![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![Three Dates In. Should The Two Of You Move Forward? Or Not?](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xOTY2MzY1Ni9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc1Mjc2NDIxMX0.2DKuwuZ1YC4V-wr_H_AZRMxtLQYKaDGVISFnkQZf_Xg/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C480%2C0%2C480)
Three Dates In. Should The Two Of You Move Forward? Or Not?
I recently read an article that discussed all of the scientific signs that point to whether a person is falling in love or not. I'm not gonna share all 13 of 'em, but here are the ones that personally stood out to me—elevated levels of dopamine that cause you to focus your attention on someone; spending (wow) 85 percent of your time thinking about that individual; developing strong feelings of empathy for another person; desiring an emotional connection over a sexual one with them and, believing that your "love feelings" are something that you are not able to control. Maybe, but as Chris Rock once said, "You can't control who you love, but you can controlhow you love." That's good food for thought right there.
Why The Third Date Matters
Personally, I'd say that a sign that comes before all of these signs is being open to going on a third date with an individual. Think about it. The first date is an introduction to someone; it's about discovering if there is any kind of chemistry at all. The second date is learning more about one another's intentions, desires and values. By the time both of you have agreed to go on a third date, there is more than physical attraction and surface-level commonalities going on. You both are starting to really like each other, which is the foundation for all healthy relationships. First comes like. Then comes love. Then comes in love (when you get a chance, check out "Like, Love & in Love: How to Really Know the Differences").
But how can you know for sure that your third date is headed somewhere solid and lasting? Although the following five questions are not an exact—pardon the pun—science, I do believe that by presenting them to yourself, you will gain more clarity on whether there should be a fourth date (that could possibly lead to forever)—or not.
Why Did You Start Dating Him in the First Place?
I gotta tell ya that I totally rolled my eyes when I read that one-third of women only agree to go on dates, just so that they can eat for free. That might be "hee hee" on the surface, but how would you feel if you found out that a man was seeing you ONLY so that he could hopefully get some sex out of it at some point? It's never a good idea to use anyone, for any reason. For starters, it puts bad karma out into the universe.
Anyway, the reason why we write so many articles on first dates on this site ("7 Ways to Have an Incredible First Date", "5 Things That Are OK to Require on a First Date", "What to Wear on a First Date", "First Date Rules I'm Not Afraid to Break") is because first impressions are important. It's not just about how a guy sees you and how you see him, it's also about being clear about why you are going on the first date and, if all goes well, you agree to a second and then a third.
There are a lot of people who end up wasting their precious time because they actually desire a relationship while all they are doing is casually dating. And by that, I mean, they are dating with a literal definition of the word "casual" going on—"without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing". So yeah, in order to find out if there should be a fourth date, reflect on why there was a first one to begin with.
Why Do You Keep Wanting to See Him?
He's cute and funny. You have nothing else to do on a Friday night. Your girlfriends are busy this coming weekend. All of these may be the truth about why you are still hanging out with ole' boy, but time, effort and energy are mad precious. Are any of these truly enough of a reason to keep doing it? The answer depends. If all you want to do is fill up space and he feels the same way, carry on. But if you know that you want more than that, after three dates, it's OK to go beyond typical dating conversation. Does he want the same things that you do out of life? Is he looking for a commitment or just a good time? Does he complement the world that you have created for yourself? Do you see clear signs that he will actually improve your quality of life? Is he a wise investment of your time and emotions?
If you are able to answer all of these questions in the affirmative (and remember, some of these answers, you can only come to by asking him, not assuming), then it makes sense to keep moving forward. Just make sure that you're doing so with the two of you walking together rather than you pulling him along (some of y'all will catch that later).
Are There Already Red Flags That You’re Seeing (and Possibly Ignoring)?
It's sad (it really is) that some people are natural narcissists and sociopaths. Because of this, they put forth a lot of effort to remain as charming and "flawless" for as long as they possibly can. But if you're paying close attention and you notice that someone isn't willing to discuss some of their issues or vulnerabilities three dates in, that's already a red flag in my book. I'm not saying that they need to pull out their credit report or tell you about every fight they've had with their ex; I'm just saying that someone who seems too good to be true or someone who seems to be hiding something, usually is.
If you're new to looking for red flags early on in a relationship, I penned some of them here. Aside from those, feel fine putting your eyebrow up if a man isn't willing to discuss his family, friends or past; if you catch him in a lie; if he already shows signs of being controlling; if he's rude or flirty with other women in your presence or if he refuses to talk about his past relationships on any level.
A lot of people are in piss-poor marriages because they ignored flags in the beginning of a dating relationship. Please don't be one of them.
Is a True Connection Being Established?
It's one thing to like someone or to have some things in common (you can do that with a co-worker or your favorite produce person at a local grocery store). It's another thing entirely to feel like you have a true connection with another individual. To me, when there is a surefire connection, they seem super familiar to your spirit, almost from the first exchange of words.
There's more, though. You're both very comfortable sharing the realest parts of yourself. Communication flows with ease. You're both able to challenge one another without feeling intimidated or threatened. There is a profound mutual respect and care for one another. Reciprocity is effortless. You have similar senses of humor. Time together literally flies by. There's an extreme closeness without ever touching. You like the sides that both of you bring out of each other. After a couple of dates, it's crystal clear that you are already becoming fans of one another.
I know this might all sound like a cheesy chick flick, but here's the true reality check about whether or not you are truly connecting with someone after three dates: even if it ultimately doesn't work out on the romantic tip, because the connection—and mutual respect—is so strong, you can still see them being a part of your life regardless. For instance, there is a guy in my life who I used to tell all of the time, "If you're not the father of my child, I could see you being the godfather." That's how dope our connection was.
Not every connection leads to marriage, but some are strong enough to keep people around for a lifetime. Just…differently than you may have expected. That is an article all on its own, y'all.
Are You Both on the Same Page—of the Same Book?
Last fall, I penned an article for the site entitled, "5 Signs That You're in Love (All by Yourself)". If you'd rather listen to a song about this topic than read it, what do you know about the Mariah Carey old school jam "All Alone in Love"? Yep. It's a pretty common phenomenon to be deeply caught up in someone who doesn't feel the same way.
How does something that emotionally extreme happen? When it's happened to me, it's usually been because of one of two things. Either I didn't ask the guy, point blank, if he wanted the same things that I did or, I wasted time with someone who was unresolved when it came to how he saw our relationship; meaning, on Monday, he could see us being together and then, two Tuesdays later, he wasn't sure.
Is a third date too soon for a marriage proposal? In 98.5 percent of instances, yes. But what it's not too soon for us to say, "Where do you see this going?" If he's crystal clear, his answer will be too. But if he's he's dodging and deflecting, either he's showing signs of being a commitment-phobe or being unsure about you. Either way, a man who is looking for a relationship is going to have a pretty good idea if a woman is a good fit, three dates in (ask your male friends, they'll tell you). If the guy you're seeing isn't, I'm not so sure four more dates is going to change his mind.
Time is invaluable and so are you. It's OK to want to be with someone who is a bit more focused and intentional. It's OK to have initial chemistry and still decide to not move forward with someone who wants so much more than that.
Do I sound extreme? Look at it this way—it didn't take him three offers to know he wanted a job he was after, right? My point exactly, chile.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date
Featured image by Getty Images.
- 7 Signs Chemistry Is The Real Thing - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs Relationship Is Moving Too Fast - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Is Considered A Real Date? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 5 Subtle Signs He's Dating Other Women - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Third Date Questions To Ask A Guy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 3 Signs It's Time To End The Talking Phase With Someone You're Dating - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Read this before you plan a third date ›
- 4 Things To Know About Someone By The Third Date, So You're On ... ›
- Third Date Rule: What Is It? - Her Norm ›
- Why The 3rd Date Is The Charm - 1 True Match ›
- Why we need to let go of the three-date rule — BARE Dating ›
- The Importance of the Third Date - AskMen ›
- 4 Ways To Win Them Over On The Third Date - and Why It Matters ... ›
- Why Dudes Often Vanish After a Great Third Date (In Their Words ... ›
- Why The Third Date Matters And What You Should Know By The End ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by PeopleImages/Getty Images