Situationships are often painted as an innocent act between two individuals who have feelings for one another. However, they are actually dangerous because of the chaos and suppression of needs that occurs. Before I go on to share why situationships are dangerous, it is essential to first define it.
A situationship is when two individuals act like they are in a relationship with a title but are not. Situationships often become messy because one individual usually wants more while the other person is stalling. Not only are situationships messy, being in a situationship is very dangerous and here are three reasons why.
Situationships can kill your confidence.
Shutterstock
Being in a situationship is not something that people strive to achieve as it relates to their love life. It is human nature to desire companionship, but God did not create us to experience half of what we rightfully deserve: a commitment. Somewhere down the line, the "talking stage" has been prolonged to be the norm and many individuals are made to believe that giving their all in those circumstances is the way to go. Unfortunately, that understanding can cloud one's judgement and allow them to subconsciously believe that this is the best that they can get as it relates to dating.
There was a time where I was involved in various situationships for long periods of time. I settled for acting like a girlfriend without the title, and there were many instances in which I had to "convince" a man that I was "worthy" of a girlfriend title. Whenever the man would give me an excuse as to why he was not ready for a relationship after months—sometimes a year—of dating, I found a way to convince myself that he was right.
What I thought was a gesture of understanding was actually my poor self-esteem coming to light, and the longer I stayed with the guy, the more I believed that I was not worthy to be loved the way that I deeply desired.
Situationships rob you from experiencing healthy love.
Shutterstock
One of the biggest issues we have with dating and relationships is that we often glamorize "struggle love". I find the notion of embracing it to be extremely toxic because healthy love does and can exist. When you subject yourself to situationships, you rob yourself of experiencing a healthy pursuit, dating experiences, and respect.
Despite popular belief, a man who is OK with a situationship does not respect you and he is actually hindering you from experiencing something healthy. They deprive you of the experience of the healthy process of love and partnership, and as a result, many people escape from it (by the grace of God) damaged, deeply hurt, insecure, and with unbelief of love.
So ladies, the next time you meet a guy and, as you continue to get to know him for months, you begin to feel like you are at a standstill, remember this: If a man walks into a car dealership and sees the car of his dreams, he will not leave the dealership without that car. Why? Because he values it so much that he does not want anyone else to own it. Notice that there is no time wasting, nor dragging of his feet about whether or not he wants the car, and he is not disrespectful to the car dealer.
In essence, men respect what they value, and if he does not value you enough to give you a title then it goes back to his level of respect for you.
Situationships make you miss out on meeting good people.
Shutterstock
If none of the points mentioned above grabs your attention, I hope this point does: Being in a situationship with a person who is unsure of what they want will hinder you from getting what you deserve from someone better. Remember, being in a situationship is not just only emotionally and mentally draining, it can take you out of position to meet a man who actually wants and is ready to commit. Think about it, if you are spending all of your weekends with a temporary bae who has no plans on moving past the temporary stage, you can actually miss out on events, spaces, and environments in which you can meet a man who is ready for the same things you are.
This even goes for date nights with that unofficial bae. Did you ever think that while he is wining and dining you at that fancy restaurant, someone there might be admiring your beauty and wishing that you were not single because they assume that you are out with a significant other? Unfortunately, many women may have been in those situations without ever knowing.
As you can see, situationships can be very messy and will rob you of the commitment that you deeply desire. If you are currently in one and truthfully know that is something you no longer want, I strongly suggest that you make a decision to yourself first and declare that you deserve more because you really do!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- The Relationship Is Now a Situationship - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- How To Move Forward When He Lets Go But You're Still Holding On ... ›
- 5 Love Lessons I've Learned From Being In A Situationship ... ›
- You Haven’t Set Boundaries with the People You Both Share - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- You May Need a Five-Year Plan for Your Relationship - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- The Truth About Your “Situationship”: When And Whether To End It ... ›
- The Truth About Situationships ›
- Your Situationship Breakup Is Real—Here's How to Handle It | SELF ›
- The Truth About Situationships | Urban dictionary, Truth ... ›
- Unofficially dating? 13 concerning signs you're in a "situationship" ›
RELATED
When I asked a few women I know if they ever tried that before, I was surprised to discover that not only had they, but many didn’t treat it as some random social media fad — they actually still do it to this day. Partly, because it’s fun to them and partly because their partner(s) seem to go crazy for it.
Listen, any time something sexual works like a charm, I’m going to shout it out — (late) trend or not. And so, if you’ve never heard of the whole coconut thing, you tried it and forgot all about it, or you just want to try something new/different/else tonight — here’s a reminder, in article form, that coconut-ting is still alive and well, y’all. And the men are all about it!
But First, The Grapefruit Technique
Video Credit: Myem/YouTube (Funny part starts at 2:40)
If this woman is not familiar to you on sight, you ain’t a real one. LOL. Although I know that a lot of people think that the concept of grapefruiting came from the movie Girls Trip (you can see the clip from the film here) that absolutely is not the case. Auntie Angel (whose real name is reportedly Denise Walker) is the creator of the Grapefruit Technique and although I thought that this video came out way earlier, apparently it made its way onto the YouTube streets sometime back in 2014.
If for some reason, you’re not familiar with grapefruiting on any level, I will tell you right now that I had to download this video because it is absolutely NSFW — so you should probably watch it on your lunch break (on your phone with the volume as low as possible) or at home…because chile, the sound effects? Whew, the sound effects. LOL. However, when I sat down to pen this piece, I thought it was hilarious that this video is what immediately came to mind because it seems like, when it comes to “blow his mind sex hacks,” fruit is constantly on the menu.
When it comes to oral sex, it’s grapefruit.
When it comes to ride ‘em cowgirl, it’s a coconut.
What Is the “Coconut” Sex Trend?
@windy_moraba #duet with @mysteri0us.gir1 spell coconut with your waist 😂😂😂
Okay, so what in the world does a coconut have to do with intercourse? Well, for starters, if you and your partner are looking for an all-natural lubricant, coconut oil works well. HOWEVER, do keep in mind that the disclaimer on this is you shouldn’t use it if condoms are in the mix because they can actually cause rubbers to be less effective (silicone lube is a solid bet for condoms, by the way).
There is another way that coconuts are kinda-sorta incorporated when it comes to making sex more pleasurable — and it actually became pretty popular right after COVID lockdown (2021): spelling C-O-C-O-N-U-T with your hips while you’re on top of your partner.
It’s wild how I forgot all about this until a client of mine was telling me how much her husband liked her on top while it wasn’t her favorite thing to do because it felt awkward to her. When I said, “Have you ever heard of spelling ‘coconut’ with your hips before?” — at first, she looked at me like I was crazy and then she busted out laughing: “Girl, no” was her reply.
Hmph. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it because, as wild as it might sound on the surface, the word isn’t the point so much as the movements that come with spelling it out are.
When you’re moving your pelvis around to make a “c,” “o” or U-turn, not only does it intensify the level of sensation that both you and your partner feel during intercourse, it can also increase the level of blood circulation to both of your genitalia which can make your orgasms more satisfying too.
At the end of the day, spelling “coconut” is simply reminding you that there are more options to riding than simply sitting there while your partner pumps for all he’s worth or you humping up and down like you’re on a pogo stick.
Spelling “coconut” is an easy hack to bring some variety into cowgirling. However…
Honestly, the “Fruit” Isn’t the Point. THIS IS.
GiphyFrom grapefruiting and spelling “coconut” to reading articles that I’ve penned for the platform like “How To Improve The Taste Of Sperm” — fruit and sex are always going to be a winning combination, one way or another. However, the main point of this article isn’t about making sure that you are a master speller so much as providing you with tips that will make the cowgirl position something that you are confident about and you find a ton of fulfillment in doing.
You can make both of these things happen by incorporating the following things:
Stretch beforehand. A charley horse during sex is the worst thing ever — and chile, don’t let it be right before you’re about to climax. SMDH. Yeah, if you want to feel more comfortable when you’re on top, make sure that you stretch beforehand and that you are well-hydrated. That will reduce the chances of experiencing a totally-out-of-nowhere muscle spasm — whether you decide to “spell” during sex or…not.
Bring pillows into the mix. Sometimes riding is a challenge because your partner feels farther away from your body than you would like. Putting a pillow underneath him can help to elevate his pelvis, so that you don’t feel like you’re stretching and straining. Speaking of pillows, a longer one can really come in handy because it can give your knees some additional support as well.
Also, ask him to put his knees up. Speaking of making the “grind” easier for you, ask your partner to put his knees up. That way, your back can recline on his legs as you’re moving your hips around. You’d be amazed how much this one hack can do for you. Straight up.
Add lube. When you get a chance, check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant” and you will automatically see why bringing lubrication into a cowgirl session is an absolute must. It reduces friction. It makes your movements glide with ease. And it’s just more fun. Promise you that.
Lean in. If your partner happens to be on the larger side of life, one way that you can control his depth is by leaning forward into him. That way, your hips can better control how much or little he is inside of you, so that you can get into a position that gives you the sensation that you are looking for.
Get him to multitask. Again, whether you are spelling “coconut” or not and whether you are riding cowgirl or reverse cowgirl — something that is awesome about being on top is it frees your partner’s hands to do, umm, other things. And since it is so much easier to have an orgasm while your clitoris is being stimulated, get your partner to put some of the lube that we discussed earlier on his fingertips, so that he can gently rub on your clitoris while you are riding him. It doesn’t get much better than that!
Don’t wanna spell? Hula Hoop then. What if you try the whole coconut thing and it’s not a favorite for you (or him)? No problem — when’s the last time that you hula hooped? Pretend that you have one of those around your hips and move around that way. I’d be shocked if you ended up feeling “meh” about that option.
5 Guys Tell Me What They Love When Their Partner Is on Top
GiphyA part of the reason why I am “team cowgirl” is because it provides a lot of benefits to the woman: she has more control, it tends to be more comfortable for her, it’s a great position for a quickie and the orgasms tend to be that much more — wonderful. However, as I was thinking about spelling coconut, in general, I couldn’t help but wonder what guys thought about it and the cowgirl position overall.
If you’re curious, here’s what five of ‘em said.
1. Braxford. Engaged. 35. “Y’all be spelling up there? Who knew? My favorite thing about when my fiancée is on top is what I think every man likes: the view. It’s a chance to see her entire body and experience it at the same time. Not even doggy style accomplishes that. Damn, where’s my lady at?”
2. Denez. Single. 42. “Do you know how many ‘spots’ you have access to when y’all are on top? Breasts are in my mouth. Hickeys are on her neck. Prop my head up on a pillow and her tummy is getting licked. When a woman is riding you, it’s sensory overload! It’s crazy how each one looks amazing in that position too.”
3. Omar. In a Serious Relationship. 29. “[He said her name yet I’m not going to share it] isn’t a very vocal lover. Her body and technique are insane, so even though I love dirty talk, I’ve learned to compromise — except when she’s on top. She’s not saying much but those moans? And yeah, we tried the coconut thing. ‘Cs’ and ‘Os,’ hell yeah. ‘Ns’ and “Ts’? Nah.”
4. Nolen. Single. 45. “45 isn’t old but it’s old enough for your back to show out on you when you least expect it. My experience has been that women don’t want a lot of thrusting when they are on top, so it’s like having some of the best sex without having to do much at all. Well, aside from trying not to bust too quickly. I take that back: riding is easy on the body; it’s work on the brain.”
5. Ivan. Married. 37. “I like the spelling sh-t because it switches things up. We make a game out of it by her picking a word and spelling out while I try and guess what it is. We also try to see how many words that we can get to before one of us cums. 12 words is pushing it unless it’s like ‘dog’ or ‘cat’ or something. I’ve guessed ‘coconut’ a few times and I get what the excitement is all about. Spelling bee sex: try it.”
Yep. I concur.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Giphy