This Hack Can Instantly Get You Out Of A Bad Mood
One day, while talking to someone in my family about another relative, they said something that I immediately filed away as "Don't be that woman." They said, "[So-and-so] is beautiful, intelligent and really talented but I still don't like being around her. It's like literally walking on eggshells because she's so moody that you don't know who you're dealing with at any given moment." Whew. Y'all, the older I get, the more I realize that the three words that mean a lot to me are "safe", "stable" and "consistent".
None of us are perfect. This means that all of us are gonna have moments when we show out, times when we disappoint others, and days that are not so good. But in many ways, when it comes to being a moody person, there are things that can be done to prevent that from being a constant or "the norm".
If you find yourself being on an emotional roller coaster more than you'd like or someone in your world tries to pull you into theirs, I'm going to share some of the things that gets us into a bad mood in the first place (because when you know the root of something, you can oftentimes change it), along with a cool hack that I read about that can help you to snap out of a bad mood, pretty quickly.
What Is a Bad Mood? What Causes One?
For the record, let me just say that the kind of bad mood that I'm going to tackle isn't one that is linked to clinical depression or even semi-severe hormonal shifts like menopause or a thyroid disorder. Those are things that need the care of a physician and sometimes a reputable therapist. I'm talking about when you're going about your life, feeling pretty good, and then you're just…not. As a direct result, that causes you to be hypersensitive and/or irritable and/or snappy and/or combative and/or just not a lot of fun to be around. When this happens, what is that really all about?
Well, let's first address this from a physical standpoint. If you consume a lot of sugar and/or caffeine, that could put you in a bad mood because both are stimulants that can cause your energy levels to spike and then crash. Being sleep-deprived can put you in a bad mood because sleep is what provides you with the fuel that you need to get through your day. If you're not spending any time in the sun, that could put in you in a bad mood because, well, a lack of Vitamin D is linked to mood swings. Being dehydrated can put you in a bad mood. Not getting enough sex can put you into a bad mood (because sex is a de-stressor and semen is a literal antidepressant). Working too hard or too much can put you into a bad mood because we're not designed to constantly be overwhelmed.
Now let's get into the psychological side of things. Not learning what your triggers are and how to deactivate them can put you in a bad mood because you're not able to get a hold of your feelings. Suppressing emotions can put you in a bad mood because you're deflecting instead of validating them. Choosing to not forgive can put you in a bad mood because the person who hurt/harmed you is continuing to take up space in your life—even if it's just your memories (memories that pop up at the most random times). Not asking for what you need—and then requiring those things in your close relationships—can put you in a bad mood because it can have you feeling like you don't matter to those around you. Keeping toxicity in your life can put you in a bad mood because poisonous people are unstable AF. Living your life for others instead of yourself can put you in a bad mood because…I'm hoping that is pretty self-explanatory. They have their life (your parents included). It's selfish for them to think they should hog up yours too.
I know that I only provided 10 things that could be connected to causing a bad mood; however, I'm hoping that if you, as the church folks say, felt any of those in your spirit, it can help you to work through your issues so that "being in a mood" doesn't have to be your constant reality. Yet I did want to address one other thing that could result in a bad mood. Something that goes overlooked far too often and actually helps the hack that I'm about to share make more sense.
One of the Best Hacks for Getting Out of a Bad Mood Is…
Something that I do on the daily is peruse the internet. Recently, I checked out the article, "The New Way to Reverse Even Your Worst Mood". Something that the author (Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D.) shared was the fact that something that Trump (insert all sorts of side-eye and gagging here) caused to be at an all-time high in this country is authoritarianism which she defined as being someone who "tends to show unquestioning submission to people in power, a desire to punish people who don't conform to 'conventional' values, and an unwavering adherence to a set of narrowly-defined moral and religious norms". That's a long way of saying that Trump power tripped, which caused others to follow suit (folks tend to be sheep far more than they realize. Be careful who you allow to influence you. Protect your light).
Anyway, as a direct result, it caused people to become some totally out-of-pocket control freaks. They try and make everything go their way, the pressure of that feeling makes them anxious, if not straight-up angry, which ultimately leads to another thing that can trigger a bad mood. What can someone do about this? Well, the hack that the author provided was to take some time out to ponder what part of your personality is triggered by your anxiety/anger so that you can figure out what you can do to immediately de-stress. For instance, if you are someone who really likes order and your co-worker keeps a messy desk, that could put you in a bad mood and maybe even want to clean it up (or at least reprimand them for it). However, now that you know what's up, what can you do to calm down while still respecting their space?
The author has a good point. Still, I want to provide a bit of a twist to this. If you can absolutely say that what tends to put you into a bad mood the most is being pissed because something feels out of control that you want to control, my hack is so simple that it's probably gonna annoy you, so let me say "sorry" in advance.
Simply ask yourself two questions. The first one is, "Why am I even letting this thing influence me this way?" because sometimes, getting to the root of this one inquiry will make you realize that you really and truly are sweating the small stuff. The second question is, "Can I control 'this' or not?" And by "control" what I mean is do you have the power—without dishonoring someone else's personal space and right to make their own choices, because oftentimes what we want to control is someone else—to make significant changes when it comes to this particular person, place, thing or idea? Actually, there is one more question—"Do I have the time, effort and energy to invest into making these changes and do I foresee it all being for the better in the long run if I do?"
I have shared before that I am a control freak in recovery. I know that mine stems from growing up in a household of control freaks. Until I got free, I didn't know any better. And so, for instance, when I'm counseling someone and they are doing something that really drives me up the wall and I'm tempted to try and "force the matter" or "rush a change", I remember those three questions while also keeping in mind that it is their life, not mine. Yes, they are coming for counsel, yet they are still an adult and me wanting to impose my views onto them is more about my ego than ultimately their well-being which means that I'm not doing my job in excellence. Then I remind myself that it makes absolutely no sense to be more focused on someone else's life than my own.
See what I mean? Figuring out why I let something or someone influence me strongly, then asking myself if "it" is something I can control or not and then following that up with thinking about how much of me I really want to invest—can bring clarity. With clarity comes peace and with peace comes a more positive outlook on things.
Is it really that simple? Try it. Because again, a lot of times, when we don't simply say "I'm in a bad mood" but we get down to the nitty gritty of what's going on beneath the surface, we're able to find a solution that makes us feel so much better.
You can control your moods more than you probably think that you can. Keep this in mind the next time you're in a bad one. You might surprise yourself by how quickly you can pull yourself out.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
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1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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