

A couple of years ago, I met a guy through a friend that seemed very well put-together. He had a Bachelor's and Master's degree, worked a great full-time job, loved the Lord, was practicing abstinence and more. Ultimately, he seemed like such a great guy but it was to the point that he seemed "too good to be true".
After initially meeting him, I asked my friend who introduced us, a question, "Why is that man still single?" I had a difficult time wrapping my head around how a brotha that was as suitable as him was not yet taken. My mind quickly ran with an assumption that something must be secretly wrong with him. That assumption caused me to become closed off towards the idea of anything being more than a friendship; so I self-sabotaged things.
I can boldly admit that I was not ready to receive a good man looking back at how I rationalized things.
Thank God for healing and growth!
Throughout my singleness journey, I have been known to be a bit aggressive with my questions, extremely guarded with my emotions and very blunt. I got tired of being a closed-off woman, so I decided to no longer ask a man why he was single but rather what he has been doing during his singleness. The reason for that change was because I got a taste of my own medicine.
A couple of weeks after meeting the guy I previously mentioned, our mutual friend shared with me that he thought that something must be wrong with me because I was still single. Apparently, I came off as being "too good to be true" in his eyes. After discovering his assumption, I was highly offended by his false claim. At that time, I was single for about two years and took relationships very seriously so I was in no rush to just jump into anything for the sake of a title. In addition, those two years were filled with a lot of learning about self, mistakes made due to picking poorly, and I was diving deeper into my blogging. As you can see, my singleness was not an unfruitful one. So I could not see how I could be labeled as being "hazardous" from a man who had no idea what my journey consisted of. It was at that moment during my hissy fit that I realized that I was a total hypocrite.
Here I was getting highly upset for being labeled as 'broken' when I was throwing that same label on single men that seemed "too good to be true". It took for me to get a taste of my own medicine to realize that I no longer needed to dish it out to others.
Instead of trying to figure out why a man was single, I began to ask what they have done during their single season. I knew from personal experiences, that my single season consisted of learning how to better interact with men in a healthy manner, as well as the purging, undoing and relearning of multiple things to the extent that I was not in the position to embrace what I always deserved: a good man.
Furthermore, I knew that while walking intentionally in my purpose, I realized that many of the men I met back then were not suitable for me because I was just scratching the surface of what God called for me to do.
In essence, the only thing I needed to be committed to was my healing and purpose. So the decision to be single instead of in a relationship was not because I could get into one, I chose not to because I did not feel led to dive into one. Since I knew the details of my singleness and the various things I endured, I would be ignorant to think that my experience was limited to only women.
Therefore, asking men what they have been doing during their single season was a great way for me to learn more about who they were instead of placing labels that were marked by assumptions. I discovered that some of the guys I met were using their free time to heal through therapy, were working on their degree, focusing on work or, in some cases, they were just living the bachelor life.
Their answer brought some context of what they valued and clarity around where they were as it relates to what they were looking for.
For instance, if a man shared that he spent the past three years focusing on his emotional and mental healing through therapy; then it is safe to assume that he values mental health and takes the investment of self extremely seriously. That revelation was a great way for me to determine if the guy was in a position to receive a good woman. On the other hand, I have met men who have done nothing during their years of singleness and that began to raise a red flag for me.
See, anyone can say that they are single because they cannot find someone that they like but not everyone can really explain the self-work that they have done because some have not done any work at all. By work, it is not limited to only growing in one's career, saving money or buying a house. Sometimes work may require isolation from dating altogether in order to really reflect, heal and grow. I noticed that the men whom I met that were actually productive in a healthy manner were less likely to string me along and beat around the bush about a commitment. Of course, it is essential that I add that this is not a definite for all men but it is certainly the case for most men in my experience.
By granting men the stage to share who they are as it relates to their journey, it eased my anxieties around dating and forced me to realize that a good man most likely will take some time in isolation to do the self-work needed to receive a good woman in various capacities.
As a result, my "gasps" towards meeting a good man that has been single for two or more years greatly decreased and I became less suspicious towards high quality men. All of which has led me to believe that sometimes a good man is not too good to be true if they have utilized their singleness as an opportunity to self-develop.
Are you a member of our xoTribe community? Join us today to get free access to weekly workshops, Mentor Mondays, virtual happy hours with the xoNecole team, personal development coaches, exclusive career opportunities, and an entire archive of digital masterclasses. Most importantly, join a judgment-free sista circle and gain an outstanding network of women committed to elevating their lives and encouraging you to become the best version of yourself. We've saved you a seat at the table! Join Today!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- We Asked 10 Men What Makes A Woman “Wife Material” ›
- Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife ... ›
- Texting Is Not Courting: 5 Reasons Why Courtship Needs A Rebirth ... ›
- If You Hate Being Single, Read This - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- If You're Single & Not Exploring Virtual Dating, It's OK - xoNecole ... ›
- I Hate Being Single, Struggling Being Single - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 10 Men On What Makes A Woman "Wife Material" - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Sick of Family Asking “Why Are You Single?” Here's Your Answer ... ›
- Americans' Views on Dating and Relationships | Pew Research Center ›
- Married Black Men's Opinions as to Why Black Women Are ... ›
- Opinion | Single at 38? Have That Baby - The New York Times ›
- The Reality Of Dating In Your 30s As A Man ›
- Stop Asking Women Why They're Single - Restless Network ›
- Here's why you should stop asking people whether they're married ... ›
- Here's why you shouldn't ask someone why they are single ... ›
Joy is a 2x Author, Empowerment Speaker, and Strategy Coach. Her platform, Speak With Joy, mission is, "To empower and equip Women and Young Adults to speak with JOY despite life's circumstances in the area of FAITH, PURPOSE, and RELATIONSHIPS".
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
Courtesy
Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
Courtesy
Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image courtesy
Meet Kiara Walker: The Bold New Voice Giving Men A Safe Space To Be Real On ‘xoMAN’
Kiara Walker was born to entertain. Her childhood experiences helped shape her destiny as a media personality, and now she’s taking her talents to xoNecole.
A Dallas, Texas native and Atlanta transplant, Walker will host the newest Will Packer Media and xoNecole production, xoMAN podcast. This fresh podcast series provides a platform for authentic and transformative conversations that bridge the gap between the introspection men crave and their real-life experiences.
xoMAN started as an Instagram Live series and is now a full-cast production, with Walker as the host. Initially, she was skeptical about joining as the new host of xoMan. Not because she doesn’t have the chops to thrive in the role, but because coming in on something that wasn’t her original idea initially seemed daunting for the media personality.
However, since she loves a challenge, the CockTales: Dirty Discussionspodcast host embraced the task with an open heart and mind.
Courtesy
“I was like, this is a cool concept, so I’m so glad that they decided to turn it into a podcast,” Walker tells xoNecole. “It’s been interesting to take somebody else’s idea and try to turn it into a thing, put it together, and bring it to fruition. I am anxious, nervous, and all things, but above all, I’m excited.”
When xoNecole's managing editor Sheriden Garrett approached Walker to take on the position, it felt like fate. She had previously attempted to get Garrett on her CockTales platform about six or seven years ago due to her expertise in the love and relationship space.
“I was like, wait, y’all listen to the show? And you want me to host a show where I’m only talking to men? And I’m listening to them and not giving them a hard time? I say that because sometimes I feel like, on my show, I may come off like I don’t even like men," she says.
"I love men, but it can be frustrating sometimes on that platform, social media, and other places when they continue to regurgitate the same rhetoric about what I like to call Twitter topics, like constantly talking about who’s paying as a man, as a woman. You should do this. You should do that…It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
A Howard graduate, Walker almost didn’t enter the world of media after listening to advice from elders who said she would make a great lawyer because she loves to debate topics and sometimes argue (haha).
"It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
After traveling to the nation’s capital to study political science, Walker soon discovered that her only motivation for becoming an attorney was the potential income and witnessing how boss women like Erika Alexander’s Maxine Shaw character on Living Single would look in their suits as career women.
“I realized that this was for real,” she says, studying law at Howard. “This is a lot of work, and when you think about what you do, I was like, this is not a performance, and I just wanted to talk. I wasn’t trying to defend anyone.”
A visit to a fair showcasing the different organizations on Howard’s campus, combined with her affinity for celebrity gossip and entertainment news, ultimately led Walker to explore a radio career. Soon, she auditioned for a show and landed the gig. By the spring semester, she was on the radio, ultimately leading her to switch her major to journalism with a concentration in broadcast news.
Soon after earning her degree in the field, Walker decided she didn’t want to do anything related to hard news. Instead, she became involved in lifestyle content. She used her friends' love of hearing her stories to motivate her to get into podcasting.
The rest is, as they say, history.
“Before podcasts became what they are, I was in a living room with a microphone before ultimately moving to a studio and refining the show. I loved it and knew people were listening because I monitored the analytics and everything," she explains.
"When we decided to do a live show, the show sold out in two weeks, and I was so nervous. I was like, 'Are we ready? Are we gonna be able to sell out this venue?' We didn’t have any sponsorship. We were still independent and had to front the money for everything.”
Courtesy
“When they sold out in two weeks, not only did I price my tickets too low, but I thought, wow, we’ve got something. I was like, people spent money to hear me and my co-host talking about our shitty love lives. This is wild, all from an idea in my head. It made me feel like I was on the right path and encouraged me to stop doubting myself. I have imposter syndrome," she reveals.
"Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do. I love it. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I will continue to have bags under my eyes until the end of time because I’m enjoying it.”
"I have imposter syndrome. Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do."
In between garnering a strong social media presence for her work as a podcast host, lifestyle influencer, and beyond, Walker has managed to use her many gifts and talents, like cooking, and most importantly, giving a strong opinion about the things she does (or doesn’t) believe in to carve out a lane of her own.
As she embarks on this chapter as the host of xoMAN, where she has already spoken with actors Devale Ellis and Skyh Black and Dear Future Wifey podcast host Laterras R. Whitfield, Walker hopes that it encourages people, especially women, to look at their male counterparts from a different perspective.
“I hope that anyone listening can listen to the first few episodes, hear how different each man is, and learn to let down whatever preconceived notions you have about me or a specific man, whoever it is in your life," she says. "Just listen, talk to them, ask them how they feel, and listen with an open mind, without thinking that you already know what the answer is.”
“I just hope that people learn to, again, not put people in boxes and make the other person, whoever it is, men specifically for this show, but sit down and talk with an open mind and listen to understand, not to respond. Help someone feel safe.”
xoMAN officially launches on Tuesday, June. 17.
Feature image courtesy