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First Date Rules I'm Not Afraid to Break
Leave it up to movies like Think Like A Man and Two Can Play That Game, and you'll swear that the only way to get and keep a man is to play by a set of well-documented rules. But as much as I appreciate the opinion of my male and female counterparts, I must admit that I've never been one to be on my best behavior in hopes of locking a man down.
Rules are designed as a way to perpetuate standards, moral values, and to maintain boundaries. When applied to a dating lens, they're more so dependent on the trust and comfort levels of the person you're with. I've read article after article touching on first date rules and dating no no's, and I've realized I've never been one to follow many first date rules.
The tried and true method ultimately does not work for me. In fact, I felt that I wasn't being true to who I was on a first date because I was too concerned about what my date thought of me based off of a list of first date rules that were, in my opinion, very much outdated. I wondered if there was something wrong with me for dating rules like “never return a call or text immediately" or “wait three days to call" never worked for me. That was until I started thinking for myself during dates, feeling the man, reading the moment, and allowing myself to be.
So here are my rules, the ones that may go against the grain, but have yet to keep me from being in fulfilling relationships.
Do Ask the Guy
When we talk about the principles of the chase, it stems from women's desire to be certain that a man is interested in her. How can you know he's interested if you become the pursuer versus the pursuant? You can ask. I don't believe shyness or fear of rejection knows gender roles, so that guy that sits three seats up from you in class or the barista who makes your vanilla bean frap everyday who you think will just ask if they are interested could be having that very same thought about you. If you want to go on a date with someone, just ask. It takes a lot of pain out of beating around the bush and/or making assumption after assumption.
Do Talk About What You Want
Again, the pretenses. While I don't think that you should talk about your desires to wed in Hawaii by the time that you're 30, I do think that it's important to be clear and direct about what you want, even if it means giving a canned answer of “I'm going with the flow". I think this is important because sometimes women aren't honest with even themselves that they are looking for something serious out of fear that the man they're dating will run at the slightest hint of commitment, but if that's what you're looking for and he's paralyzed by the idea of it, you've saved yourself the time and energy of getting to know someone who isn't the one for you. If you feel like you have to play cool to get the guy, you're not starting things off on the right foot and you should ask yourself the question of why you feel you must hide behind a mask.
Do Mention Your Ex and Do Hear About His
Okay, if he left you a couple of weeks ago and the wound is still fresh, you should probably sit this one out. But I think a lot can be revealed about a person when you have an ex talk. There's no need to write an eloquent detailed history for him right then and there about Mr. Wrong, but it's worth it to touch the surface a little bit. With that one conversation, you can learn how fresh the relationship is, whether or not he is over the situation, whether or not he is capable of accepting blame or if he sees himself as perfect, and most importantly, what that lesson has led to him as far as discovering what he wants in a future partner are.
Do Wear Whatever You Want
It's unsettling to hear at times the feeling of ownership society has on what women wear and how they define or label us based on those decisions. If you feel sexy in a turtleneck, some jeans, and those vintage All Star Converses in your closet, wear them. If you feel sexy giving enough cleave to the gods, do it! I think we internalize what everyone thinks so much that it silences our own wants. Wear what makes you sexy and even though there are men out there like Rev Run who believe, “Dress the way you want to be addressed" – do you. My value is not entwined in what I decide to wear and if you're going to radiate confidence on your first date, wear what feels most true to you.
Do Talk About Whatever the Hell You Want
It's usually taboo to talk about any hot button topics that could potentially cause an argument, especially when you don't really know a person or have that comfort level to properly diffuse situations without being offensive. I don't think that should stop a natural progression of a conversation though. If it comes up that you love God and you're a devout Christian, talk about religion. If it comes up that you don't believe in Trump's desires for foreign policy, so be it. Let the conversation go where it flows. If a difference in opinion is something that he can't handle, that could indicate whether or not you'd like to see him again. And some of us like intellectual debates with our dates. It shouldn't have to take a backseat just because it's your first.
Do Focus on the Present
All in all, a lot of the weight that comes along with acing a first date comes with the pressure we place on ourselves as far as expectations go, especially when we're really into someone. Truthfully, one of the best ways to stay true to yourself is to stay in the now and don't look so far ahead at where this date may lead. Just be. The real you is under that bundle of anxiety-ridden nerves so let go and focus on the moment. Don't think about whether or not he'll call, get to know him, and decide whether or not you like him.
Do Engage in Kissing on Either Set of Your Lips
This is not for everyone, but I am a believer that sometimes chemistry is instant and sometimes you might want to kiss him at the end of a great night, sometimes you want to do more than kiss him. Do not allow the stigma of first date rules stop from doing something you want to do. If you've learned from past experiences that sex too soon makes you a stage five clinger, you might want to refrain until you're certain about how you feel. But if you're all for the count, you feel comfortable, and you want to, by all means, why not? Sex does change things though when it comes to dynamics between two people. The best thing that can happen is that you have a night of fun where someone you were into was equally into you and swept up by the flow of the night and lost themselves in you as wondrously as you did into them. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't call you after. But I'd like to emphasize that if he doesn't call, he never planned to call. Sex doesn't make a man lose interest, and if it does, they weren't interested enough in you to begin with. And if that's the case, did you really want him anyway?
Keeping that in mind, be one with yourself and true to yourself. Don't worry about what he thinks about you and instead worry about what you think about him. That's the way to survive the dating world. I am a firm believer that if you value yourself and know what you want, the world can see that. There is no need to follow a set of rules to act as guidelines to get you to the commitment you want so if you break a couple, so what? Just be yourself. Truthfully, that's the kind of genuine connections you should be gravitating towards and holding close to you in your world anyway. A finger is constantly being placed in our faces when we act on our desires in an act to tell us “no", and I'm just here to say, “yes". Yes. Yes. YES!
What first date rules are you not afraid to break?
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Is it just me, or do our bodies have an “If it’s not one thing, it’s another” vibe as we get older? And lately, new or recurring skin conditions have been yet another thing to add to the growing list of “WTF is this, am I dying?” When it comes to seborrheic dermatitis, it’s one of the most common skin issues, impacting 3 to 10 out of 100 people, per the National Institute of Health. You may have heard of it, been diagnosed with it, or will relate to this article and finally feel seen and relieved that there’s a name for what you’ve been going through.
We’re breaking down everything you need to know about seborrheic dermatitis, from what it is and its symptoms to shutting down a few common myths, and of course, how to know if you actually have it. Let’s get into it.
What Are The Signs?
You may be experiencing seborrheic dermatitis if your skin, eyebrows, scalp, or facial hair has dandruff, irritable skin patches, or flakes, according to the Mayo Clinic. More specifically, and on the verge of TMI, oily skin with flat white or yellow scales may also be a sign.
When it comes to rashes, it’s likely they’ll show up in a ring-like form (which is called petaloid seborrheic dermatitis). For the melanated folks, rashes may appear darker or lighter (per the National Eczema Association, people of color may get a more intense flare-up with lesions on the hairline and discoloration), while those with fair skin may experience red rash areas.
Where Is It?
While seborrheic dermatitis can occur on various body parts, it’s frequently seen on the scalp, according to the NEA. The Mayo Clinic notes that the condition also pops up on oily facial and body areas like the edges of one’s nose, eyelids, and eyebrows, as well as the chest and ears. Skin can appear inflamed with rashes and patches, and the scalp will typically battle with relentless dandruff.
Seborrheic dermatitis can be super irritating and frustrating, but fortunately, if you’ve been diagnosed, it doesn’t lead to permanent hair loss, and it isn’t contagious, The Mayo Clinic states. In fact, with doctor-prescribed treatment or products like special shampoo, it could disappear or at least reduce flare-ups.
What Triggers It?
It’s difficult to pinpoint what specifically causes the condition. The Mayo Clinic points out that it could arise thanks to too much oil in the skin or the presence of Malassezia, a type of fungi. Commonly, things like fatigue, weather changes, and stress also play a role. More serious conditions that can trigger it range from Parkinson’s and depression to HIV, as well as the aftermath of life-altering events like a heart attack.
Bronchitis, strep throat, the flu, tonsillitis, and ear and respiratory infections are also known to cause flare-ups, along with skin issues like bruises, sunburns, scratches, and bites, per the Cleveland Clinic.
Interestingly enough, the NIH notes that seasons changing has a role too. Seborrheic dermatitis can disappear in the summer months, and then make a comeback like it never left in the winter.
Who Does It Affect?
Unlike many other things we go through as women, seborrheic dermatitis is actually more common for men, according to the NIH. It often appears for the first time in the young adult years or for those who are older than 50.
What About Psoriasis Though?
Seborrheic dermatitis is often compared to psoriasis, and for good reason. They both impact the skin, especially the scalp area. They can both also leave scaly patches on the skin, flakes on your hair, and cause itching. However, they’re not identical. Healthline notes that areas of seborrheic dermatitis flareups are typically easier to remove compared to psoriasis. Psoriasis also tends to be sorer and more tender, while seborrheic dermatitis can itch or create a burning sensation.
Let’s Clear The Air
There are a few rumors about the power of seborrheic dermatitis and what it can cause. So let’s break down the truth for a second. According to the NEA, this condition is not cancerous, nor does it indicate or increase a higher risk for cancer in the future.
Just a reminder, it doesn’t cause hair loss, nor is hair loss a symptom. If you are experiencing concerning hair loss, it is likely a sign of something else.
How Can You Treat It?
Seborrheic dermatitis can be treated pretty easily (praises be). Certain medicines like shampoos with tar, anti-inflammatory creams that include steroids, creams and shampoos with antifungal agents, or creams that feature salicylic acid, can be applied to the inflamed area to help resolve the problematic area, according to the NIH.
Just a note though: As tempting as it is to cover up scaly patches with heavy foundation or concealer, experts with the NIH actually advise against it as it can clog your pores. However, a light foundation can be used occasionally, along with skin care products that aren’t too oily to help temporarily conceal it.
A unique type of sunscreen also isn’t needed. You can use what you typically would before stepping out into the sun. And your skin soaking in a few extra rays could actually help your skin.
Should You Self-Diagnose?
As tempting as it is to make an appointment with Dr. Google, The Mayo Clinic advises you to call your actual physician if the condition interrupts your sleep, makes you lose focus throughout the day, contributes to anxiety, or simply doesn’t go away with at-home remedies. Simply put, it’s always best to check with your doctor to ensure you’re actually experiencing seborrheic dermatitis and get the treatment you need to help monitor or prevent it.
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