You Want To Cheat On Your Husband. How To Fight The Urge.
Let's tackle a double standard today, shall we? Even as a woman, something that I find to be a real trip is how, when men do something that we don't like, oftentimes it's wrong—point blank and period. Oh, but let us do the exact same thing and here we come with the justifications for why it should get a pass. A good example of this comes from the article, "Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That's You." that I penned for the site a couple of years back. If there weren't jokes that were made in the comment sections of our socials, women were writing me to explain why them being unfaithful wasn't "as bad". What. In. The. World?
When two people vow to be husband and wife, a part of what comes with that is fidelity. And no, it's not—pardon the pun—better or worse if a husband or wife does it. It sucks either way. With that being said, because marriage can also be mad challenging at times, sometimes things are understandable, even if they aren't justifiable. What I mean by that is, it can be easier to slip into an affair than a lot of us who've never had one may think. And until you fall into that kind of space, it can also be easy to say that you never would when actually, statistics say that, based on the age demographic, sometimes it's actually the women who cheat more than the men do (the more you know, chile).
Since cheating is rather rampant (around half of all married people will cheat at some point in their relationship), it's kind of a trip how taboo the topic is when it comes to actually discussing it head on. Yet because I have sat in so many sessions where the wife either cheating or wanting to cheat is the issue, I thought it would be important to share what you should do if you find yourself in this head/heart/libido space and you're not exactly sure what to do about it. If that is indeed you, let's begin here.
1.First, What’s Going on With Your Marriage That's Making You Want To Cheat?
It might sound cliché, yet I promise you that there is a lot of truth to the saying, if someone cheats in their relationship, it speaks more to what is transpiring (or not transpiring) within their marriage than it ever does about the other individual. Case in point. I have a friend who recently survived an emotional affair with an ex. It almost got to the point where sex went down but some messiness in the ex's life (cough, cough…another woman) nipped it in the bud. The thing is, this friend was going through a really difficult time in her marriage at the time and, you know what they say about that damn 80/20 rule—when you're not getting the 20 percent that you want at any given time, it can feel like the other 80 is close to being pretty irrelevant.
My friend, the wife, was in need of a man who listened to her and made her feel appreciated. Her husband was doing anything but that which left a gaping hole for her ex to walk back into. When she finally cut off all communication with her ex and she and her husband got into counseling, she recalled why her ex was her ex to begin with. I'm telling you, affairs are a trip because they're a lot like mirages in the sense that, more times than not, the other person really isn't all that—you're just so depleted in your own relationship that you want them to be.
That's why, if an affair is something that you're currently in or even contemplating, first ask yourself why your marriage isn't currently fulfilling you. I don't mean in the vague sense either. Get specific. The clearer you are in what your marriage is lacking right now, the better you'll be able to figure out how to fill those voids—without being unfaithful.
2.Who Is the Person You Want To Cheat on Your Spouse With?
Boundaries. If there is one thing that all marriages need, it's boundaries. This brings me to my next point. Whoever the guy is that you're considering cheating with, where did he come from because that answer will make it easier for you to figure out how to set some limits. Is it an ex? Is it someone at work? Is it a guy who is—well, was—just a friend? Maybe it's someone you met online or someone who is connected to a friend of yours.
While some folks are strategically selfish in their relationships—meaning they intend to cheat and so they do—oftentimes affairs are far more gradual than that. We find exes (or they find us) on social media. We get way too comfortable with referring to a co-worker as a "work husband" (you've got ONE husband, by the way). We tell our male friends more about how we're feeling than our own spouse. We sneak online or use a friend as an alibi to hang out with one of their buddies.
One of the reasons why I'm big on advising single people to totally get their heart pieces back prior to marriage (check out "Why Every Woman Should Go On A 'Get Your Heart Pieces Back' Tour") is because, if you don't get some sense of closure and fully heal from your past situations, oftentimes they will be dormant instead of dead—and dormant has a way of resurfacing when we least expect it.
Yet even beyond exes, temptations don't end just because you've got a husband. Whoever the guy is, be honest with yourself about how you've relaxed your boundaries in the first place to even get where you are with and about him. Then use the self-control that is required to put those limits back in place. If you need a close friend (one who can be completely trusted) or a reputable therapist/counselor/coach to help to hold you accountable, get one. You're already vulnerable. Don't disillusion yourself into thinking that boundaries will suddenly just…appear. You've got to build those jokers. And sometimes it takes some real blood, sweat, and tears to do so.
3.How Do You Know When You’ve Crossed the Line? How Do You Know It’s Cheating?
Back when I was touring with a ministry that dealt with porn and sex addiction, I was constantly encountering women who said they were virgins yet they would engage in oral and/or anal sex. Since a lot of them grew up in the church, they felt like so long as they weren't vaginally penetrated with a penis, it was all good. First up, yeah…I'm not so sure about that. When the Bible speaks of virginity, it's referring to sexual purity (which is why some translations use words like "chaste") not just "not technically doing it". And second, short of pregnancy, oral and anal sex can put you just as much at risk as vaginal sex can.
Do you see where I am going with this on the cheating tip? Some married people are in relationships that are totally inappropriate. However, because there may not be any actual sex going down, they figure it's all good. No cigar, sis. There are emotional affairs. There are online affairs. There's crushing on someone else so hard that you either try and manipulate your partner into becoming more like that person or you fantasize about that individual (including during sex with your mate). Then there are physical levels of interaction. And these are just some examples of how you can cheat without traditionally copulating.
How do you know when you've crossed the line? Do it like this—if your husband was doing the same thing(s) that you are, how would you feel? Don't say "fine" just so that you can excuse your own actions. Be real about it. If that lunch date, conversation or physical embrace would make you feel some type of way, then you have gone too far. On some level, you are cheating because you aren't being faithful to the understanding that you and your partner have about what is cool and what…isn't. You are expecting from your spouse what you are not willing to do. And yeah, that's being unfaithful—to him and yourself—AF.
4.Write a List of Pros and Cons for Your Spouse and the "Contender"
Oh, I'm good for a pros and cons list because sometimes we need to see things in black and white in order to make wise choices. Another wife that I know (who's divorced now) was in an affair with a guy for about three years before she tried to end it (she didn't clean break it, so her marriage ultimately didn't survive). Her husband was built like a walrus. The man she was cheating with worked out daily. Her husband was always on the road. The man she was cheating with gave her constant attention. Her husband had a low libido. The guy she was cheating with was always good to go.
Yeah, let me address that last point first. If you're single, you want to get married and you're reading this, please keep in mind that while married sex can—and should—be totally wonderful and extremely fulfilling, one of the reasons why a lot of people are thrown off by it during the first couple of years is because "single-sex" can be extremely selfish. It's all about you and your needs when marriage is about substituting "me" for we. So, of course, sex with your husband is going to have seasons of being less exciting than some new guy who is encouraging you to act like you're single all over again. Of course, the sex is going to seem unbelievable—at least for a while.
At the same time, when it comes to whatever is going down physically and otherwise, it's important to really assess both men and the connections as unbiased as possible. Is your husband a good provider—monetarily and in other ways? Does he love you? If you've got kids, is he a good father? What are the things you've been through together and he's always been there? Why did you choose your husband in the first place? Then, when it comes to ole' boy, other than what is happening on a carnal tip, what is he bringing into your world that is long-lasting and reliable (because again, he's down to help you gamble at blowing your entire world up, so how much can you trust him)?
If the pros with your husband outshine the cons, you know what you need to do. If the pros are somehow larger with the one you're cheating with—tell me…why are you cheating? Why aren't you taking steps to end your marriage in order to be with him? Trust me, the answer to that question will reveal a lot about what's actually going on…too.
5.Have You Thought Past the Present?
Wanna know a clear indication that you are moving in these streets in a mature way? You don't just make decisions based on how you feel or what you want in the present. No, what you actually do is factor in how what you say and do today could impact your life—in 30 minutes, in a week from today, and 10 years from now.
There is another woman I know who cheated on her first husband, shoot, decades ago. The child that she created with that man never knew it and the person she cheated with ended up molesting her child after she married him. When that child found out, as an adult, they wanted nothing to do with their mom because they are now traumatized by the fact that her selfishness put them in harm's way—and she lied about it. Again, this all happened decades ago and yet the woman is dealing with consequences right in the here and now.
It seems like not a day goes by in the news cycle when we don't read about something someone did years ago that they are currently paying for. Listen, that man you're cheating with (or thinking about cheating with)? It might seem like bliss now; still, it's a huge gamble that it won't catch up to you, in some way, in the future. Very few things in this life don't plant seeds that sprout when we least expect it. Be careful that you factor all of this in with every decision you make. The outcome of an intoxicating affair can sober you up. Real fast.
6.Understand That Cheating Is ALWAYS a Shaky Foundation
I'm not gonna lie to you. I know several marriages that have survived affairs—affairs from both sides—and I even know a couple who married who cheated on their first spouse with each other and have been together like 30 years at this point. Yet one thing that all of these people will tell you is cheating is a shaky foundation to try and build anything on. Aside from the popular sayings like "if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you" (which isn't automatically the case) or "once a cheater, always a cheater" (also not true; if you don't want to be thought of that way, don't put that stigma on others), the fact that you stepped outside of your relationship to begin with meant that either you or your marriage was broken—if not both. And to me, that's like trying to build a house on a foundation that is already cracked. Let the right storm come and the house isn't going to stand like you thought it would.
An affair? It definitely comes from a state of brokenness, no matter how much you may try to deny it or even romanticize it. It really is best to not "escape" into what keeps you from dealing with the real issues and instead figure out what is happening in your marriage and how to repair it. Besides, a guy who is down to help you dishonor your union is a guy who is broken his damn self on some level. Broken things cut, one way or another. And sometimes the healing process is complex, messy, and long. Choose wisely, sis. Not emotionally. Not hormonally. Not temporarily. Wisely.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- Dreaming About Your Partner Cheating: What It Means - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- 12 Reasons Why Women Cheat - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- I'm cheating on my husband, but I'm much happier now—and it's ... ›
- Why So Many Women Cheat on Their Husbands ›
- Signs of Cheating: 33 Things People Say Before They Cheat | Best ... ›
- I want to cheat on my husband | Love Letters ›
- Confessions: Why I Cheated on My Husband and Never Told | Fatherly ›
- Why Do I Want To Cheat On My Partner? What Your Desire Really ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images