6 Genuine Signs You're Making An Emotional Connection With Your Sex Partner
I've shared before that back in my sexually active days, a pattern that I had was having sex with my friends. While some friends were closer than others and some of the "others" turned into more serious relationships, I don't personally know what it's like to have sex with a stranger or even someone I don't know well. However, I definitely do know people who prefer the opposite of everything that I just said. Casual sex is their preference, for a myriad of reasons. All of us have our own paths. Indeed.
One of my "casual sex homies" has recently found themselves feeling some type of way about their current partner. At first, they thought it was just that the sex was really good. A few months in, though, and they are starting to sense that it could be about a lot more than that.
More Than Sex: 6 Signs You Have an Emotional Connection During Sex
So, in honor of them — gasp! — cultivating an emotional connection, I thought I would share a few genuine signs that you're making a genuine emotional connection with your sex partner and a few reasons why I think that is indeed the case.
1. Missionary Happens. Often.
You know what's interesting? Back when I was in my 20s, I heard a lot of people frown on the missionary position. They called it things like "boring", "bland" and "old-fashioned". Meanwhile, folks who are in their mid-30s and up and/or are in a serious relationship, tend to be quite fond of it. Rave reviews like "you can maintain eye contact that way", "you're able to feel really close to your partner" and "it's super intimate" are what I hear, more than a little bit.
I think a part of the reason is that, when you're at a point and place where you want to have sex for more than "get off" reasons, you're not necessarily looking for a position that will help you to climax the fastest; it's more about discovering ways where you and your partner can really get close, "melt into one another"…bond.
Listen, I started being sexually active in college. There's a lot of raging hormones at that time and sex is definitely more about curiosity and getting your rocks off more than cultivating anything that would fall under the category of special or highly significant. That said, if you've got someone who is always trying to put you in doggy style and frowns upon missionary (or some variation of it), ask them why. While I'll be the first to say that all positions have their benefits, remember, we're talking about emotional connections here and since the eyes are indeed the window to the soul, wouldn't it make sense that the two of you would look at each other, at least a little bit, during the act?
2. Sex Isn’t Taken So Seriously
I remember once reading that some of the benefits that come from having a sense of humor and laughing a lot are they both help to decrease stress while also boosting immunity, improving one's moods, decreasing pain, and — get this — stimulating organs. That last one happens because, when you laugh, you get more oxygen into your system; this, in turn, causes your brain to release endorphins which can bring pleasure and help to calm you down as well.
If the relationship is new and/or you're just having sex for the first time, it makes sense that you may feel some tension or anxiety. However, once you've been with someone for a while, there's no need for sex to feel like a performance where you'll be judged or that you have to be somber all of the time. Sex should be about having a lot of fun and that includes being able to laugh with each other. Whether it's during foreplay, the act, or afterplay, if the two of you can joke around and not take things so seriously, that's another pretty good indication that you're in a great place — emotionally.
3. Communication (Not Just Dirty Talk) Happens During the Act
Something that someone said to me, not too long ago, is they feel the most powerful style of communication is sex. Personally, I really dig that perspective because one definition of communicate is "to impart thoughts" while another is "something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted". One of the main reasons why I encourage married couples to have sex, as much as possible really (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important" and "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"), is because, physically, it's the closest that you can get to someone else. And as women, when someone is literally inside of us, it can cause us to let our guard down and open up the door to share in a way that we might not in any other setting.
When this transpires, some dirty talk may be involved yet so does simply expressing feelings, needs and desires overall. I mean, think about it — when the sex is really good, how easy is it for an "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" to come out? And when that does, doesn't it help to solidify the bond that you and your partner already have? The way that relationships grow is through a healthy form of communication. Sex is not only one way to cultivate communication, it can significantly strengthen it too.
4. “Nakedness” Transpires in a Myriad of Ways
I know. It's a given that nakedness and sex go hand in hand. What I'm speaking of here is being naked from the angle of removing all sorts of layers and walls. See, when sex is just good on a physical level, you and your partner can give each other orgasms, walk away and not know very much about each other at all (happens all of the time out here). When there is an emotional connection, though, you feel at ease talking about childhood memories, family issues, past heartbreaks — things that reveal you to another person in a very powerful kind of way.
In certain translations of the Bible, one way that sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is described is by using the word "know". Matter of fact, the first documented married couple (Adam and Eve) were instructed to be "naked and not ashamed" with one another (Genesis 2:24-25). Every time I think about both of these points, it reminds me that an emotional connection in sex means that two people are sharing themselves in a very profound way. They are coming to know each other in a way that very few will be able to speak of when it comes to them. And y'all, that is pretty powerful, if you ask me.
5. Pleasing Each Other Is the Main Goal
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about R&B artist Miguel. More specifically, how fascinating it is that so many women find him sexy when songs like "Quickie" and "How Many Drinks?" low-key send the message that sex with him is gonna be quick, that he doesn't think you are worth wooing and your pleasure isn't exactly his top priority. While I'm mostly speaking in jest, let's not act like art isn't imitating life in a lot of bedrooms. Meaning, there are definitely men (and women, if we're going to be fair) who really couldn't care less if their partner is feeling fully satisfied; so long as they are getting what they want/need, at the end of the day, that's all that truly matters to them.
This is 1000 percent not the case when an emotional connection is involved. That's because, when two people care about each other, they want to bring their partner pleasure, joy, and satisfaction. On the sexual tip, sex isn't even all that gratifying unless their partner is fully pleased. I say it often in my sessions with married folks — when both people get off more on pleasing the other person, it's pretty difficult to only have ho-hum sex. Emotionally connected couples know this. That's why, when it comes to "meh" coitus, they rarely can relate.
6. Intimacy Is Also Being Cultivated Outside of the Bedroom
Honestly, I can't even remember which forum it was (Reddit, Quora, etc.) that I pulled the following two quotes from. What I do know is I appreciated both of them so much that I made sure to jot them down and give each guy their proper credit. The context was can you get tired of having sex with this same individual. This is what they said:
"Do not think of it as 'I am having sex with this woman.' Think of it as 'We are having sex together.' Think of your partner as your equal. Both of you are doing this, and both of you are working so that both of you can enjoy it." (Miguel Valdespino)
"Whether you ever get tired of sex with someone is a choice. It's a choice you might not know you're making, but it's still a choice. If you choose to allow sex to become a boring routine, then sex will become boring and routine. If, on the other hand, you choose to be experimental, to explore new things (even if they might sound 'weird' to you), if you try new ideas, if you talk about your fantasies, then there is so much territory to discover that sex with one person for a thousand years doesn't have to be boring." (Franklin Veaux)
That is some grown man stuff right here and I salute it. Anyway, I thought this would be a good place to bring all of this to a close because, clearly, the reason why these men could speak with this level of awareness and maturity is that their emotions have been involved with a partner before; they know what true intimacy is all about.
Intimacy. When the person you're having sex with is interested in spending time with you, hanging out with you, learning more about you outside of your boudoir — when they are content just being in your space because they dig so much more than what's between your legs, this also shows signs of an emotional connection being established.
You know what this means, right? If there is a ton of sex and not much else and you want more, scale back a bit and see if he's just as interested in being around you with your clothes on. If there's something bigger than climaxing going on, he will call, plan dates, and initiate non-sexual time. If there's not, at the very least, guard your heart. As you've just seen, great sex is not automatically a sign of anything deeper. For there to be a genuine emotional connection, thoughts and feelings must be mutually shared…too.
Featured image by Getty Images
- Soul Ties Are A Thing: Is Your Sexual Past "Haunting" You ... ›
- Your Sex Life: Mars Signs & Sex, Meaning - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- The Signs Of A Truly Intimate Relationship - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- How To Ask For What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Ways To Establish A Mental Connection Long Before You Enter The Bedroom - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images