This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’
It really is comedy that, right when I sat down to pen this piece, the music that played in my head came from a song that I literally haven't heard in at least 10 years. Tell me something—where were you back in 1999 when Ludacris featuring Shawnna's song "What's Your Fantasy?" came out? Wow, y'all. That was—count 'em—21 freakin' years ago. I get why it played in my psyche, though. If you pay close attention to it, it's basically a sex bucket list. Luda was talking about going from jets to cars, having sex in kitchens and jacuzzis, making home movies and laying on a bedful of cash—the list went on and on until the song faded out. Basically, he was rapping about his sexual fantasies. And that's something that all of us have.
In a nutshell, a fantasy is what transpires when our imagination is totally uninhibited. And just where do our fantasies come from? Good question. From what I've read and researched, it can be anything from our imagination to something we've read in a book or discussed with friend. Or, it could be tied to something deeper like a childhood experience, some porn that we've watched or a sexual opportunity that we felt we let get away. Or, it could even be about wanting to relive—or add onto—a really great experience that we've already had. What you can know for sure is fantasies don't come out of nowhere; there is indeed a source. That's why it's a good idea to reflect on that fact before you actually put your sexual bucket list together. That way, you can know what you are picking out of possible trauma, habit or pure eroticism. That way, you can also know what fantasies should actually be explored and, which ones should be filed away in the back of your own mind.
Once you are clear on what belongs where, you can put together an I-want-to-do-this-before-my-libido-dies list that will bring you pleasure, will only benefit your relationship, and will cause very little drama once your fantasy becomes an actual reality. Here's how to make all of this happen for you and yours.
The Fantasizing That You Should Do Alone
Reflect on every sexual fantasy you've ever had. We all know what a bucket list is; it's a list of things that we want to accomplish either before a certain time or season in our lives, or before we take our final breath on this earth. A sex bucket list would be all of the sexual things that fall under this definition. Clearly, I'm all about creating sex bucket lists or I wouldn't be writing this article. However, what I will also say is, just because you have a fantasy of some sort, that doesn't automatically mean that you and your partner should make it come true. Because we are all individuals with unique imaginations, it really is best to take out some time to do your own sexual journaling where, not only do you write down what your sexual fantasies are but where you think they came from. Not to get super deep here, but it bears mentioning that if you've always wanted to have sex with an older man while someone is watching, you might want to ponder if something similar happened to you in your childhood or adolescence. Or, if you want to do some of the things that you and an ex did, is it about the sex itself or more about you wanting to use your current partner to relive what you haven't let go in your past?
It's a poor assumption that every sexual fantasy should be fulfilled or that all of them come from a pure and healthy space. Some are tied to unresolved past issues. Some are cool, but you really should keep them to yourself. The only way to know for sure is to jot down all of your sexual fantasies and try and find the source of where they came from (if you can). After that, you're ready for the next step.
Then think about the ones that will—and won't—benefit your relationship. When it comes to healthy decision-making, hands down, one of my favorite words to apply to the decision-making process is "beneficial". When something is beneficial, it is both advantageous and good. Another great definition of the word is "make improvement". You get what this means, right? Before embarking on making a sexual fantasy come true, it's important to ask yourself if and how it will be advantageous for your relationship beyond merely scratching some itch. Also ask yourself if it will be good for the both of you to partake in it. And finally, will it ultimately improve the relationship on any level?
There's someone I know whose husband wants to check a threesome off of his sex bucket list. He doesn't pressure his wife to have one, but he does bring it up, at least a couple of times a year. Whenever his wife brings it up to me and I ask her how she feels about it, she's like, "I have no interest in being with another woman, he is absolutely against being with another man and, I feel like after it would be over, I'd be totally mortified." Yeah, sex and mortified are not like peanut butter and jelly; they are absolutely not supposed to go together.
Only a selfish lover would expect their partner to do something that might satisfy them but won't benefit the relationship overall. It really is important to ask yourself what, on your sex bucket list, would really only make you happy as opposed to help the relationship that you are in overall.
(By the way, when it comes to both of these points, it's a good idea to recommend that your partner do these two steps before the two of you put a list together too.)
The Fantasizing You Should Do with Your Partner
Figure out which sexual fantasies will actually take your relationship to the next level. Once you've got what should, and shouldn't, actually go onto your couple's bucket list, the next thing you need to decide is which fantasies will push your sex life—and ultimately, your relationship—forward. Like, if you've always wanted to have sex in an elevator, is that because you both are natural risk-takers and you want to bring more spontaneity into the relationship? Or, if you want to read erotica to one another, is that a way of making quality time extra sexy?
Something that both of you may have always wanted to do is go on a date at a strip or swinger's club, but have you really thought that through? It's one thing to look at hot women or men alone or to watch people having sex on a monitor, but when things are up close and personal and you're watching your partner's reaction to who and what they are only a few feet away from, that can trigger the green-eyed monster or cause you to activate feelings that you might not have known were there before.
Having sex in your childhood bed. Engaging in oral sex in a public place. Getting it in at your offices after hours. Making your own sex tape. Having sex in the rain. Creating your own multiple orgasms competition to see who can give the other more of 'em. Whatever your sex fantasies are, before putting them down on your actual sex bucket list, it's a good idea for both of you to discuss which ones would be great for the relationship and why. (Trust me, you'll thank me later if you do.)
Prioritize the desire and timing of each one. Once you've got a random list together, another good idea is to rank, on a scale of 1-5, which fantasies take top priority. There's a simple reason for this recommendation—tomorrow is not promised and so, if the goal is to check off as many fantasies as possible, you need to figure out which ones are the most important to you. Like, if you've never had sex in a parking lot, what are you waiting on? You could pretty much knock that one down today (relatively-speaking). On the other hand, if you've always wanted to have sex in a particular ocean or in a certain country, it's time to pull your sex jar out and do some planning. By putting your sex list in the order of what you want to do ASAP vs. what is worth waiting for, not only can it spice up your sex life in the present, but it can also give you and yours something to look forward to in the future. Both can keep sexual boredom down to a minimum, and that's always a good thing where your relationship is concerned.
Finally, Set the Right Ambiance for Creating Your Sex Bucket List
Get a fresh journal for your bucket list. Sex is important. So, don't just scribble your sex bucket list on some random sheet of paper and toss it into a drawer. Pick up a fresh journal, one that you will devote solely to it and it alone. Then put it in one of your nightstands so that the two of you can refer back to it often. Or, if you're super bold and daring, design your list and have it framed to hang up somewhere in your bedroom. Make it a literal piece of art (because it is).
Create a sexy atmosphere while making it. Whenever you and yours decide to put your sex bucket list together, avoid doing it while you're watching a show on television or as you're both scrolling through your Instagram accounts before going to sleep. Create an atmosphere that will put both of you in a sensual mood. Dim the lights. Light some scented candles. Throw on a sex-inducing streaming playlist. Make clothing optional. Nothing about what you're about to do should feel like work. It's needs to be as erotic, intriguing and fun as possible.
Have some aphrodisiacs on deck. Something else that can be cool is you can turn your sex bucket list time into a bit of an indoor picnic; one that has nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. As you agree to what should go on the list, celebrate with some chocolate-flavored strawberries or honey-coated almonds. As your sex bucket list is feeding your sense of hearing, let some aphrodisiac foods feed your sense of taste.
Agree to check something off of the list, after making your list, ASAP. Whether you've got 25 or 150 things on your sex bucket list (remember, this can always be a build-as-you-go sort of thing), once you're done and you both review it, I'm sure that there is something that you can make happen sooner than later. Make the effort of putting the list together totally worth your while by checking something off, just as soon as you can. You'll both feel a sense of achievement…and what a way to reward yourselves for putting the list together in the first place. Feel me? Somehow, I know that you do. #wink
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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