Yeah, this one is about to be interesting. And let me just say this — since I know that the topic may be triggering for some of you, let me explain my thought process before we get into the thick of it all.
First, as a marriage life coach for many years now, let me just say that when it comes to who has confessed to committing infidelity (which can mean marital disloyalty or disloyalty, in general) more, at this point, it’s kind of neck and neck — if the wives don’t actually have a slight lead. Hmph, to tell you the truth, that’s why my eyebrow goes up (and sometimes my eyes roll as well) whenever I see the constant gender war topic of cheating coming up on social media — a part of me wonders if it’s the paranoia that comes from projecting more than anything else. After all, reportedly, 20 percent of men cheat, and 13 percent of women do yet let’s not overlook that the stats are based on how many have actually admitted to doing it before.
Second, as much as some of y’all wanna dog the Tubi app out, let me just say that for every 15 sucky movies, there are 4.5 good ones (LOL), especially in the indie section. One that I checked out a couple of years back is entitled28 Hotel Rooms. The gist is, it’s about two people who meet in — yep, you guessed it — 28 hotel rooms and share snippets of their lives over the course of a few years. At some point, they both are married. Throughout the entire film, things are complicated. It’s a cinematic reminder that asks the question, is cheating morally right? Telling someone you are going to do something and then not doing it never is. Cheating is not exempt. Yet is cheating as black and white as folks want it to be? Not by a country mile.
And third, rather than just say that cheating comes in shades of gray, I wanted to give some women who have experienced it firsthand to explain why. For the record, this isn’t about justification. It’s also not about seeking anyone’s approval. I just think that, again, as someone who works in the area of relationships, whether you’ve cheated, been cheated on, or are considering cheating, it’s important to look at the mindset behind it — one that is beyond something as simple as a person is “bad” or “selfish.” After all, since rarely does anyone ever plan to cheat…let’s look at 12 women (they picked a name to go by; pretty sure you can guess why they went that route) and how they found themselves in that type of, let’s go with, arduous dynamic. For some, it will bring clarity. For others, it will be a cautionary tale. Of that, I am sure.
(Heads up: I sought out women who physically cheated; emotional cheating is still cheating, yet it’s a beast of a totally different color. We’ll tackle that at another time.)
1. Irsula. 41. Married for 10 Years. Been Cheating for One.
Giphy“No one prepares you for how many changes you go through as a wife and that you have to go through it times two because your husband is too. Sometimes you can roll over in bed and feel like you’re in it with a complete stranger — and that they are feeling the same way. You can’t decide if you still love them or who you loved when you were someone different — and since the questions are all so complex, it’s not as simple as ‘just leave.’
"So, you stay and try and make it work, as best as you can, while still trying to get the needs that the ‘new you’ has…and that’s where another man can come in for me. ‘He’ fulfills who I am now. My husband satisfies who I once was and still am in some ways. I’m not saying that it’s right. I’m just explaining that infidelity can be really complex.”
"‘He’ fulfills who I am now. My husband satisfies who I once was and still am in some ways. I’m not saying that it’s right. I’m just explaining that infidelity can be really complex.”
2. Robin. 28. Engaged for Two Years. Been Cheating with Her Ex for Four Months.
“Since no one is going to know it’s me, I’ll just put it right on out there, okay? A lot of women cheat, and that’s why they’re always paranoid about their man doing it. And guess who a lot of them cheat with? Their ex. I love my man. He’s dragging his feet when it comes to setting a [wedding] date, and I’m sure that’s not helping things as far as my ex goes.
"But there’s also a chemistry between me and my ex that has never gone away. So, why not just marry him? Because chemistry is all we have. We wouldn’t be good partners or parents, but there is something about him that I haven’t found in anyone else — and so, until I’m officially a ‘Mrs.’, I see it as our last call.”
3. Lillian. 37. In a Committed Relationship for Three Years. Cheated During the First Year.
“My man knows about my cheating. It’s a long story, but the easiest way to explain is I didn’t think I deserved him. He loves me in a way that’s unfamiliar, and so I cheated with a guy, kind of like a backup plan, because I thought that eventually, he would leave. The guy wasn’t anything but sex, and it wasn’t even good sex.
"We started messing around a couple of months after my man and I made it official, and I didn’t tell my man until the second year of our relationship. He was hurt but not really shocked. He told me that he wished I’d love us enough to stop trying to ruin it. Because he didn’t leave, it changed my whole mindset about love and men.”
4. Mia. 29. Married for One Year. Cheated While Engaged.
Giphy“You know how they say that once you commit, men come out from everywhere? That’s basically what happened. A man from my past, who I had been looking for off and on since college, hit me up on my IG, and we started hanging out about three years into my engagement. My husband and I had been engaged for that long, and it kind of felt like marriage wasn’t going to happen. I’m not sure if it was more about not believing that my husband was serious about marrying me or [if] I wanted to see if something was still there with ole’ boy.
"What I will say is don’t play around with possibilities. Love ain’t a game of Spades. For the record, we had oral sex and not intercourse, and even that was only a couple of times. But the emotional ties? That’s what was really hard to get out of my system. I’m still doing it. My therapist knows all about it.”
"I’m not sure if it was more about not believing that my husband was serious about marrying me or [if] I wanted to see if something was still there with ole’ boy. What I will say is don’t play around with possibilities. Love ain’t a game of Spades."
5. Tonya. 33. Divorced for 10 Months. Because She Cheated.
“One side to being a virgin when you get married is a part of you always wonders if you missed out by not having sex with other people. At least, that’s my story. There’s nothing long or complicated about what happened. Sex with my husband seemed to have something missing. There was a guy I was really attracted to, and so we started having an affair. The sex was so good that I didn’t know how to keep matters separate, so I told my husband that I thought I was in love with someone else. He said that it was the love and not the sex that was a deal-breaker.
"What’s wild is now that I’m single, even though the guy and I still have sex, I realize that I was more caught up in how I felt during sex, not after. It was a hard lesson that cost me a lot. I’m not sure how much I regret it, but it’s not something that I would recommend — or repeat.”
6. Seraphina. 23. In a Committed Long-Distance Relationship. Currently Cheating.
“People say that long-distance relationships don’t work. I think it’s more like it can be difficult if you expect your partner not to cheat. I’m in the kind of relationship where my boyfriend doesn’t have as high of a sex drive as I do, and so, at least according to him, he can go several weeks without sex. I can’t.
"So, what I’m doing is more about sex maintenance than anything. And before y’all start, I don’t want to end my relationship. When I finish school, and my boyfriend and I can be in the same city, then this will end. Until then…”
7. Talia. 40. Married for 15 Years. Cheated Twice with an Ex While Married.
Giphy“You counsel married couples, right? Please tell people to get their sh-t with their exes cleared up before jumping a damn broom because that sh-t will catch up to you in ways that you would never imagine, especially if there have always been unresolved feelings. I think I read in one of your articles that you had to finally just stop speaking to your first love because the two of you were always trying to figure out a way to make it work. That’s me and my ex in a nutshell.
"He’s in a long-term situation, I’m married. There’s something between us. So yeah, we’ve hooked up a couple of times in my marriage. I’m not proud, but it’s not until you actually get married that you realize how long marriage is. And no, I don’t want to leave my husband. And yes, I am prepared that karma might kick my ass. If my husband cheated — or has already cheated — I wouldn’t leave him. One thing about cheating is it gives you grace for your partner because you see how easily it can happen.”
8. Xia. 37. Currently Single. Has Cheated in Every Relationship.
“Folks love to overanalyze other people. No offense, Shellie [Shellie here: none taken. LOL]. I came from a two-parent home. My parents are happily married. I was never abused or sexually assaulted. I don’t like porn. I think I’m attractive. Every guy I dated has been good to me. Hmm…what other reasons can people come up with for why I just don’t do commitment well? I’m the kind of person who doesn’t think that infidelity applies unless you’re actually engaged or married — but no, I have not been in a relationship where I haven’t slept with another person too.
"To be fair, I’ve only had three serious boyfriends in my life but…I think I just like variety. That’s why I’ve ‘cheated’ in every relationship and why I’ve resigned to just be single for the foreseeable future. Not really because [cheating] bothers me, but because I don’t want to hurt someone who might have a different value system than I do.”
"I’m the kind of person who doesn’t think that infidelity applies unless you’re actually engaged or married — but no, I have not been in a relationship where I haven’t slept with another person too."
9. Helen. 29. In a Committed Relationship for One Year. Currently Cheating.
“Remember how you once said to me that you think it’s wild that folks will defend casual sex all day long, and yet cheating is all of a sudden the worst thing that someone can do? That if we valued sex more, it should be applied across the board? I get what you mean. I just see ‘sex as sex’ whether I’m with someone or not.
"I didn’t really sign up to give my body only to my boyfriend — just my heart. He pretty much knows this about me, so although I haven’t told him that I have sex with someone else from time to time, men aren’t as stupid as some women say. I think he knows. Eventually, we’ll talk about it.”
10. Gaia. 34. Broken Engagement. Because She Cheated.
Giphy“Everything about my relationship with my fiancé was perfect — except for the sex. The mechanics of it were fine, it just wasn’t the kind of sex that I could see myself having for the rest of my life. I talked about it with my ex, especially after we got engaged, but it turned into hurt feelings on his part and resentment on mine.
"I cheated to see if it was a shallow situation; it wasn’t. Believe it or not, I broke off the engagement because, when I saw that sex could be more than what I was getting, I figured that I was overlooking some other real needs too.”
11. Olivia. 40. Engaged for Five Years. Currently Cheating.
“I’m not proud of what I’m doing, but I feel like I’m in between a rock and a hard place because my fiancé is someone I love, who isn’t rushing to get married, and the guy I’m cheating with is someone who fills all of the voids of my fiancé. I don’t wish this kind of situation on anyone, but I am thankful that you’re touching [on] this topic because it’s so easy for people to think that everything is black and white.‘
Just leave’ sounds real easy when feelings, families, and livelihoods aren’t involved. I don’t want to ‘just leave’ — I want more than what I’m getting is all.”
12. Dinah. 50. Married for 22 Years. Has Been Cheating Off and On the Entire Time.
“We’ve been together forever. We have children. When you have kids, and you care about your partner, no, it’s not as simple as just leaving. Sometimes cheating happens because you’re not unhappy, you’re just not totally satisfied. There are so many things that go into making a marriage work, and sometimes the stress of it all makes you want to get an escape.
"While I wouldn’t say that I’m in an ‘open marriage’ but I do see my choices as a way to make marriage easier to handle. Some people see a therapist to get through. Every couple of years or so, I’ll see…someone else. Oh, and it’s easy to cast judgment until you tell someone that you’ll have their back until you die. Personally, I don’t see how divorcing is more admirable than cheating is. Tell your readers I said that."
"While I wouldn’t say that I’m in an ‘open marriage’ but I do see my choices as a way to make marriage easier to handle."
____
There you have it: 12 women, 12 angles, 12 reasons to, yes, keep your standards wherever they are as far as infidelity goes. However, also realize that life can put you in some pretty complex situations if you’re so busy looking down on people that you don’t use their situations as teachable moments more than anything else.
I’ve been in this counseling game long enough to know that while I personally don’t condone cheating, I do have a level of compassion for people who are somehow (pardon the overuse of the next word) entangled in it — and have survived it.
Relationships have so many layers to them. For those who cheat, that is one of them. A very, yes, absolutely not black and white…one.
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- Nazanin Mandi & Miguel Say Therapy And A One-Year Break Saved Their Relationship ›
- Here's What You Should Know About 'Micro-Cheating' ›
- You Want To Cheat On Your Husband. How To Fight The Urge. ›
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Anyway, as we were also talking about how, let’s go with ho-hum, a lot of R&B is right now, especially when it comes to the lack of seduction that the genre used to have back in the day, I shared with him a joke that I once heard from comedian Deon Cole as he was comparing After 7 to today’s music. I’m actually going to post it below, so that you can get the full effect. LOL.
Video credit: @netflixisajoke
And that made me think of The Whispers and their throwback song, “In the Mood.” The real ones recall the lyrics: “Let me rub your shoulders (just relax)/Just let go/Slip on somethin' sexy/It's all right, baby, let me take control, hoo/ Step into the shower/I'll wash your back and you'll wash mine/Please stay for one more hour/I just want to make sweet love to you and feel you one more time….This is what I do to get you in the mood…Baby, I do it all to get you in the mood.” Ah, yes, music that sounds like intimacy instead of getting banged out.
And that made me want to ask a few women about what gets them in the mood as it directly relates to bedroom action, along with what, well, doesn’t. Check out what they said and then hop in the comments to share your own thoughts.
It’s always fascinating to hear about women’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs.
*Middle names are always used, so that people can speak freely*
1. Areyla. Single. 34.
GiphyTURN ON: “I’ve always been drawn to two things: how a man smells and how crisp his line-up is. You bring a man to me who smells earthy and sexy whenever I hug him, and then he has the nerve to have a fresh haircut — girl, I am all over him! I think that it mostly has to do with those things being a sign of self-care, in a meticulous way. And if you’re into the details of you, I have no question that you will be into the details of me.”
TURN OFF: “Dirty fingernails. I have a natural curve in my own nails, so I get that it’s not always about a lack of hygiene or that he’s negligent. I just know that if you want your hands to go into certain places and spaces, you’ve got to get up under those nails, babe. I keep metal files and nail brushes in my bathroom because of it.”
2. Dachelle. Dating. 29.
GiphyTURN ON: “There are dirty talkers, then there are sensual speakers. I don’t need you to sound like you transcribed a porn video during sex. I do like when a man drops his voice an octave, speaks barely above a whisper, and asks me questions like, ‘So, what do you want me to do to you tonight? Be specific.’ And don’t let him have a strong vocabulary! I am definitely a sapiosexual, so the more intentional he is with his words, the better.”
TURN OFF: “Men who don’t cuddle. Maybe that sounds obvious, but some of my friends couldn’t care less about that. To me, if you don’t want to be close to me unless you are inside of me, that feels like we only have a physical connection, and sex means more to me than that. A man who spoons me right after sex because he wants to is gonna get another round from me. A man who doesn’t doesn’t, he also doesn’t have to worry about seeing me ever again.”
Shellie here: If you’re unfamiliar with what a sapiosexual is, check out “Tap Into What It Means To Be A Sapiosexual.”
3. Chayla. Engaged. 27.
GiphyTURN ON: “This might sound weird, but I like a man who doesn’t ‘come in hot.’ You know — guys who go down on you and act like they know just how you like it, or guys who immediately put you in a sex position and go ham like I should immediately be impressed. For me, that translates that they are doing to me what they’ve done with some woman before me, and we might not like the same things. That’s why I enjoy sexual conversations before sexual experiences. Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me. My fiancé is like that — and that’s a big part of why he’s about to be my husband.”
"Ask me how I like to be touched and licked. Ask me what my favorite sex position is. Get to know me before you get to know me."
TURN OFF: “There’s nothing wrong with some hair pulling during sex; I’m all for it. What I need you to not do is pull my head into your stomach while I’m giving you head. There is already too much going on during that time and a sistah needs to breathe!”
Shellie here: We actually tackled the hair-pulling topic before on this platform. Check out “Contrary To Popular Assumption, Black Women LOVE Getting Their Hair Pulled During Sex” when you get a chance.
4. Indigo. Married. 41.
GiphyTURN ON: “I know I sound married when I say this, but — clean this house, baby. In our home, we have a chores chart, kind of like what some of us grew up with. My husband and I each have days when we do certain things, so when he takes the initiative to do what’s on my list? That’s less work for me, which gives me more energy for him. And don’t let that man cook and clean up the kitchen more than twice in a week. How do you want it? How do you freaking want it, my love?’
TURN OFF: “My husband does his own laundry. We’re all grown and just like we have periods, men have fluids ‘n stuff in their drawers too. That’s fine. But anyone who says that keeping some mystery in a marriage isn’t needed, that’s somebody who doesn’t want to have a lot of sex. Just sayin’.”
Shellie here: There’s actually something to that chore thing. Studies say that couples who share chores end up having more sex. You can read about it here, here, and here.
5. Twyla. Dating. 25.
GiphyTURN ON: “Hickeys turn me on. Two things that I can’t do are whistle and give hickeys, so I’m amazed when others can do it — and yes, when I see…what do the older folks call it, love bites, on my breasts or tummy, that makes me feel desired on another level and it puts me in the mood pretty quick.”
TURN OFF: “Hickeys where you can see them are a turn-off, though. I don’t need people all up in my business. Also, guys who don’t let you know when they’re about to cum when they’re in your mouth. Not everyone’s taste and flow are the same down there, and I have a gag reflex. Announce the rainstorm, sir. I appreciate it.”
6. Essence. Married. 31.
GiphyTURN ON: “Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants. You ever had a man tongue down, not just your neck but your wrists, tummy, and even behind your knees? A good kisser is one thing. A good all-over-the-place one? I ain’t going no damn where.”
" Kissing every part of me like you kiss my mouth is always gonna get him just what he wants."
TURN OFF: “Stubble. On the face and down there. It puts me in a bind because I think my husband is sexy with a salt and pepper stubble beard, but when we do a lot of kissing, it gives me beard burn, and when I’m giving him head, stubbly pubes irritate my forehead. I mean, you asked.”
7. Queen. Divorced (and Dating). 33.
GiphyTURN ON: “Men who know that there is more to us than T&A is a huge turn on for me. Kiss my forehead. Lick my neck. When you’ve got my legs on your shoulders, kiss my legs. Suck on my fingers. Help me find new spots that turn me on. Sh-t. Is it hot in here? Damn.”
TURN OFF: “My turn off is the opposite of my turn on. It’s not even so much that I want a lot of foreplay — I just want you to act like you don’t just have to play with my kitty kat to get me going. Men who don’t learn how to enjoy all of a woman are lazy lovers — and that is going to turn me dry every time.”
8. Eleena. Single. 46.
GiphyTURN ON: “If you want to get me in the mood, call me to ask what kind of sex I want to have with you. Maybe it’s just me, but my mood can determine what I’m in the mood for. One day, I might want a lot of romance. One day, we might need a safe word. One day, a quickie is what I have in mind. Pre-gaming the sex by discussing gets me in the mood because it gets us both on the same page before anything happens — and that can already make sex hot as hell.”
TURN OFF: “I don’t like it when men have sex with themselves. I don’t mean masturbating — I mean, when you are nothing more than the audience to whatever they have in mind. It’s like they get off on themselves: looking in the mirror, asking 'Do you like that?' when they aren’t really doing anything. If we’re having sex, I need you present and into me. Otherwise, you can do whatever you had in mind…by yourself…at your house.”
9. Reveeda. Married. 43.
GiphyTURN ON: “A lot of times, it’s not the sex itself that makes sex boring — it’s the predictableness of it. Take me while I’m washing my face in the bathroom. Go down on me in the driveway of our home. Shoot me a text and tell me to meet you at the first hotel where we had sex. My husband is the best that I’ve ever had because, yes, he’s good in bed, but more than that, he’s spontaneous and that gets me in the mood — and keeps me in the mood.”
TURN OFF: “69’ing turns me off. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and it’s hard for me to concentrate. Plus, I can’t get the right angle while doing him, and I can’t put his head where I want it to be while he’s doing me. Y’all can keep that position. Sex shouldn’t be so complicated.” (She laughed while she said it.)
10. Umi. Divorced (and Single) 36.
GiphyTURN ON: “I like to be flung around like I only weigh 10 pounds. I like to be choked. I like a man who stares me dead in the eyes while eating me up. Sexual confidence is gonna get me every time.”
TURN OFF: “Men who bring their ego into the bedroom. You might think that confidence and an ego are the same thing, but they’re not. Men who want to be rated, who want to know if I think their penis is the best ever or who assume that they are doing me right without consulting me — that’s not confidence; that’s peak insecurity and a total waste of my time. From the bottom of my heart, check your ego at the door.”
____
There you have it — 10 women who are crystal clear about what gets them going and what stops them dead in their tracks. What can you relate to? What makes little to no sense to you at all?
At the very least, forward this on to your girlfriends and hold your own unofficial polls the next time that y’all meet up. You never know what you might learn to get you even more in the mood — and what to do about the things that get you out of that same headspace.
After all, knowledge is power. Even in that bedroom of yours.
Straight up.
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