Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour
A few months ago, in the article, "The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have", I referenced a lil' tour that I took back in 2015 (wow, five years ago). At the time when I started it, I didn't know that I was on a mission to get my heart pieces back. But, as life would have it at the time, that is exactly what went down. Anyway, because I seem to get interviewed about "the tour" more and more, I decided it was only right to share with the xoTribe just what I did, why I did it, and how to played a huge role in making my heart truly whole again.
Why Our Hearts Are Do Divine and Must Be Protected at all Costs
The Classic Amplified Version of Proverbs 4:23 instructs us to, "Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." If there's something that I tell soon-to-be parents is there are two things that children definitely need; two things that get overlooked far too often in the raising and nurturing (or, as the Bible puts it, "training"—Proverbs 22:6) process. First, children need to be taught how to be financially responsible and second, children need to be taught how to properly guard their heart. That second one is super layered because, by definition, the heart is a complex thing.
It's an organ that pumps blood throughout our bodies. It's the center of our emotions. It's also the center of our personality. In the Hebrew language, it's our mind and thoughts. Some synonyms for heart include our character, our soul and even our temperament. No wonder the Word tells us that out of our heart flows the springs of life. No wonder that a broken heart devastates—and sometimes totally alters us—so much.
This is why it's super crucial that we keep and guard our heart. For the record, this does not mean that we're supposed to be unapproachable, bitter or that we put up such a high wall up that no one can ever reach us. What it does mean is we need to handle our heart with an incredible amount of TLC. We need to be careful about who we let enter into our body. We need to be cautious about how we allow others to affect our emotions or influence our personality. Influence is a big freakin' deal. That's why we also need to watch what kind of folks are able to use their words, actions and even energy to infiltrate our thoughts.
Growing up, because I wasn't taught this well at all, I didn't know how to guard my heart. Sure, the rules in my house were semi-strict but what was modeled (parents, we watch what you do far more than what you say) was also pretty toxic. So, by the time I went to college and was in my own space, guys were able to…basically do with my heart whatever they wanted to. It wasn't until I got abstinent that I realized just how much damage had been done. Once I "detoxed", in the physical sense, from the 14 partners I had been with ("Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" pretty much breaks that down), I realized there were still parts of me that "belonged" to some of those men; belonged in ways that I had totally underestimated until I went…on tour.
What the Heck Is a “Get Your Heart Pieces Tour”, Anyway?
The love of my life. The one who got away. The best sex I ever had. These were the titles that I had given to certain men from my past. Although those resolves weren't untrue, because they were a part of my reality, those fellas still had a bit of power over me; power that I didn't even realize until I actually stopped and thought about my choices, my patterns and why, in some ways, I was stagnant when it came to my personal relational progress. And so, back in 2015, I decided that I would be intentional about finding those fellas and having a little convo with them.
The love of my life. When it came to this guy, clearly the Universe was in agreement that we needed to find real closure. I say that because my running statement is, "If you find your ex on Facebook, that's you. If you run into him in the grocery store, that's God." After looking for him for a couple of weeks (after not speaking for several years) and finally declaring to a friend that I was going to give it a month and then try to let it all go, the very next day after that phone call, I ran into ole' boy. It wasn't on Facebook, so you know what that means.
My first love had always been able to reel me back in, in a way that no other man could. But this time, I wasn't interested in romanticizing our situation. I wanted to know what the heck it was that we had been doing, basically since I was three months shy of 19. We talked off and on and met up a couple of times for a few weeks. Then one day, while we were having lunch, I realized that no matter how much he professed to love me, when we were in love, loved or liked each other, his treatment was pretty much the same. Meaning, there was no change in how he loved me beyond his words.
That a-ha moment gave me my heart piece back. I will always love him, no doubt. But that lunch—coupled with a run-in that we actually had in December—solidified the fact that we had a past, no future, and that the part of me that always kinda sorta held out hope that one day we'd be like the characters inLove Jones or Dear John wasn't going to—and didn't need to—happen. No longer do I have this sinking feeling and wondering suspicion that if I were to get married but he was to reach out, there would be a possibility that he might be able to reel me back in; even if it was just with an emotional affair (which is still cheating, y'all). The mouse hole is finally closed. That chapter—which was more like a novella—is done. Next stop.
The one who got away. Whew. This. Man. Right. Here. He's fine—and then some mo' fine. Smart. Charming. Accomplished. Hilarious. SEXY (and yes, I'm screaming the last part!). After all these years, he's still that. And, up until 2015, he was my biggest regret. Nothing was really "wrong" with us; the timing just was off. Way off. It was so off that one day, while he was in college, he called to say, "You're like crack and I choose to no longer be addicted." He hung up and I never heard from him again. I must admit that, in many ways, I totally got where he was coming from because I continued to think of him, sometimes dream about him, and always refer to him as the one who got away. This means that he still had some type of hold on me. So, one day I Googled him, found one of his office numbers (you can read between the lines right there, sis) and left a message referring to myself as "crack". Later that evening he called, we stayed on the phone for eight hours, partly discussing how, umm, ravenous we both made each other feel. Whew. I seriously considered hopping on a plane. ASAP.
Why didn't I? For a few reasons, really. One, it was evident that while there was still a deep connection there, spiritually, we are in very different places now. Secondly, I'm not so sure that reuniting wouldn't have been more than months—maybe years—of off-the-chain sex, nice dates, but not much more than that…on his part. But more than anything, he's divorced, and I hold a personal conviction about that (I Corinthians 7:10-11). Because my niche, as a marriage life coach, is reconciling divorces, I personally don't want to "be in the way" of a couple, who was once in that type of covenant, possibly getting back together. And so, after a few weeks of chatting—and I'll be honest, fantasizing—I sent him an email that it was so good to reconnect, to get to a good place, and to be able to wish him well. Now, he's no longer the guy who got away from me. He's just the fine divorced man who I used to know.
The best sex I ever had. How do you get past this one? Hmph. You might be surprised. As we emotionally heal and even physically mature, our take on what "best sex" is tends to shift (see "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be"). It was important for me to have a brief (LOL) conversation with this dude because, up until I did, I kept replaying how the physical part of the sex was without factoring in how absolutely wack everything else had been. I was never really "into him"; I liked the sex.
And chile, if you live on this earth long enough, you realize that great sex isn't super hard to come by; that oftentimes, sex is what you make it. Still, it was necessary to talk to him because now I don't feel like he has the ability to "hit some spots" like no other man can. He simply was one of the lucky ones who was privileged enough to do it. My future husband will be even more blessed. Yep. Got that heart piece back too.
Why It’s So Important to Restore Your Heart Before Moving Forward.
Although I can't recall exactly where it came from, I once heard someone say, "It's hard to walk away from a train wreck once the train has run you over." Indeed. Some of us don't realize that "the wreck" is a relationship (or several relationships) and "the train" is a guy. We don't get that we're emotionally stagnant, internally bitter or not thriving in a new relationship like we could and should be, and that it's all because there are men out here who still have parts of our heart. They still trigger our emotions. They are still able to love bomb or gaslight us. They prevent us from fully trusting. They keep us living in the past. They have us holding out. Or, perhaps worst of all, they are able to keep coming back—if not physically, mentally.
Man…when I tell you that words can't express, just how freeing it feels to know that, while there are some faint scars from some of my past experiences, all of the wounds are totally gone? It is so refreshing! Going on that tour has shown me that it really is possible to be fully restored, to not hate or even resent an ex and, no matter how deep or profound an experience—or set of experiences—may have been, it no longer has to affect or infect me. A tour can be "one and done". No matter how much of myself that I gave to a man, I can get all of me back.
All of this said, I will say this—the title of today's soul food for thought is a little bit of clickbait. Does every woman who has a past need to go on this kind of tour? Eh, probably not. But if you're like a lot of women I know who reflect on their past and have given men certain titles or accolades like the examples that I just provided, 8.5 times out of 10, what that means is those guys still have a stronger hold on them than they ever should. Whether those ladies realize—or choose to accept—it or not, those fellas still have a piece of their heart; a piece that they need to get back. That means that, on some level, they are stuck. And when you are stagnant, it is impossible to move forward. And you need to move forward.
If that means saying a prayer, taking a deep breath and hitting up an ex or two to have a talk, so be it. Better to get your heart piece via the clarity that you need than to allow a man to still have a part of you because you haven't found resolve with—or from—him. Take the tour. Get the T-shirt. I did. And I'm oh so very whole because of it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
6 Reasons Why You STILL Can't Over Your Ex
How To Get Closure If Your Ex Won't Give It To You
Feature image by Giphy
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage