

Yeeeeah. If there was ever an article that needed the disclaimer "Hey, don't shoot the messenger" before it, this would have to be it. Not because I am someone who is shocked by what I'm about to share (when you're a marriage life coach, you tend to hear it all); it's more that, when it comes to the topic of cheating/infidelity, and who participates in it, it really does seem a little one-sided when it comes to gender. C'mon. I know I'm not the only one who can honestly say that, whenever most people think of cheaters and cheating, who they think of is men. But oh, baby. As you're about to see in just a moment, women definitely do their fair share of creepin' around. More than a lil' bit, actually.
But before I dive into all of the stats and whatnot, let me just share a bit of what I have seen from my personal experience and interaction. As far as personal experience goes, one day I'll get into why a lot of women are willing to
help a man to cheat. As a former-sometimes-side-chick-in-recovery, I can definitely offer up some insight into that, chile. For now, as far as my married friends and clients go, I'll be really real with y'all. I'd say that as far as who has cheated on whom, it's the wives that have had the upper hand; especially when it comes to micro-cheating, emotional affairs or "oral sex infidelity".
Why? The reasons vary. Some feel emotionally disconnected from their husband. Some are sexually bored and uninspired in their relationship (bookmark that, I'll circle back to it in just a bit). I can't emphasize enough how many don't know how to leave an ex alone. Some aren't sure if their husband is cheating or not, so they decide to sleep around, "just in case". Some are just flat-out delusional because they think that, so long as they only go out with ole' boy (the other man) from time to time or, if they do mess around, no actual penetration transpires, it's not "really cheating".
First of all, yes it has. Secondly, it really is baffling how some folks will justify their own reckless behavior but will find the very same acts inexcusable if they are on the receiving end. But relational hypocrisy is also another topic for another time.
For now, let's look at some of the findings behind why women cheat. Let's not stop there, though. If you happen to see yourself in any of this copy, let's also touch on what you should do to get your own love life back in order.
What the Experts Say About Women and Cheating
Ever since I caught a tweet that simply said, "Black women don't cheat", I've been following it to see what the responses to it would be. They've been interesting, to say the least. While the men have been going ham, I found it fascinating that the author of it seemed to finally get fed up after a couple of days or so. At least this gave me the impression that she is—"Before I mute this, ima just say idgaf who hurt y'all. Don't come to my tweet with negativity against black women, this tweet is not that deep and is in response to black men don't cheat."
I'll say this—a part of the reason why a lot of us struggle so much in relationships is because of the "idgaf who hurt you" mentality that far too many of us have. As much as we don't, we should. Both men and women should. Lord, have mercy. Apathy is gonna be the death of intimacy for a lot of folks out here. But that too is a PSA for another time. My main point for bringing this up is, I wonder if a lot of women have even asked the men in their lives about what led to his first (or second) real heartbreak. I have. 7 times out of 10, guess what it was? Cheating. He didn't do it. She did. And whether it's ego, fear, a very low threshold for emotional pain or all of the above, it had so many of the men shook that many of them still haven't fully healed or recovered from it. And an unhealed person trying to love anyone else is going to result in a lot of emotional turbulence in their future relationships.
Back to how many women cheat. If you just read all of that and was like "7 out of 10, Shellie? You sure you're not exaggerating?", I'll say this—although I am sure that I'm not, let's look into what the stats state, shall we? According to The Institute for Family Studies, 20 percent of husbands and 13 percent of wives have admitted to having sex with at least one other person over the course of their marriage. As far as race goes? It's truly a "SMH" when I say that we take the lead (Blacks sit at 22 percent, whites at 16 percent and Hispanics at 13 percent). While you might want to assume that it's the young folks who do it the most, that isn't the case. Only 11 percent of individuals between 18-34 cheat while 17 percent of people between 35-64 and 18 percent of those over 65 do it. Some other interesting findings are those who are Democrats with some college who did not grow up with both parents and basically only go to church on Christmas and Easter are also the biggest cheaters.
OK, so that's some of what I found about married people. Let's look at some other stuff I discovered that specifically relates to millennial singles. In the article "Why Are Millennial Women Cheating More Than Men?", the author shared that, although via another study she also found that 20 percent of men and 13 percent of women cheat, when it comes specifically to the 18-29 demographic, women slightly cheated more. When she asked 30 of the women why, the reasons ranged for relational dissatisfaction to being under the influence.
However, another author that was interviewed for the piece said, "Women are known to be more sensitive to social pressure than men, and there has always been more pressure on proper sexual behavior in women. Also, they traditionally had fewer opportunities because they were more likely to stay at home with the kids." In response to that, the writer of the article added, "Basically, several decades of feminism have eroded some of the stigma surrounding women's sexuality and given them more financial and social freedom, empowering them to behave like men — and sometimes like dirtbags."
Hmph. I will say this. Although a lot of women that I talk to think that being cheated on is basically the unpardonable sin, if they or a female friend has actually cheated on their partner, suddenly there is so much insight, compassion and—dare I say it?—justification. While when a man does it, he's a dog, end of story, when a woman does it, she has a reason and it should be heard. Hmm…is that empathy or hypocrisy? Y'all tell me.
Maybe there's less understanding for men because, when a man cheats, women think that it's purely a carnal and selfish act—full stop. But when a woman cheats, automatically, it's more complicated in their eyes. At least that's what the article "The Reasons Why Married Women Cheat on Their Husbands" implies. In it, the author shares that the reasons for women's cheating are as layered as each woman is. But what did come up quite a bit was sexual dissatisfaction; the same thing that I hear in my sessions. Ah, so maybe a part of the reason why more women are cheating is because a lot of them are not tolerating not getting their needs met—both in and out of the bedroom. And when I say, "more women", I mean just that. Just peep what, Alicia M. Walker, an associate professor of sociology at Missouri State University, stated in the article:
"Way more women are cheating than we think. We just don't like to talk about it, and we don't like to think about it. You don't want to think that your neighbor, your Sunday school teacher, or your friend is doing this. But the reality is, you know a woman who's cheating, you just don't know that she is."
Hmph again. The more that all of this is unfolding, it sounds like the whole "If a forest falls and no one is there to hear it, does it actually make a sound?" question.
Is it really that men cheat more? Or is it that women get caught less?
Because just because no one knows what may have went down, that doesn't mean that cheating did not occur. Right?
Now here's what's "funny" about all of this. Even with all of research that I've read on this particular topic (which is far too much for this article), as a woman, I'm not offended in the least. As someone who is working on deactivating some of my triggers in other areas, none of this applies to me personally, so there's nothing to get all bent out of shape about. If anything, I think stuff like this is a wake-up call to whether we want the cheating that goes on in relationships to stop period, or if we simply want to keep playing the blame game despite what data reveals to us? Or, do we want to do what our current administration does daily—deflect to "the other team" so that we don't have to take a long hard look at our own behaviors? (Ouch and amen.)
What If YOU Are the One Who Cheats?
So, what if you read all of this and saw some of yourself in it? What should you do? Although that is its own article series, I will do my best to share three ways to get you started on the road to faithfulness:
1. Don't justify the behavior. One couple I worked with, the wife was cheating on her husband with an ex. Her justification was her husband wasn't romantic enough. Then it turned into her needing to go to her hometown (where her ex lived) to see her family. While she was there, she would "happen" to run into her ex. Then it was, "We kissed a few times, but it's not like we've had sex or anything. Besides, if my husband was more affectionate, this wouldn't be a temptation for me." It was a steady decline from there. Listen, one of the easiest ways to not take responsibility for your own actions is to justify your own behavior. All of us have reasons for the good and bad that we do. But as long as you've got excuses, you'll never really be able to do the next point so that you can break free of the pattern. That is, if you want to break free. Do you?
2. Get to the root cause. I already know what some of y'all who've been reading this are thinking—"This is stupid. If you're gonna cheat, just be single." In theory, you are exactly right. But some people—especially married people—don't think that way. It's because, to them, ending the relationship would cause more complications, not less. This is oftentimes the case if there are children involved, things that both people's names are on, or even if both individuals still have strong feelings for each other, but certain needs aren't being met. In other words, they're not dissatisfied enough to leave; they are just unhappy enough to cheat.
This is why getting to the root of the cheating is so important. If it's relational dissatisfaction, are you and yours open to counseling? If it's sexual dissatisfaction, have you relayed that to your partner? What effort have you put in to make things better? If it's boredom, when's the last time you and yours have tried doing something new? If it's an ex, what is unresolved that needs to get resolved?
Although there are some people who cheat because they're simply horny jerks who are too emotionally immature for a relationship, for many individuals, that is not even remotely the underlying issue. Cheating is a Band-Aid to a wound, but there is definitely a wound that exists. A lot of folks are out here ranting about the Band-Aid rather than peeking to see what it's covering up.
3. Accept that cheating CHEATS you. I've helped people cheat. And, as karma would have it, I have been cheated on. In all of the scenarios, no matter how "good" the sex with the other person may have been for the cheater, it certainly didn't make anyone's life less complex or convoluted. All of the sneaking and lying and deceiving can be utterly exhausting. It can also desensitize you and even cause you to go numb, just so that you can quiet your conscience. What kind of existence is that?
If there's one thing that all of this revealed, it's that cheating doesn't prefer a gender. It's down for whoever wants to do it.
But if you're out here thinking that it only affects—or potentially infects—the person you are cheating on, or that somehow your mindset for why you are doing it isn't "that bad"…pardon the pun, but you are cheating yourself out of so much.
One thing that cheating does is makes us settle. If we're not getting our needs (or wants) met, rather than fix our relationship or wait for the one who can truly fulfill us to come along, we sacrifice time, energy, resources and emotions on what has a slim chance of ever getting right—let alone lasting. I'll be honest. I know a couple who cheated on their spouses, got married and are still married some 20 years later. They will be the first to tell you that they are dealing with some consequences that they never saw coming—like being able to fully trust one another.
Personally, I am over the whole "Black men don't cheat" and "Black women don't cheat" narrative. I actually like what one of the people said in response to the tweet that I shared earlier. All he did was add a comma and it changed everything—"Black women, don't cheat." Same goes for Black men. Shoot, men and women, in general.
Don't do it simply because of what cheat means—defraud, swindle, fraud by influence, violate rules, trick, victimize, deliberate dishonesty. Again, there's no way you can cheat on someone else and not cheat yourself in the process. This applies to men and women. Not one more the other either. As you just read.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Monica Will Never Blame Another Woman For A Man's Infidelity
Truths From A Former Side Chick
How To Tell Your Partner Your Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met
Why Do Men Cheat? 7 Underestimated Reasons Married Men Have Affairs
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Once upon a time, I knew a married couple who told me that they wouldn’t even discuss with each other who they found to be attractive on television because, in their minds, that was a form of cheating. They’re divorced now, and although there are a series of reasons why, it was always strange to me that things were so restrictive within their relationship that they couldn’t even share a fleeting thought about how someone looked.
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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