![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Is 'Closure Sex' Ever A Good Idea?](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMzM3NzI5My9vcmlnaW4uZ2lmIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc2OTM2MjUwMn0.3UJQbNwT1w2aTZgnLFH85biIYVTDdJhlDCpbOvEIKkE/img.gif?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=16%2C0%2C16%2C0)
Is 'Closure Sex' Ever A Good Idea?
If there's one thing that I make sure to share with my "love nieces" (nieces by love not through blood) and will someday share with my goddaughters (once they're old enough to grasp the concept), it's how much of a blessing it is to not just see guys as potential boyfriends (or someday husbands), but to embrace them as potential friends. Real, special and long-lasting friends. To this day, one of the closest people to me is someone I've known since college. One of the things that I adore about him is the fact that we can literally talk about any and everything, with no filter. Having that kind of open communication offers up so much insight that I would never get from any of my female friends because men think differently. That isn't right or wrong. That's just the way it is. To me, I think it provides both genders with balance. And balance is always a blessing.
That's why, when a woman recently asked me what I thought about closure sex (which I'll share my thoughts on in just a sec), I decided to get my male friend's perspective on it too. Boy, am I glad that I did. Let me just say that, if you're someone who is currently considering engaging in a couple of rounds of closure sex with a soon-to-be ex or even a soon-to-be-ex sex partner, please make sure to read this all the way through. Sometimes, what can seem like a good—or romantic or sentimental—idea at first can end up totally backfiring on you in ways that you didn't quite see coming (not cumming but coming).
Is Having Closure Sex A Good Idea?
Why Closure Sex Is a Bit of an Oxymoron
Close to a year-and-half ago, I wrote, "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'". One of the things that I shared in it is, if you really take the time to process all that sex does to the mind, body and spirit (even just from a scientific standpoint), there's no way that sex can be casual. The mere fact that oxytocin is a hormone that is designed to bond you to your sex partners is enough to prove that point. And so, just like I personally find closure sex to be the ultimate oxymoron, I pretty much feel the same way about the term "closure sex".
Don't get me wrong. I get what it is in theory. I mean, the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again") and I broke up one year and then spent two more years breaking up some more due to all of the so-called "closure sex" that we were having. And see, that's kind of my point.
When you're with someone and you know it's not going anywhere—or that it's not the best thing for you—but the sex is good (or at the very least, it's reliable and available), you can fool yourself into thinking that closure sex will make things better. To me, all it does is make things more complicated. I know I need to separate from you, but first, before I do that, let me let you get inside of me one more time? Or two more times? Or 15 more times? What kind of sense does that make?
Closure means that you are bringing something to an end. An end is a termination. How is an act that literally brings you as (physically) close to someone as you possibly can be to them going to help you facilitate that?
And besides, if you and someone are ending a relationship, doesn't that mean that the "perks" that come with having you in their life, in that way, need to end too? Back when I wasn't giving closure sex as much thought as I should've have been, I thought "puttin' it on him one last time" was an act of petty revenge. But the more I came to love myself, I found myself getting more into the lane of, "If we're not going to be 'in this' anymore, you don't deserve my goodies". We good. Nowadays, while I am certainly all about getting closure, to me that can be had via lunch at a coffee shop or in a park somewhere. If we're not going to be like we were, you're not going to get what you got when we were that way. Let's keep this above board—meaning, above the sheets—and go our separate ways. Bye.
If you're looking at your screen like, "Yeeeah, I hear you but it's still something that I want to do"—sis, you're grown and you certainly have that right. But just so you won't go through some of the emotional mayhem that I did because, I too thought that closure sex wasn't an oxymoron, I have a few things that I want you to ponder before you decide to…engage.
Three Things to Consider Before Engaging in Closure Sex
Yes, yes. What was it that Darius Lovehall in Love Jonesonce said? It was something along the lines of he didn't have all of the right answers so much as he had all of the right questions. Making the time to ask yourself certain things before you take action can spare you years' worth of potential heartache and regret, I can promise you that. So, before you decide to partake in closure sex, what questions should you "pull an Issa" (you know, look your own self in the mirror like she does on Insecure) and ask?
Why do you want to have closure sex with "him"? Motives reveal a lot of stuff. When it comes to your soon-to-be ex (or soon-to-be over situationship), do you want to do it because you are hoping it will change your mind or his about the overall decision? Is it simply because the sex is good? Is it because you don't know when the next time will be when you get some…from someplace else? Knowing your why will definitely shed more light on your "if you should"—or not. Please ask it beforehand.
How has closure sex worked for you in the past? This is a good one. Sometimes we don't recognize our patterns until someone encourages us to do so. Could it be that you are down for some closure sex with ole' boy because that is what you've always done in your relationships? And if that is the case, how has that worked out for you in the past? If you can honestly say that the experiences were beautiful, brought you clarity and helped to put the nail in the coffin of the situation, I'll give you your props. I'm impressed. For me, it usually either prolonged what needed to happen sooner than later or caused either me or my partner to be more confused and used. Which ultimately led to an ugly ending once we decided to cut things off for real. One that could've been avoided if the closure sex had never happened.
What are you hoping to get out of closure sex? What will closure sex do for you? Not the relationship because that's over, remember? What will it do for your overall health and well-being? And please don't say it will help you to get a few orgasms in because that is a low bar.
I know it's not discussed, on repeat, as much as it should be, but your body is a gift. So is your heart. So is your energy. So is your time. If a guy is not going to benefit from ALL that you have to offer, he should not get ANY more of you.
So yeah, separate him and what the two of you had and ask yourself what will you, and you alone, receive by letting him have the extreme pleasure one more time.
Closure Sex from a Man’s Perspective
Now for the icing on the cake. If you're still like, "Girl, bump all of what you said. I'm going to take my chances", let me just share with you some of what my male friend shared with me.
First, I thought it was hilarious that, when I asked him what he thought about closure sex, his initial response was, "Define it." He's a college graduate and divorced. This ninja knows what closure is. When I gave much side-eye through the phone, he said, "I mean, I don't really think about it at all. Why do I need some ceremonious ending to something that I don't want to do anymore? If I'm done f—king with you, I'm done f—king with you." (Those rose-colored glasses are already coming off, huh?)
OK, friend. Proceed.
"Here's the thing about a lot of guys. We're not gonna burn any bridges, especially if the sex was good. Unless a woman really hurt us, the sex is bad or we're not attracted to her anymore, the door is always open on a guy's end. Not so much to get back together but to have more sex. That's because we can separate good sex and a relationship. That seems to be something that people who participate in 'closure sex' probably don't get. While you're thinking it's a sweet end to whatever we had going on, we think it's one more time to get some before you go. And if you want to come back, cool—but if we decided we're done, it'll probably just be for the sex. That's it."
I'll be honest. Nothing about what he said triggered me. I appreciated the candor. But I do think that if it got your blood to boil a bit, that is just one more reason to rethink the whole closure sex thing. It's not a shocker that, while a lot of us tend to make sex a physical and emotional experience, a lot of men are able to separate the two quite easily and sleep like a baby once they are done—done with the relationship and with the sex.
And still, I know that some of y'all are going to think that your closure sex experience is about to be the exception to the rule. Maybe. It's quite the gamble, but if 2020 has shown us nothing else, it's that anything is possible. All I'm saying is of all the things to do when you're about to call it quits with someone, partaking in closure sex is something you should think long and hard about. Never forget that closure ends things. Sex connects things. Those two things don't really work together. Not in the long run, especially emotionally, anyway.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
- How To Get Over A Bad Breakup, Reclaim Your TIme, Moving On ... ›
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships - xoNecole ... ›
- 15 Sex Hacks For Better Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Common Sex Dreams & What Do They Mean - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Science Based Facts About Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Most Common Sex Problems In Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex Is Great But The Relationship Is Bad - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Questions To Ask For Closure, Ex Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Sex Hacks To Get What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Ask For What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should I Have Sex With My Ex? What to Consider Before Sleeping ... ›
- The Benefits of Breakup Sex, According to Science | by Matt ... ›
- Breakup Sex Is Literally Only A Good Idea In This One Circumstance ›
- Is Having Breakup Sex Ever a Good Idea? We Asked Sex Therapists ... ›
- Is Having Breakup Sex With Your Ex Always A Bad Idea? ›
- Does Having Sex With An Ex Help You Get Closure? Experts Say To ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."