Can Romantic Chemistry Be Created?
Can you imagine landing a dream date with Michael "Bae" Jordan?
He's dressed in his finest Ferragamo suit. He takes you out to an expensive dinner, complete with all of the chivalrous moves like holding the door and pulling out your chair. And to top it off, the shine from his smile is blinding you just enough to occasionally block the view of his dimples, which are literally melting your draws off from underneath your dress. It's perfect. You've landed Hollywood's hottest man candy of the moment.
But, when you go to engage in discussion, you discover he's yellow Starburst material. He thinks that The Weeknd's latest album was garbage, he's never seen The Sixth Sense, and he thinks astrology is a waste of time.
While you're passionately explaining cusps and cardinal signs, you can see his eyes glazing over and it's then that you realize:
You have no chemistry.
Chemistry although often hard to define, is something we all know. It's that "click" you feel with someone, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, that affirms that they're your kind of person. It's a special connection with someone whose mind is equally blown after learning useless trivia like the eye and the vagina are the only self-cleaning organs. And the crazy part about chemistry is that there isn't much else that can make up for it.
All of the six-pack abs, bottom lip-licking in the world doesn't make it effortless to enjoy someone's company.
And the older I get, the more I realize that enjoying someone's company shouldn't require a huge amount of effort. If you're forcing smiles and easily distracted by Instagram, it might be a sign that your energy isn't a good mix.
So y'all know I love me some Married At First Sight, the Lifetime Show where relationship experts match two strangers who based on their lifestyles, interests, and personalities should be a match made in reality TV heaven. The most recent season made me think about chemistry and how much it's played a part in the relationships I've formed. Even with all of the pieces in place, like a shared love of Thai food, insatiable wanderlust, or a slightly unhealthy worship of any music involving Lil' Wayne, what I've learned from MAFS is that what you share in common interests can't make up for what you lack in chemistry.
Molly and Jonathan were one couple featured on the show who, although they had a lot in common, struggled to find chemistry and ultimately decided to go their separate ways. The couple was matched based on qualities and interests they had in common, but decidedly never consummated the marriage and seemed to go from cocktails and light conversation to slut-shaming in a matter of minutes. During the last few episodes, Jon shared that he was just as confused as everyone else why something that seemed to be a perfect match never quite took off:
"I don't know [why it didn't work]. It just didn't work for her at any point, so don't ask me. I was just there."
"Molly and I get along. We can sit in a room, we can go have drinks, we can get along. We are the same person, and so that's where everyone is confused and where Cal is confused. And I'm sitting there like, 'This has been my frustration the whole time.' When she goes, 'I don't like you,' but [I'm thinking], 'I am you!'"
One thing that stands out to me is that being in someone's company isn't the same thing as enjoying their company.
You ever been in a situation where you realize you aren't experiencing something with someone as much as you're just occupying the same space? I recently looked back at a friendship and realized although I had someone I thought was a BFF because we did everything together, we weren't really making any memories together. I thought about the number of times I'd be at a concert singing until my lungs were sore while she scrolled through her phone the entire time. I recalled the jokes I had to explain because she had no context for them. After a while, it became clear to me that the amount of time I spent actually enjoying the friendship didn't nearly measure up to the amount of time I forced myself to make it work.
But what does chemistry look like? In one word: Effortless.
It's not as much about having something in common with someone as it is your ability to balance them. I've dated men who had that Drake charisma going on, and whose looks would momentarily distract from the fact that we didn't have a damn thing to talk about. But in the end, I ended up marrying the guy I fell in love with on a pull out sofa in the living room cracking up over the "Safety Training" episode of The Office. The guy who knows to belt out "North Carolinaaaa!" when I tell my toddler to stop acting like Petey Pablo while she swings her t-shirt over her head. He gets my random references. He knows exactly who I'm throwing shade at when I give him the side eye after we pull up to a light and a dozen people cross. (It's the dude strolling casually like he's too cool to catch some of this windshield when the light turns green).
Most importantly, it's a level of understanding and likeability that doesn't require a whole lot of explanation.
But what if you're like Molly and Jonathan with more bars than a Verizon commercial but somehow still unable to make a connection? Can chemistry be created? Furthermore, do you really need to instantly "click" with someone to go on to have a great relationship?
When it comes to romantic relationships, it depends on your priorities and how hard you want to work for it.
I've had relationships where the attraction wasn't instant, and while they weren't a complete waste, I didn't like the feeling of convincing myself that I should be into a certain person. Chemistry didn't eliminate problems or annoyances in my relationships, but it did make them a hell of a lot easier to get through. It's also worth saying that there are different types of chemistry, you can click with someone's personality although you may not have initially been attracted to them. In addition, you may find yourself sitting across the dinner table from "King Killmonger" himself and feel the mutual butterflies from the waist down.
But ultimately, if the only time you enjoy one another is when you're undressed, you might be limited to your choice of activities in the relationship, and I'm pretty sure shopping for throw pillows butt naked in Target is illegal. There's a reason why we're not all out here getting Nobel Prizes in science. Chemistry is hard, whether you're sitting in a classroom or a coffee shop. And while sparks don't exactly make or break relationships, what I have learned is that relationships are much more enjoyable when it doesn't feel like you're forcing any feelings.
And it's comforting to know that, dimples and all, Michael B. may not be for me if he can't appreciate the genius that is M. Night Shyamalan, but if Winston Duke wants to talk all things Unbreakable, I might have some time.
Featured image by Giphy
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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