair to ourselves, demanding Rome to be built in a day, mountains to be moved in seconds.
Not only is this unrealistic, it's unhealthy.
That has been me at various points in life. And I loathe the feelings of being stuck and ineffective. I want to be on the move - if not physically, then creatively and mentally. But what happens when everything seems to come to a complete halt and you feel you can't do anything? It's an odd space in which to find oneself. At transitional periods of life, I've been confused about the bigger picture and clarity didn't appear like it once had. I felt uninspired, depressed even.
Some time earlier this year, I came across a video of Tracee Ellis Ross explaining one of the simplest and most effective mindsets I'd ever heard. She called it doing, "the next indicated thing."
"I don't always have to know what the big answers are for my life but I can do the next indicated thing. I can get up and make my bed. I can get up and brush my teeth. I can get to my appointment on time. I can put gas in my car. I'm not big on pushing through but I am big on walking through anyway."
Her philosophy for recalibration is so simple yet so revolutionary. When you don't know what to do next, just do the next indicated thing. It forces anxiety out of the equation and supplies the calm frame within which to recalibrate.
Sometimes we begin to live such redundant lives, afraid to make a wrong move, unsure of what is supposed to come next.
We allow the fear to cocoon us into despair and sadness, which keeps us from doing anything at all.
Applying the thought of "do the next indicated thing" gently nudged me forward into completing small steps. I may not understand what is going on in my life or how to bring my vision to fruition in the next few days, but I could get out of bed. I could wash my face and brush my teeth. I could braid my hair and answer emails. I could write just fifty words of my next book draft. I didn't have to move the mountain in one day. I just had to do what came next.
I don't have to build Rome in a day. I don't have to move a mountain in seconds. I just have to breathe, recalibrate, and do the thing that is in front of me. No multi-tasking. No fretting. Just the next indicated thing. The bigger picture will reveal itself.
The mountain will be moved, Rome will stand tall in due time. And I will not have depleted myself getting it done.
Featured image via Tracee Ellis Ross/Instagram
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Originally published on September 10, 2018
Featured image by Shutterstock