5 Signs You're In Love (All By Yourself)
For almost 10 years now, I've been running a blog for single women who desire to be married (I'm currently on a six-month posting hiatus until the New Year). Through the years, I've received a lot of comments, questions, and concerns from numerous women. But if there's one post that continues to get almost weekly replies, it's "Will God Flat-Out Tell You Who Your Husband Is?"
If you grew up in the church, you already know this continues to be a hot topic, and while I'm not gonna spend a ton of time on the theology side of things, I will say that Genesis 2 says NOTHING about a man choosing his wife. In the Garden of Eden, GOD DECIDED when Adam should have a woman, along with who she should be. So no, it doesn't seem "crazy" to me that a woman would know she's meant to be with a man before the man does (wives tell me they knew before their husbands did all of the time!).
But keeping along with that point, one thing that Adam did do is acknowledge Eve. He praised her and claimed her, which means that no matter what may have been going on "behind the scenes," Adam ended up being on board with the relationship. He didn't need to be "pulled in."
I think you can feel where I'm going with this. It's one thing to have feelings for someone before they do or even to feel more intensely for them before they catch on. BUT it's something else entirely to be out here all "in love" with some guy when there is no mutuality or reciprocity going on. Unfortunately, though, it happens ALL OF THE TIME.
I've done it with a guy before. Right now, I can name about 20 other women I know who've done it too. So, before you write it off as being "crazy", or something you've never done (or will do), humor me and check out some of the signs of when a woman is basically in love by herself that you might've overlooked or are in denial about:
You’re (Semi-Constantly) Trying to Convince Him to Get on the Same Page as You.
Remember, I didn't say this article is about if you like a guy who may not like you back. I said this is about when you feel as if you're IN LOVE with someone and you're pretty much on your own with that.
Some of us make the grave mistake of thinking (or is it assuming?) that as long as a guy is dating us or even sexing us that they feel the same way that we do. Or, that so long as we continue to date them and/or sex them that they'll get there.
While there is something to be said for what only time can—and should—do, how can you know if you're not on the same page and/or quite possibly won't ever get there? When you're asking the dude questions like "So, what are we doing?" or "Where is this going?" and you keep getting blank stares in response, he's always changing the subject, or he acts like you're getting on his nerves or pressuring him, that's your cue.
When two people are in love, while some think the operative word is "love," I think it's "in." They are IN it together. If you're constantly trying to get him to catch up, this is red flag #1.
You’re Also (Semi-Constantly) Making Excuses for Where He Falls Short.
Between running a get-ready-for-marriage blog and being a marriage life coach, chile, I've seen more than my fair share of marriage proposals. And if there's one thing they've all taught me it's that when a man wants a woman (I mean, really and truly wants a woman), there is no such thing as "not being emotional" or "incapable of expressing himself."
I've seen everything from flying a woman's entire family and close friends to an engagement location, to planning out her wedding for her based on her Pinterest posts. Moral to the story—if a man wants you, HE WILL SHOW YOU. Boldly so, too.
If you're always making excuses (especially to yourself) about why the man in your life can't plan a date, let alone give you a thoughtful Christmas or birthday present, spend some time on sites like How He Asked. It's a reality check like a mug.
Everyone and Their Grandma Is Telling You So.
Fun fact. My former pastor is one of the experts on Married at First Sight (yep, Pastor Cal), so sometimes I watch the show just because I'm still trippin' that he's on there. Well, there's a couple from this past season (Bobby and Danielle) who constantly get memos that Bobby is doing all of the work and Danielle is merely soaking it up. (All you have to do is put #MAFS in your Twitter search field and you'll see what I'm talking about.)
While the couple is telling everyone that their relationship is a "10" and they never fight, the experts, Bobby's family, and 99 percent of Twitter world is like, "Bobby, WAKE UP!"
Here's what they can teach us all. The mentality of it's you and me against the world may be romantic 'n all, but remember, you're emotionally involved and that can skew your discernment. The people on the outside looking in have the ability to catch some things you probably can't. And so, if ALL OF THEM are bringing up THE SAME CONCERN about you and your dude, it's not wise to flippantly shrug it off.
Stop thinking that everyone is being a hater, because the one thing they have in common is they all love you.
The Relationship—or Situationship—Is Not Making You Feel Loved.
(Most) women are natural nurturers. That's a good thing. But sometimes we confuse nurturing a relationship with how we raise our children. What I mean by that is, we expect to love a child and it not be a mutual situation. Children are not as mature as us. We know that we'll be doing most of the work.
A grown man is not a child. Or at least, he's not your child. If you're spending all of your time trying to meet his needs and make him feel loved, when do you have time to figure out what you need and what will make you feel loved?
It took me years and years…and years and years and years to get this one deep down in my spirit. And listen, I don't care how long you've been with someone, how good the sex is, or even how much you love him, if a random person on the street asked you how your man makes you feel loved and you can't immediately rattle off some answers—and by some, I mean more than two—this is one of the most overlooked indications that you're probably in love…by yourself.
THERE. IS. NO. PROGRESS.
If you put some water in a cup and let it sit in your sink for about a week and then you take a whiff, it's gonna have an odor to it. The lesson here is, even when it comes to water, stagnation stinks.
Meanwhile, "progress" is a dope word. It means "a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage." While progress means different things to different people, when something as profound and life-altering as LOVE is shared between two people, you can best believe that goals and "going higher" are going to happen; that both individuals will want nothing less.
If your relationship is more like a cup of water in the sink for a week, I know it's hard to hear, but that's another warning sign that you're probably in love by yourself. Because if he was "in it" with you, he'd want to move forward and you'd have concrete evidence of that very fact. I can promise you that.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage