How Beyoncé’s Sexually Liberated “Church Girl” Helped Me Confront Religious Trauma
Like a true Beyoncé stan, when Renaissancedropped, I listened promptly at 12 a.m. with the rest of Twitter. The 16-track album was released just over a month after the debut of its only single “Break My Soul” and, based on my adoration for that song, I knew the album was one that I was guaranteed to dance to–even if alone in my living room. The song that directly follows “Break My Soul” on the house-inspired album is none other than the transformative track “Church Girl.”
When I first read the name of the track, I was fully prepared to hear a ballad featuring a religious reference or nod, but what I was not prepared for was hearing a sample from none other than gospel legends, The Clark Sisters. In “Church Girl,” Beyoncé samples their song “Center Thy Will.” The song starts with a religious cry from the original lyrics, “Lord, place me, Lord, place me. I want to be centered in thy will” before a beat drop that transforms the song into a certified twerk anthem that makes it impossible to sit still.
Beyoncé continues the song with lyrics that speak to life’s trials and tribulations, “I’ve been up, I’ve been down. Feel like I moved mountains, got friends that cried mountains” before heading into a sexually liberated and fierce chorus, “I’ll drop it like a thotty, drop it like a thotty.” She then goes on to sing, “Church girls acting loose, bad girls acting snotty, let it go girl, let it out girl, twirl that ass like you came up out the south girl.” And if you’ve had the pleasure of experiencing the song, you’ll understand why, as a Certified Church Girl, I had no choice but to do just that throughout the duration of the track. I happily dropped it like a ‘thotty.’
I shook my ass as well as my pretty tig ol’ bitties to a Clark Sisters-sampled banger because Beyoncé told me to. And I’d happily do it again.
I grew up in a “church on Sunday, Wednesday, and Friday” home, so I know that church is a holy place of refuge for many, but I am also aware that it serves as a source of trauma for many as well. For people like myself who have experienced sexual trauma at the hands of the church, I am no stranger to the feeling of shame that is heavily perpetuated within church culture, especially when it comes to sexuality. As a teenager, I remember how small I would feel when I would come to church in clothing that I felt confident in only to be handed a sweater because the straps of my dress were “too thin.”
I remember our pastor receiving a chorus of “Amens!” and “Hallelujahs!” whenever he would casually preach about young women who are too focused on sleeping with young men (and the way he would conveniently never condemn the men who sleep with them.) I remember coming forward as a teenager against my abuser, a forty-five-year-old man within the church, and immediately being told by an elder that it was “okay” because God would forgive me, as if my existence was sinful.
I internalized the belief that I was somehow less of a woman for years because according to some people within the church, I was less of a woman.
My body became something that I was ashamed of. Back then, I always covered up because of the subconscious belief that my body was something that can only attract shame, rather than liberation. I always felt a sense of guilt for experiencing any sort of “worldly” pleasure. Today, I make a full and conscious effort to love on the parts of myself that I once believed were cursed. I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I in no way deserved the trauma that I endured.
However, with all forms of trauma, I’ve learned that progress is never linear. There are times when the effects of that trauma seem too heavy of a cross to bear, and those are the days that are difficult but I believe it is the acknowledgment of this and the determination to work through it that keeps me moving forward.
Beyonce’s “Church Girl” invited me to continue to unravel toxic beliefs around my body in a way that was fun, sexy and to be frank–pleasantly twerkable. Proudly proclaiming lyrics like, “I was born free,” Beyoncé fiercely combats the shame surrounding our bodies and sexuality, shame that is often promoted rather than denounced within the church. While I’m sure that there is an ongoing list of saved and sanctified folk that would condemn the song for being raunchy or blasphemous, for people with stories like mine, the song is a celebration of all the parts of myself that were once demonized.
As an adult, I no longer choose to spend my Sunday mornings in a service but if you ask me, I am still forever and always a Certified Church Girl. It’s the way I love breaking bread with a group of friends because church folk taught me that a shared meal is both a form of fellowship and a love language. It’s the way I believe a Christmas playlist is never complete unless Kirk Franklin’s “Jesus is the Reason for the Season” has made an appearance. And now, thanks to Beyoncé, it’s also the way I can let go of this body, and love on me because nobody can judge me–but me.
As much as I’d love for it to be true, I know that the solution to confronting religious trauma can’t be found in a three-minute and forty-four-second track. But Beyoncé’s invitation to divorce the bodily shame that so many of us church girls have internalized and know too well is one that I will always gladly accept.
After all, what is more godly than living without shame?
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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