Why I'll Never Call Someone A "Boyfriend" Again

At my age, I'm too grown for a "boy" anything.

Her Voice

Apr. 18, 2019 04:09PM EST

Personally, I blame Barbie. At least for starters.

I don't have any children of my own and thankfully, the parents of young daughters that I'm close to don't inundate their girls with dolls, so I can't comment too much on what Barbie looks like today (although Yara Shahidi's is pretty cute, I must admit). But back when I was a little girl, Barbie's dream outfit was a wedding dress, Ken was her constant companion and, if you looked really closely at her hand, there was a fake diamond in it. And since her hands were fused together, in order to take the ring off, you had to tug on it. Without the ring, there was a big hole in her hand that remained.

Call it overthinking if you want to, but if basically, all a little girl sees in her room are doll babies—or dolls who have a part of their hand missing if there's not a diamond in it—and Disney flicks that are filled with Prince Charmings and tales of "happily ever after"; and then when she has a crush on someone, the adults in her life immediately refer to said-boy as her "boyfriend"…what are we expecting her to be consumed with? Why wouldn't wanting a man of her very own, even if he is a child just like her, be a part of her little girl goals?

So yeah, between the toy-programming in my home, the irresponsible-albeit-probably-totally-ignorant teasing about "my boyfriends" by some of the adults in my world, the sermons in church that never seemed to be celebratory of the single life (at most, they talked about remaining pure until a husband came along), having friends (in elementary and high school) who were in relationships since I could remember and then not even really being taught (properly) about the purpose of romantic relationships…of course, I wanted a boyfriend. Basically, ever since middle school on.

OK, the irresponsible adults that I mentioned? My mom wasn't really one of them. Although she thought crushes were cute and I got to take a date to school banquets (I went to private schools, so we didn't have proms), I didn't have my first official date with a guy until I was in the second semester of my junior year of high school and, believe you me, there was a curfew. It was innocent enough. Matter of fact, I'm still cool with "him" to this day. That's because we didn't do what I did with a lot of other men who followed him.

Plus, we made being friends more important than trying to become boyfriend-girlfriend. Please bookmark that.

No, it actually wasn't until I was a freshman in college that I had my first real deal boyfriend. The CliffNotes version is a girlfriend of mine at the time whose boyfriend would drive up to see her a couple of times a week, brought a few of his friends up. The friend who caught my eye (let's call him "David") then started making the trips with him. He was fine. He was smart. He liked me as much as I liked him (to this day, I don't think a lot of us realize how rare that is; "like timing" is almost like a UFO sighting). Yeah, things moved quickly.

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It wasn't long before we were spending hours on the phone. Hours of talking make you feel like you've known someone longer than you actually have. And so, after a couple of weeks, we had the boyfriend-girlfriend title although I didn't know exactly what came with that. Then, a few weeks after that, we had sex for the first time. I was in. ALL IN.

During a relationship that officially lasted less than two years, things got deep—and sometimes dark. We got arrested together (his cousin had a stolen gun in my car that I knew nothing about). I had an abortion that was totally against David's wishes. Sometimes he would stay with me for days on end. Other times, when I needed money, he'd give it. When he wanted my car, I'd lend it. Again, I was all in. And since that's what my first boyfriend experience was like, that's how I thought all romantic relationships were supposed to be—basically married just…not.

Fast forward about a decade and it's kind of amazing that my last boyfriend-girlfriend relationship was about 14 years ago. Although I haven't had sex in 12 years, my boyfriend and I spent about two years breaking up…you know how it goes. Anyway, in hindsight, I realize that even with him, things were deep and sometimes dark. We were constantly on the phone. He too would stay with me, sometimes for days on end. I would cook for him on the regular. Sometimes even pay his bills. Between my complex childhood, the fallout in my romantic liaisons and the toll both took on my self-esteem, sometimes he rode emotional roller coasters with me that he didn't deserve. Then there were our families all intertwined and caught up in the mix. Ugh.

About three-and-a-half years in, I remember looking at him one time while he was asleep next to me and thinking, "I want out." It's not that he wasn't a good person. To this day, he's one of the smartest and gentlest people I know—well, knew (we use that "know" word too loosely). It's just that he wasn't my person.

Yet, because he was my boyfriend, I thought I had to stick it out, for better or for worse. Like he was a husband or something. I took a long time for me to accept that I did not. Because he was not.

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I also remember the day when I finally decided to call it quits. I was at one of his cousin's house who happened to be a friend of mine (and also not a fan of the relationship because she too felt he was not my person). When I called to tell him that it was really over and then hung up the phone, I sat in one of the corners of her bedroom and cried and cried…and cried some more. Although I had never been married before, I was a child of divorce (twice) and the pain that I was experiencing? It seemed very similar.

Why do I only have a boyfriend, but this break-up feels like I'm divorcing my husband? To this day, there are very few things that I think compare to break-up pain. To this day, that is one of the biggest self-introspective questions I've ever asked.

Acting married when I'm not is just too much…for me.

Fast forward to now and, whenever people ask me, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?", my initial response is, "I'm too old for a BOY-anything." And, by "too old", I mean too mature and too wise. However, there is some subtext behind that statement.

Believe it or not, I know a couple of couples who were virgins when they got married. I also know a few people whose first love was their current spouse. There's something really beautiful about those testimonies because they haven't gone through the brokenness that I have. They haven't acted like they are married to people they aren't, so there is a loyalty and respect that they have for one another, sex and the union of marriage that I'm still working to rebuild.

Years ago, I heard someone say that the way a lot of us date, it doesn't teach us how to be married; it teaches us how to get divorced. To a large extent, I agree. I can't tell you how many times I've sat in marriage counseling sessions and had couples tell me that they're ready to end their legally-binding-said-vows-before-God relationship like it's…nothing. When I choose to dig deeper, some of them will say something along the lines of, "When I wasn't happy with my ex, I ended it. I don't see the difference."

Just because you might not see it, that doesn't mean there isn't one. Unfortunately, when we treat our boyfriends as if they are our husbands, we don't see (or treat) divorces as being much different than a break-up. In fact, a lot of us see the two is being exactly the same. We gave our all—mind, body and soul—to a boyfriend (or 10 boyfriends) and so by the time our husband comes along, he doesn't get much more than what our boyfriends did. It's hard for us to understand why he should.

To tell you the truth, that grieves me because a boyfriend shouldn't be synonymous with a husband.

There should be certain perks—and levels of loyalty and respect—that the man we promise to stay with until death gets that our "boyfriends" were never deserving of. But because a lot of us aren't told or modeled this, we act married before we are, so we don't value the sacredness of marriage as much as we should.

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That's why I'll NEVER have a boyfriend again.

I already know what some of you are wondering. Since I have no plans on having a boyfriend, am I saying that I also have no plans on getting married someday? Personally, I don't see how the two connect; at least, not anymore. Whenever someone asks me how I figure I can have a husband without having a boyfriend first, my first response is, "Who had a boyfriend in the Bible?" (I'll wait). Plenty of people were married all up and through there!

Seriously, though. I want to marry a friend. No abusing the monogamy word (monogamy literally means "married to one person for a lifetime" NOT exclusively dating). No pressure to act married when I'm not. Just the time, space and freedom to get to know a guy that I dig who digs me. That like will turn into love and in the sacredness of friendship, one day, that will turn into being in love.

It might sound idealistic. Personally, I think the more appropriate word is "countercultural". But I know some people who did it just this way. Two of my closest friends were friends—just friends—for over a decade. The now-wife always had feelings for her now-husband, but timing is everything. Anyway, because their friendship was the foundation, the guy-friend was always very real and open with his girl-friend. In fact, they were best friends.

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One day, he went on a fast. He came out of it realizing that he was sick of dating around; that he was ready to meet "the one". After a 3-4 hour-long conversation with his girl-friend, they realized they were on the same page with their values, how they saw their future and how they defined family. They got engaged six months later. They've been married 17 years now. See…it's possible to get a husband without having a boyfriend. Even better, it's possible to do it with your heart and parts still intact.

I get that my stance isn't for everyone. That's fine. But on this side of wisdom and healing, I have no regrets with having male friends and removing the pressure (and drama) that oftentimes comes from making some of them my boyfriend.

These days, I don't want there to be a fine line between what a boyfriend gets vs. what my husband deserves. Now, I see a world of difference between the two, which is exactly why I will never ever have a boyfriend again.

I'll act married when I actually am married. Let the church say…amen.

Featured image by Getty Images.

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I Moved In With My Boyfriend But Never Got A Commitment - Read More

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To End Systemic Racism, Ensure Systemic Equality

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

To join our Systemic Equality agenda to take action on racial justice, click here.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:

Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda

Featured image by Shutterstock

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As Told To

OK, Ladies—I Got A BBL, Let's Talk About Everything You Need To Know

As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.

This is Maya's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.

I know this may come to a surprise so many, but here we are. Yes, I got a BBL. If you aren't aware, a BBL is a Brazilian Butt Lift, a cosmetic surgery process where the doctor uses a combination of liposuction and fat-grafting, transfers the fat into the butt, resulting in added volume, defined curves, and a lift. It is technically lipo and a fat transfer. But yeah girl, this has been on my to-do list for a while. And now that I am able to afford it, I went for it.

Keep reading... Show less

Exclusive Interviews

An Extremely Underestimated Sign That You're With The Right Person

Why I'll Never Call Someone A "Boyfriend" Again

At my age, I'm too grown for a "boy" anything.

Plus, we made being friends more important than trying to become boyfriend-girlfriend. Please bookmark that.

Yet, because he was my boyfriend, I thought I had to stick it out, for better or for worse. Like he was a husband or something. I took a long time for me to accept that I did not. Because he was not.

Acting married when I'm not is just too much…for me.

To tell you the truth, that grieves me because a boyfriend shouldn't be synonymous with a husband.

That's why I'll NEVER have a boyfriend again.

Related Articles:

What is Systemic Racism?

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

Voting Rights

Student Debt

Postal Banking

Fair Housing

Broadband Access

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

Reparations

The Long View

xoNecole: For those creatives who are looking to find their business partner, what are some traits that you would recommend them looking for in that person?

I’ve heard the term “Hero Product” come from entrepreneurs who describe the product that changed the game for their business. For you two, it’s the Radiate Face Jelly. How did you all know that you had something special with the Radiate Face Jelly?

She’Neil, you’ve once mentioned that at one point of your journey, you challenged yourself to just put things out there and not be such a perfectionist. What were some steps that you took to overcome perfectionism and how has that paid off in the long run?

One common misconception about starting a business and working for yourself is that you have to quit your job and let your business catch you. But for you two, how did having a full-time job help you all build your business?

"I think people have the 9-5 game messed up a little bit. I don't think they realize that when you have a 9-5, you're getting paid to learn. If you're strategic, you'll make sure you're in a role that is consistently teaching you new things."

"I had to give myself a better financial situation so I could be a better CEO, owner, and founder - if you're not good as a founder, your company's not going to be good."

Most creatives and entrepreneurs are used to only having themselves to look to for support in difficult times along their journey, but you all are fortunate enough to have each other. How do you all affirm each other when in moments of doubt or when you’re questioning yourselves?

What’s one thing that you didn’t know prior to becoming business owners that you would impart to aspiring entrepreneurs?

For more of She'Neil and Nicolette, follow them on Instagram @sheneilmonique and @nicolette.camille. Also, check out their brand Base Butter by clicking here.

Why, sis? Why did you get a BBL?

So my decisions had nothing to do with anyone else—my friends, my family, my man. I wanted to look more feminine in my clothing and I just wanted to be happy with myself when no one was in the room but me and Jesus.

Let's talk numbers:

A little BBL preparation insight:

How is the healing process for a BBL?

I wore four foam boards in my faja (shapewear), and a triangle on my back to create the dip. It's important to note that you're not fully healed, or won't see full results, until six months later despite feeling normal immediately, or not feeling sick.

Any regrets?

This was self-love for me. I loved myself enough to get myself out of that negative space that I felt about myself and my body.

1. Skin Sensitivity

2. Environment

3. Exfoliation

Applying a chemical exfoliant once a week is the best bet. Advised to use at night due to the sensitivity it can cause, chemical exfoliation involves the use of enzymes to dissolve dead skin cell buildup from the surface of your skin—no scrubbing necessary.

4. Extractions

5. Hydrate

6. Follow-Up

What Exactly Does It Mean to Forgive?

Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?

Why Only “Good Forgivers” Need to Get Married

What You Should Process About Forgiveness Before Ending Your Marriage

Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.

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Cancer

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Leo

On the 19th, Uranus goes Retrograde could be uncomfortably forcing you to make some changes in your career that could be shocking to others but ultimately the best thing for you to align with your future vision of the legacy you're creating.

Virgo

On the 16th, Venus enters Libra to help you establish some balance with how much you're spending and how much you're saving. As my mother always taught me, "Don't forget to pay yourself first."

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When your ruling planet, Venus, enters your sign on the 16th you are the belle of the ball. Your aura is even more magnetic at this time which has you attracting a lot of attention, opportunities, and fortune.

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Capricorn

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When Venus enters Libra on the 16th, it's time to get serious about paying off any outstanding debts. The less you owe, the more your finances can grow.

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