

Can you imagine landing a dream date with Michael "Bae" Jordan?
He's dressed in his finest Ferragamo suit. He takes you out to an expensive dinner, complete with all of the chivalrous moves like holding the door and pulling out your chair. And to top it off, the shine from his smile is blinding you just enough to occasionally block the view of his dimples, which are literally melting your draws off from underneath your dress. It's perfect. You've landed Hollywood's hottest man candy of the moment.
But, when you go to engage in discussion, you discover he's yellow Starburst material. He thinks that The Weeknd's latest album was garbage, he's never seen The Sixth Sense, and he thinks astrology is a waste of time.
While you're passionately explaining cusps and cardinal signs, you can see his eyes glazing over and it's then that you realize:
You have no chemistry.
Chemistry although often hard to define, is something we all know. It's that "click" you feel with someone, whether the relationship is romantic or platonic, that affirms that they're your kind of person. It's a special connection with someone whose mind is equally blown after learning useless trivia like the eye and the vagina are the only self-cleaning organs. And the crazy part about chemistry is that there isn't much else that can make up for it.
All of the six-pack abs, bottom lip-licking in the world doesn't make it effortless to enjoy someone's company.
And the older I get, the more I realize that enjoying someone's company shouldn't require a huge amount of effort. If you're forcing smiles and easily distracted by Instagram, it might be a sign that your energy isn't a good mix.
So y'all know I love me some Married At First Sight, the Lifetime Show where relationship experts match two strangers who based on their lifestyles, interests, and personalities should be a match made in reality TV heaven. The most recent season made me think about chemistry and how much it's played a part in the relationships I've formed. Even with all of the pieces in place, like a shared love of Thai food, insatiable wanderlust, or a slightly unhealthy worship of any music involving Lil' Wayne, what I've learned from MAFS is that what you share in common interests can't make up for what you lack in chemistry.
Molly and Jonathan were one couple featured on the show who, although they had a lot in common, struggled to find chemistry and ultimately decided to go their separate ways. The couple was matched based on qualities and interests they had in common, but decidedly never consummated the marriage and seemed to go from cocktails and light conversation to slut-shaming in a matter of minutes. During the last few episodes, Jon shared that he was just as confused as everyone else why something that seemed to be a perfect match never quite took off:
"I don't know [why it didn't work]. It just didn't work for her at any point, so don't ask me. I was just there."
"Molly and I get along. We can sit in a room, we can go have drinks, we can get along. We are the same person, and so that's where everyone is confused and where Cal is confused. And I'm sitting there like, 'This has been my frustration the whole time.' When she goes, 'I don't like you,' but [I'm thinking], 'I am you!'"
One thing that stands out to me is that being in someone's company isn't the same thing as enjoying their company.
You ever been in a situation where you realize you aren't experiencing something with someone as much as you're just occupying the same space? I recently looked back at a friendship and realized although I had someone I thought was a BFF because we did everything together, we weren't really making any memories together. I thought about the number of times I'd be at a concert singing until my lungs were sore while she scrolled through her phone the entire time. I recalled the jokes I had to explain because she had no context for them. After a while, it became clear to me that the amount of time I spent actually enjoying the friendship didn't nearly measure up to the amount of time I forced myself to make it work.
But what does chemistry look like? In one word: Effortless.
It's not as much about having something in common with someone as it is your ability to balance them. I've dated men who had that Drake charisma going on, and whose looks would momentarily distract from the fact that we didn't have a damn thing to talk about. But in the end, I ended up marrying the guy I fell in love with on a pull out sofa in the living room cracking up over the "Safety Training" episode of The Office. The guy who knows to belt out "North Carolinaaaa!" when I tell my toddler to stop acting like Petey Pablo while she swings her t-shirt over her head. He gets my random references. He knows exactly who I'm throwing shade at when I give him the side eye after we pull up to a light and a dozen people cross. (It's the dude strolling casually like he's too cool to catch some of this windshield when the light turns green).
Most importantly, it's a level of understanding and likeability that doesn't require a whole lot of explanation.
But what if you're like Molly and Jonathan with more bars than a Verizon commercial but somehow still unable to make a connection? Can chemistry be created? Furthermore, do you really need to instantly "click" with someone to go on to have a great relationship?
When it comes to romantic relationships, it depends on your priorities and how hard you want to work for it.
I've had relationships where the attraction wasn't instant, and while they weren't a complete waste, I didn't like the feeling of convincing myself that I should be into a certain person. Chemistry didn't eliminate problems or annoyances in my relationships, but it did make them a hell of a lot easier to get through. It's also worth saying that there are different types of chemistry, you can click with someone's personality although you may not have initially been attracted to them. In addition, you may find yourself sitting across the dinner table from "King Killmonger" himself and feel the mutual butterflies from the waist down.
But ultimately, if the only time you enjoy one another is when you're undressed, you might be limited to your choice of activities in the relationship, and I'm pretty sure shopping for throw pillows butt naked in Target is illegal. There's a reason why we're not all out here getting Nobel Prizes in science. Chemistry is hard, whether you're sitting in a classroom or a coffee shop. And while sparks don't exactly make or break relationships, what I have learned is that relationships are much more enjoyable when it doesn't feel like you're forcing any feelings.
And it's comforting to know that, dimples and all, Michael B. may not be for me if he can't appreciate the genius that is M. Night Shyamalan, but if Winston Duke wants to talk all things Unbreakable, I might have some time.
Featured image by Giphy
Writer, sexual health superhero, and #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoy curator regularly featured on @Madamenoire. Toya can usually be found in between her earbuds, listening to trap music and refreshing her browser for concert tickets. Tweet her @thetruetsharee.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
'When You Build It, They Can’t Tell You You Can’t Sit': DJ Miss Milan, Marsai Martin & More Talk Confidence
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit wasn’t just another branded panel event—it was an inspiring, sometimes emotional, and always honest look at what it really takes to rise, thrive, and stay at the top. From Olympians to entrepreneurs, artists to execs, the room was full of powerful women sharing the real stories behind their highlight reels. I walked away moved by their vulnerability, strength, and refusal to dim their light.
Here are some of my favorite takeaways from three standout panels featuring Jordan Chiles, Marsai Martin, and Kandi Burruss.
Leveling Up Your A-Game with Jordan Chiles, Morgan Shaw Parker, Chelsea Fishman, Laura Correnti, and Tabitha Turner-Wilkins
Jordan Chiles
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
Olympic gymnast Jordan may have medals and magazine covers to her name, but her mindset is refreshingly grounded. “The day I finally feel pressure,” she said, “will be the day I know there’s still more for me to learn.” For her, joy—not pressure—is the fuel. Her confidence isn’t performative; it’s rooted in family, self-worth, and authenticity.
“Everything I’ve done in my career—tattoos, long nails, rocking my crew at the Olympics—that’s all me. It’s not because someone told me to do it. It’s because I felt confident doing it. And that’s where my ambition comes from: being my authentic self.”
For Morgan Shaw Parker, President & COO of the Atlanta Dream, the conversation around pressure went even deeper. “Legacy work” is how she described her mission—navigating male-dominated spaces, sometimes pregnant and pumping on NFL team planes. “After COVID and George Floyd,” she shared, “it became clear to me: vulnerability is power. You don’t have to show up perfect to lead.”
Chelsea Fishman, founder of Atlanta's first bar dedicated to women’s sports, Jolene Jolene, shared how the haters (especially the Reddit kind) were her confirmation: “All those comments saying it would fail—those were the signs that I was doing something right.” She’s hosted 25+ watch parties already and is building the very community they said would never come.
This panel also touched on ambition, authenticity, and owning your power—both in sneakers and in suits. One of the best mic-drop moments came when the moderator flipped the question: “What if we stopped making ‘power’ a bad word for women?” A nod-worthy reminder that we’re not here to play small.
Making Your Voice Heard with Marsai Martin, Carol Martin, Miss Milan, and Heather McMahan
Marsai Martin
Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play
This panel was a masterclass in staying grounded while growing up—or glamming up—on the global stage. Actress and producer Marsai talked about what it’s like to show up in high-pressure moments when your confidence is low but the world is still watching. From red carpets to long shoot days, she reminded us that even when you’re not at 100%, you still find a way to push through.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Her mom and business partner Carol Martin dropped gems about motherhood and mentorship: “It’s like teaching your kid to ride a bike over and over again. Now the bike is a movie or a brand.” That balance between guiding and letting go? Not easy—but essential when you’re raising a mogul and running a company.
“There have been days where I wasn’t feeling the best, but I still had to show up on this carpet. Or it was that time of the month, but I still had to go on set. I just didn’t feel as confident—but it’s about how you take care of yourself in those moments and still keep pushing.”
Miss Milan, Grammy Award-winning DJ and Doechii’s right-hand woman, lit the crowd up with her no-nonsense energy. “I built my own table,” she said. “When you build it, they can’t tell you you can’t sit.” From journaling her dreams to manifesting Grammys, her story is one of resilience and intention—and a whole lot of faith in her own vision.
This panel didn’t shy away from hard truths either: the sadness that can come with success, the fear of fading relevance, the criticism that hits differently when it’s personal. But Marsai said it best: know your why. And let it evolve with you.
The Cost of Starting Your Own Business with Kandi Burruss and Nikki Ogunnaike
Kandi Burruss
Carol Lee Rose/ Getty Images for Marie ClaireKandi doesn’t sugarcoat the grind. From chart-topping songwriter to multi-business entrepreneur, she’s built her empire one risk—and one reinvention—at a time.
“Fear equals failure. If you don’t even try, you’ve failed automatically —and you did it to yourself. I’d rather take a risk and lose money than play it safe and never know what could’ve happened.”
She broke down the real costs of entrepreneurship: money, time, and emotional bandwidth. “You think you’re going to work less when you work for yourself?” she laughed. “You’re going to work more.” For Kandi, mommy guilt and financial setbacks are part of the package—but so is the satisfaction of seeing an idea through.
She opened up about scaling back on her clothing store and temporarily closing the original Old Lady Gang location. “It felt like failure,” she admitted, “but sometimes you have to step back to make things better.” Still, she’s not one to quit. She just pivots—with precision.
One of her most memorable reflections? How her music career hiccup led her to songwriting—ultimately writing the mega-hit “No Scrubs.” That song became the key to a new lane and legacy. “You may think you’re working on one dream,” she said, “but it could open the door to another.”
Also? Kandi wants you to stop emailing her from a Gmail. “You’re doing million-dollar business on a bootleg budget,” she joked. “Invest in yourself. Start with a domain name!”
The Marie Claire Power Play Summit was a powerful reminder that ambition, authenticity, and vulnerability aren’t separate traits—they work in tandem. Whether you’re building a bar, a brand, or a business from scratch, the key is to stay rooted in your voice, your story, and your why.
And if you need a sign to go for it? Consider this your green light.
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Feature image by Paras Griffin/ Getty Images for Power Play