There are honestly some things that you just can't tell your man that you can tell your work husband.
Your work husband speaks your same language and understands all of your “inside jokes." He drinks coffee with you every morning, knows your birthday, your favorite food, all of your pet peeves, and he is always there when you need to vent. A day doesn't go by that you don't talk and laugh with him about absolutely nothing.
A work husband is a type of office spouse that you work with and share a special work relationship with that can be very similar to the one that you may have with someone that you are intimate with, like with your husband or boyfriend.
When I first heard of the term “work husband" or “work wife" I immediately thought, “Oh hell no! I wish my man would have a work wife!".Now that I have thought more about it, the idea of an office spouse is not bad as long as certain lines are not crossed (okay, I wouldn't be cool with my boyfriend even using the word “wife" when referring to someone else - even if it was just a work wife).
If you are in a relationship, but have a close male friend at work, it is important to keep your relationship with them strictly nonsexual and completely platonic. Although you know in your head you would never cheat on your significant other, you have to keep in mind that the same person that you call your work husband is someone that you spend all day with, take lunch breaks with, and share all of your thoughts, hopes, and dreams with.
Even though you may not see it or admit it, there is some form of intimacy between you two with the type of relationship that you have - but you are just not intimate. Well, not yet.
Just think about it. You are with that work husband all day long. You share a special bond. And what if he is walking around looking like Michael B. Jordan, too? Whew! What are you going to do?
Before your innocent work marriage turns into an affair, utilize the tips below so that you don't break up their happy home or yours.
Don't keep the relationship secret.
If you feel the need to not tell your man about another male friend, then honestly, it looks suspicious. Your man should know about your male friends, and you should know about his. Just think about it and put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if your man had a close female friend at work, but didn't tell you about it? Yeah, I know, all hell would break loose!
Introduce them, but don't make it awkward.
If you have a close relationship with your work husband, then your man should definitely meet him. The meeting should be casual - maybe at a happy hour or at your job's holiday party. When you introduce your work husband to your man, introduce him by using the title that he has in your life. For example, if your significant other is your boyfriend, the introduction should be, “Hey, this is my boyfriend, my honey that I am always telling you about." This will show your man that you are not ashamed to tell the whole world who he is, and what he means to you.
Remember, what happens at home, stays at home.
When you first got together with your man, everything may have been like heaven on Earth, but we all know that things happen, and that heaven doesn't last all day, every day. There will be times when your man upsets you or when you two will go through some things. When this happens, keep these private details of your relationship away from your work husband. Honestly, it isn't his business, and I'm sure your man wouldn't want you crying to another man about him. Would you care if he vented to another woman about you? Yeah, I thought so.
No texting after dark allowed.
I don't know about you, but if my man's phone buzzes late at night, my head switches around so quickly, and I wonder, “Who in the hell has the audacity to text/call him this late at night?" Unless it is an emergency, I always felt people should have more respect for me as his woman and not call or text his phone late at night - especially his female friends.
The same should go for you and your work husband. Although you and he have a special bond, keep the text messaging to a minimum, especially after hours. If there is something that you need to tell him and it is late, let it wait until the next day.
Don't look like a side-line chick.
Personally, I have a few male friends, and most of them are in relationships. When I see their girlfriends or wives, I make sure that I am friendly and I try my best to make her feel comfortable. I never want my friends girlfriends to think that I have something going on with their man.
You should try to do the same with your work husband. Whenever you are around her, make sure you acknowledge her and look at both of them when talking. Even more, find something nice to say about her. Every woman can admit that flattery is the easiest way to a woman's heart, so make sure you tell her how much you've heard about her (and if she has on a nice outfit, it is okay to tell her that too).
What do you think about having work husbands or work wives? Do you have one, and if so, how do you keep the relationship innocent? Let us know below!
Featured image by Getty Images
- Seven signs you have a work spouse - CNN.com ›
- Urban Dictionary: Work Husband ›
- Signs You've Crossed The Line With Your Work Spouse | HuffPost ›
- Your Work Husband: 4 Rules for Keeping the Peace at Work and ... ›
- Why Scientists Think You Should Have a Work Spouse | Inverse ›
- Are you crossing the line with your work spouse? - Chicago Tribune ›
- Subtle signs you have a work spouse - BI ›
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
Credits
Director of Content: Jasmine Grant
Campaign Manager: Chantal Gainous
Managing Editor: Sheriden Garrett
Creative Director/Executive Producer: Tracey Woods
Cover Designer: Tierra Taylor
Photographer: Ally Green
Photo Assistant: Avery Mulally
Digital Tech: Kim Tran
Video by Third and Sunset
DP & Editor: Sam Akinyele
2nd Camera: Skylar Smith
Camera Assistant: Charles Belcher
Stylist: Casey Billingsley
Hairstylist: DaVonte Blanton
Makeup Artist: Drini Marie
Production Assistants: Gade De Santana, Apu Gomes
Powered by: European Wax Center
The start to any flawless glam depends heavily on skin prep. Whether you are a cleanser, vitamin C, followed by SPF girly, or not, starting on clean, well-hydrated skin makes a huge difference in makeup that lasts. With both primer recommendations we highlight below, be sure to apply a hydration routine that works best for your skin type and concerns.
Secure The Sweat Waterproof Mattifying Primer
One/Size, the beauty brand founded by Patrick Starrr, launched the Secure The Sweat Waterproof Mattifying Primer. This makeup primer, according to the One/Size site, promises to be “sweatproof, waterproof, and shine proof.” Secure The Sweat delivers up to 12 hours "of oil resistance, shine control while remaining mattifying.” It is an aluminum-free formulation with “botanical alternatives to provide a skin-safe option to balance excess sweat.”
Secure The Sweat retails for $34, and the application process to reap the maximum benefits of the primer is simple, beginner friendly, and easy to follow.
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
How To:
You want to start on fresh skin using a dime size amount. Warm the primer up on your fingertips, then pat the primer into the skin.
This is the step you want to follow to the T to reap the full 12-hour benefits. Wait 1 minute before applying foundation or desired base makeup.
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
The final result is comfortable on the skin while maintaining a completely matte finish.
E.L.F Cosmetics Power Grip Primer
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
The E.L.F Cosmetics Power Grip Primer is the primer of the year for 2023! The Power Grip Primer retails for $10 and is the best cost-effective way to get long-lasting makeup. The Power Grip primer leaves the skin with a super-hydrated natural finish. Great for dry skin types, it's packed with ingredients like hyaluronic acid, niacinamide, and glycerin.
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
How To:
Like Secure The Sweat primer, the application is easy to follow. Apply evenly to the skin. Using your fingertips, warm the product and pat the product into the skin. Allow the primer 30 seconds to set before applying foundation or desired base makeup.
While the E.L.F Cosmetics Power Grip primer is exceptional and a personal favorite, I had to put Secure The Sweat to the test. I wore the primer for a full 12 hours.
My makeup after 12 hours with primer.
Jorine Dorcelus/xoNecole
As promised, my makeup was intact after a long day of running errands, a walk in 80-degree weather, and filming under studio lighting. I noticed some shine around my t-zone later in the evening, but nothing compared to how my unprimed routine would break down in a 12-hour time frame.
Whether you choose the Power Grip or Secure The Sweat, it's safe to be outside this summer because your makeup is not going anywhere!
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Brooke Fasani/Getty Images
