Is 'Closure Sex' Ever A Good Idea?
If there's one thing that I make sure to share with my "love nieces" (nieces by love not through blood) and will someday share with my goddaughters (once they're old enough to grasp the concept), it's how much of a blessing it is to not just see guys as potential boyfriends (or someday husbands), but to embrace them as potential friends. Real, special and long-lasting friends. To this day, one of the closest people to me is someone I've known since college. One of the things that I adore about him is the fact that we can literally talk about any and everything, with no filter. Having that kind of open communication offers up so much insight that I would never get from any of my female friends because men think differently. That isn't right or wrong. That's just the way it is. To me, I think it provides both genders with balance. And balance is always a blessing.
That's why, when a woman recently asked me what I thought about closure sex (which I'll share my thoughts on in just a sec), I decided to get my male friend's perspective on it too. Boy, am I glad that I did. Let me just say that, if you're someone who is currently considering engaging in a couple of rounds of closure sex with a soon-to-be ex or even a soon-to-be-ex sex partner, please make sure to read this all the way through. Sometimes, what can seem like a good—or romantic or sentimental—idea at first can end up totally backfiring on you in ways that you didn't quite see coming (not cumming but coming).
Is Having Closure Sex A Good Idea?
Why Closure Sex Is a Bit of an Oxymoron
Close to a year-and-half ago, I wrote, "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'". One of the things that I shared in it is, if you really take the time to process all that sex does to the mind, body and spirit (even just from a scientific standpoint), there's no way that sex can be casual. The mere fact that oxytocin is a hormone that is designed to bond you to your sex partners is enough to prove that point. And so, just like I personally find closure sex to be the ultimate oxymoron, I pretty much feel the same way about the term "closure sex".
Don't get me wrong. I get what it is in theory. I mean, the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again") and I broke up one year and then spent two more years breaking up some more due to all of the so-called "closure sex" that we were having. And see, that's kind of my point.
When you're with someone and you know it's not going anywhere—or that it's not the best thing for you—but the sex is good (or at the very least, it's reliable and available), you can fool yourself into thinking that closure sex will make things better. To me, all it does is make things more complicated. I know I need to separate from you, but first, before I do that, let me let you get inside of me one more time? Or two more times? Or 15 more times? What kind of sense does that make?
Closure means that you are bringing something to an end. An end is a termination. How is an act that literally brings you as (physically) close to someone as you possibly can be to them going to help you facilitate that?
And besides, if you and someone are ending a relationship, doesn't that mean that the "perks" that come with having you in their life, in that way, need to end too? Back when I wasn't giving closure sex as much thought as I should've have been, I thought "puttin' it on him one last time" was an act of petty revenge. But the more I came to love myself, I found myself getting more into the lane of, "If we're not going to be 'in this' anymore, you don't deserve my goodies". We good. Nowadays, while I am certainly all about getting closure, to me that can be had via lunch at a coffee shop or in a park somewhere. If we're not going to be like we were, you're not going to get what you got when we were that way. Let's keep this above board—meaning, above the sheets—and go our separate ways. Bye.
If you're looking at your screen like, "Yeeeah, I hear you but it's still something that I want to do"—sis, you're grown and you certainly have that right. But just so you won't go through some of the emotional mayhem that I did because, I too thought that closure sex wasn't an oxymoron, I have a few things that I want you to ponder before you decide to…engage.
Three Things to Consider Before Engaging in Closure Sex
Yes, yes. What was it that Darius Lovehall in Love Jonesonce said? It was something along the lines of he didn't have all of the right answers so much as he had all of the right questions. Making the time to ask yourself certain things before you take action can spare you years' worth of potential heartache and regret, I can promise you that. So, before you decide to partake in closure sex, what questions should you "pull an Issa" (you know, look your own self in the mirror like she does on Insecure) and ask?
Why do you want to have closure sex with "him"? Motives reveal a lot of stuff. When it comes to your soon-to-be ex (or soon-to-be over situationship), do you want to do it because you are hoping it will change your mind or his about the overall decision? Is it simply because the sex is good? Is it because you don't know when the next time will be when you get some…from someplace else? Knowing your why will definitely shed more light on your "if you should"—or not. Please ask it beforehand.
How has closure sex worked for you in the past? This is a good one. Sometimes we don't recognize our patterns until someone encourages us to do so. Could it be that you are down for some closure sex with ole' boy because that is what you've always done in your relationships? And if that is the case, how has that worked out for you in the past? If you can honestly say that the experiences were beautiful, brought you clarity and helped to put the nail in the coffin of the situation, I'll give you your props. I'm impressed. For me, it usually either prolonged what needed to happen sooner than later or caused either me or my partner to be more confused and used. Which ultimately led to an ugly ending once we decided to cut things off for real. One that could've been avoided if the closure sex had never happened.
What are you hoping to get out of closure sex? What will closure sex do for you? Not the relationship because that's over, remember? What will it do for your overall health and well-being? And please don't say it will help you to get a few orgasms in because that is a low bar.
I know it's not discussed, on repeat, as much as it should be, but your body is a gift. So is your heart. So is your energy. So is your time. If a guy is not going to benefit from ALL that you have to offer, he should not get ANY more of you.
So yeah, separate him and what the two of you had and ask yourself what will you, and you alone, receive by letting him have the extreme pleasure one more time.
Closure Sex from a Man’s Perspective
Now for the icing on the cake. If you're still like, "Girl, bump all of what you said. I'm going to take my chances", let me just share with you some of what my male friend shared with me.
First, I thought it was hilarious that, when I asked him what he thought about closure sex, his initial response was, "Define it." He's a college graduate and divorced. This ninja knows what closure is. When I gave much side-eye through the phone, he said, "I mean, I don't really think about it at all. Why do I need some ceremonious ending to something that I don't want to do anymore? If I'm done f—king with you, I'm done f—king with you." (Those rose-colored glasses are already coming off, huh?)
OK, friend. Proceed.
"Here's the thing about a lot of guys. We're not gonna burn any bridges, especially if the sex was good. Unless a woman really hurt us, the sex is bad or we're not attracted to her anymore, the door is always open on a guy's end. Not so much to get back together but to have more sex. That's because we can separate good sex and a relationship. That seems to be something that people who participate in 'closure sex' probably don't get. While you're thinking it's a sweet end to whatever we had going on, we think it's one more time to get some before you go. And if you want to come back, cool—but if we decided we're done, it'll probably just be for the sex. That's it."
I'll be honest. Nothing about what he said triggered me. I appreciated the candor. But I do think that if it got your blood to boil a bit, that is just one more reason to rethink the whole closure sex thing. It's not a shocker that, while a lot of us tend to make sex a physical and emotional experience, a lot of men are able to separate the two quite easily and sleep like a baby once they are done—done with the relationship and with the sex.
And still, I know that some of y'all are going to think that your closure sex experience is about to be the exception to the rule. Maybe. It's quite the gamble, but if 2020 has shown us nothing else, it's that anything is possible. All I'm saying is of all the things to do when you're about to call it quits with someone, partaking in closure sex is something you should think long and hard about. Never forget that closure ends things. Sex connects things. Those two things don't really work together. Not in the long run, especially emotionally, anyway.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images