12 Absolutely Bomb Sex Techniques To Try Tonight

If you want to amp up your sex life, these techniques will help you attain your pleasure goals.


Not too long ago, while doing an interview on sex and relationships, the interviewer asked me, "Don't you ever get tired of talking about sex?" Is she crazy? That would be a firm "no". I think it's because, two things that absolutely fascinate me, are sex and relationships. Since both transpire between human beings, there are always layers and surprises to be experienced. And, when it comes to sex specifically, there are also always techniques to try—things that can be done to make sex even better than it already is.

Today, that's what this article is totally devoted to—things that you and yours can do that will hopefully enhance your sexual performance and help you to accomplish a new level sexual pleasure and satisfaction. Because really, when "upgrading" your sex life is a constant focus and goal, how can you ever get tired of sex? I mean, like…ever.

1. Create a “Sex Code”


I'm thinking that most of us know what safe words are. But just to be on the safe side, it's the word that you give when you want to alert your partner that you are uncomfortable or they are going too far. Well a sex code is similar but different. To me, the best way to break it down is to take us all the way back to beeper days. Although I never had one, some of my friends did. I remember that if they had a boo, sometimes they would have codes for each other. There was a code for "I love you", "I miss you" and well, other stuff.

Yeah, that's the best way to explain a sex code. It's a set of numbers, letters or combination of both that you and your sex partner can use to send a cryptic message that you wanna hook up, that there are certain things you'd like to try (or try again), or that there is a place where you want to do these things. For instance, if there is a particular hotel that you both enjoy, the code could be the number in the street address or the number of the room that you always get. Once your brain gets used to seeing those codes, it will start to stimulate the rest of your body to get excited about what's to come. Try it. It works.

2. Bring in a Pair of Surgical Gloves

What in the world do you need a pair of surgical gloves for? Word on the street is if you fill one of the gloves with lubrication and then you place the glove over your man's penis shaft and stroke it, that can provide a sensation similar to what the inside of your vagina feels like. And why do this over simply having intercourse?

This tip isn't meant to be a substitute (because there is no substitute for yonis); it's simply a fun foreplay tool. Plus, since our hands can provide a different kind of pressure than our vaginas can, it's the kind of massage that your partner will probably really appreciate (especially if you warm the lubrication up a bit before you start).

As far as where to get a pair of these gloves, Amazon sells a pack of 100 for under ten bucks here.

3. Massage Some Unpredictable Spots


Speaking of massages, I don't know too many people who will turn down a free massage; especially if it's a sensual one that's coming from their partner. But the reason why massaging makes this sex technique list is this—the key to giving a really good one is to hit some spots that are somewhat overlooked. For instance, use your tongue to graze over parts of your partner's body where their skin is not as thick like their wrists or behind their ears. To release pent up tension, rub on his shoulder blades, behind his knees and especially his temples. When you're ready to get him sexually stimulated, never underestimate the power of touching his feet, including his toes. Reflexology experts can vouch for the fact that gently rubbing on the top of someone's feet helps to boost their libido, while massaging the outside of their big toe can trigger the production of estrogen and testosterone. Another tip is if you rub on their ankles, that can actually intensify orgasms and ejaculation. If both of you are down to touch these spots, it can trigger y'all in some of the best ways possible.

4. Do the 4-7-8 Breathing Technique

Ask any sex expert—or anyone who has great sex on a regular basis—what is needed to not only climax but feel more connected with your partner and one of the things that is going to top their list is paying attention to your breathing. Learning how to deep breathe with your partner will calm you down, put you more at ease, and eventually make orgasms a whole lot more intense.

As far as breathing techniques go, one that you should definitely try is the "4-7-8" one. What you do is sit in front of your partner (preferably naked). Next, dab a little bit of lavender or jasmine oil right underneath your nose; lavender is a soother and jasmine is an aphrodisiac. Then, both of you should exhale out of your mouths and close them. Then inhale through your noses for a count of four, hold for a count of seven and exhale through your mouths for a count of eight. If you do this 3-4 times, it will help to center you so that you are totally relaxed; it will also build up anticipation for whatever is coming next.

5. Use Some Oral Sex Condiments


Sometimes I'll sit on a counseling session with a couple where one of the spouses will say that, no matter how much they try and get into oral sex, they can never manage to get past the taste or texture of their partner. For those of us who can't relate, we might think that this is petty or even juvenile, but to a certain extent, I see where they are coming from. For some, bodily fluids are an acquired taste. Still, that doesn't mean that there aren't "work arounds" to make it easier to, well, digest.

One thing that you can try is to bring some oral sex condiments into the mix. Just like ketchup or mustard can make a hot dog taste better, honey, maple syrup, chocolate sauce, whipped cream or a combo of cinnamon oil and sweet almond oil can make fellatio and/or cunnilingus a more delicious experience too. Just make sure to put a couple of towels down (to protect your bedding) and have some warm cloths on tap (for afterwards). That will make clean up and/or sex entry a lot easier once you are done.

6. Try the Kivin Method

Speaking of oral sex, the next time your man is about to go down on you, ask him to try the Kivin method.

Don't worry, it's nothing complicated. It simply means that instead of him licking up and down on your clitoris (and vulva overall, really), he needs to move his tongue from side-to-side instead. Since this isn't a technique that is applied a lot, it will stimulate some of the nerves in your clitoris (and vulva) that oftentimes go ignored.

And since there are 8,000 of those bad boys in your clit alone, imagine how amazing you'll feel when some of those dormant once have been awakened. (This makes me think of Luke James reading thirst tweets recently. Something tells me that he knows all about this, girl.)

7. Keep Your Legs Closed


Most of us have heard somewhere that 75 percent of women aren't able to achieve an orgasm from intercourse alone. To that, I say, close your legs. What in the world am I talking about? I'm not the least bit hesitant to share that I used to have some of my best orgasms when my legs were closed. Like when a partner was penetrating me with his legs on the outside of mine, for example. The reason why this works is because with my legs closed, that gives him a greater opportunity to stimulate my clitoris and vagina simultaneously. I've even heard some women say that oral sex orgasms are better when their legs are down, straight and closer together as opposed to hiked up in the air. It might sound crazy but hey—don't knock it until you've tried it. Sometimes, the best sex happens when your legs aren't opened but closed.

8. Play Around with “Putting on the Sock”

You might've heard somewhere that you've got a greater chance of having an orgasm if you've got a pair of socks on. The theory is it works because when your feet are warm, blood flow increases and that can make it easier to climax. That's not what I mean when I recommend "putting on the sock", though. This is actually a Kama Sutra term that refers to your partner first stroking your vagina with his fingers and then with the tip of his penis before actually penetrating you. What it does is give you more time to become naturally lubricated as it heightens his arousal in the process. What it all has to do with socks, you've got me there but back in my sexin' days, I was doing this quite a bit and whew chile, it works. So yeah, I'll all for putting some socks on.

9. “Stir” His Penis


I'm hoping that this particular tip is more of a reminder than anything else. Whether your partner is well-endowed or you simply want to use his penis to find your G-spot, control his thrusts a little more by asking him to be still so that you can use your own pelvis to "stir his penis" around. He'll appreciate getting a bit of a break and you'll enjoy how you can navigate his shaft towards the parts of your vulva and vagina that stimulate you the absolute most.

10. Get into the Blossoming Flower Position

I know—it really does seem like there are a billion-and-one sex positions out here, doesn't it? But this actually isn't all that complicated, I promise. The long short of it is, next time you are in a position where your partner is on top of you and you've got a pillow underneath for extra support, right when you're at the point where you think that his thrusts can't go any deeper into you, pull back and then pull him in just a bit more. Go slow at first, then build up to a mutual rhythm. It will "hit some spots" that you probably didn't know were there and intensify your orgasms in the process.

11. Keep Your Clothes On. Kinda.


One time, while talking to a husband about what he wished he was able to experience more with his wife, what he shared was interesting—pretty simple too. "I wish my wife would let me undress her more. That way, I can decide what parts of her clothes I want to leave on and what parts I want to take off." I did some unofficial polling and discovered that a lot of men can relate to the line in Beyoncé's "Drunk in Love" when her hubby Jay Z says, "Foreplay in the foyer, fucked up my Warhol/Slip the panties right to the side/Ain't got the time to take drawers off, on sight".

When I asked the guys why this was such a turn-on, they said that between the urgency of wanting their partner so bad that there is no time to totally disrobe to enjoying the peek-a-boos of breasts spilling out of bras or panties being pulled over to the side so that sex can be had in atypical places—little moves like this can make sex feel like a new adventure, even if you've been with your partner countless times. Duly noted.

12. Play ‘Never Have I Ever’ (Do What You’ve Nevered)

Soon I'm going to pen a piece on how, just like the weather has seasons, so do married couples when it comes to their sex life. Well, whenever "fall" or "winter" roll around, something that I sometimes recommend that they do is to put their own twist on the Never Have I Ever game. The key is to listen to what neither of you have never tried before on the sexual tip and then attempt it with each other—or at least some variation of it.

I won't lie. In order to play this, you need to be secure in the fact that your partner probably has a past, and this game may enlighten you to some things that you didn't know about it before. But if the main focus is less ego and more pleasure, you'll be far more interested in learning more about your partner and figuring out ways to be their "first" when it comes to what they've never done and what they are open to finally trying—with you. Have fun. #winkwink

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:

How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time

10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm

Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream

6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees

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Last year, Meagan Good experienced two major transformations in her life. She returned to the small screen starring in the Amazon Prime series Harlem, which has been renewed for a second season and she announced her divorce from her longtime partner DeVon Franklin.

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You may not know her by Elisabeth Ovesen – writer and host of the love, sex and relationships advice podcast Asking for a Friend. But you definitely know her other alter ego, Karrine Steffans, the New York Times best-selling author who lit up the literary and entertainment world when she released what she called a “tell some” memoir, Confessions of a Video Vixen.

Her 2005 barn-burning book gave an inside look at the seemingly glamorous world of being a video vixen in the ‘90s and early 2000s, and exposed the industry’s culture of abuse, intimidation, and misogyny years before the Me Too Movement hit the mainstream. Her follow-up books, The Vixen Diaries (2007) and The Vixen Manual: How To Find, Seduce And Keep The Man You Want (2009) all topped the New York Times best-seller list. After a long social media break, she's back. xoNecole caught up with Ovesen about the impact of her groundbreaking book, what life is like for her now, and why she was never “before her time”– everyone else was just late to the revolution.

xoNecole: Tell me about your new podcast Asking for a Friend with Elisabeth Ovesen and how that came about.

Elisabeth Ovesen: I have a friend who is over [at Blavity] and he just asked me if I wanted to do something with him. And that's just kinda how it happened. It wasn't like some big master plan. Somebody over there was like, “Hey, we need content. We want to do this podcast. Can you do it?” And I was like, “Sure.” And that's that. That was around the holidays and so we started working on it.

xoNecole: Your life and work seem incredibly different from when you first broke out on the scene. Can you talk a bit about the change in your career and how your life is now?

EO: Not that different. I mean my life is very different, of course, but my work isn't really that different. My life is different, of course, because I'm 43. My career started when I was in my 20s, so we're looking at almost 20 years since the beginning of my career. So, naturally life has changed a lot since then.

I don’t think my career has changed a whole lot – not as far as my writing is concerned, and my stream of consciousness with my writing, and my concerns and the subject matter hasn’t changed much. I've always written about interpersonal relationships, sexual shame, male ego fragility, respectability politics – things like that. I always put myself in the center of that to make those points, which I think were greatly missed when I first started writing. I think that society has changed quite a bit. People are more aware. People tell me a lot that I have always been “before my time.” I was writing about things before other people were talking about that; I was concerned about things before my generation seemed to be concerned about things. I wasn't “before my time.” I think it just seems that way to people who are late to the revolution, you know what I mean?

I retired from publishing in 2015, which was always the plan to do 10 years and retire. I was retired from my pen name and just from the business in general in 2015, I could focus on my business, my education and other things, my family. I came back to writing in 2020 over at Medium. The same friend that got me into the podcast, actually as the vice president of content over at Medium and was like, “Hey, we need some content.” I guess I’m his go-to content creator.

xoNecole: Can you expound on why you went back to your birth name versus your stage name?

EO: No, it was nothing to expound upon. I mean, writers have pen names. That’s like asking Diddy, why did he go by Sean? I didn't go back. I've always used that. Nobody was paying attention. I've never not been myself. Karrine Steffans wrote a certain kind of book for a certain kind of audience. She was invented for the urban audience, particularly. She was never meant to live more than 10 years. I have other pen names as well. I write under several names. So, the other ones are just nobody's business right now. Different pen names write different things. And Elisabeth isn’t my real name either. So you'll never know who I really am and you’ll never know what my real name is, because part of being a writer is, for me at least, keeping some sort of anonymity. Anything I do in entertainment is going to amass quite a bit because who I am as a person in my private life isn't the same a lot of times as who I am publicly.

xoNecole: I want to go back to when you published Confessions of a Video Vixen. We are now in this time where people are reevaluating how the media mistreated women in the spotlight in the 2000s, namely women like Britney Spears. So I’d be interested to hear how you feel about that period of your life and how you were treated by the media?

EO: What I said earlier. I think that much of society has evolved quite a bit. When you look back at that time, it was actually shocking how old-fashioned the thinking still was. How women were still treated and how they're still treated now. I mean, it hasn't changed completely. I think that especially for the audience, I think it was shocking for them to see a woman – a woman of color – not be sexually ashamed.

I hate being like other people. I don't want to do what anyone else is doing. I can't conform. I will not conform. I think in 2005 when Confessions was published, that attitude, especially about sex, was very upsetting. Number one, it was upsetting to the men, especially within urban and hip-hop culture, which is built on misogyny and thrives off of it to this day. And the women who protect these men, I think, you know, addressing a demographic that is rooted in trauma that is rooted in sexual shame, trauma, slavery of all kinds, including slavery of the mind – I think it triggered a lot of people to see a Black woman be free in this way.

I think it said a lot about the people who were upset by it. And then there were some in “crossover media,” a lot of white folks were upset too, not gonna lie. But to see it from Black women – Tyra Banks was really upset [when she interviewed me about Confessions in 2005]. Oprah wasn't mad [when she interviewed me]. As long as Oprah wasn’t mad, I was good. I didn't care what anybody else had to say. Oprah was amazing. So, watching Black women defend men, and Black women who had a platform, defend the sexual blackmailing of men: “If you don't do this with me, you won't get this job”; “If you don't do this in my trailer, you're going to have to leave the set”– these are things that I dealt with.

I just happened to be the kind of woman who, because I was a single mother raising my child all by myself and never got any help at all – which I still don't. Like, I'm 24 in college – not a cheap college either – one of the best colleges in the country, and I'm still taking care of him all by myself as a 21-year-old, 20-year-old, young, single mother with no family and no support – I wasn’t about to say no to something that could help me feed my son for a month or two or three.

xoNecole: We are in this post-Me Too climate where women in Hollywood have come forward to talk about the powerful men who have abused them. In the music industry in particular, it seems nearly impossible for any substantive change or movement to take place within music. It's only now after three decades of allegations that R. Kelly has finally been convicted and other men like Russell Simmons continue to roam free despite the multiple allegations against him. Why do you think it's hard for the music industry to face its reckoning?

EO: That's not the music industry, that's urban music. That’s just Black folks who make music and nobody cares about that. That's the thing; nobody cares...Nobody cares. It's not the music industry. It's just an "urban" thing. And when I say "urban," I say that in quotations. Literally, it’s a Black thing, where nobody gives a shit what Black people do to Black people. And Russell didn't go on unchecked, he just had enough money to keep it quiet. But you know, anytime you're dealing with Black women being disrespected, especially by Black men, nobody gives a shit.

And Black people don't police themselves so it doesn't matter. Why should anybody care? And Black women don't care. They'll buy an R. Kelly album right now. They’ll stream that shit right now. They don’t care. So, nobody cares. Nobody cares. And if you're not going to police yourself, then nobody's ever going to care.

xoNecole: Do you have any regrets about anything you wrote or perhaps something you may have omitted?

EO: Absolutely not. No. There's nothing that I wish I would've gone back and said to myself, no. I don’t think at 20-something years old, I'm supposed to understand every little thing. I don't think the 20-something-year-old woman is supposed to understand the world and know exactly what she's doing. I think that one of my biggest regrets, which isn't my regret, but a regret, is that I didn't have better parents. Because a 20-something only knows what she knows based on what she’s seen and what she’s been taught and what she’s told. I had shitty parents and a horrible family. Just terrible. These people had no business having children. None of them. And a lot of our families are like that. And we may pass down those familial curses.

*This interview has been edited and condensed

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Feature image courtesy of Elisabeth Ovesen

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