I've shared before that back in my sexually active days, a pattern that I had was having sex with my friends. While some friends were closer than others and some of the "others" turned into more serious relationships, I don't personally know what it's like to have sex with a stranger or even someone I don't know well. However, I definitely do know people who prefer the opposite of everything that I just said. Casual sex is their preference, for a myriad of reasons. All of us have our own paths. Indeed.
One of my "casual sex homies" has recently found themselves feeling some type of way about their current partner. At first, they thought it was just that the sex was really good. A few months in, though, and they are starting to sense that it could be about a lot more than that.
More Than Sex: 6 Signs You Have an Emotional Connection During Sex
So, in honor of them — gasp! — cultivating an emotional connection, I thought I would share a few genuine signs that you're making a genuine emotional connection with your sex partner and a few reasons why I think that is indeed the case.
1. Missionary Happens. Often.
You know what's interesting? Back when I was in my 20s, I heard a lot of people frown on the missionary position. They called it things like "boring", "bland" and "old-fashioned". Meanwhile, folks who are in their mid-30s and up and/or are in a serious relationship, tend to be quite fond of it. Rave reviews like "you can maintain eye contact that way", "you're able to feel really close to your partner" and "it's super intimate" are what I hear, more than a little bit.
I think a part of the reason is that, when you're at a point and place where you want to have sex for more than "get off" reasons, you're not necessarily looking for a position that will help you to climax the fastest; it's more about discovering ways where you and your partner can really get close, "melt into one another"…bond.
Listen, I started being sexually active in college. There's a lot of raging hormones at that time and sex is definitely more about curiosity and getting your rocks off more than cultivating anything that would fall under the category of special or highly significant. That said, if you've got someone who is always trying to put you in doggy style and frowns upon missionary (or some variation of it), ask them why. While I'll be the first to say that all positions have their benefits, remember, we're talking about emotional connections here and since the eyes are indeed the window to the soul, wouldn't it make sense that the two of you would look at each other, at least a little bit, during the act?
2. Sex Isn’t Taken So Seriously
I remember once reading that some of the benefits that come from having a sense of humor and laughing a lot are they both help to decrease stress while also boosting immunity, improving one's moods, decreasing pain, and — get this — stimulating organs. That last one happens because, when you laugh, you get more oxygen into your system; this, in turn, causes your brain to release endorphins which can bring pleasure and help to calm you down as well.
If the relationship is new and/or you're just having sex for the first time, it makes sense that you may feel some tension or anxiety. However, once you've been with someone for a while, there's no need for sex to feel like a performance where you'll be judged or that you have to be somber all of the time. Sex should be about having a lot of fun and that includes being able to laugh with each other. Whether it's during foreplay, the act, or afterplay, if the two of you can joke around and not take things so seriously, that's another pretty good indication that you're in a great place — emotionally.
3. Communication (Not Just Dirty Talk) Happens During the Act
Something that someone said to me, not too long ago, is they feel the most powerful style of communication is sex. Personally, I really dig that perspective because one definition of communicate is "to impart thoughts" while another is "something imparted, interchanged, or transmitted". One of the main reasons why I encourage married couples to have sex, as much as possible really (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important" and "8 'Kinds Of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation"), is because, physically, it's the closest that you can get to someone else. And as women, when someone is literally inside of us, it can cause us to let our guard down and open up the door to share in a way that we might not in any other setting.
When this transpires, some dirty talk may be involved yet so does simply expressing feelings, needs and desires overall. I mean, think about it — when the sex is really good, how easy is it for an "I love you" or "You mean so much to me" to come out? And when that does, doesn't it help to solidify the bond that you and your partner already have? The way that relationships grow is through a healthy form of communication. Sex is not only one way to cultivate communication, it can significantly strengthen it too.
4. “Nakedness” Transpires in a Myriad of Ways
I know. It's a given that nakedness and sex go hand in hand. What I'm speaking of here is being naked from the angle of removing all sorts of layers and walls. See, when sex is just good on a physical level, you and your partner can give each other orgasms, walk away and not know very much about each other at all (happens all of the time out here). When there is an emotional connection, though, you feel at ease talking about childhood memories, family issues, past heartbreaks — things that reveal you to another person in a very powerful kind of way.
In certain translations of the Bible, one way that sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is described is by using the word "know". Matter of fact, the first documented married couple (Adam and Eve) were instructed to be "naked and not ashamed" with one another (Genesis 2:24-25). Every time I think about both of these points, it reminds me that an emotional connection in sex means that two people are sharing themselves in a very profound way. They are coming to know each other in a way that very few will be able to speak of when it comes to them. And y'all, that is pretty powerful, if you ask me.
5. Pleasing Each Other Is the Main Goal
Not too long ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about R&B artist Miguel. More specifically, how fascinating it is that so many women find him sexy when songs like "Quickie" and "How Many Drinks?" low-key send the message that sex with him is gonna be quick, that he doesn't think you are worth wooing and your pleasure isn't exactly his top priority. While I'm mostly speaking in jest, let's not act like art isn't imitating life in a lot of bedrooms. Meaning, there are definitely men (and women, if we're going to be fair) who really couldn't care less if their partner is feeling fully satisfied; so long as they are getting what they want/need, at the end of the day, that's all that truly matters to them.
This is 1000 percent not the case when an emotional connection is involved. That's because, when two people care about each other, they want to bring their partner pleasure, joy, and satisfaction. On the sexual tip, sex isn't even all that gratifying unless their partner is fully pleased. I say it often in my sessions with married folks — when both people get off more on pleasing the other person, it's pretty difficult to only have ho-hum sex. Emotionally connected couples know this. That's why, when it comes to "meh" coitus, they rarely can relate.
6. Intimacy Is Also Being Cultivated Outside of the Bedroom
Honestly, I can't even remember which forum it was (Reddit, Quora, etc.) that I pulled the following two quotes from. What I do know is I appreciated both of them so much that I made sure to jot them down and give each guy their proper credit. The context was can you get tired of having sex with this same individual. This is what they said:
"Do not think of it as 'I am having sex with this woman.' Think of it as 'We are having sex together.' Think of your partner as your equal. Both of you are doing this, and both of you are working so that both of you can enjoy it." (Miguel Valdespino)
"Whether you ever get tired of sex with someone is a choice. It's a choice you might not know you're making, but it's still a choice. If you choose to allow sex to become a boring routine, then sex will become boring and routine. If, on the other hand, you choose to be experimental, to explore new things (even if they might sound 'weird' to you), if you try new ideas, if you talk about your fantasies, then there is so much territory to discover that sex with one person for a thousand years doesn't have to be boring." (Franklin Veaux)
That is some grown man stuff right here and I salute it. Anyway, I thought this would be a good place to bring all of this to a close because, clearly, the reason why these men could speak with this level of awareness and maturity is that their emotions have been involved with a partner before; they know what true intimacy is all about.
Intimacy. When the person you're having sex with is interested in spending time with you, hanging out with you, learning more about you outside of your boudoir — when they are content just being in your space because they dig so much more than what's between your legs, this also shows signs of an emotional connection being established.
You know what this means, right? If there is a ton of sex and not much else and you want more, scale back a bit and see if he's just as interested in being around you with your clothes on. If there's something bigger than climaxing going on, he will call, plan dates, and initiate non-sexual time. If there's not, at the very least, guard your heart. As you've just seen, great sex is not automatically a sign of anything deeper. For there to be a genuine emotional connection, thoughts and feelings must be mutually shared…too.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
We have less than 40 days left in 2024, and while I'm not one to rush goals just because it's the end of the year, it can be fun to challenge yourself to think about ways you'll close out this year big.
Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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The List Of Golden Globes Awards Nominees Has Dropped: Who's Nominated & Who Got Snubbed
The Golden Globes started the week off with a bang announcing the 2025 nominees and per usual we are rooting for everybody Black.
The film Emilia Pérez, featuring Zoe Saldaña, leads the Golden Globe nominations with 10 nominations, while The Brutalist has seven. For television, The Bear received the most nominations with five, followed by Only Murders in the Building and Shōgunwith four each. Before we celebrate our people, we must also acknowledge the snubs.
The Golden Globes, and other award organizations, have faced criticism for overlooking Black-led films, particularly after it was revealed in 2021 that the voting body lacked Black representation.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, despite recent efforts to diversify, has faced criticism for overlooking acclaimed performances by Black actresses. This year, Marianne Jean-Baptiste and Danielle Deadwyler were notably absent from the nominees, despite their award-winning roles in Hard Truths and The Piano Lesson, respectively. Danielle's omission marks the second time she has been snubbed by the Globes for a critically acclaimed performance.
Give our girl her things — she more than deserves them!
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
According to the Golden Globes, “In 2023, UCLA highlighted that Black actors make up 14.8% and 16.2% of all theatrical and streaming roles. However, we’ve seen many success stories that have inspired multiple generations. Black people in the entertainment industry have seen great strides in advancement in the creative arts that have helped evolve our everyday reality.”
And like my therapist always reminds me: two things can be true at once. Yes, Black thespians are represented more in the entertainment industry AND we still have lots of work to do as we fully live out the dreams of our ancestors.
The 82nd ceremony will be broadcast on January 5 on CBS and Paramount+. Find the full list of Black nominees below, including the category for which they are nominated:
Film
- Cynthia Erivo (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Wicked
- Zendaya (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Challengers
- Colman Domingo (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama) for his role in Sing Sing
- Denzel Washington (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role) for his role in Gladiator II
- Zoe Saldaña (Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture) for her role in Emilia Pérez
- Kris Bowers (Best Original Score) for the film The Wild Robot
Television
- Donald Glover (Best Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Series) for his role inMr. and Mrs. Smith
- Quinta Brunson (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy) for her role in Abbott Elementary
- Ayo Edebiri (Best Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Series – Musical or Comedy) for her role in The Bear
- Jamie Foxx (Best Performance in Stand-Up Comedy on Television) for Jamie Foxx: What Had Happened Was
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