I Caught My Husband Cheating --- Here's Why I Stayed
I remember the day the world stood still for me.
My husband got a new phone and as always he gave me his old phone as a hand me down. At the time that he gave me the phone, I guess the invention of totally wiping out all data from a phone's memory had not been created because I found a weird file. Of course I opened the file and I swear I think my heart stopped beating for a few seconds before suddenly racing at 100mph.
I saw the MOST inappropriate discussions between my husband and some woman!
It was clear she did not live in our state, but the discussions held between the two displayed a familiarity with each other. It didn't exude a sexual familiarity, rather exchanges suggesting they were emotionally comfortable with each other. I remember thinking if the conversations were frivolous and centered around sex, I would have felt better. Still hurt. Still betrayed. Still distraught, but better. I still can't relive the details, but I'll just say it was clear that they filled an emotional need for one another.
Within an hour of discovering their texts, I had the chick's name, phone number, occupation, residential and employment history. My opinion of her was that she was an immensely lonely woman that was so desperate for male interaction. (Sidebar, I didn't confront her. Ladies, please never call another woman and give her the pleasure of knowing she's a center of controversy in your home. But that's a future blog). After intense reflection on my marriage and counseling, I realized the woman on the other end of that text was not the only lonely person; I later discovered my husband was an immensely lonely man desperate for female interaction as well.
The third year of marriage was extremely tough for me. My youngest daughter was one-year-old and I was still adjusting to being a mother of two, which was hard since I was an only child and my girls have a five-year age difference. Besides motherhood, my new post-baby body created insecurities in myself that I never knew could exist. I recall times when my husband would tell me how beautiful he thought I was and I would interrupt him and spend a few moments highlighting my flaws.
Work was also wearing me down. I went from maternity leave straight back to work on a high profile project. My days were very long and I was drained. If I wasn't at work, I was at the gym or running my oldest daughter to her after school activities. By the time I got home I was completely drained. (I remember waking up in random places in the middle of the night…the middle of my closet after passing out looking for something to wear the next day, the edge of my daughter's bed after putting her to sleep, etc.). I knew my stress levels were high and that my hectic life was getting to me. I thought it would be okay since my work situation was temporary due to my project, but I had no idea of the impact my temporary insanity had on my marriage.
I had no idea of the impact my temporary insanity had on my marriage.
I felt like me and my husband communicated all the time. Later I realized I was doing all the talking—constant complaints about my demanding job were wearing on my husband. As you can imagine, I was always irritable and snappy. Too tired for intimacy and too cranky for spontaneity, I had no clue that I was creating emotional havoc and a void in my marriage. I spent my weekends making up for lost time with my kids and balancing their activity schedules, but I didn't do anything extra to assure I remained connected with my husband.
He made the biggest mistake in the world and never communicated his feelings to me. He assumed I realized the distance and he thought I could care less. His emotional affair initially put our marriage in severe jeopardy. I immediately thought, oh hell no! There's no coming back and we're done! After three years of marriage, I was planning my marital exit strategy.
After a few talks, I agreed to go to counseling.
I figured the counselor was going to let him have it. I wanted him to know exactly how much he hurt me. To my surprise I was in the hot seat and was being called out to stop playing the victim and get to the root of the issues.
I don't take any blame for his actions, but I do take 100% blame for his feelings because I can honestly say that I created that environment. My husband was wrong for what he did and his actions to find fulfillment almost destroyed us. But, the irony in his infidelity was that it didn't break us, it actually made us stronger.
Despite all the information I learned about the other woman, today I don't even remember her name. She was merely a symbol of a much greater issue far beyond anything or anyone outside of our marriage can create. For me, it took way longer to move beyond the fact that my husband didn't feel secure about coming to me with his feelings vs. his indiscretion.
Today, my husband is more than capable of expressing his feelings and understands that holding back just to avoid temporary conflict was very unfair to me and did not give me the opportunity to at least recognize and correct my actions. As for me, I am a much more aware wife. I'm a go-getter so I still put a lot of effort in professional success, but I am so much better at balancing my life and at the end of the day, my family comes first. Our marriage will never be perfect—nothing in life is—but we're committed to each other and our marriage and we're not easily broken!
I hear so many women say that cheating is a deal breaker. I can certainly understand that sentiment because moving past the hurt is beyond difficult, but every situation is different. If you can honestly say that you give 110% to your marriage and that you unequivocally fulfill your spouse's needs and he strays, then leaving may be something to strongly consider for the man that seems impossible to satisfy despite your efforts! But I can honestly say I was not that wife and I have to make a conscious effort (every day) to be that wife.
If you are currently in the situation I was, before making any irrational decisions, you may want to review, reassess and then revitalize your marriage before calling it quits! Our situation forced me to stop only looking at him and to shift my focus to take the steps to become more aware of myself. Had I not taken those steps, I wouldn't be the Happy Wife I am today.
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Rhea Plummer is the founder and Executive Director of Fab Wives, a community of wives committed to love & marriage
Rhea's personal mission is to inspire wives by providing a raw and honest look into marriage through the stories shared on fabwives.com
The primary goals for Fab Wives are to reclaim the perception of modern day marriage and provide resources to assist wives in balancing the many acts associated with marriage in the new millennium.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Keith Powers On His Grooming Routine & Expressing Himself Through His Hair
Keith Powers is taking his crown back — that being his hair.
From a young age, the 30-year-old actor recalls having little say on how his hair was presented. As many of his friends and cousins had the liberty to experiment with hairstyles like cornrows, plaits, and fros, Powers’ parents opted for an easier look: a no-fuss, bald fade. “Man, I just want to grow my hair out,” he tells xoNecole. “When I was young, and I was like, 'Yo, when I get older, I'm doing whatever I want to my hair.'”
In time, Powers’ desire to test the limits of his hair’s potential grew from an act of intentional rebellion to a symbol of pride in his culture and textured hair. From his signature fade to red-carpet-ready tapered cut topped with curls, the New Edition Story star is no stranger to experimentation and switching his styles up. “That's why I do so many things like dye my hair," he shares. “It's just having pride in my hair, my look, and how I want to style it because my hair is a representation of how I feel in the moment.”
As one of Hollywood’s most talented stars, Power understands the influence of Black culture when setting trends and moving the needle within the industry.
A recent shift within the men’s grooming space has made room for an increasing focus on personal style and the creative pioneering in men’s hairstyling. With this in mind, Powers is using his platform to support and celebrate the new wave of Black men’s hair expression, in every way they choose to wear it. “I’m learning that there’s really no limitation on what I want to do with my hair,” he says. “Whatever I'm expressing with my hairstyle doesn't define who I am as a person.”
KISS Colors & Care and Keith Powers have joined forces in a new partnership that highlights the brand's signature collection designed specifically for curly and coily hair textures. Their custom line of products and accessories range from the Twist Curl Gel, and Twist King, to a curated selection of brushes, picks, durags, and sponges to help men nourish and protect their hair while also expressing the versatility and diversity of textured hairstyles.
Powers spoke to xoNecole about his hair grooming routine, how his hair allows him to express his personal style, and what he hopes to impart to his future children about loving and embracing their natural hair.
xoNecole: One thing that’s clear about your personal haircare/style over the years is that you’re not afraid to play around with classic haircuts like a fade, the tapered high top you have now. How has your exploration through these hairstyles influenced your overall sense of identity and self-expression?
Keith Powers: Growing up, I felt like my hair wasn’t presentable until it was cut all the way off. That’s kind of how my family would make it sound. Maybe there's a little baby trauma, but my parents were young, and they were learning. Now, I know I can express myself through my hair, and I don’t have to feel like my hair isn't professional in this setting because no matter what hairstyle you have, you can make it professional. I'm expressing myself now, and I know that doesn't define who I am like in the workplace or professionally.
xoN: Talk to us a little bit about your personal grooming routine. What are some of the products or brands that you reach for when it comes to your personal care?
KP: That's what I'm still trying to figure out. I always grew up not really having much hair on my head, but the Kiss Twist Gel Hair Gel has really been helpful with holding my hair together after hitting it with the curling sponge.
I really like to condition my hair as much as I can throughout the week. I try to do a treatment, like a treatment, and then I condition it. I switch so many conditioners — I just know I need to condition my hair because my scalp gets really dry. But I think I'm still really learning how to take care of my hair and that's with asking my friends for advice on different products to keep my hair moisturized. I think that's the hardest thing for me. I really feel like my hair dries out really fast. So it's a constant battle every day, but this is a fun one.
xoN: You’ve spoken openly about the significant role your father has played in your life and your desires of being a father and husband yourself one day. What would you teach your future children about self-care and self-expression?
KP: I think about that a lot. Kids really like to imitate what they see, so as a parent, you gotta find that balance of, okay, I want them to express themselves, but I have to do what's convenient for me and my kid when we’re getting ready in the morning.
I would love it if my future daughter wanted locs, but at the same time, she might want to switch things up and want to try different things. I just want my future kids to know that their hair, whatever texture it is, is beautiful and that they can express themselves how they want.
xoN: What advice would you give to others looking to experiment more with their hair and personal style?
KP: Just like Coach Prime says, ‘When you look good, you play good, and they pay.’ So it's really just about how you feel. I get inspired by watching films and animation, too. If I'm watching an animation, I'm like, ‘Yo, this hairstyle is fire, I could see myself doing something close to that.’ Sometimes, my hair makes me feel like a superhero. When I dye my hair, I really feel like a character out of a movie; it inspires and motivates what I wear, too. However you’re feeling, do it.
As you're looking for your look, or if you already have your look, just try different things. It’s fun and dope to see people, especially our people, express themselves with their hair because we can do so much with our hair, why minimize?
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Featured image by Ivan Apfel/Getty Images