Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with a wife of over two decades who hates to be on the receiving end of oral sex. It had me so intrigued that we ended up discussing it for almost an hour. Basically, what she said was that although she enjoys going down on her husband, she has never really found cunnilingus to be appealing with any man; plus, her husband can’t seem to come up with a technique that will change her mind.
Being the healthy sex-in-marriage fan that I am, I asked her to consider queening (you can learn more about that here). Then I told her that I was super grateful for her honesty and candor because it was going to inspire me to do some (extra) research on oral sex in general.
And so, y’all, here we are. Depending on how fast you read, be prepared to devote at least 5-7 minutes to some of the facts, statistics, and other intel that I’ve found out that’s centered around nothing but oral activities. Something tells me that there will be at least one tidbit in here that will cause your mouth to fall wide open (umm…no pun intended…LOL).
1. There Are Solid Health Benefits from Oral Sex
GiphyFirst up, oral sex having health benefits is not some line that a horny guy came up with; there is actual factual data to back that up. Aside from the fact that, just like sexual intercourse, it can reduce stress, increase dopamine levels, decrease pain and discomfort in the body, and keep your heart in great shape, oral sex is also great at fighting signs of aging and, thanks to the oxytocin boost that it provides, it can even help to make minor wounds heal faster.
Hey, that’s not all, though. When you get a chance, check out “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” to read more about how sperm/semen helps to boost cognitive abilities, improve the quality of your skin, and even make your teeth whiter (no joke!). There’s even melatonin in sperm/semen that can help you to sleep better.
As far as vaginas go, guys can serve themselves well by engaging in cunnilingus. One reason is that, so long as the vagina is healthy, there are as much as “100,000 to 100 million Lactobacillus cells per gram of vaginal fluid” up in there. Yep, the va-jay-jay is the ultimate probiotic, and probiotics are helpful for men because they lower stress, improve moods, strengthen immunity, stabilize testosterone levels, and help to prevent inflammation of their prostate.
2. Oral Sex Won’t Get You Pregnant BUT…
Even though oral sex won’t get you pregnant (which can be a huge plus if you’re not ready to be or interested in conceiving a child), please don’t think that you’re home-free on the STI/STD front because that absolutely couldn’t be further from the truth.
Basically, every sexually transmitted infection or disease (which at the end of the day is pretty much the same thing, although more people are starting to feel comfortable with the word “infection” in spite of “disease” still being more popular) that can be transmitted via sexual intercourse can also be transmitted during both fellatio as well as cunnilingus — this includes chlamydia, gonorrhea, and even HIV.
So, if you’re someone who has a casual mindset about oral sex, thinking that it’s somehow “safer,” just remember that there are more things to be concerned about in life than not getting pregnant. So yeah, definitely get tested every six months, and don’t feel the least bit bad about asking for your partner’s STI/STD test results before going down, either (especially if it’s someone new).
3. Even Though “Sex” Is Literally in the Term, Guess What?
GiphyI went to Christian schools until college, and boy, there was nothing like hearing people (especially girls) go into complete and utter denial that they had sex if it was of the oral variety — even though it is literally called “ORAL SEX.” What in the world? It makes you wonder if people even know what the definition of sex (when it comes to sex) actually means because it’s not sexual intercourse.
Sex, as a verb, in Merriam-Webster means “to arouse the sexual desires of,” and if you put “sex” on Google, it says, “sexual activity, including specifically sexual intercourse.”Seventeen Magazine says that sexual stimulation counts as sex and although a survey published inWomen’s Health Magazine reveals that a lot of people don’t think oral sex is “definitely sex,” they do see it more in a “sex light” if an orgasm transpires (humans are a trip, boy!).
Me? I think WebMDsums it up very well whenever folks want to deflect from oral sex being sex: “Oral sex involves genital contact and is an intimate act.” Yes, y’all — it’s sex. It’s time to let the denial…GO.
4. Fellatio's Origin Is Extremely Literal
If you and some of the people in your world like to play your own randomly weird version of impromptu Jeopardy, perhaps this lil’ tidbit of information will come in handy one day. Although I’m pretty sure that you know that fellatio is all about orally stimulating a man’s penis, did you know that the word’s origin is in the Latin language and that it literally means “to suck”?
As far as cunnilingus goes, from what I’ve read and researched, it too is Latin; however, it’s the combination of two words: cunnus (which speaks to a woman’s vulva) and lingere (which means “to lick”). Hmm…sounds very close to lingerie, doesn’t it? That’s another deep dive for another time, I guess.
5. It Doesn’t Happen As Much As You (Probably) Think It Does
GiphyI’m not sure if this will surprise you, but it certainly did me. Did you know that, on average, people only engage in oral sex around five times a month — whether they are on the giving or receiving end? As far as analingus is concerned (because oral stimulation of the anus certainly qualifies as oral sex), twice a month is what most folks are doing out here (whether they choose to admit it or not).
6. No Head Is a Deal-Breaker for Quite a Few People
As I was checking out some popular surveys on the topic, I was kind of thrown to see that only a little over half of the US population thinks that oral sex not being on the table is a sexual deal-breaker. Hell, I wish a man would expect me to commit for the long haul without that being on the menu (negro, please!).
To me, that speaks of pure selfishness with a dash of immaturity, although some of my male friends said that if they had to choose between intercourse and blowjobs, it would be intercourse for the win every single time (the same survey said that close to 93 percent of women enjoy giving head, by the way). Thoughts?
7. Fellatio Can Benefit Fertility and Pregnancy
GiphyI’ve already shared some of the ways that giving head can benefit the lives of both men and women; however, did you know that it can also make it easier to conceive too?
There’s a study in the Netherlands that revealed there are paternal antigens in a woman’s partner that, when she swallows his sperm/semen, can actually increase her chances of conceiving and decrease her chances of miscarrying. Hmph. Y’all keep on thinking that sex is nothing but a casual act if you want to. Science constantly proves that it’s way more intricate and purpose-filled than that, chile.
8. The Average Age of One's First Sexual Experience Is...
It’s not TMI for me because I wrote it in my first book. The first time I was on the receiving end of oral sex was around 19. Apparently, I’m an old head because, guess what the average age is for both guys and girls? Freakin’ 16. Hmph. What immediately comes to my mind is what someone I know used to say to their daughters when they were in high school: “The same penis that you’re trying to suck is the same one their parents are trying to get them to wash.” Talk about a reality check.
Anyway, at the same time, around 33 percent of girls and 36 percent of guys say that they never had oral sex during their teen years, so that can give some of your parents hope if you’d prefer none of this to go down before their high school graduation.
9. Throat Cancer Is Not What You Have to Worry About When It Comes to Oral Sex
GiphySome of us are old enough to remember (it was just a decade ago, by the way) when actor Michael Douglas caused folks to freak out in a semi-major way by saying that he got throat cancer by giving oral sex. Eh. Not quite. The complete truth is no, you cannot get throat cancer from oral sex. At the same time, what you can get is the human papillomavirus (HPV).
It’s an STI/STD that’s currently the most commonly transmitted in our country, and if it’s left untreated, it can turn into precancerous cells that could very well lead to throat cancer in some instances. Just one more reason to get tested regularly and to only, umm, engage with those who do the same.
10. What You (Might've) Heard About White Folks and Oral Sex Is Apparently…True
Back when I was younger, and I would hear folks who were like 10-15 years older than me talk about oral sex, oftentimes they would say, “That’s what white folks do.” Now, while I think we’ve been just as oral as everyone else (just probably more private or perhaps even sneaky about it), there are official formal studies that say that white men start going down on folks before any other demographic and that white people, in general, partake in oral sex more than any other ethnicity. Gee, I guess those people I was ear hustlin’ on were kinda-sorta right.
11. Mouthwash Can (Possibly) Be Beneficial on a Couple of Levels
GiphyHere’s a hack: If you’re looking for a way to give your partner an extra tingly sensation when you’re performing oral sex or you’d like a flavor that is a bit of a “distraction,” put a mint in your mouth beforehand or gargle with some minty antibacterial mouthwash.
If you do decide to go the mouthwash route, it’s actually got another benefit — word on the street is it can help to kill off some of the bacteria colonies in your mouth and throat that are directly associated with the STI/STD gonorrhea. Pretty wild, right?
Now, this doesn’t mean that you can just gargle some Listerine after unprotected oral sex and be all good. However, there is more data coming out that it can be beneficial on the killing bacteria front as far as certain STIs/STDs go. The more you know.
12. Certain Animals Get Down with the Get Down
Oral sex isn’t limited to humans. There are actually certain animals that take great pleasure in it, too. Some that top the list include hyenas, goats, sheep, cheetahs, lions, bears, fruit bats, and gorillas. Something that I personally like about knowing this is it proves what I am a firm believer in — that sex isn’t just for procreation. All sorts of mammals engage in it for sheer pleasure, too. #salute
13. Guys Wanna Go Down More; Women Find It Less Pleasurable to Return the Favor
GiphyIf you’ve got a guy who tries to deflect from being more “orally active,” share with him that some popular studies actually reveal that more straight men would like to perform cunnilingus than they actually do. Meanwhile, although a lot of women are open to performing fellatio, some surveys say that only 28 percent of women take great pleasure in doing it. Some of the top reasons include because they feel like they are doing it out of obligation, while others don’t like doing it during casual sex.
14. More Church Folks Could Stand to Learn What Cistern Means
Church folks, chile. I won’t say any names, yet I will share the story. I once heard a Black megachurch pastor go on and on about how back in his “unsaved days,” he used to receive oral sex often (come to think of it, I don’t recall him saying that he was on the giving end as well…ANYWAY). Oh, but now that he’s come to the Lord, he doesn’t “disrespect his wife” by having her do that.
I promise you that I think a lot of folks need a Schoolhouse Rock Gospel Edition when it comes to the Bible and how fond it is of sexual activity because when King Solomon (2 Timothy 3:16-17) said, “Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well” in a chapter of the Bible that is devoted to marital fidelity (Proverbs 5:15) — I wonder how many people get that a cistern is defined as being “a reservoir or receptacle of some natural fluid of the body.”
Do I need to go deeper, or should I just pass the collection plate around one good time now?
15. One of the Oldest References to Oral Sex Is Pretty Mind-Blowing
GiphyWhat I just said brings me to one final point. Those of us who pay attention to the geography of the Bible know that it consists of Africa (Egypt specifically) and the Middle East. That’s why, whenever folks say that it’s “the white man’s religion,” I roll my eyes. Anyway, guess what I read once upon a time? Salon published an article entitled, “Ancient Egyptians were so into oral sex, they put it in their religion — and religious art,” which complements what I just said about the cistern pretty well, if I do say so myself. That’s not what tripped me out, though. It’s the tale of Isis and Osiris.
As legend has it, when Osiris was killed by his brother and cut into pieces, his penis was missing. Isis made one out of clay, sucked it, and brought Osiris back to life. It is one of the oldest documentation of oral sex in history. Like I said…mind blown.
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So, tell me, which of these 15 points caught you totally off guard and why? For me, what I like about these kinds of pieces is it’s a reminder that everything has layers and things that we can always learn more about. Clearly, fellatio, cunnilingus, and analingus are no exception. Not by a long shot.
Clearly. *Whew*. CLEARLY.
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
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Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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