

I recently read an article that discussed all of the scientific signs that point to whether a person is falling in love or not. I'm not gonna share all 13 of 'em, but here are the ones that personally stood out to me—elevated levels of dopamine that cause you to focus your attention on someone; spending (wow) 85 percent of your time thinking about that individual; developing strong feelings of empathy for another person; desiring an emotional connection over a sexual one with them and, believing that your "love feelings" are something that you are not able to control. Maybe, but as Chris Rock once said, "You can't control who you love, but you can controlhow you love." That's good food for thought right there.
Why The Third Date Matters
Personally, I'd say that a sign that comes before all of these signs is being open to going on a third date with an individual. Think about it. The first date is an introduction to someone; it's about discovering if there is any kind of chemistry at all. The second date is learning more about one another's intentions, desires and values. By the time both of you have agreed to go on a third date, there is more than physical attraction and surface-level commonalities going on. You both are starting to really like each other, which is the foundation for all healthy relationships. First comes like. Then comes love. Then comes in love (when you get a chance, check out "Like, Love & in Love: How to Really Know the Differences").
But how can you know for sure that your third date is headed somewhere solid and lasting? Although the following five questions are not an exact—pardon the pun—science, I do believe that by presenting them to yourself, you will gain more clarity on whether there should be a fourth date (that could possibly lead to forever)—or not.
Why Did You Start Dating Him in the First Place?
I gotta tell ya that I totally rolled my eyes when I read that one-third of women only agree to go on dates, just so that they can eat for free. That might be "hee hee" on the surface, but how would you feel if you found out that a man was seeing you ONLY so that he could hopefully get some sex out of it at some point? It's never a good idea to use anyone, for any reason. For starters, it puts bad karma out into the universe.
Anyway, the reason why we write so many articles on first dates on this site ("7 Ways to Have an Incredible First Date", "5 Things That Are OK to Require on a First Date", "What to Wear on a First Date", "First Date Rules I'm Not Afraid to Break") is because first impressions are important. It's not just about how a guy sees you and how you see him, it's also about being clear about why you are going on the first date and, if all goes well, you agree to a second and then a third.
There are a lot of people who end up wasting their precious time because they actually desire a relationship while all they are doing is casually dating. And by that, I mean, they are dating with a literal definition of the word "casual" going on—"without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing". So yeah, in order to find out if there should be a fourth date, reflect on why there was a first one to begin with.
Why Do You Keep Wanting to See Him?
He's cute and funny. You have nothing else to do on a Friday night. Your girlfriends are busy this coming weekend. All of these may be the truth about why you are still hanging out with ole' boy, but time, effort and energy are mad precious. Are any of these truly enough of a reason to keep doing it? The answer depends. If all you want to do is fill up space and he feels the same way, carry on. But if you know that you want more than that, after three dates, it's OK to go beyond typical dating conversation. Does he want the same things that you do out of life? Is he looking for a commitment or just a good time? Does he complement the world that you have created for yourself? Do you see clear signs that he will actually improve your quality of life? Is he a wise investment of your time and emotions?
If you are able to answer all of these questions in the affirmative (and remember, some of these answers, you can only come to by asking him, not assuming), then it makes sense to keep moving forward. Just make sure that you're doing so with the two of you walking together rather than you pulling him along (some of y'all will catch that later).
Are There Already Red Flags That You’re Seeing (and Possibly Ignoring)?
It's sad (it really is) that some people are natural narcissists and sociopaths. Because of this, they put forth a lot of effort to remain as charming and "flawless" for as long as they possibly can. But if you're paying close attention and you notice that someone isn't willing to discuss some of their issues or vulnerabilities three dates in, that's already a red flag in my book. I'm not saying that they need to pull out their credit report or tell you about every fight they've had with their ex; I'm just saying that someone who seems too good to be true or someone who seems to be hiding something, usually is.
If you're new to looking for red flags early on in a relationship, I penned some of them here. Aside from those, feel fine putting your eyebrow up if a man isn't willing to discuss his family, friends or past; if you catch him in a lie; if he already shows signs of being controlling; if he's rude or flirty with other women in your presence or if he refuses to talk about his past relationships on any level.
A lot of people are in piss-poor marriages because they ignored flags in the beginning of a dating relationship. Please don't be one of them.
Is a True Connection Being Established?
It's one thing to like someone or to have some things in common (you can do that with a co-worker or your favorite produce person at a local grocery store). It's another thing entirely to feel like you have a true connection with another individual. To me, when there is a surefire connection, they seem super familiar to your spirit, almost from the first exchange of words.
There's more, though. You're both very comfortable sharing the realest parts of yourself. Communication flows with ease. You're both able to challenge one another without feeling intimidated or threatened. There is a profound mutual respect and care for one another. Reciprocity is effortless. You have similar senses of humor. Time together literally flies by. There's an extreme closeness without ever touching. You like the sides that both of you bring out of each other. After a couple of dates, it's crystal clear that you are already becoming fans of one another.
I know this might all sound like a cheesy chick flick, but here's the true reality check about whether or not you are truly connecting with someone after three dates: even if it ultimately doesn't work out on the romantic tip, because the connection—and mutual respect—is so strong, you can still see them being a part of your life regardless. For instance, there is a guy in my life who I used to tell all of the time, "If you're not the father of my child, I could see you being the godfather." That's how dope our connection was.
Not every connection leads to marriage, but some are strong enough to keep people around for a lifetime. Just…differently than you may have expected. That is an article all on its own, y'all.
Are You Both on the Same Page—of the Same Book?
Last fall, I penned an article for the site entitled, "5 Signs That You're in Love (All by Yourself)". If you'd rather listen to a song about this topic than read it, what do you know about the Mariah Carey old school jam "All Alone in Love"? Yep. It's a pretty common phenomenon to be deeply caught up in someone who doesn't feel the same way.
How does something that emotionally extreme happen? When it's happened to me, it's usually been because of one of two things. Either I didn't ask the guy, point blank, if he wanted the same things that I did or, I wasted time with someone who was unresolved when it came to how he saw our relationship; meaning, on Monday, he could see us being together and then, two Tuesdays later, he wasn't sure.
Is a third date too soon for a marriage proposal? In 98.5 percent of instances, yes. But what it's not too soon for us to say, "Where do you see this going?" If he's crystal clear, his answer will be too. But if he's he's dodging and deflecting, either he's showing signs of being a commitment-phobe or being unsure about you. Either way, a man who is looking for a relationship is going to have a pretty good idea if a woman is a good fit, three dates in (ask your male friends, they'll tell you). If the guy you're seeing isn't, I'm not so sure four more dates is going to change his mind.
Time is invaluable and so are you. It's OK to want to be with someone who is a bit more focused and intentional. It's OK to have initial chemistry and still decide to not move forward with someone who wants so much more than that.
Do I sound extreme? Look at it this way—it didn't take him three offers to know he wanted a job he was after, right? My point exactly, chile.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
"I Was A Bad Husband": Devale Ellis On Love, Growth, & Showing Up Differently
Long before Devale Ellis became known for his radical honesty online or as an actor starring in projects like Zatima, the Brooklyn native was a young husband figuring out what it meant to lead. Now, as a father of four and husband to his wife Khadeen for 14 years (15 years on July 4), the author of We Over Me is opening up about the real-life lessons that have helped shape him into the man he is today.
In a recent episode of xoNecole's xoMAN podcast, Devale sat down for an unfiltered conversation with host Kiara Walker about marriage, masculinity, and how fatherhood ultimately saved him from himself. The former NFL player held nothing back as he spoke candidly about the work he did to unlearn outdated ideals about what it means to be a man, and how learning to be emotionally present was a catalyst for change in his 22-year relationship with his wife.
"I was a bad husband because I wasn't present emotionally."
"I know this may come off as misogynistic," Devale shared in the episode, "but I feel like it's the responsibility as a man to pay for everything." It was a belief that was shaped by his father who taught him that to provide for a woman, especially one you're creating a family with, is a non-negotiable as a man.
Devale recalled the words of his father: "What if she gets sick? What if she deals with postpartum depression? What if the child has issues and someone needs to be there? My father was like that’s your responsibility. Don’t put that on nobody else…"
"My pops don't believe in the 50/50 bullshit. My pops ain't with that," he continued. "So I took that on. Of course, now times have changed, but that’s just my way of looking at it. So since that’s my way of looking at it, I make sure every morning my wife wakes up, she don’t gotta worry about the lights coming on, you know, who’s paying the rent. But also, I make sure that I’m present."
Still, it wasn't always like that for the Dead-Ass podcast co-host. Devale admitted that at one point he identified as a "bad husband" because presence wasn't always as important to him as providing, given the "old-fashioned way" masculinity was modeled to him.
"I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally, you know what I’m saying. I wasn’t present spiritually. I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources because I was too focused on that one linear thing, ‘I gotta provide.’ And I learned that after about five years of marriage and after we had our second child that I had to be more."
“Being a man is about being consistent.”
Change doesn't happen overnight but Devale's revelation marked a turning point in his marriage and relationship with Khadeen overall. From the moment, he began to shift from the man he was used to being and evolve into who he aspired to become as a husband and a father. In doing so, the transformation became a catalyst for deeper connection and service.
He explained, "In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me..."
His outlook on what it means to be a man and masculinity as a whole also leveled up. "Being a man is about being consistent." No longer did he define masculinity as primarily providing financially for his wife and family, but it also meant providing an emotional presence, a spiritual presence, and most importantly, an understanding that leadership wasn't about control, it was about care and consideration.
Speaking of care and consideration, Devale would eventually make another choice that many men shy away from...
Choosing a vasectomy out of love for his wife
After having four sons, Devale and Khadeen once thought about having a fifth child in hopes for a daughter. But everything changed for the couple when Khadeen experienced postpartum preeclampsia. The health scare solidified their decision to be done with family planning, and although hormonal birth control was on the table, Devale didn't want to put that responsibility on Khadeen who began experiencing iron deficiency from heavy bleeding and blood clots.
"I was like, 'Bro, so I almost lost you twice, you've had three natural births, two at the house, okay, this is my time now to take over as a man and say, 'I'll get a vasectomy.' Because I don't want you to have to deal with birth control so let me be the one on birth control."
Despite the stigma and concerns of having a vasectomy, which he goes into detail about on the xoMAN podcast, the move proved to be yet another example of Devale's preferred method of leadership, one where he strives to choose empathy over ego.
"Fatherhood made me a better person."
Similarly to the way he beams when talking about Khadeen, there's a gentleness that undercuts the more serious aspects of his personality when he speaks about his sons: Jackson, Kairo, Kaz, and Dakota. In the episode, the former athlete shared, "Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do life all over."
In regards to being a father, he shared that "fatherhood made me a better person," which is the heart of the title of his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself. As he raises four Black sons into Black Kings, Devale shared that he is mindful of the legacy he seeks to leave behind. "A part of Black masculinity to me is showing kids that they matter. That they deserve to be loved."
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by Ray Tamarra/Soul B Photos/Shutterstock