Is 'Closure Sex' Ever A Good Idea?
If there's one thing that I make sure to share with my "love nieces" (nieces by love not through blood) and will someday share with my goddaughters (once they're old enough to grasp the concept), it's how much of a blessing it is to not just see guys as potential boyfriends (or someday husbands), but to embrace them as potential friends. Real, special and long-lasting friends. To this day, one of the closest people to me is someone I've known since college. One of the things that I adore about him is the fact that we can literally talk about any and everything, with no filter. Having that kind of open communication offers up so much insight that I would never get from any of my female friends because men think differently. That isn't right or wrong. That's just the way it is. To me, I think it provides both genders with balance. And balance is always a blessing.
That's why, when a woman recently asked me what I thought about closure sex (which I'll share my thoughts on in just a sec), I decided to get my male friend's perspective on it too. Boy, am I glad that I did. Let me just say that, if you're someone who is currently considering engaging in a couple of rounds of closure sex with a soon-to-be ex or even a soon-to-be-ex sex partner, please make sure to read this all the way through. Sometimes, what can seem like a good—or romantic or sentimental—idea at first can end up totally backfiring on you in ways that you didn't quite see coming (not cumming but coming).
Is Having Closure Sex A Good Idea?
Why Closure Sex Is a Bit of an Oxymoron
Close to a year-and-half ago, I wrote, "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'". One of the things that I shared in it is, if you really take the time to process all that sex does to the mind, body and spirit (even just from a scientific standpoint), there's no way that sex can be casual. The mere fact that oxytocin is a hormone that is designed to bond you to your sex partners is enough to prove that point. And so, just like I personally find closure sex to be the ultimate oxymoron, I pretty much feel the same way about the term "closure sex".
Don't get me wrong. I get what it is in theory. I mean, the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again") and I broke up one year and then spent two more years breaking up some more due to all of the so-called "closure sex" that we were having. And see, that's kind of my point.
When you're with someone and you know it's not going anywhere—or that it's not the best thing for you—but the sex is good (or at the very least, it's reliable and available), you can fool yourself into thinking that closure sex will make things better. To me, all it does is make things more complicated. I know I need to separate from you, but first, before I do that, let me let you get inside of me one more time? Or two more times? Or 15 more times? What kind of sense does that make?
Closure means that you are bringing something to an end. An end is a termination. How is an act that literally brings you as (physically) close to someone as you possibly can be to them going to help you facilitate that?
And besides, if you and someone are ending a relationship, doesn't that mean that the "perks" that come with having you in their life, in that way, need to end too? Back when I wasn't giving closure sex as much thought as I should've have been, I thought "puttin' it on him one last time" was an act of petty revenge. But the more I came to love myself, I found myself getting more into the lane of, "If we're not going to be 'in this' anymore, you don't deserve my goodies". We good. Nowadays, while I am certainly all about getting closure, to me that can be had via lunch at a coffee shop or in a park somewhere. If we're not going to be like we were, you're not going to get what you got when we were that way. Let's keep this above board—meaning, above the sheets—and go our separate ways. Bye.
If you're looking at your screen like, "Yeeeah, I hear you but it's still something that I want to do"—sis, you're grown and you certainly have that right. But just so you won't go through some of the emotional mayhem that I did because, I too thought that closure sex wasn't an oxymoron, I have a few things that I want you to ponder before you decide to…engage.
Three Things to Consider Before Engaging in Closure Sex
Yes, yes. What was it that Darius Lovehall in Love Jonesonce said? It was something along the lines of he didn't have all of the right answers so much as he had all of the right questions. Making the time to ask yourself certain things before you take action can spare you years' worth of potential heartache and regret, I can promise you that. So, before you decide to partake in closure sex, what questions should you "pull an Issa" (you know, look your own self in the mirror like she does on Insecure) and ask?
Why do you want to have closure sex with "him"? Motives reveal a lot of stuff. When it comes to your soon-to-be ex (or soon-to-be over situationship), do you want to do it because you are hoping it will change your mind or his about the overall decision? Is it simply because the sex is good? Is it because you don't know when the next time will be when you get some…from someplace else? Knowing your why will definitely shed more light on your "if you should"—or not. Please ask it beforehand.
How has closure sex worked for you in the past? This is a good one. Sometimes we don't recognize our patterns until someone encourages us to do so. Could it be that you are down for some closure sex with ole' boy because that is what you've always done in your relationships? And if that is the case, how has that worked out for you in the past? If you can honestly say that the experiences were beautiful, brought you clarity and helped to put the nail in the coffin of the situation, I'll give you your props. I'm impressed. For me, it usually either prolonged what needed to happen sooner than later or caused either me or my partner to be more confused and used. Which ultimately led to an ugly ending once we decided to cut things off for real. One that could've been avoided if the closure sex had never happened.
What are you hoping to get out of closure sex? What will closure sex do for you? Not the relationship because that's over, remember? What will it do for your overall health and well-being? And please don't say it will help you to get a few orgasms in because that is a low bar.
I know it's not discussed, on repeat, as much as it should be, but your body is a gift. So is your heart. So is your energy. So is your time. If a guy is not going to benefit from ALL that you have to offer, he should not get ANY more of you.
So yeah, separate him and what the two of you had and ask yourself what will you, and you alone, receive by letting him have the extreme pleasure one more time.
Closure Sex from a Man’s Perspective
Now for the icing on the cake. If you're still like, "Girl, bump all of what you said. I'm going to take my chances", let me just share with you some of what my male friend shared with me.
First, I thought it was hilarious that, when I asked him what he thought about closure sex, his initial response was, "Define it." He's a college graduate and divorced. This ninja knows what closure is. When I gave much side-eye through the phone, he said, "I mean, I don't really think about it at all. Why do I need some ceremonious ending to something that I don't want to do anymore? If I'm done f—king with you, I'm done f—king with you." (Those rose-colored glasses are already coming off, huh?)
OK, friend. Proceed.
"Here's the thing about a lot of guys. We're not gonna burn any bridges, especially if the sex was good. Unless a woman really hurt us, the sex is bad or we're not attracted to her anymore, the door is always open on a guy's end. Not so much to get back together but to have more sex. That's because we can separate good sex and a relationship. That seems to be something that people who participate in 'closure sex' probably don't get. While you're thinking it's a sweet end to whatever we had going on, we think it's one more time to get some before you go. And if you want to come back, cool—but if we decided we're done, it'll probably just be for the sex. That's it."
I'll be honest. Nothing about what he said triggered me. I appreciated the candor. But I do think that if it got your blood to boil a bit, that is just one more reason to rethink the whole closure sex thing. It's not a shocker that, while a lot of us tend to make sex a physical and emotional experience, a lot of men are able to separate the two quite easily and sleep like a baby once they are done—done with the relationship and with the sex.
And still, I know that some of y'all are going to think that your closure sex experience is about to be the exception to the rule. Maybe. It's quite the gamble, but if 2020 has shown us nothing else, it's that anything is possible. All I'm saying is of all the things to do when you're about to call it quits with someone, partaking in closure sex is something you should think long and hard about. Never forget that closure ends things. Sex connects things. Those two things don't really work together. Not in the long run, especially emotionally, anyway.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy
- How To Get Over A Bad Breakup, Reclaim Your TIme, Moving On ... ›
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships - xoNecole ... ›
- 15 Sex Hacks For Better Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Common Sex Dreams & What Do They Mean - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Science Based Facts About Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Most Common Sex Problems In Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sex Is Great But The Relationship Is Bad - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Questions To Ask For Closure, Ex Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Sex Hacks To Get What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Ask For What You Need In Bed - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Should I Have Sex With My Ex? What to Consider Before Sleeping ... ›
- The Benefits of Breakup Sex, According to Science | by Matt ... ›
- Breakup Sex Is Literally Only A Good Idea In This One Circumstance ›
- Is Having Breakup Sex Ever a Good Idea? We Asked Sex Therapists ... ›
- Is Having Breakup Sex With Your Ex Always A Bad Idea? ›
- Does Having Sex With An Ex Help You Get Closure? Experts Say To ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images