What Guarding Your Heart Is NOT & How To Understand What It Is
In 2015, I trekked into Manhattan after work for a date in The Village. I remember how my face held a permanent smile almost the entire time. He had been thoughtful enough to plan a surprise-filled date. He held the door for me and stepped to the outside as we walked down the street. I immediately saw that he was intelligent and kind, well-traveled, and funny. From the first words spoken, he doted on me and I wanted that feeling more than I wanted to deal with the other less-glamorous realities.
I put the red flags on the backburner. I had no interest in what was going to happen down the road, I wanted the right now. I wanted to keep enjoying spending time with a man who (finally) thought the world of me and actually showed it.
It took two months for things to unravel. His abandonment issues, lack of trust, and addictions boiled over and brought the short-lived relationship to a heightened and final end. I was crushed even though we'd only been dating for a short while.
The writing was on the wall early on but I'd left my heart way too open and my head on a shelf. It took falling too fast a few too many times to really get the hang of guarding my heart and contrary to popular belief it's freer and much more intentional than we've been taught.
Guarding Your Heart 101
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." (Proverbs 4:23 NIV)
Contextually, this nugget of wisdom is applicable to all aspects of life. However, it has especially been embraced in dating and relationships. We love to instruct each other to guard our hearts. The only problem is, we misshapen what that actually means.
Imagine you're driving through one of your favorite alluring neighborhoods on a sunny day. The streets are lined with masterfully trimmed oak trees and the homes tower above you.
As you drive, you notice the newest home setting back off of the road. You can tell it's nearly finished but you can't see all the details you were able to see for months prior during its construction; a gate has been erected surrounding the property. As you pass, you strain to see how those floor to ceiling windows turned out but the gate obstructs your view. You're a bit annoyed but simultaneously in awe of such a beautiful home. I used to immediately and exclusively view the gate as a defensive force to keep out the inevitably bad people and things ready to take advantage of a beautiful new property. While that assessment isn't wrong, it is incomplete.
The Purposes of Guarding Your Heart
- To keep out the people, things, and experiences that mean harm.
- To allow in all of the people, things, and experiences that mean well.
- To set a standard so others know how they must approach or (if their intentions aren't aligned) not to approach at all.
- To protect your focus and freedom.
To many, guarding our hearts is a manipulative game of cat-and-mouse, always calculating to make sure that at best we don't get hurt and at worst we hurt them first. This actually robs us of the ability to guard our hearts. Being more concerned with never getting hurt than with experiencing life and love fully and wisely, pushes us toward romantic extremism and self-sabotage.
Many of us are blind to the reality that what we do to protect ourselves, the poorly intentioned gates we erect to keep hurt out, actually leave us open to more hurt than we could imagine. Those gates may keep out some hurt, but when that is our only intention, we prevent love and relationship and wonder and happiness and creativity and our futures from flowing in.
How To Purposefully & Intentionally Guard Your Heart
For others of us - like my former self - guarding our hearts is the hardest thing in the world to do because we're so starved for affection, affirmation, and attention that we think it's love the first time the possibility presents itself. We don't temper our excitement with a critical eye, prayer, or wise counsel. We write off red flags as things that can be fixed later instead of warnings.
We doom ourselves to becoming the architects of our own broken hearts because we have not mastered wisdom in love and life.
Guarding your heart is:
- Being so spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically in tune with yourself, God, and others that you can see/feel clear what is meant for you and what is not.
- The ability to accept what is best for you even when you don't necessarily want it and the ability to let go of what will bring nothing good to your life no matter how much it intrigues you.
- An act of intercession on your own behalf.
- The mastery of discipline.
- A current choice for a long-term reward.
Guarding your heart is the discernment and proactivity that allows you to experience life and love for what they are and not what you want them to be. Guarding our hearts healthily allows us to feel what we need to feel when we go through the tough stuff. It allows us to be able to process it with clarity in God's presence and the company of those who love us instead of isolating.
Inside of wisely-intentioned heart-guarding stands a belief in your worth and your choices. This will allow you the freedom to walk away from anything that does not serve your best self with no feeling of loss or regret.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Ashley is a storybuilder and storyteller who writes and produces to inform, connect, encourage and evoke. Vibe with her on Twitter/Instagram: @ashleylatruly.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty