I am a sex-positive Black woman. People often tell me they wish they could be like me. They love how open and unapologetic I am about my sexuality. It wasn’t always this way. Like many of you, I was raised to believe that sex was something we had but never talked about. Due to the complex and unique history of sexual oppression that Black women have faced, expressing our sexual desires out loud is not something we typically do.
However, my outlook on how I viewed my sexuality changed about a decade ago after I became acquainted with the sex positivity movement. The sex-positivity movement has been around since the 1960s, however, it has largely been led by white women. Sex positivity promotes consensual, safer sex and the expression of human sexuality as a whole. Rather than liberating what's between your legs, sex positivity embraces pleasure, erotic energy, and sisterhood.
Thanks to anthems like “WAP,” being a sex-positive expressive Black woman is becoming more commonplace. As Black women become more liberated, they are challenging shame-infested ideologies and redefining their relationships. Black women deserve great sex and being open about our bodies, sharing our feelings, and expressing our desires are the best ways to make sure we are getting just that; great sex!
If you want to know if you are a sexually expressive woman, here are some traits you should look for.
1.She listens to what her body needs.
The Weekend Dance GIF by SZAGiphyA sexually expressive woman is in tune with her body's needs. If she wants to have sex, she has it. If she wants to go down on her partner, she does. If she doesn’t, she won’t. She is aware of what her body desires and wants during her sacred time and is unapologetic about following its lead.
2.She talks about sex out loud.
Sex still carries a lot of shame for most people. A sexually expressive woman can talk about sex with her friends or with strangers in a way that is welcoming and nonjudgmental. Whether it’s discussing threesomes, blowjobs or her favorite sex position, a sexually expressive woman knows that talking about sex removes the taboos around it. She also knows that the more she talks about sex, the better her sex life will be.
3.She asks for what she wants.
There is so much power in being able to tell your partner exactly what you want in and out of the bedroom. A sexually expressive woman likes to check in with her partner regularly to let them know what she likes or doesn't like and what needs to be changed. She also isn’t afraid to tell them what new things she’d like to try. Sexually expressive women know that the responsibility for their pleasure is their own.
4.She is vocal during sex.
Sexually expressive women are very vocal in the bedroom. They may scream, cry, moan, growl, or laugh. They know that sound is freeing and a part of expressing their pleasure. Sounds are a way to express energy and manifestations (but that’s another article). Sexually expressive women are unattached to the sounds and are more concerned with how their body feels rather than the sound they make.
5.She recognizes consent is important.
Womens Rights No GIF by MicGiphySexually expressive women understand that consent is sexy in every part of intimacy. Their partner has the right to not engage in their desires. They respect their partner's boundaries as they want their boundaries respected in return.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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