How To French Kiss, According To An Expert
K-I-S-S-I-N-G was supposed to lead to love, then marriage, and then a baby carriage. And though that clearly isn't how that works, I think we can all remember learning how to French kiss being sort of a big deal in adolescence. Still. It's one of those things that you don't forget. Truly, my first kiss is still the source of my anxiety when it comes to the most basic tongue action that we'll ever discuss as adults: French kissing. I was in eighth grade and the boy who I had been pining over for all of the fall semester was finally mine. It was after school in the hall as he was on his way to basketball practice when he leaned in for a kiss. I quickly called attention to the fact that I didn't know how to kiss in an awkward outburst. He ran off laughing and told the entire locker room.
To this day, I'm not all that certain I'm the best kisser, though I hopefully hope no one has me on their list of worst kissers. Much like when Hitch instructed Kevin to stick with a two-step in the 2005 eponymously named film, I coach myself to stick with the one-two step of tonguing. I let our tongues wrestle just a little and then when I'm not certain what comes next, I suck and bite a little lip. However, I'm certain that French kissing can be far more intricate than this.
Thankfully, I know my strengths and weaknesses well enough to know that I had to use a lifeline for this one. I got in touch with Tyomi Morgan, ACS Pleasure Coach and certified Sexologist to pick her brain. Better yet on a few, much-needed pointers to achieve the much desired accolade of most improved French kisser.
You'll be happy to find that she delivered, here's what was said.
Kissing With Tongue: How To French Kiss, According To An Expert
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Like I said, I'm not the best kisser so it always feels super awkward right down to not really understanding where my tongue should be and when it should be there. Morgan says, "The dance that tongues do during French kissing really depends on the people who are in the act. One partner may have a more dominant approach while the other is more passive. There are situations where both partners are dominant in how they approach the French kiss which could lead to awkwardness...it's all about creating a balance that allows the kissing to flow effortlessly."
The Pleasure Coach adds, "One partner secedes to the other and allows the other to lead. Then, roles can be reversed allowing the submissive partner to take the lead.
"Tongues can do a lot of different things in the French kiss. Partners can touch tongue tips or circle each other's tips while the tongues are poked out. One partner can suck on the other's tongue while it pokes in and out, or tongues can rub up against each other with the upper side caressing the underside of the other. Tongues can chase each other inside of their mouths, embrace like sword fighting or rub up against the inner lips. The tip of the tongue can also be used to flick or trace the lips as well.
"Tongues are always moving in a French kiss — how they move is determined by the messages they want to convey to each other."
This actually provides relief in understanding not only what I'm "supposed" to do but also knowing why many of my kisses have probably been so awkward. In always feeling compelled to do something, and absolutely anything, I will dominate the kiss without offering space for my partners to do so. I do this to fill the "silence" so to speak and pose as if I know what I'm doing. When in actuality, the key is to let it flow!
Know That The Tongue Is A Muscle & Work It Like One
black and white love GIFGiphyIf practice makes perfect, then how exactly can we apply that logic to kissing? Me, personally, I visualize that scene from Superstar where ol' girl is making out with the tree. But Morgan recommends working out. Yes, you read that absolutely right! "The tongue is a muscle and must be worked out just like any other muscle in the body. Flabby tongues don't maneuver as well as strong ones, and don't have as much control.
"Strengthening the tongue is the first thing to do to gain control over the tongue's ability to deliver pleasurable strokes. The techniques found in the book, Blow Him Away by Marcy Michaels contains several tongue strengthening exercises that are easy to perform on a daily basis. Using the tongue to eat treats from cups like applesauce, pudding, jello or even frozen desserts are great ways to practice using the tongue as well. Licking food from spoons also helps."
As someone who will lick anything out of a cup rather than waste spoons, my tongue might be better off than I anticipated. And as far as technique? Well, watch and learn! Not me, of course. "Watching videos of people French kissing goes a long way in providing examples of how to move tongues when in a French kiss."
If you've already mastered the French kiss, the Glam Erotica founder gives us some additional tips that will help add to the sensuality of your French kisses:
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1. Keep it Slow and Steady
As my supervisor says "this is a marathon not a race" and thus it makes sense that Morgan suggests being mindful of our breath when we're kissing. "Breathing plays a big part in French kissing, as the noses are close together and the mouth is in action.
"Slowing down the breath and exhaling gently through the mouth is a technique that can help with connection and controlling the pace of kissing. Letting out sighs of ecstasy and moans of enjoyment can also heighten the experience and communicate your desire for more to a partner."
2. Touch and Go
Additionally, "Using your hands to grab, caress or rub on other erogenous zones while locking lips and tongues is an easy way to heighten arousal and take things up a notch. Rinsing the mouth before kissing or popping a piece of gum or a breath mint will go a long way."
3. Food-play for Foreplay
Big bonus game? Make your kisses edible. Yes. Expert Tyomi Morgan suggests integrating some food to up the kinky on your kisses.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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