This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’

"Whatever your sex fantasy is with your partner, consider it normal."—Harriet Lerner


It really is comedy that, right when I sat down to pen this piece, the music that played in my head came from a song that I literally haven't heard in at least 10 years. Tell me something—where were you back in 1999 when Ludacris featuring Shawnna's song "What's Your Fantasy?" came out? Wow, y'all. That was—count 'em—21 freakin' years ago. I get why it played in my psyche, though. If you pay close attention to it, it's basically a sex bucket list. Luda was talking about going from jets to cars, having sex in kitchens and jacuzzis, making home movies and laying on a bedful of cash—the list went on and on until the song faded out. Basically, he was rapping about his sexual fantasies. And that's something that all of us have.

In a nutshell, a fantasy is what transpires when our imagination is totally uninhibited. And just where do our fantasies come from? Good question. From what I've read and researched, it can be anything from our imagination to something we've read in a book or discussed with friend. Or, it could be tied to something deeper like a childhood experience, some porn that we've watched or a sexual opportunity that we felt we let get away. Or, it could even be about wanting to relive—or add onto—a really great experience that we've already had. What you can know for sure is fantasies don't come out of nowhere; there is indeed a source. That's why it's a good idea to reflect on that fact before you actually put your sexual bucket list together. That way, you can know what you are picking out of possible trauma, habit or pure eroticism. That way, you can also know what fantasies should actually be explored and, which ones should be filed away in the back of your own mind.

Once you are clear on what belongs where, you can put together an I-want-to-do-this-before-my-libido-dies list that will bring you pleasure, will only benefit your relationship, and will cause very little drama once your fantasy becomes an actual reality. Here's how to make all of this happen for you and yours.

The Fantasizing That You Should Do Alone


Reflect on every sexual fantasy you've ever had. We all know what a bucket list is; it's a list of things that we want to accomplish either before a certain time or season in our lives, or before we take our final breath on this earth. A sex bucket list would be all of the sexual things that fall under this definition. Clearly, I'm all about creating sex bucket lists or I wouldn't be writing this article. However, what I will also say is, just because you have a fantasy of some sort, that doesn't automatically mean that you and your partner should make it come true. Because we are all individuals with unique imaginations, it really is best to take out some time to do your own sexual journaling where, not only do you write down what your sexual fantasies are but where you think they came from. Not to get super deep here, but it bears mentioning that if you've always wanted to have sex with an older man while someone is watching, you might want to ponder if something similar happened to you in your childhood or adolescence. Or, if you want to do some of the things that you and an ex did, is it about the sex itself or more about you wanting to use your current partner to relive what you haven't let go in your past?

It's a poor assumption that every sexual fantasy should be fulfilled or that all of them come from a pure and healthy space. Some are tied to unresolved past issues. Some are cool, but you really should keep them to yourself. The only way to know for sure is to jot down all of your sexual fantasies and try and find the source of where they came from (if you can). After that, you're ready for the next step.

Then think about the ones that will—and won't—benefit your relationship. When it comes to healthy decision-making, hands down, one of my favorite words to apply to the decision-making process is "beneficial". When something is beneficial, it is both advantageous and good. Another great definition of the word is "make improvement". You get what this means, right? Before embarking on making a sexual fantasy come true, it's important to ask yourself if and how it will be advantageous for your relationship beyond merely scratching some itch. Also ask yourself if it will be good for the both of you to partake in it. And finally, will it ultimately improve the relationship on any level?

There's someone I know whose husband wants to check a threesome off of his sex bucket list. He doesn't pressure his wife to have one, but he does bring it up, at least a couple of times a year. Whenever his wife brings it up to me and I ask her how she feels about it, she's like, "I have no interest in being with another woman, he is absolutely against being with another man and, I feel like after it would be over, I'd be totally mortified." Yeah, sex and mortified are not like peanut butter and jelly; they are absolutely not supposed to go together.

Only a selfish lover would expect their partner to do something that might satisfy them but won't benefit the relationship overall. It really is important to ask yourself what, on your sex bucket list, would really only make you happy as opposed to help the relationship that you are in overall.

(By the way, when it comes to both of these points, it's a good idea to recommend that your partner do these two steps before the two of you put a list together too.)

The Fantasizing You Should Do with Your Partner


Figure out which sexual fantasies will actually take your relationship to the next level. Once you've got what should, and shouldn't, actually go onto your couple's bucket list, the next thing you need to decide is which fantasies will push your sex life—and ultimately, your relationship—forward. Like, if you've always wanted to have sex in an elevator, is that because you both are natural risk-takers and you want to bring more spontaneity into the relationship? Or, if you want to read erotica to one another, is that a way of making quality time extra sexy?

Something that both of you may have always wanted to do is go on a date at a strip or swinger's club, but have you really thought that through? It's one thing to look at hot women or men alone or to watch people having sex on a monitor, but when things are up close and personal and you're watching your partner's reaction to who and what they are only a few feet away from, that can trigger the green-eyed monster or cause you to activate feelings that you might not have known were there before.

Having sex in your childhood bed. Engaging in oral sex in a public place. Getting it in at your offices after hours. Making your own sex tape. Having sex in the rain. Creating your own multiple orgasms competition to see who can give the other more of 'em. Whatever your sex fantasies are, before putting them down on your actual sex bucket list, it's a good idea for both of you to discuss which ones would be great for the relationship and why. (Trust me, you'll thank me later if you do.)

Prioritize the desire and timing of each one. Once you've got a random list together, another good idea is to rank, on a scale of 1-5, which fantasies take top priority. There's a simple reason for this recommendation—tomorrow is not promised and so, if the goal is to check off as many fantasies as possible, you need to figure out which ones are the most important to you. Like, if you've never had sex in a parking lot, what are you waiting on? You could pretty much knock that one down today (relatively-speaking). On the other hand, if you've always wanted to have sex in a particular ocean or in a certain country, it's time to pull your sex jar out and do some planning. By putting your sex list in the order of what you want to do ASAP vs. what is worth waiting for, not only can it spice up your sex life in the present, but it can also give you and yours something to look forward to in the future. Both can keep sexual boredom down to a minimum, and that's always a good thing where your relationship is concerned.

Finally, Set the Right Ambiance for Creating Your Sex Bucket List


Get a fresh journal for your bucket list. Sex is important. So, don't just scribble your sex bucket list on some random sheet of paper and toss it into a drawer. Pick up a fresh journal, one that you will devote solely to it and it alone. Then put it in one of your nightstands so that the two of you can refer back to it often. Or, if you're super bold and daring, design your list and have it framed to hang up somewhere in your bedroom. Make it a literal piece of art (because it is).

Create a sexy atmosphere while making it. Whenever you and yours decide to put your sex bucket list together, avoid doing it while you're watching a show on television or as you're both scrolling through your Instagram accounts before going to sleep. Create an atmosphere that will put both of you in a sensual mood. Dim the lights. Light some scented candles. Throw on a sex-inducing streaming playlist. Make clothing optional. Nothing about what you're about to do should feel like work. It's needs to be as erotic, intriguing and fun as possible.

Have some aphrodisiacs on deck. Something else that can be cool is you can turn your sex bucket list time into a bit of an indoor picnic; one that has nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. As you agree to what should go on the list, celebrate with some chocolate-flavored strawberries or honey-coated almonds. As your sex bucket list is feeding your sense of hearing, let some aphrodisiac foods feed your sense of taste.

Agree to check something off of the list, after making your list, ASAP. Whether you've got 25 or 150 things on your sex bucket list (remember, this can always be a build-as-you-go sort of thing), once you're done and you both review it, I'm sure that there is something that you can make happen sooner than later. Make the effort of putting the list together totally worth your while by checking something off, just as soon as you can. You'll both feel a sense of achievement…and what a way to reward yourselves for putting the list together in the first place. Feel me? Somehow, I know that you do. #wink

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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Featured image by Shutterstock

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