10 Women Share How Dating, Engagement & Married Sex All Differ From Each Other

1. Hannah. 31. Married Three Years.

DATING: “Do you mean dating my man or dating, in general, because when I was single, I was SINGLE out here. Dating has degrees to it, so the sex did too. I will say that when you’re not in anything serious, sex is more about your pleasure and your needs and when you’re in a relationship, it’s…bigger than that.”

ENGAGED: “When I got engaged to [my husband], that is when I was processing that I wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else for the rest of my life. That made me want to have more conversations with him about what his expectations were and mine. Because if I’m going to be sleeping with you forever, we need to be on the same page about things like that.”

MARRIED: “My husband and I had sex really early into our dating relationship, so I didn’t think that marriage would change anything. Boy, did it. We didn’t live together before getting married, so adjusting to sharing my space, nonstop, with another person, that took real adjusting. When you’re cleaning the toilet after someone or you’re washing their underwear — sometimes sex isn’t as sexy. There is a learning curve, for sure.”

2. Shauna. 40. Married 10 Years.

DATING: “When you’re dating, everything about sex is about you and your needs and feelings — and unless you’re seeing someone seriously, you don’t really care about it not being that way. I personally think that’s why a lot of [long-term] couples struggle in marriage; they are ‘programmed’ to only think about themselves even when it comes to sex.”

ENGAGED: “When I got engaged, my [now] husband and I decided to be abstinent during that period. It was hard, because his sex is so good, but I don’t regret it because we used that time to mentally and emotionally connect more on an intimate level. I recommend more couples do it.”

3. Precious. 25. Married One Year.

DATING: “I’m glad that my husband and I pushed through our dating season of sex. Neither of us were very experienced and things were kind of awkward and clumsy. If things had been about performance alone, we both probably would’ve quit!” (Shellie here: She was laughing as she said this.)

ENGAGED: “One of the best decisions that we made before getting married was going to see a sex therapist. She helped us to understand what our needs and expectations are, how our childhoods played a role in those things and she gave us some hacks to make sex better.

"People always talk about premarital counseling. I’m a fan of premarital sex therapy.”

MARRIED: “I know we’re in the newlywed phase, but this is the best sex of our relationship! Because of the awkwardness while dating and the decision to see a professional while we were engaged, we feel more committed than ever — and that makes us both feel safe enough to do all kinds of stuff. We have all of the time in the world to figure it out and that’s what makes sex really rewarding.”

4. Renee. 34. Married for Three Years.

DATING: “I had some REALLY GOOD SEX while I was dating, you hear me? Like I had to grieve that sh-t when I decided to get into a serious relationship because I always enjoyed having sex with a few different guys because they all brought out different sides of who I am in the bedroom. Society still doesn’t let women talk about having multiple partners and that being okay. So long as you’re safe, in my opinion, it’s fine. Anyway, I had a ball when I was single and dating. No regrets over here.”

ENGAGED: “Know what’s crazy about my [now] husband? He’s not the best I’ve ever had physically but he is the person who I’ve experienced the most intimacy with. It took him for me to see that I didn’t fully let my guard down with other men which means their technique might have been good, but our connection had something missing. Once my husband proposed to me, there were even more guards that I let down — and I think I experienced real love-making for the first time.”

MARRIED: “Do I think about the sex that I used to have? All people do and the ones who say that they don’t are liars. I have great memories but I can’t really say that I miss it. The little things that I do, I can’t change because my husband looks the way that he does and has the body that he does. The technique stuff? We can learn that and have fun trying! The intimacy is unmatched and I wouldn’t trade that.”

5. Lauren. 39. Married for Five Years.

DATING: “I was married before in my 20s and I didn’t know much about any kind of intimacy at the time. When I got divorced and did some, let’s call it ‘exploring,’ it helped me to understand myself. If you’re having sex while you’re dating, that is what you should be focusing on: learning who you are, sexually.”

ENGAGED: “My husband? The transition from exclusive dating to being engaged was only a few weeks, so I think we both had a bit of ‘purging’ to do when it came to our sexual past. We were really close friends while we were dating other people, though, so we were quite open about what we wanted sexually — I mean, in general. I think during our engagement, I probably talked about sex, during sex, more than any other time in my life. We used engagement as a time to make sure that we really knew what the other needed, so that we didn’t go into marriage with delusional thinking.”

MARRIED: “I LOVE sex with my husband — because he is my husband. I think for most women, when you know that someone may be temporary or transient, they don’t get ALL of you. My husband knows every part of my body and my heart. We’re not just ‘having sex’; we’re ‘being one.’”

6. Allora. 44. Married for 13 Years.

DATING: “I only had sex with people who I was in a serious relationship with when I was dating, so the mindset of sex didn’t change very much once I got engaged or married. I think what I didn’t see coming was how much I would have to ‘detox’ from each partner which is why sometimes I would be abstinent for months or even a couple of years before seeing someone new. Learning how to ‘reshare my space’ is what I had to adjust to when I was sexually active and dating.”

ENGAGED: “Make sure that you’re not just ‘in love’ but you’re actually sexually compatible before getting married. I know they say that engagement is about planning your wedding, but I think it’s also about seeing if you can really live your life, in every way, with someone else. Dating is so much about do we love each other. Engagement should be about can we really be together — and if you are having sex while you are engaged, you should ask each other that when it comes to your sexual expectations. Engagement is the time to pull out the ‘red pen’ and do some editing and readjusting.”

MARRIED: “We have a satisfying sex life. We still use that ‘red pin,’ though. People change and expectations do too. When you’re dating, you usually aren’t with someone long enough to have to switch up and make adjustments. When you’re married, you can’t expect that what worked for someone 10 years ago to be the same thing 10 years later. If you’re not a sexually flexible person, if you can’t keep your ego out of it, you’re not ready to have sex as a married person.”

7. Krystalle. 27. Married 11 Months.

DATING: “I was a virgin when I got married. Yes, some of us unicorns still exist! I can’t say that some of my choices would exactly make my grandma proud, but I can say that oral sex didn’t happen until my fiancé and intercourse didn’t happen until my wedding night. That doesn’t mean that I wasn’t caught off guard some in the sex department, though.”

ENGAGED: “Once I was officially engaged, my [now] husband and I did have oral sex. I was raised in the church and taught to wait until marriage to do anything but that wasn’t really why I waited. I had friends with too many wild stories and I was too scared to step out. That’s why, once I got engaged, I felt safe enough to explore with my man; especially since he was abstinent along with me while we dated. Oral sex was more for me [to handle] than intercourse was because I hadn’t seen many penises or what they were capable of before him. Oral sex, giving and receiving, is really intimate too. I had to adjust to that. Yeah, a penis in your mouth vs. a penis in your vagina — it’s a lot. I love it, but it’s a lot.”

MARRIED: “Learning how to have an orgasm — and to even make sure that I was having one — that was my biggest adjustment during sex. Well, that and my husband and I having different sleep schedules and that meant that we were on different sex schedules too. Until you have sex in a serious relationship, you don’t think about all of the communicating and compromising that has to go on. I wouldn’t change my path for the world, though. Not having anyone to compare him to…feels right.”

8. Zawn. 34. Married Seven Years.

DATING: “I had sex with both men and women before I got married. Honey, getting off was my goal and whoever could make that happen, I was all for it. Dating can be really carnal when it comes to sex — not in a ‘bad’ way. You just really prioritize pleasure more than anything. At least that’s how I feel about it.”

ENGAGED: “Most people don’t know that I had sex with women. I’m not ashamed because here I am talking about it — it’s just that I never really had an emotional connection to any of them. It was sex and not much more than that. So, no one was surprised that I chose a man. What I wasn’t ready for is how it would feel to be monogamous and take women out of the equation.

"Sex isn’t better with a man or woman but it’s definitely different. I had grieving to do.”

MARRIED: “I didn’t realize how selfish I was in bed until my husband. We have great sex, but different things meet our needs, so, I would say that for the first year, I was ‘Why do you like that?’ or ‘Why are you interested in it this way?’ — with judgment and an attitude. Nothing shows you how ridiculous you can be than marriage — well, other than having sex in a mirror so that you can see your facial expressions, energy and ego. Too funny, girl!”

9. Miriyam. 45. Married for 11 Years.

DATING: “I dunno — having sex and dating in your 20s is different than your 30s. I think what I remember most is sex in your 20s is fun and recreational and sex in your 30s, you start to be more introspective. That last part is why I got into a serious relationship. I hit about 31 and I was like, ‘I’ve had good sex. What tops that?’ Good sex with a great man does.”

ENGAGED: “I think the best sex of my life was when I was engaged. Not that the sex now isn’t good but that season of engagement — there is nothing like it! Plus, my [now] husband and I did a lot of traveling and sex in new places is so euphoric. We also took some sexual risks during that time. That’s our business. I had some real rushes then! I miss it, really.”

MARRIED: “The thing that you have to be careful of with marriage is not falling into a sexual rut and routine. Even when it’s good, you can be in a ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ mindset and that gets old. When you’re single, spontaneity happens a lot. When you’re married, you have to create it. Sounds weird, but it’s true.”

10. Pamela. 53. Married for 21 Years.

DATING: “I don’t really miss my dating days of sex. Hell, half of those men didn’t even deserve my kitty kat if I’m gonna be honest. And when you’ve been married for as long as I have, you start to forget a lot of that stuff anyway. I guess the main difference is the newness of a first time. There is something exciting about that. It passes really quick, though.”

ENGAGED: “Engaged sex is some of the best sex. Let me be specific — that time right after you’ve been proposed to, before all of the wedding planning stress, is wonderful. You know that you’ve been chose and you’ve chosen and so you and your partner find yourself doing all kinds of crazy stuff. Hmph. Now that I think about it, sex during wedding planning is good too — it’s that animalistic, stress-relief sex. Good times.”

MARRIED: “After around 15 years of marriage, sex is ‘thank you sex’. Thank you for sticking it out. Thank you for tolerating my bullsh-t. Thank you for being my homie. Thank you for giving me an orgasm even though you’re sleepy. Thanks for head even though I just pissed you off. Sex is about doing each other a solid for staying committed. I hope the readers get there to know what I am talking about.”

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Seasons and stages of sex. As you evolve, as your relationships shift, as your needs transition, you will go through seasons and stages of sex. Don’t fight it. EMBRACE IT. Because the awesome thing about all of them is they can teach you something new.

And that’s why, you will never get me to believe that sex gets old (pun intended).

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