

I'm pretty sure that, at this point, it's pretty safe to say we've all heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same things while expecting a different result. But I can't help but wonder how many of us apply this to our dating situations.
Take this one woman I know. Around every six months or so, she hits me up on email to tell me that she's met the perfect guy for her. I've been receiving these kinds of messages for at least a decade now, so the dialogue is usually the same.
Me: "How long have you known him?"
Her: "A few weeks."
Me: "What's so awesome about him?"
Her: "We just have a connection. It's hard to explain but I think this is it."
Me: "You already know what I'm gonna ask you right? Have you slept with him yet?"
Her: "Yeah. But this time is different."
Me: *crickets*
Fast forward to a few months later…
Her: "Well, it looks like things aren't gonna work out after all."
Me: "What happened?"
Her: "He says that I'm too intense and that he's not ready for anything serious."
Me: SMH
Usually, she'll end her email with something along the lines of men are jerks and she wonders if she'll ever find true love. She's not exceptional in this case. I know a lot of women who feel the same way. But as someone who is not new to this kind of rodeo ride, there is a big part of me that wonders if some of us are jumping to generalized conclusions about men simply because we're not willing to look within.
What I mean by that is, I wonder if the real issue isn't that we can't find good guys, but it's more like we keep dating the same person over and over again. Sure, each man may look different but at the end of the day, could it be that we're caught up in a cyclic form of an emotional hamster wheel without even recognizing it?
If there's a part you wonders if you're lumping all men together because you keep dating the same kinds of guys, here are some telling signs to look out for.
6 Signs You Keep Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again
1.You Always Seem to Break-Up With Guys For The Same Reason(s)
Break-ups hurt. Remembering them do too. I totally get that. But if you want to get to the root of whether or not you keep dating the same guy (or type of guy), purposeful reminiscing can actually do you some long-term good.
Take out a sheet of paper and think back to your last five relationships (or situationships). Now try and be as unbiased as possible as you write down the reasons why things came to an end. Were they scared to commit? Did you find yourself doing most of the work? Was there a lot of sexual chemistry, yet not enough of an emotional connection?
When I think back to a constant in a lot of my relationships, if there's one thing that was a common thread for me, it's feeling like I was being taken for granted. Yet when I stepped back and thought about how I got there, each and every time, I had to accept that I was willing to do a lot without requiring certain things in return.
It wasn't until I relived the break-ups that I realized that I kept attracting the same kind of guy because I never processed the common thread that connected them all.
2.You Never Make Time For Self-Evaluations
One of the toughest parts about being in marriage life coaching sessions is when one person thinks that their marriage would be fine if only their spouse made some changes. Not only is that pretty arrogant, but it's pretty self-delusional too.
None of us like to hear this, but if there's one thing that all of our exes have in common with us is us. That said, what were some of the words that the men in your life used to describe you? Needy? Controlling? Impatient? Insecure? Emotionally unstable? Suffocating? Petty? Relationships are mirrors. Sometimes they show us some of the very things we don't want to see about ourselves.
I'll give you an example. Let's say that you seem to always attract narcissists or sociopaths. Something that those kinds of men look for in a woman is insecurity, the fear of confronting matters, and the propensity for excessive people-pleasing. If you're wondering why you're always feeling manipulated or drained in your relationships, have you ever thought about if you have some of those traits?
If you're trying to figure out why you keep dating the same kind of individual, first, identify what kind of men you've been dealing with. Then look at what weaknesses they are drawn to (Psychology Today is one site that provides a wealth of wisdom on topics like these). If you have some of those qualities, remember — you can't change other people, but you can always improve upon yourself.
Sometimes just a little bit of self-evaluating and adjusting can be all that you need to break certain dating patterns and cycles.
3.You’re A Poor “Relationship Editor”
Whew, times flies! I can't believe that it's been over 20 years now since Juanita Bynum laid us all out with her sermon "No More Sheets". Out of all of the hot points that she hit, the one that has always stayed with me is the fact that we'll oftentimes miss someone from our past simply because we only replay the good times (including the good sex) in our heads. It's like we're wired to subconsciously edit out the heartaches, disappointments, and betrayals.
This is just one more reason why we can find ourselves dating the same kind of dude. If you're always finding yourself with a seductive cheater but every time you think back to your exes, you only remember how charming and romantic they were…see how that can result in you constantly being with someone who has the same attributes and the same character flaws?
If you don't want to date the same guy, be intentional about not editing out the bad stuff from each of the past ones. It's the bad stuff that teaches the real and lasting lessons so that we can grow.
4.You’re (Far Too) Comfortable With Routines And Patterns
Sadly, some of us would rather stay in something that is, at best counterproductive and, at worst toxic simply because it's familiar to us. Sure, you might not like being involved with guys who are not attentive or aren't as proactive as you might like but at least you know how to deal with those kinds of dudes. Right?
I'll raise my hand in this class and say that I used to have a real knack for getting involved with my male friends. To me, I thought it was "safe" because at least I knew they cared about me. But a guy caring about you vs. loving you so much that he doesn't want to be without you are two totally different things.
For a long time, I wasn't in love with myself, so I attracted men who felt the same way. They cared about me about as much as I did (some of y'all will catch that later).
The gal I referenced at the beginning of this piece? Her pattern is smothering guys too soon and confusing great sex for a solid connection. Intellectually, she knows that she deserves more. But she's settled for so long that she'd rather stick with what she knows than be alone.
It might sound cray-cray, but it's an epidemic, the number of women who do the exact same thing as her and me.
5.You Start New Relationships With Rose-Colored Glasses On
The last man I loved was a chronic — and I mean, CHRONIC — commitment-phobe. But because he also had so many awesome attributes, I overlooked that fact — for years. When it got to the point where we knew we had a solid connection and I also knew that he was too emotionally immature and unstable to establish anything solid and lasting, why did I stay…for as long as I did? Because I chose to ignore the blaring red flag that was staring me dead in my face.
Why did I do that? Because rather than say, "Shellie, you want a husband and he's terrified of commitment. So, even though he's a great guy, the two of you should probably just be good friends", what I told myself was, "He's got some great husband qualities, so I'll love him through his phobia of long-term commitments until he changes."
In other words, I saw only what I wanted to see. That's what rose-colored glasses are designed to do. If you don't want to keep dating the same guy over and over again, look at ALL of a man — not just the good parts.
6.The Thought Of Doing Something Different Totally Freaks You Out
It's amazing, the words we commonly use that we think we know the definitions for that we probably don't. Take the word "different". It means unusual and several and separate and not alike in character.
If all of the guys you meet are online, let a friend set you up. If all the guys you go out with, you sleep with after the fifth date, wait longer. If you only go for tall, dark and handsome, consider slightly shorter, cinnamon and hella cute. If your dating life has been going the same way ever since you can remember, step out and try something a little unusual.
I'm telling you, sometimes guys get a bad rap because we speak in generalizations about them. And that's because we're only dating one type of guy. If any of this resonated, even a little bit, stop dating the same man in a different body.
For the sake of your sanity, break your old patterns and try something new. There's no tellin' what kind of man is on the other side of your hamster wheel if you do. #realtalk
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
Courtesy
So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
Courtesy
What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Feature image courtesy
The millennial in me is nostalgic at best...and at worst, deeply, deeply yearning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the past.
In the days of old, community was never hard to find. It was a knock on the door from a neighborhood friend who needed no invitation. It was trading jokes over lunch and lingering strolls after the final bell. It was choir practice on Saturdays and giggling in the pews on Sundays.
The love was free and plentiful, and my cup runneth over.
But there was a certain rhythm to the ’90s and early 2000s. People were ever-present in the most ordinary ways, and fortunately, this followed me well into adulthood. The door knocks have since turned into tequila shots, and brunch on Sundays became my new sanctuary, but you know...same thing!
However, life has changed drastically, and with it, so have we. Sometimes by force (2020..no other words needed, amirite), and other times by the natural, inevitable flow of growing up.
As we age, our identities become more defined. And while the people we’ve always loved still matter deeply, we start to crave new connections and experiences that reflect who we’re becoming.
When COVID reared its ugly head, not only did it disrupt the lives we knew, it pushed us to reevaluate the lives we want… and the people we want in them. For many, it exposed a loneliness that had already been there beneath the surface. It made space for questions we hadn’t slowed down to ask: What do I truly enjoy? Who do I feel most myself around?
After months of quarantine and isolation, we were left craving connection in a deeper, more intentional way. This sparked a renewed interest in “the third space.”
Coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg, the term refers to those places beyond home (first space) and work (second space) where people gather, build relationships, and foster community. Think coffee shops, libraries, dance studios, run clubs, and other environments that offer connection outside of our daily obligations.
My own desire to find like-minded folks has only intensified over the past few years. And as a self-proclaimed medicine woman and wellness enthusiast, I went looking for spaces that felt good, and found more than a few.
So if you're in NYC and searching for places that feed your spirit (and tend to your interests), consider this your starter guide. Whether it's a wellness club, a run group, or a kickball league, these third spaces might just feel like home.
A Safe Space Mentor
My Shaylaaa.
What started out as a simple offering from founder Teya Knapp has grown into one of the most intentional, heartfelt communities I’ve had the privilege to be part of. Together with COO Jasmine Dayze, they have cultivated more than a collective—it’s a movement rooted in community care, softness, and restoration.
A nonprofit centered on mental health advocacy and equity, A Safe Space Mentor has redefined the possibilities of communal healing. With over 22 fully funded retreats to date (yes, free), monthly programs ranging from support groups and hikes to pottery classes, free therapy, and now a physical home at A Safe Place Studios, they’ve built an ecosystem where people can show up fully and be accepted just as they are.
I came across them by chance, but as fate would have it, it allowed me to bloom in ways I never saw coming, surrounded by women who affirm and love me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’m serious, ya’ll. Even at the risk of sounding dramatic: expect to be changed, to find friends, possibly even family, and maybe a group chat, too.
Beyond their no-cost offerings, they also host weekly yoga and meditation classes, massages, and more. Learn more about this beautiful space here, and keep an eye out for their upcoming Juneteenth gathering.
NARC
Who needs Hinge when there’s a run club? (Kidding... kind of.)
NARC, short for Not a Run Club, is technically a run club but with a twist. Co-founded by Omari Ross and Noah Hutchins, NARC takes a holistic approach to fitness and community. Picture track workouts, dynamic circuits, core finishers, followed by a post-workout brunch with the crew. Sure, the occasional match may be made, but at its core, NARC is about connection, movement, and showing up for yourself and others.
It’s the kind of space where most people arrive solo but rarely leave without a new friend or a new perspective. And personally? I never tire of seeing Black men love on one another out loud.
If you’re looking for a solid sweat (not gonna lie, it gives Olympic training at times), laughs, and folks that show up rain or shine, they’ve got you. Beyond the track, they also host boxing classes, hot yoga sessions, social mixers, and a number of other events. NARC meets every Saturday at McCarren Park at 10 a.m. unless otherwise noted. Learn more here.
The Music Nerds
My favorite part about The Music Nerds? The DJ. Scene Serene, a former music journalist turned vibe curator, created this club out of pure love for music and the Black people who create it. And that love is felt in every detail.
Past functions have celebrated Kendrick Lamar, Black women in music, and Virginia legends, each thoughtfully crafted to tell a story through sound. Here, you’re not just dancing, you’re feeling, remembering, and reflecting, too. Additionally, she kicks off each event with icebreaker quote cards to spark conversation, because the vibe isn’t just in the music; it’s also in the people.
That sense of connection comes full circle in her choice of venues, which are always Black-owned spaces that feel safe and inclusive for all Black folk. After all, if we don’t support each other, who will?
This isn’t just a party. It’s a celebration of culture, connection, and Black joy…and yes, it’s free! She’s cooking up some magic for the summer, so follow her here to stay in the loop.
SociaLight Social Club
For the anti-social socialite or the extrovert who wants a little more intimate play, the SociaLight Club might be your sweet spot.
Nayah, the founder, is all about curating intimate, low-pressure gatherings that bring people together through random yet delightful activities, all while supporting Black-owned businesses in the process.
From coworking days to supper clubs and nights building LEGOs, it’s the kind of space where you can show up as you are and end up discovering new people and new passions. It’s chill, it’s intentional, and very much a vibe. Keep up with her events here.
Recess Kickball League
Black folks deserve to frolic, dilly-dally, and straight-up play. And that’s the spirit behind Recess Kickball League. Though kickball is the anchor, it’s really about reclaiming joy through movement and connection.
Founded by five friends during the lockdowns of 2020 (Emmanuel Maduakolam, Christopher Thomas, Cris Jones, Daemon “Tubbs” Krueger, and Ermias Tessema), the club started as a way to get outside and let loose, and now it’s blossomed into a thriving community with leagues in both LA and Brooklyn.
If you’ve been looking for field day vibes and opportunities to love on your inner child, keep up with them here.
The Free Black Women’s Library
Tucked in the heart of Bed-Stuy, The Free Black Women’s Library is a cozy nook that centers Black women and holds space for book lovers, creatives, and community-builders alike.
Founded by OlaRonke Akinmowo, it functions as more than a library but a cultural hub. While every book is written by a Black woman or non-binary author, she also hosts grief workshops, writing circles, and curated events that honor both healing and imagination, too. Their monthly calendar is packed with offerings that meet you where you are, celebrating who we are and who we’re becoming.
And the best part? You don’t have to buy a book, you can swap one. Bring something you’ve read, and leave with something new. Keep up with them here.
Peak & Pace
This one’s for the runners and the lovers. If you’re looking to meet your future bae who’s into fitness and a good Sunday reset, Peak & Pace might just be your new favorite link.
Founded by London native Owen Akhibi after relocating to NYC, the club was born out of something a lot of us know too well: feeling a little lonely in a big city. So he created a space that brings people together who just so happen to run.
Every meetup ends with a social, and some runs come with fun themes like wearing flags repping your country to wristbands signaling your relationship status (lovers tap in!). Off the track, they host yoga, comedy nights, parties, and other events to build real connections. They meet every Saturday at Prospect Park at 10 a.m. Tap in with them here.
Free Peace Meditation Club
Free Peace Meditation Club offers a rare pause in the middle of NYC’s bustling Lower East Side, encouraging folks to be still in the midst of chaos while finding beauty in it, too. What began as a simple conversation between Kenji Summers and Angelo Baque has blossomed into a welcoming sanctuary where New Yorkers gather to unplug, recenter, and recharge.
Hosted monthly at the artfully decorated Awake NY, this community-driven experience invites participants to reconnect through guided reflection, mindful breathwork, and thoughtfully curated music that features the rich sounds of New York’s rap, R&B, and jazz artists. FPANYMC stands as a powerful affirmation that stillness is not a luxury but an essential practice. Keep up with them here.
Knot Okay Club
This one’s for the soft girls, the creatives, and anyone who’s ever needed to crochet their stress away.
Knot Okay Club brings Black women and non-binary folks together through fiber arts. It’s about slowing down, making something with your hands, and feeling held while you do it. The work might be small and intentional, but the connection? That’s the magic. Learn more about them here.
Girls That Gather
Lauren Franco started Girls That Gather after moving to NYC and realizing just how hard it can be to find genuine connections as an adult.
What began as a way to bring women together has grown into a go-to space for meaningful conversation and real friendship. From curated dinner parties to small, cozy events, everything is designed to feel easy and intentional. No awkward networking energy, just good vibes and even better people. Learn more about them here.
Adanne Bookshop
Adanne is one of those places that makes you want to linger.
Tucked away in Brooklyn and owned by educator Darlene Okpo, this Black woman-owned bookshop is as intentional as it is inviting. The books are curated with care, the energy is warm, and the events, from author talks to community gatherings to incense-making, always leave you a little more full than when you walked in.
It’s not just a bookstore; it’s a cultural anchor. Check out their events here.
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Featured image by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash