How To Get More Of What You Need In The Bedroom
Sexual needs. Lawd, they are so real, y'all. This is something that I try and get through to the head of some of the clients that I work with — that when it comes to sexual activity, there are some things that each and every one of us deem to be necessary, an urgent want or something that's essential when it comes to experiencing true pleasure. And when those needs aren't met? Boy, that can lead to all kinds of sex-related issues including a disconnect between partners, less sexual frequency or even resentment over time.
Hopefully, you're getting all of your current sexual needs met. But if you happen to be someone who is out here feeling some type of way because you and your partner are not getting more of what you and/or they desire, I've got seven things that many people have told me they wish they received more of in the sex department, along with some insight on how to get these particular kinds of needs met.
Romance
Whenever I'm talking to married couples about what they wish they received more of, as far as bedroom action is concerned, it never fails that wives will usually say "romance" while husbands typically say "spontaneity". As far as what's behind Door #2 goes, I'll get more into that in a sec. For now, I'll touch on romance. Personally, I think it's so important when it comes to sexual activity that I wrote "What Does It Truly Mean When Someone's 'Romantic'?" and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience" for the site. One of the main things to keep in mind about romance is the fact that it needs to happen way before even stepping one foot into your boudoir. You know, I've been working with couples for many years now and I find it to be no surprise that a lot of people whose sex lives are ho-hum and subpar are also people who don't spend a lot of quality time together — going on dates (including sex dates), taking weekend road trips, going for walks after dinner, cooking together, dancing to their favorite R&B jams in the living room…you catch my drift.
If you wish you could get more scented soy candles on your nightstand and rose petals on your bed, start with getting together with your partner to plan some dates together, even if you've got to get super creative and have them at home (check out "10 Romantic Dates You Can Go On (In Your Own Home)"). The more thoughtful and attentive the two of you are outside of your bedroom, the easier it will be to act that way inside of it.
Spontaneity
I'm working with three couples right now where the husbands are pretty close to being pissed and shutting all the way down. Why? Well, when they were dating their wife, sex was random, fun and it happened all of the time. This was pretty much the case during the first year of their marriage as well. Yet as time has gone by, morning sex a few times a week has now become sex twice a month — and that's if they are lucky. Oh, but not right now. Now it's like their wives wanna screw like rabbits. Why? Because they are trying to conceive a child. Getting pregnant, each husband is fine with. What's got them triggered to high hell is the fact that if these women can muster up all of this sexual adrenaline to get pregnant, why can't they do that just to enjoy being with their partner?
These men have a point. Besides, sex shouldn't be treated as a "means to an end". When you're married, it first needs to be honored as a priority and staple in your relationship (because if there is one thing that should separate everyone else from you and your spouse, it's that you have sex with your husband), along with being a very intimate way to get closer to your partner — to bond with them on spiritual, emotional and physical level. And while there are times when life may require that you schedule it in order to make it happen, there still needs some spontaneity up in that mug too. Again, I didn't say it — most of the men I know, married and single, say it, on loop, all of the time.
And why is spontaneity such a big deal? It's impulsive. It's passionate. By definition, it doesn't require a ton of effort or premeditation. Some synonyms for the word include simple (dig that!), automatic, free-spirited, unavoidable, uncontrived, off-the-cuff, and inevitable (dig that one too!).
Being spontaneous is meeting your partner at the door, butt-ass naked. Being spontaneous is joining your partner in the shower while they are in it. Being spontaneous is sending random texts about all of the things on your sex bucket list that you want to check off over the next couple of weeks. Being spontaneous is walking into his office and engaging in some oral action, regardless of what he's doing. Being spontaneous is letting him know, out of the blue, that you want to make the kind of movie that only the two of you can watch together.
It's kind of crazy that if spontaneity is the main thing that you and/or yours are missing, it's important to talk about it first. However, if you remember the synonyms "simple" and "inevitable" while you're having the discussion of how to bring more into the sexual part of your relationship, it really can remind you both to come up with ways to make each other feel desirable…just because…with absolutely no agenda other than cultivating pure pleasure on a dime.
Seduction
Ah. The art of seduction. If anyone is bored when it comes to their sex life (check out "7 Signs You're In A 'Sex Rut' & How To Get Out Of It"), I'd venture to say that a lack of seducing and/or being seduced is playing a major role in it all. Shoot, I'll take it even further and say that some people aren't getting what they need in this area because it's been so long since it's happened that they have lost sight of what seduction even entails.
Flirting is an act of seduction. Dressing seductively on dates is an act of seduction. Wearing lingerie is an act of seduction. Extending foreplay (including mental foreplay; check out "Mental Foreplay Hacks That Ultimately Takes Intercourse To New Levels") is an act of seduction. Taking off each other's clothes, ever-so-slowly, before sex is an act of seduction. Bringing in sex condiments (check out "12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious") is an act of seduction. Doing anything with the intent of enticing your partner to lust you? That is what it means to seduce him.
Unlike spontaneity, seduction is something that is extremely premeditated. You've got to think about what kind of scent he adores on you and where he likes you to put it most (check out "8 Natural Aphrodisiac Scents, Where They Go & How To Make Them Last"). You've got to ponder whether you should go out with him with a lace thong or with no panties at all. You've got to really reflect on what kind of atmosphere to create that will make him want to climb the walls. That's the cool thing about seduction, though — the more thought you put into being the ultimate seductress, the more excited you will probably get about the day or night that lies ahead.
Affirmation
I am a words of affirmation kind of gal. I'm pretty sure that's a big part of the reason why I'm also such a fan of dirty talk — and indeed, like other sexual activities, it is a skill; it's not something that comes automatically or easily for everyone. OK, but I'm getting a little bit ahead of myself here. Let's first touch on why affirming your partner is such an important thing to do. While actions are definitely important, words are too. When you affirm someone, you're letting them know that you see them, that you value them and that you appreciate having them in your life. Affirming someone can help to boost their self-esteem, to make them feel closer to and safer around you and it can remind them of why you chose to be with them in the first place.
While it's not discussed, nearly enough, dirty talk can definitely be a form of verbally affirming your partner because when you're telling them what you're physically attracted to, what you enjoy about the act itself and what they can do to get you to get there — it's like participating in a sex-themed pep rally of sorts. Besides, the best kind of sex incorporates all five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste and hearing) and when you are telling your partner what you adore about them and what pleases you most about sex, in your absolutely sexiest voice, how can that not inspire them to give you more of what you need and want? Exactly.
Oral Action
There are a few people in my world who have pretty high sex drives and yet, at the same time, they aren't big on kissing (check out "Umm, What's Up With These People Who Hate Kissing?") and/or giving (or sometimes even receiving) oral sex ("Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?"). While I personally can't relate to either stance (chile), if you happen to be someone who falls into either category, something that can help in the oral sex department is flavored lubrication. Hey, I'm not playing. These days, there are all sorts of brands that taste so good that it can make going down or being gone down on a lot more pleasant if you or yours happen to be someone who is hesitant because it's just not something that you can wrap your head around (no pun).
Also, if you happen to be someone who is self-conscious about if you're doing it well or not, well, I'll put it to you this way — you're probably gonna lick an ice cream cone way better than an empty spoon. In other words, sweet skin is gonna make you way more enthusiastic and passionate than plain skin will. Feel me? Anyway, as far as letting-lube-lead-the-way goes, check out "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant". It's a little hack that really can make a huge difference. HUGE.
Pampering
Is it just me or does it seem like pampering and sex don't go hand in hand as much as they should? When I think of "treating with extreme care" in the context of coitus, to be honest with you, what comes to my mind is more afterplay (check out "Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The 'Afterplay'?") than anything else because, if we're gonna be real, it's a lot easier to want to act "excessively indulgent" towards your partner when you're trying to get some. Oh, but it's next level to do it after you've already "been to the mountaintop" and nothing sounds more appealing than a nap.
So, how can you and your partner sexually pamper one another after sex? A massage. Soaking in the tub together. Giving each other a handwritten note or card that you had prepared beforehand. Feeding each other aphrodisiacs like strawberries, chocolate, and watermelon. Surprising each other with "favorite thing" tokens.
Basically, by making sure that the "end" is just as sweet, special, and satisfying as the beginning, that can make each sexual experience that much more endearing and memorable. It can also make both of you really excited about being with one another again…very, very soon.
Pillow Talk
I've shared before that if you've got a man who happens to fall asleep right after sex, you really shouldn't get mad at him; that's how he was created. There is a biochemical called prolactin that's released when men ejaculate that typically results in them feeling drained and tired. Not much can be done about that. However, what I will say is a lot of the guys who I've discussed this with have told me that falling asleep is a lot easier to do when their partner decides that she now wants to talk about where the relationship is headed, what bill needs to be paid or what chore needs to be done around the house.
In other words, guys are already tapped out after sex and so, a boring or emotionally draining conversation definitely doesn't inspire them to want to keep their eyes open. So, if more pillow talk is what you're after, try and keep the topics light, crack jokes or ask if he's down to watch something fun on the tube. While there is a time and place for "deep" pillow talk, right after sex usually isn't one of them. However, if you relax and try and stay in the flow of the moment, many men are down to spoon and chat for a while. Hell, 5-7 minutes, at least. #wink
For more love and relationships, features, dating tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy