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Is 'Closure Sex' Ever A Good Idea?

Closure sex might be common but that doesn't mean it's always the wise thing to do.

Sex

If there's one thing that I make sure to share with my "love nieces" (nieces by love not through blood) and will someday share with my goddaughters (once they're old enough to grasp the concept), it's how much of a blessing it is to not just see guys as potential boyfriends (or someday husbands), but to embrace them as potential friends. Real, special and long-lasting friends. To this day, one of the closest people to me is someone I've known since college. One of the things that I adore about him is the fact that we can literally talk about any and everything, with no filter. Having that kind of open communication offers up so much insight that I would never get from any of my female friends because men think differently. That isn't right or wrong. That's just the way it is. To me, I think it provides both genders with balance. And balance is always a blessing.

That's why, when a woman recently asked me what I thought about closure sex (which I'll share my thoughts on in just a sec), I decided to get my male friend's perspective on it too. Boy, am I glad that I did. Let me just say that, if you're someone who is currently considering engaging in a couple of rounds of closure sex with a soon-to-be ex or even a soon-to-be-ex sex partner, please make sure to read this all the way through. Sometimes, what can seem like a good—or romantic or sentimental—idea at first can end up totally backfiring on you in ways that you didn't quite see coming (not cumming but coming).

Is Having Closure Sex A Good Idea?

Why Closure Sex Is a Bit of an Oxymoron

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Close to a year-and-half ago, I wrote, "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'". One of the things that I shared in it is, if you really take the time to process all that sex does to the mind, body and spirit (even just from a scientific standpoint), there's no way that sex can be casual. The mere fact that oxytocin is a hormone that is designed to bond you to your sex partners is enough to prove that point. And so, just like I personally find closure sex to be the ultimate oxymoron, I pretty much feel the same way about the term "closure sex".

Don't get me wrong. I get what it is in theory. I mean, the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again") and I broke up one year and then spent two more years breaking up some more due to all of the so-called "closure sex" that we were having. And see, that's kind of my point.

When you're with someone and you know it's not going anywhere—or that it's not the best thing for you—but the sex is good (or at the very least, it's reliable and available), you can fool yourself into thinking that closure sex will make things better. To me, all it does is make things more complicated. I know I need to separate from you, but first, before I do that, let me let you get inside of me one more time? Or two more times? Or 15 more times? What kind of sense does that make?

Closure means that you are bringing something to an end. An end is a termination. How is an act that literally brings you as (physically) close to someone as you possibly can be to them going to help you facilitate that?

And besides, if you and someone are ending a relationship, doesn't that mean that the "perks" that come with having you in their life, in that way, need to end too? Back when I wasn't giving closure sex as much thought as I should've have been, I thought "puttin' it on him one last time" was an act of petty revenge. But the more I came to love myself, I found myself getting more into the lane of, "If we're not going to be 'in this' anymore, you don't deserve my goodies". We good. Nowadays, while I am certainly all about getting closure, to me that can be had via lunch at a coffee shop or in a park somewhere. If we're not going to be like we were, you're not going to get what you got when we were that way. Let's keep this above board—meaning, above the sheets—and go our separate ways. Bye.

If you're looking at your screen like, "Yeeeah, I hear you but it's still something that I want to do"—sis, you're grown and you certainly have that right. But just so you won't go through some of the emotional mayhem that I did because, I too thought that closure sex wasn't an oxymoron, I have a few things that I want you to ponder before you decide to…engage.

Three Things to Consider Before Engaging in Closure Sex

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Yes, yes. What was it that Darius Lovehall in Love Jones once said? It was something along the lines of he didn't have all of the right answers so much as he had all of the right questions. Making the time to ask yourself certain things before you take action can spare you years' worth of potential heartache and regret, I can promise you that. So, before you decide to partake in closure sex, what questions should you "pull an Issa" (you know, look your own self in the mirror like she does on Insecure) and ask?

Why do you want to have closure sex with "him"? Motives reveal a lot of stuff. When it comes to your soon-to-be ex (or soon-to-be over situationship), do you want to do it because you are hoping it will change your mind or his about the overall decision? Is it simply because the sex is good? Is it because you don't know when the next time will be when you get some…from someplace else? Knowing your why will definitely shed more light on your "if you should"—or not. Please ask it beforehand.

How has closure sex worked for you in the past? This is a good one. Sometimes we don't recognize our patterns until someone encourages us to do so. Could it be that you are down for some closure sex with ole' boy because that is what you've always done in your relationships? And if that is the case, how has that worked out for you in the past? If you can honestly say that the experiences were beautiful, brought you clarity and helped to put the nail in the coffin of the situation, I'll give you your props. I'm impressed. For me, it usually either prolonged what needed to happen sooner than later or caused either me or my partner to be more confused and used. Which ultimately led to an ugly ending once we decided to cut things off for real. One that could've been avoided if the closure sex had never happened.

What are you hoping to get out of closure sex? What will closure sex do for you? Not the relationship because that's over, remember? What will it do for your overall health and well-being? And please don't say it will help you to get a few orgasms in because that is a low bar.

I know it's not discussed, on repeat, as much as it should be, but your body is a gift. So is your heart. So is your energy. So is your time. If a guy is not going to benefit from ALL that you have to offer, he should not get ANY more of you.

So yeah, separate him and what the two of you had and ask yourself what will you, and you alone, receive by letting him have the extreme pleasure one more time.

Closure Sex from a Man’s Perspective

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Now for the icing on the cake. If you're still like, "Girl, bump all of what you said. I'm going to take my chances", let me just share with you some of what my male friend shared with me.

First, I thought it was hilarious that, when I asked him what he thought about closure sex, his initial response was, "Define it." He's a college graduate and divorced. This ninja knows what closure is. When I gave much side-eye through the phone, he said, "I mean, I don't really think about it at all. Why do I need some ceremonious ending to something that I don't want to do anymore? If I'm done f—king with you, I'm done f—king with you." (Those rose-colored glasses are already coming off, huh?)

OK, friend. Proceed.

"Here's the thing about a lot of guys. We're not gonna burn any bridges, especially if the sex was good. Unless a woman really hurt us, the sex is bad or we're not attracted to her anymore, the door is always open on a guy's end. Not so much to get back together but to have more sex. That's because we can separate good sex and a relationship. That seems to be something that people who participate in 'closure sex' probably don't get. While you're thinking it's a sweet end to whatever we had going on, we think it's one more time to get some before you go. And if you want to come back, cool—but if we decided we're done, it'll probably just be for the sex. That's it."

I'll be honest. Nothing about what he said triggered me. I appreciated the candor. But I do think that if it got your blood to boil a bit, that is just one more reason to rethink the whole closure sex thing. It's not a shocker that, while a lot of us tend to make sex a physical and emotional experience, a lot of men are able to separate the two quite easily and sleep like a baby once they are done—done with the relationship and with the sex.

And still, I know that some of y'all are going to think that your closure sex experience is about to be the exception to the rule. Maybe. It's quite the gamble, but if 2020 has shown us nothing else, it's that anything is possible. All I'm saying is of all the things to do when you're about to call it quits with someone, partaking in closure sex is something you should think long and hard about. Never forget that closure ends things. Sex connects things. Those two things don't really work together. Not in the long run, especially emotionally, anyway.

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ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

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