Here's What You Should Know About 'Micro-Cheating'
Aight, y'all. Are you ready to try and tackle this topic? Where to begin…where to begin? Oh, I got it. Not too long ago, I checked out a clip from OWN's Black Love series. The couple that I was watching was Salli Richardson-Whitfield and Dondré Whitfield. As they touched on the topic of infidelity, something that Salli stated was, "Well, I said if you did something, I don't know. I'm committed. I'm just gonna have to be mad at you for a long time, torture you. As long as you didn't have another family [I would stay]." Both she and Dondré seemed pretty light-hearted about the topic, but check it—the reason why I looked it up at all is because I initially saw the clip referenced in a forum and the women were H-O-T. Salli was called everything from stupid to desperate while the assumption was made that infidelity probably already happened which is why Dondré was laughing about it. (Goodness, y'all!)
Meanwhile, I'm over here on a totally different side of the fence. One, although they were speaking in total hypotheticals, Salli and Dondré have been married 16 years so, kudos to them for even accomplishing that in Hollyweird. Two, I couldn't help but wonder how many of the commenters have never been married before because it's real easy to say what you will or won't put up with until you are in the situation—or need to be forgiven yourself for cheating (ouch). And three, as a marriage life coach, I'm here to tell you that infidelity—which oftentimes includes surviving infidelity—actually happens a lot. Shoot, at least half of the couples I've dealt with have experienced it. Sometimes it's the husband who cheated, sometimes it's the wife—many times it's both. And, a lot of them have worked through it and have thriving marriages now.
Whenever I'm asked what I think about cheating, there are three things that I typically say. One, traditional marriage vows don't only consist of "remaining faithful so long as you both shall live". Sticking it out when your partner is broke and sick, holding them down during good times and bad, remaining until death parts you are up in there too. So, when a spouse doesn't do that, is that also a form of vow-breaking (just sayin')?
Two, we all should take a moment to think about how we'd want our partner to treat us if we cheated on them; sometimes we won't extend the forgiveness and mercy that we wish to receive. Three, what I would advise a married couple vs. a dating one is very different; married people took vows, they signed on a dotted line—it's far more serious. And four, cheating has layers and perspectives. What I mean by that is actor Olivia Wilde once said, "I think that women are more sensitive to emotional infidelity than men. I think men are more scared of physical infidelity." (I think it depends on the man or woman that you ask.) Author Susan Forward once said, "When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!" Dr. Shirley Glass once said, "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust."
What all of this screams out is you've got to figure out where your line is. With that said, micro-cheating is a form of cheating that can help you to know exactly where your line is.
So, What Is Micro-Cheating, Anyway?
Cheating is a form of betrayal and betrayal hurts. There's no doubt about that. And just how many people are betrayed via infidelity? When it comes to cheating in a marriage, it's been reported that 23 percent of husbands have cheated while 12 percent of wives have. But I'm thinking that 1) some folks didn't tell the truth and 2) that must be related to sex because another study reveals that 45 percent of men and 35 percent of women have owned up to participating in an emotional affair. As far as micro-cheating goes, it's what I consider to be the "gateway drug" to physical and emotional infidelity. It's when you basically ride the pencil-thin line of faithfulness and unfaithfulness.
But where it gets tricky is different people have different definitions of where that line actually is. So, how about I pose some situations and scenarios and you tell me if you think that it's crossing your line or not:
- Your significant other texting members of the opposite sex
- Your significant other going out to lunch or dinner with a female friend or co-worker
- Your significant other buying a woman you don't know a present or paying one of their bills
- Your significant other communicating with women that they don't reveal to you
- Your significant other responding to non-professional or strictly platonic DMs
- Your significant other still remaining in touch with their ex (or exes)
- Your significant flirting with other people
- Your significant other dancing with other people (whether they personally know them or not)
- Your significant other exchanging PG-rated pics to another woman
- Your significant other giving their phone number to someone of the opposite sex
When you see it in black-and-white like this, now do you see why micro-cheating has the "micro" in front of it and, based on how you define cheating, it can be a bit of a hard call? That's the entire point. Sometimes, it's the itty-bitty-seemingly-harmless acts that can put a person on the path to doing some real damage to their relationship.
When It Comes to These Actions, Check the Motive and Intent
If you go to your favorite search engine and put "micro-cheating" into the search field, you'll see a good amount of articles on the topic (a pretty good one is "Micro-Cheating Could Be Ruining Your Relationship. Here's What to Do About It."). I've read—or at least skimmed—a good amount of them. The conclusion that I've come to is it's all about motive. Well, motive and if your partner is sneaking or not. What I mean by that is (for instance) not everyone who is still friends with an ex is still trying to get with them (see "Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is Okay (& Healthy)" or heck, check out Erykah Badu and Common performing together at the 2019 Black Girls Rock! show). Same point applies to your man telling a female co-worker that she looks nice or him interacting with people on his socials that the two of you haven't had a detailed conversation about.
Where it gets tricky—and by "tricky" what I really mean is shady—is if something or one comes to your attention, you address your man and he blows it off, deflects or gets defensive (also check out "This Is How To Tell If Someone's Lying To You"). Because if everything is innocent, all good and totally above board, what is exactly the problem with you asking (not accusing but asking) and him answering what's up?
But here's the deal—if he does take an issue with your inquiry, that's when we've just entered into the totally uncomfortable world of micro-cheating. And if micro-cheating goes on long enough, there's a good chance that it could transition into full-blown cheating.
What Should You Do About a Micro-Cheater?
OK, so what exactly should you do if you find out that your man is a bona fide micro-cheater? Well, it can't be said enough that it's important that you both discuss a topic like this before you get to cussin' and delving out punishments—I'm sorry, I mean consequences. Because again, sometimes cheating looks different ways to different people. While you may make it a habit to block any ex or person who flirts with you online, don't assume that everyone else processes social media interaction the same way. It's when you and he have come to a mutual decision of what micro-cheating is and he violates it that things get…strange. Because if you've both decided to not do certain things and he does, that is a form of disrespect as well as a violation and, as a novelist by the name of Patti Callahan Henry once said, "Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break-up."
I agree—if you're dating. Because to me, dating is a lot like interviewing someone for a position; if they are showing you that they aren't qualified, it's best to end things before getting more involved. If you're married? I'm not saying to sit and take it by any stretch. But what I would encourage you to do is at least go to counseling first. I know many people who have been disappointed by their spouse, immediately left and went on to regret it whether it was a month later or 10 years down the road (I'll be writing about that soon; in the meantime, an article that address this is "4 Reasons You Might Regret Getting Divorced Down the Line"). Marriage isn't something to enter into lightly or leave without really thinking it through. Speaking with a therapist, counselor or coach may be able to offer up an "outside looking in perspective" so that you can make a decision that you can have complete and total peace about—now and years from now.
OK y'all. It's blatantly obvious that micro-cheating is something that could be discussed for days on end. But for now, at least if it comes up in the break room at work, you'll know what folks are referring to. And, if you want to find a way to "cheat proof" your relationship, you can forward this onto your boo so that the two of you can discuss what you both think micro-cheating is—and come to a mutual conclusion, moving forward.
A wise person once said that one snowflake is the beginning of an avalanche. Apply that here and it's more one act of micro-cheating could possibly become responsible for infidelity. Now that you know what it is, don't let it. Both of you…don't let it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Why Do Men Cheat? 7 Underestimated Reasons Married Men Have Affairs
I Caught My Husband Cheating --- Here's Why I Stayed
This Is Why I Have Mad Respect For People Who Break Off Their Engagements
10 Things Married Couples Wished They Paid More Attention To While Dating
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Regina King Reflects On Grief and Loss After Her Son’s Death: ‘The Sadness Will Never Go Away.’
The pain of losing a child is an experience that no parent wants to go through — and actress Regina King is now ready to speak about her experience with grief two years after her son’s passing.
In her first TV interview appearance since her son, Ian Alexander Jr., died by suicide in January 2022, King sat down with Good Morning America, to reflect on the tragic loss.
“I’m a different person, you know, now than I was January 19,” King shared. “Grief is a journey, you know? I understand that grief is love that has no place to go.”
“I know that it’s important for me to honor Ian in the totality of who he is, speak about him in the present because he is always with me and the joy and happiness that he gave all of us,” she added.
The Shirley star also added that it's vital to discuss the common misconception surrounding depression, noting that battles with mental health can manifest in diverse ways. “When it comes to depression, people expect it to look a certain way — they expect it to look heavy,” King told Robin Roberts.
“To have to experience this and not be able to have the time to just sit with Ian’s choice, which I respect and understand… He didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s a hard thing for other people to receive because they did not live our experience, did not live Ian’s journey.”
Jeff Kravitz / Contributor/Getty Images
The Academy Award winner openly revealed that she was initially “so angry with God.”
“Why would that weight be given to Ian? Of all of the things that we had gone through — therapy, psychiatrists, programs — and Ian was like, ‘I’m tired of talking, Mom,' " she said.
With the memory of her son near to her, King said through tears, “My favorite thing about myself is being Ian’s mom and I can say that with a smile, with tears, with all of the emotion that comes with that. I can’t do that if I did not respect the journey.”
Anderson, 26, was a musician, DJ, and King’s only child. In 2019, Ian escorted his mother on the red carpet of the Golden Globes where she took home the award for "Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture."
He toldE! News at the time, "She's just a super mom. She doesn't really let bad work days or anything come back and ruin the time that we have. It's really awesome to have a mother who I can enjoy spending time with."
Understanding that grief is shared by many others, King emphasizes the unique weight of her role as Ian's mother and acknowledges that the sadness will always be a part of her.
“Sometimes, a lot of guilt comes over me. When a parent loses a child, you still wonder, ‘What could I have done so that wouldn’t have happened?’ I know that I share this grief with everyone, but no one else is Ian’s mom, you know? Only me. So it’s mine. And the sadness will never go away. It will always be with me.”
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
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Featured image by Shannon Finney / Stringer/Getty Images