Quantcast

5 Love Lessons I've Learned From Being In A Situationship

Dating

It is rare that I meet men who have nothing going for themselves, lack substance, and the like because I wholeheartedly believe that we attract who we are at any given time of our lives. They typically have their lives together – some entrepreneurs, all educated – eclectic, exciting, enriching. In the beginning, everything goes so well.

No commitment. We're chillin'.


I have wonderful words to describe them all, but with a few, the end of our situationship still felt like a loss.

Somehow, even though we were never an outwardly exclusive partnership, I have ended up feeling silly and/or hurt at no longer having some of these men in my life anymore. I view relationships as relationships, even if there wasn't any real commitment involved in the nonexclusive ones I've had. I weigh these experiences the same as I have the three exclusive relationships I have been in. And I don't feel crazy about it anymore.

Here are 5 love lessons I have learned from being in a situationship:

1. Be Clear On Your Intentions

For some, sex is the most vulnerable and intimate act shared with someone else. For me, this is not totally the case because my history with sex tells a very different story. Truth be told, I've been in situations where sex happened upon arrival, where we waited, or where we didn't have sex at all. In the wise words of one of my male cousins, “It doesn't matter if you gave it up on day 1 or day 100, if that's all he (or she) wanted, that's all it's going to be."

I also understand the value behind the why and respect those who do choose to wait. Good for you. It is not a universal truth and it certainly isn't one size fits all. We see many of the happily ever after stories about why it is appropriate to wait, but it is possible to live that same story even if you don't wait. Do what is true to yourself, what works for the both of you, and where you are or aren't trying to go. Be clear on your intentions.

2. Love Yourself

And by loving yourself, I don't mean placing your worth and value at the mercy of the person you are involved with. What I do mean is that after every separation from that which was never exclusively “mine," I still have me.

I'd spend substantial amounts of quality time with myself and my Higher Power, forgiving myself, and extracting from each experience what was healthy or unhealthy for my growth and sifting through feelings of rejection, shame, guilt, regret, or not being good enough. I emerged from isolation restored, reminding myself of the sweetness and value of each experience, and that I am good enough. There's power in that. I'm thankful for the love I have found in and for myself. Love what you have before you go giving it away.

3. Needs > Wants

Quite possibly the most valuable lesson I have learned in every situationship, consciously or not, is to be open. I also learned to allow people to be who they are. In doing so, I have come to understand what sets my soul on fire and what pisses me off.

I have grown to understand that what I need, both independently and in the context of a relationship, is often the exact opposite of what I thought I wanted. I have ceased trying to change someone into who I want them to be or allowing someone to do the same to me. I have grown to choose substance over surface. I have realized that my needs and wants will be synonymous with whoever I am to spend the rest of my life with.

4. Get Your Power Back

I think often times we can subject ourselves to upset and heartbreak by proceeding without caution, not asking the necessary questions, “going with the flow," or allowing circumstances, people and opportunities that are not necessarily FOR US to speak on our behalf and dictate where things are or aren't going. Too often, I was the “chill" woman, you know, the “we'll see what happens" kind of person, never calling out, challenging or pushing back on the dissonance between the words and actions presented to me because I did not want to push any buttons.

Having difficult, uncomfortable, and awkward conversations with yourself and others is necessary and may leave a sting (that sting is fleeting), but not being able to have a say-so in decisions regarding your heart and life will hurt much deeper. We DO have a say. There is power in confirming the clear direction and safe landing that our lives are steered in. You can walk away. You can let go. No one can ever take that power away from you anymore, and vow that no one ever will.

5. Be Ready For the Man You Will Spend Your Life With

We've heard many times the quote about investing so much love and time into the wrong relationships that we should look forward to the day where we can invest the same and more into the right ones, when that time comes. In hindsight, there is not one man that I've involved myself with that was right or wrong necessarily. I believe that human life is much more valuable than just a right or wrong, good or bad person, and that we should treat everyone with privilege.

Everyone and everything is a valuable experience and not a waste of time.

I have decided that the men of my past were a significant moment in time that was necessary for my growth as an individual and as a partner. Without these experiences, I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. And I look forward to finding love in the future without the expectation that things will go bad or that I'll be hurt again and without the regret of having wasted my time.

Instead, with each encounter, I view them as fleeting glimpses of my eternity. When we meet (and maybe we already have), I already know I'm going to be ready. Whatever “ready" looks like. I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned.

Have you ever been in a situationship? What has been your biggest takeaway from them? Share with us below!

We all know what it is to love, be loved, or be in love – or at least we think we do. But what would you say if I were to tell you that so much of the love that you thought you’d been in was actually a little thing called limerence? No, it doesn’t sound as romantic – and it’s not – unless you’re into the whole Obsessed-type of love. But one might say at least one side of that dynamic might be…thrilling.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Idris Elba and Sabrina Dhowre Elba are gearing up for the second season of their podcast Coupledom where they interview partners in business and/or romance. The stunning couple has been married for three years but they have been together for a total of six years. During that time, they have developed many partnerships but quickly learned that working together isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Keep reading...Show less

Before she was Amira Unplugged, rapper, singer, and a Becoming a Popstar contestant on MTV, she was Amira Daughtery, a twenty-five year-old Georgian, with aspirations of becoming a lawyer. “I thought my career path was going to lead me to law because that’s the way I thought I would help people,” Amira tells xoNecole. “[But] I always came back to music.”

A music lover since childhood, Amira grew up in an artistic household where passion for music was emphasized. “My dad has always been my huge inspiration for music because he’s a musician himself and is so passionate about the history of music.” Amira’s also dealt with deafness in one ear since she was a toddler, a condition which she says only makes her more “intentional” about the music she makes, to ensure that what she hears inside her head can translate the way she wants it to for audiences.

“The loss of hearing means a person can’t experience music in the conventional way,” she says. “I’ve always responded to bigger, bolder anthemic songs because I can feel them [the vibrations] in my body, and I want to be sure my music does this for deaf/HOH people and everyone.”

A Black woman wearing a black hijab and black and gold dress stands in between two men who are both wearing black pants and colorful jackets and necklaces

Amira Unplugged and other contestants on Becoming a Popstar

Amira Unplugged / MTV

In order to lift people’s spirits at the beginning of the pandemic, Amira began posting videos on TikTok of herself singing and using sign language so her music could reach her deaf fans as well. She was surprised by how quickly she was able to amass a large audience. It was through her videos that she caught the attention of a talent scout for MTV’s new music competition show for rising TikTok singers, Becoming a Popstar. After a three-month process, Amira was one of those picked to be a contestant on the show.

Becoming a Popstar, as Amira describes, is different from other music competition shows we’ve all come to know over the years. “Well, first of all, it’s all original music. There’s not a single cover,” she says. “We have to write these songs in like a day or two and then meet with our producers, meet with our directors. Every week, we are producing a full project for people to vote on and decide if they’d listen to it on the radio.”

To make sure her deaf/HOH audiences can feel her songs, she makes sure to “add more bass, guitar, and violin in unique patterns.” She also incorporates “higher pitch sounds with like chimes, bells, and piccolo,” because, she says, they’re easier to feel. “But it’s less about the kind of instrument and more about how I arrange the pattern of the song. Everything I do is to create an atmosphere, a sensation, to make my music a multi-sensory experience.”

She says that working alongside the judges–pop stars Joe Jonas and Becky G, and choreographer Sean Bankhead – has helped expand her artistry. “Joe was really more about the vocal quality and the timber and Becky was really about the passion of [the song] and being convinced this was something you believed in,” she says. “And what was really great about [our choreographer] Sean is that obviously he’s a choreographer to the stars – Lil Nas X, Normani – but he didn’t only focus on choreo, he focused on stage presence, he focused on the overall message of the song. And I think all those critiques week to week helped us hone in on what we wanted to be saying with our next song.”

As her star rises, it’s been both her Muslim faith and her friends, whom she calls “The Glasses Gang” (“because none of us can see!”), that continue to ground her. “The Muslim and the Muslima community have really gone hard [supporting me] and all these people have come together and I truly appreciate them,” Amira says. “I have just been flooded with DMs and emails and texts from [young muslim kids] people who have just been so inspired,” she says. “People who have said they have never seen anything like this, that I embody a lot of the style that they wanted to see and that the message hit them, which is really the most important thing to me.”

A Black woman wears a long, salmon pink hijab, black outfit and pink boots, smiling down at the camera with her arm outstretched to it.

Amira Unplugged

Amira Unplugged / MTV

Throughout the show’s production, she was able to continue to uphold her faith practices with the help of the crew, such as making sure her food was halal, having time to pray, dressing modestly, and working with female choreographers. “If people can accept this, can learn, and can grow, and bring more people into the fold of this industry, then I’m making a real difference,” she says.

Though she didn’t win the competition, this is only the beginning for Amira. Whether it’s on Becoming a Popstar or her videos online, Amira has made it clear she has no plans on going anywhere but up. “I’m so excited that I’ve gotten this opportunity because this is really, truly what I think I’m meant to do.”

Today is Malcolm X’s birthday. As an icon of Black liberation movements, his words are often rallying cries and guideposts in struggle. In 2020, after the officers who executed Breonna Taylor were not charged with her murder, my timeline was flooded with people reposting Malcolm’s famous quote: “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the Black woman.”

Keep reading...Show less

As her fame continues to rise, Tiffany Haddish has remained a positive light for her fans with her infectious smile and relatable story. Since Girls Trip, fans have witnessed the comedian become a modern-day Cinderella due to the many opportunities that have come her way and the recognition she began to receive.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Exclusive: Jay Ellis Shares ‘Full-Circle’ Moment With His Parents & His Self-Care Ritual

Staying grounded is one of the actor's biggest priorities.

Latest Posts