12 Married Couples Share Keys For Taking Sexual Intimacy To Another Level
No matter what your personal views may be on marriage (or even sex, for that matter), there is still plenty of data out in these internet streets (like here and here) that says marital sex is the best sex. Things like sexually interacting with someone who is fully committed to you, removing the self-consciousness that can come with new partners, and the convenience of being able to get it in easier than if you were seeing someone who doesn’t live with you all factor into why.
And that’s why I thought it would be a good idea to sit down and ask some married couples about what they do in their own sex lives to keep it hot — consistently so. Because whether you’re married right now, are in a relationship, or have no plans on jumping somebody’s broom but do enjoy spicing things up in the bedroom, these 12 couples (I asked both the husband and wife for insights) can give you some solid food for thought about things that can keep smiles on you and your partner’s faces each and every time you decide to get down.
Believe that, chile.
1. The Wilsons. Married 11 Years.
GiphyHusband: “We’re students of sex in our home. What I mean by that is we pick different things that we want to learn more about and act like students. A couple of weeks ago, we went down the rabbit hole of how to make our own lubricant. A couple of months ago, it was about finding condoms that my wife liked the taste of. One night last week, it was all about which positions made her c-m the fastest. People who say sex is boring are lazy. There’s too much to learn to think that way.”
Wife: “Yep. I remember one time, we devoted two weeks to me doing nothing but Kegels and him learning about how to increase his stamina. Then we did a compare-and-contrast to see if sex actually improved. We even offer prizes for those who complete their ‘homework.’ Being a student is how you become an expert — and you should definitely be an expert at pleasing your partner.”
2. The Jemesons. Married 7 Years.
Husband: "Here's a tip, ladies — a lot of us aren't 'bored' with our partner; we're drained. If we're constantly being complained to or picked on, that's gonna put us mentally out of the mood. We're big fans of having 'marriage business meetings' once a week where we talk about deep stuff and then kind of keeping it light the rest of the time. Sure, life will come up, but stressors all of the time is definitely how to keep a penis limp, especially if you constantly want to have deep conversations in the bedroom."
Wife: "It's actually something that you mentioned in a session, Shellie, that's done a lot for our sex life. Remember when you talked about having sex based on love languages? He likes dirty talk (words of affirmation), and I like a clean kitchen (acts of service). Doing what makes us feel seen and desired, even when it comes to sex, has made sex so much better."
Shellie here: Yep. I wrote an article for the platform about it. Check out "Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?" when you get a chance.
3. The Aldersons. Married 4 Years.
Husband: “One night a month, we stay in bed for 24 hours. Except to shower or use the bathroom, we don’t get out at all. We order food. We stay naked. We don’t even turn on the television. We either have sex or sleep — that’s it. Try it, and you’ll see why we always look forward to it.”
Wife: “There is too much information on the internet to not take advantage of it. Just like you will look up natural ways to cure a cold or how to keep your natural hair moisturized, it’s a good idea to learn about sex tips too. One of my [wife] friends had a video from a sex expert. A Black sista named Goody Howard. It was a workshop that’s all about how to give head. She invited some girlfriends over to watch it, and it was one of the best things that I had seen in a while. Knowledge is power.”
Shellie here: I went to the site. The “Work their clit. Not their nerves.” and “Get on his dick. Not his nerves.” gear are sheer comedy, boy!
4. The Baileys. Married 11 Years.
GiphyHusband: “We go on sex dates no less than once every couple of months. It’s an actual date that’s about having sex at the end of it. Sometimes I’ll book a local hotel reservation. Sometimes she’ll plan a road trip that’s a drive away. It’s exciting because it builds anticipation and adds spontaneity.”
Wife: “I have a lingerie budget. Both my hubby and I contribute to it, and I try and make purchases every month. My man is big on seduction, but even if yours prefers you naked with not many bows and whistles, he'll still do a double-take if you’re wrapped up in something sexy — and it’s not the same thing that you’ve been wearing for years.”
5. The Jacksons. Married 20 Years.
Husband: "I once heard a quote that said something along the lines of 'If you're bored with life, you don't have enough goals.' We tie this to our sex life. Basically, we set goals that we want to achieve and then top from foreplay to sexual pleasure to doing things that we've never done before. For the most part, we try and set between 1-3 goals a month, and it's not failed us for two decades."
Wife: "Every couple needs a sex box or sex kit. Have some blindfolds, cuffs, sex toys, condiments, lube, massage candles, edible panties, and whatever else you can think of in there. I try and change our box up every season with new scents and colors of things just to keep things fresh. When he sees the box on the bed, he knows it's on!"
6. The Kings. Married 6 Years.
Husband: "My wife is my best friend, so we talk about everything — and I do mean everything. One of my favorite things about her is she's very self-confident, which means she doesn't really have a jealousy streak. And since we both had a past before each other, we're able to talk about it. When it comes to sex, what comes up is our 'best' moments — the best sex, the best head, etc. Names and sh-t like that aren't necessary, but we will talk about technique and preferences. And since I don't have to suppress that kind of stuff, she's been able to top every woman from my past…all because she's always open to talking about it."
Wife: "He's right. We chose each other, so the past isn't a threat. Too many women keep their man in fear of bringing up real needs because, God forbid, it's tied to something that happened without them. What's crazy is I think, more than anything, our sex life is so good because there are no secrets or walls. We both want to be whatever each other needs, so we both will listen to what's required to make that happen. Unconditional sharing is the ultimate foreplay."
7. The Hoffmans. Married 10 Years.
GiphyHusband: “My wife and I do sex dares a lot, and it’s just like it sounds. We’ll take turns ‘daring each other’ to try something that we’ve either never done before or haven’t in a while. Stuff like, ‘I dare you to find the wildest sex toy on the internet and ship it to your job’ or ‘I dare you to make me c -m with your feet.’ Sometimes it’s a crazy dare. Sometimes it’s a funny one. Sometimes the goal is to get off. Sometimes it’s just to have a laugh. It makes sh-t exciting, though.”
Wife: “If you don’t have a sex fantasy box somewhere in your house, you should. A lot of couples fall into a rut because they figure out what works, and they don’t do anything else. It’s been ten years, and we’re still learning about each other as far as what our imaginations are capable of. Write down your fantasies and rise to the occasion. Your sex life will never get old.”
Shellie here: Check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’” for tips on how to create your own.
8. The Cages. Married 3 Years.
Husband: “Learn what gets your partner in the mood and do it. Don’t do it just so they will have sex with you; do it so they will feel sexy and safe in your space enough to want to more often. That has always been my focus with [my wife], and it has paid off in a million ways.”
Wife: “Did y’all see that swallowologist who was onLove & Marriage: DC a couple of weeks ago? It tickled me because there is actually a friend in my circle who we all consider to be one — and yes, she comes to our homes and gives us tips on how to be better at fellatio. What a lot of my married girlfriends have said is they don’t dislike doing it; it’s more that they are self-conscious that they aren’t doing a good job. If you can relate, at least ask your partner how to please him. He’ll be more than willing to break it down.”
9. The Mavericks. Married 20 Years.
Husband: “Learn your partner’s ‘spots.’ It’s not just gonna be their genitals either. My wife knows that I have a spot on my neck that will get whatever she wants out of me. I know she’s got a spot on one of her shoulder blades that brings out another side of her. D—k and p—y are predictable. Find those secret spots that only you should know about.”
Wife: “My man never knows what I’m gonna do! I might blindfold him and put different condiments on my body for him to lick off while guessing what they are. I might make a meal of nothing but aphrodisiacs and serve them naked. I might summon him to come home for lunch…so that he can eat. Keeping a man on his toes is what keeps you satisfied when you’re on your back.”
Shellie here: On the condiments tip, I’ve definitely got you covered. Check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”.
10. The Waters. Married 17 Years.
GiphyHusband: “We always work on topping what works. Like, my wife enjoys the spooning position. What I do is try different scents, different touch points, different kinds of kisses to see what can get a different kind of rise out of her. I like head. Who doesn’t? But she will bring in ice one day, peppermint candy another — who knows? The stuff that always works only gets boring when you don’t try and find ways to make it work…better.”
Wife: “I like it when we play sex game night. There are so many sex board and card games that are out these days that they’re easy to find. One of my favorites, I stumbled on, on Etsy. It’s a sex scratch-off game [here]. We even put wagers on it like, ‘Whoever loses pays for the next date’ or ‘Whoever wins gets their sexual requests met without hesitation for the next three days.’ Married sex is the best sex when you get creative with it.”
11. The Nichols. Married 9 Years.
Husband: “Quickies are the ultimate stress release, so we’ve committed to be each other’s stress reliever. Since we both work from home, it’s nothing for my wife to shoot me a text to be like, ‘Bae, I need it,’ and I will put my calls on hold to give her some mouth or sex action. Ten minutes can totally change the trajectory of someone’s day. Don’t underestimate quickies — all forms too.”
Wife: “We also don’t get to travel as much as we’d like, so we’ll do destination themes in our bedroom. Like for Valentine’s Day, we created a winter escape with fake snow, a YouTube sound video of a snowstorm, and some candles that smell like snow. Then we turned on a fan and snuggled underneath a big comforter and some flannel sheets. Little things that change the atmosphere can be the biggest turn-on.”
12. The Baileys. Married 31 Years.
Husband: “We usually say grace before sex. Sometimes my wife looks so sexy that all I’ve got for God is ‘Good food, good meat, good God, let’s eat!’ Seriously, though, we believe that God is a huge part of our connection and that he doesn’t wait outside of the bedroom door until sex is over. People have a lot of shame about the spirituality of sex. We don’t. Asking God to bless what he gave us makes it better.”
Wife: “Besides…if it bothers you to factor in the spiritual side of sexuality, you should probably rethink either what you’re doing — or who you’re doing it with.”
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See…I told you that they were going to have some gems. If nothing else, let their proven insights serve as a reminder to plan to make sex better with your own partner. Because, as the old saying goes, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail. And who wants to do that when it comes to sexual pleasure, especially now that you can see how easy planning can be? Exactly.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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