How I Broke Free From A 7-Year Situationship That Wasn't Serving Me
We were laying in bed and he said, “If I were going to marry anyone, it would be her.” I heard the words come out of his mouth and I was confused. Partly because we were both laying in my bed after he agreed to spend the night, but more so because after all this time, nothing had changed. He was in bed with me, but had been building a life with someone else, someone he had just confessed he could see himself marrying, someone who wasn't me. We had been “dating” for seven years, off and on, and I had nothing to show for all that time except late nights and broken promises.
There were feelings there, but they were surface-level at best. Deep down, I knew he wasn’t the one. On paper, he had all of the qualifications. He made a good living, he was charming, he was mature and we had known each other for years and shared friends. I knew that he had nothing to offer me, but he was comfortable. We knew each other, and he felt safe. He had been around for so many of my big life moments: getting my first job, moving into my first apartment, traveling internationally without my family for the first time.
However, who he was in my head and who he was in real life were not the same person. I tried to make the two versions of him real, but people are who they are. I knew that the one for me would never create such confusion in my mind, but by the time I realized this, I was already in love.
It wasn’t until a few months after he professed his preferred marriage choice that it dawned on me: He had never explicitly said the words, ‘I do not want you and never will.’ He had never and would never commit to me. Because if he had, I would have stopped years ago.
I spent the better part of my 20s wondering why. What was wrong with me? What could I do differently? What did this woman have that I didn’t? He always gave me just enough hope to make me believe that one day he would suddenly realize how amazing I was and pick me. Choose me. Love me. The day that he said those words was probably the first time I ever heard what he was truly saying to me.
He might have enjoyed my company but he would never see me as someone he could commit to.
I knew that his marriage proclamation was a direct response to the words that we had never said. We were both older now, several years had passed, and he knew that my life plan included marriage and children. So without saying the exact words, he implied that he would always choose me for comfort, but he would never commit to me. And for the first time, I heard the truth.
The truth was, there was nothing wrong with me other than I was accepting less than the bare minimum from a broken man. The truth was he would always return to me for physical comfort, but nothing more. His manipulation tactics worked well for many years because he was charming, but his actions never matched his words.
When we first started dating, he told me he had always been attracted to me. I thought that surely a man who had always wanted me would treat me as a prize, worthy of being earned; not as a toy. Once we established this, we decided that we wanted to get to know each other better as more than friends. He also decided that he would date me and this other woman at the same time because he could.
We knew he was dating both of us, and he clearly enjoyed having the attention of two women because it meant he was never alone, and also it made him feel irresistible. When he could no longer juggle his feelings for both of us, he committed to her while still holding on to me. When he told me that he chose her, I was devastated.
It never occurred to me that in this twisted game, I would lose. I questioned everything about who I was. My appearance, my personality, my intelligence, my accomplishments; I spent almost an entire year mourning what I felt was a loss. Every now and then, he would pop up and, through my pain, I felt honored that despite him choosing her, he couldn’t let me go.
Manipulators turn love into a game and that’s what it was for us. I enjoyed knowing the fact that he would come running whenever I called, and he knew how to give me just enough attention and hope to keep me hanging on. I didn’t see my worth and I didn’t believe that I deserved the love that I was dreaming of. It’s all the questions that kept me holding on past our expiration date. What if he suddenly decides he wants me? What if I walk away right before he changes his mind? What if he’s the one and he’s just scared of his love for me?
It took years for me to see that it was not honor, but selfishness. Unable to choose, he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Even though once they started dating, I was the other woman, I convinced myself that I wasn’t because we had both been there from the beginning. When their relationship ended, and he finally confessed about our indiscretions, she wasn’t surprised. Looking back I can see how even though we might have been pitted against each other, we were both allowing ourselves to be hurt by someone who claimed to care for us.
It took a long time for me to see how I played a role in my own heartbreak. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn’t believe that I deserved the love that I desired. We were both broken and our broken pieces fit together like a puzzle. He was desperately looking for love to fill the empty places in him, and I wanted to find somewhere or someone who would make me feel fulfilled.
The harder we tried to fit together, the more broken we became. I lied to him and myself by telling him that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but the truth was I wanted him to want me as deeply as I grew to want him.
I settled for less and ended up getting less than what I settled for.
Movies and society have taught us that true love is messy and complicated. The more true it is, the more complicated it is. And while love can be complicated, because we as people are complicated, it shouldn’t be painful. I spent more nights crying myself to sleep than I would care to admit. I was at the point in my life where I felt that that situation was one of the only things in my life that I could control. I had graduated from college about a year prior and was still looking for a full-time job. Every rejection or unanswered email was a personal slap to me, and it made me dive deeper into the situation because he made me feel desired.
At least somebody wanted me, even if he didn’t want to be with me.
But that night in my apartment, his words finally broke the spell that he had over me. It had been wearing off over years, the more time I spent alone and in therapy. As he said those words and tried to explain himself, for the first time in a long time, his words fell on deaf ears. I had heard all that I needed to hear. I would never be the woman for him. And that was okay. I’m not meant for everyone.
It had been seven years of this ongoing saga, and that night as he lay in my bed and mentioned her name, I saw that he hadn’t changed or grown in seven years, but I had. I had moved into my own place, I had gotten a new job, I had traveled, and I knew that the woman I was and the woman I wanted to be were not compatible with the man that he was. And though the feelings were still there, all he could offer me was the past. Memories and history of what we had done.
Our ending wasn’t dramatic. I just stopped engaging with him, and when he asked me why, I told him that the relationship with him wasn't what I wanted. He tried to manipulate me into a conversation, but I never responded. I had spent years putting my needs on the back-burner and because of that, my needs were not met.
By walking away, I could create the space for someone who will want to be with me, not just use me as a placeholder.
Despite everything, we had shared a lot of time together. Our situation broke me. I had never known heartbreak like that, and I hope I never experience heartbreak like that again. However, I don’t look at it as wasted time, but lessons learned. I wouldn’t know the things about myself that I know now if it weren’t for him.
I wouldn’t know how I need to be loved if I hadn’t been loved. I wouldn’t know the red flags to watch out for if I hadn’t overlooked them with him. I wouldn’t know how to make sure that someone’s actions match their words. I also wouldn’t know that I could be strong enough to put myself first.
It’s been almost two years since we’ve had any contact, and I can honestly say I’ve never slept better.
My bed might be empty, but I’m at peace.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images