Even after all of these years of being a marriage life coach, if there's a consistent thread that I've experienced with my clients, one that always tends to fascinate me, it's how so often there can be two people who started out being totally into each other; then, life gets in the way and the very same things that caused a husband and wife to not be able to keep their hands off of one another are now some of the very things that cause them to go a couple of months without having sex, without even blinking an eye. What's the deal? Like, really?
From a research standpoint, it's interesting what causes people to be attracted to one another in the first place—looks (of course), a good sense of humor, a person's level of ambition and even relatable past experiences. However, when I read an article on Insider's site entitled, "Why you're attracted to certain people, and not others", a takeaway that tickled me was, "When it comes to love, most people have an idea of what they're looking for in a partner".
Singles, this is actually a part of the reason why I wrote the article for this platform, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist". It's because the reality is, a lot of people get into relationships simply because a person is pleasing to the eye or makes them feel some type of way, yet they don't really make the time to ponder if they are truly attracted to them in a broader sense. You know, if the person shares their same values, if they complement their lifestyle, if they are on the same page when it comes to spiritual and sexual compatibility…things like that. And when you don't take those types of things into long and serious account before jumping the broom, it can be real easy to "fall out of attraction" once bills, arguments, unattractive habits and even time changing the two of you transpires.
So, what do you do when you're married and, while you still love your husband, you are in a space where you don't really feel all that attracted to him? That's a good question. Personally, I'm a fan of more questions being asked in order to get to the right answer(s). Are you ready to do a little soul-seeking?
Do You Feel Emotionally Disconnected Somehow?
While it might seem odd that most of us are attracted to someone, out the gate, by how they look, I actually want to start this off by inquiring about how you feel about your man emotionally right now. It's no secret that if a lot of women do not feel emotionally in sync with their partner, his looks really aren't going to matter much. Not only that, but a classic dictionary definition of attract is "to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite".
When I wrote the article, "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship" and also "10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis", it was partly to confirm the fact that our feelings matter. One example is the last man who broke my heart. We've managed to remain friends (long story and another article for another time) yet it's interesting. He looks just like he did when we were "in our situation" and so, from a physical standpoint, I still think he's cute, I'm not drawn to him in the least. It's because my feelings towards him have changed. I don't trust him in the same way. I don't share with him all of what I used to. I don't respect certain things about how he handled our dynamic. So yeah, we're healing yet there is definitely an emotional disconnect.
So, I would start there. If you're not really into your husband right now, take a moment to think about how he makes you feel. If you can't use words like "good", "safe" and "confident in the relationship", then there is an emotional disconnection somewhere. Either talking it out or seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach can typically help you to figure out how to get your connection back again.
Have You Lost Respect for Him on Some Level?
If you've been reading my copy for a while now, you know that I'm good for bringing the Bible into an article, as I think it applies. Well, for this particular point, Scripture certainly applies. The Classic Amplified Version of Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." Some of y'all might not like this very much but hey, I didn't make it up. It's what the Word says. And here's the thing. Just like love languages are all about expressing love in the way that your partner needs to feel it (not the way you do), according to Scripture, women feel loved with love while men feel loved when they are respected. On that last point, you know what else? We are able to love a man more when we respect him too (well look at that!).
I've got a friend right now who's been struggling in her marriage because her husband is the consummate mama's boy. Back when they were dating, she thought it was endearing because it appeared nurturing and gentlemanly. Now that she's realized that she's basically in second place—with his mama always coming in first—she's pretty disgusted (and that's putting it mildly).
If there are three things that most wives expect from their husband, it's him having the ability to protect, provide (not just or only financially but holistically so) and cherish her. When any of those things are lacking, it's hard to do what the Word says—regard, prefer, or esteem her husband.
My friend's husband isn't protecting, providing, or cherishing his wife like he should because either his mama's needs come first or he doesn't serve as a barrier between his mom and his wife when his mom tries to take jabs. And how can you wanna be close to a man who you don't feel is acting like one?
Protect. Provide. Cherish. If you're struggling with being attracted to your man right now, ask yourself if you feel like he's failing—or flailing—in any of these areas. If he is, that at least can give you a starting point of what you need to share with him—and why.
Is Your Lack of Attraction Physical—or Sexual?
I'm gonna share a double standard that drives me totally up the wall. How is it that when a woman gains weight in a marriage and her husband struggles with remaining physically or sexually attracted to her, he's the ultimate jerk? Oh, but when a man grows a gut and his wife turns up her nose, suddenly the mockery is justified. One of the biggest lessons that marriage teaches you is how to apply the Golden Rule—do unto others as you would have them do until you—on the daily.
That said, let's not act like attraction doesn't also mean "to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel)". Yeah, something that's unfortunate when it comes to many marriages is, that once two people say "I do", one or both can get a little lazy (idle, sluggish) on the physical appearance front. I honestly can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I've got him now, why do I need to go through all of that effort for?" Umm, because your husband didn't suddenly go blind on his wedding day and also, what about you wanting to look bomb for yourself? Geeze.
And let me bring something up about the lack of sexual attraction too. Someone else in my world has been having issues in her marriage for years because the way she views sex—how she wants to have it when she wants to have it and even why she wants to have it—has evolved over the years. Meanwhile, her husband has remained pretty "sexually stagnant" in a lot of ways because, in his mind, so long as he's got BDE (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go") and a high sex drive, it should be all good, right? Wrong, sir.
Back when I wrote the article, "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", a part of my motivation was to shout out the fact that marriage comes with a different level of responsibility than "single sex" does. That's because sex isn't to be treated like a "perk" in marriage; it is actually a key and core ingredient in making a committed relationship last (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important").
This is why it's important to make sure that you go beyond just the "mechanics" of sex when it comes to your partner. Are you both on the same page sexually? Do you have similar needs and expectations? As you both grow and evolve, do you view sex in a different way? Have your changes in hormones or even body image caused you to want different things?
A lot of marriages are struggling out here because sexual attraction has died down and unfortunately, rather than dealing with the issue, they settle for not having sex at all. I say it often and I mean every word—if you are physically able to have sex with your spouse and you're not doing it, your marriage is showing signs of being unhealthy. If you fall into this category, please check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.", then consider having that chat with your partner tonight. You deserve all that comes with marriage—including being physically and sexually attracted to your hubby. Still.
Did You Go into Marriage with an Unrealistic Attraction Expectation?
Marriage is a mirror. I'm a firm believer of that as well. "Mirror" in the sense that it will show you some things about yourself in a way that no other relationship on this planet ever can or ever will. Well, if after pondering all of the things that I've already said, if you don't feel like any of those points apply but you're still like, "Yeah…I'm still not attracted right now, though", ask yourself what your expectations were going in.
Something else that I also oftentimes hear a lot in my sessions is people saying, "I had no idea that marriage was going to be this challenging" or "Somehow, I thought that marriage was going to be a lot easier than this". Make no mistake, choosing the right person makes the relationship a billion times less stressful yet what relationship is always a walk in the park? Shoot, even our relationship with ourselves can wear us out from time to time.
Reflecting on what you expected marriage to be vs. what it is currently like for you can also help you to get to the root of why you're not attracted to your husband at the present.
I mean, if you expected him to be some character out of your favorite movie, you're gonna be disappointed. Or, if you thought that marriage was gonna be just about you and what you want all of the time, you're gonna be pissed. Or, if you're realizing that you are far more selfish because you never considered that marriage was about daily—and I do mean, daily—compromise, you're gonna feel shortchanged. Expectations aren't bad yet it's important to have ones that are realistic. Were yours?
It’s Important to Remember That You Can Oftentimes Get Back to Where You Once Were
I know we just covered a lot of ground yet here's the really good news about all of it—if you were once attracted to your husband, there is a really good chance that you can get back to being attracted again. Because, as you just saw, attraction isn't just some random fleeting notion; once you figure out what attracts you to someone and what has caused you to not be attracted, you can get to the root of the matter and restore what was lost.
I honestly can't tell you, just how many times I have been able to help a couple get, as India.Arie once put it, "Back to the Middle", once they were completely open and honest with each other about what they need in the present and their partner was open to helping to meet them where they are.
Attraction isn't just important in a marriage; it is very necessary. Just remember that attraction is what got you to the "for better or for worse" place in your relationship. It's not impossible to feel that way again. If both of you want it, you can have it. You really can.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Ananda Lewis Clarifies Why She Didn't Get A Mastectomy & Says She's Doing 'Better' After Stage IV Breast Cancer Diagnosis
Former MTV VJ Ananda Lewis received a lot of backlash from online critics after sharing she decided to forgo a double mastectomy. But there's more to the story.
Ananda was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer in 2019, and during a recent round table discussion with CNN's Stephanie Elam and Sara Sidner, she revealed that she decided not to get a double mastectomy and, now, she has stage IV cancer.
Following that interview, she clarified why she did not get the surgery. “The circumstances were not conducive to surgery because my tumor wasn’t aggressively growing at the time, and then COVID hit,” Ananda told The Epoch Times.
She opted for a cryoablation treatment instead, which uses extreme cold to destroy the cancer cells.
Another thing the 51-year-old wanted to clarify was whether she was dying. She said she is not. “Nothing happened. Today, I am fantastic. I may have felt like I was dying in February, but I’m not dying, and I’m definitely doing better than I was last October,” she said.
She is focused on taking care of herself and getting a "good 20 more years out of this body." She follows a keto diet and avoids alcohol, white flour and white sugar.
During the CNN roundtable discussion, the mother of one shared that she had an integrative approach to her treatment, which included traditional medicine and homeopathy methods such as red light therapy.
“My plan at first was to get out excessive toxins in my body. I felt like my body is intelligent, I know that to be true. Our bodies are brilliantly made,” she said.
“I decided to keep my tumor and try to work it out of my body a different way,” she continued. “Looking back on that, I go, ‘You know what? Maybe I should have.’
Ananda also admitted that she wasn't prioritizing early detection, such as getting mammograms. The former talk show host's mom also had breast cancer and chose to go the conventional route, which influenced her to go a non-traditional route.
As a content creator, Ananda uses her social media to inform others on the things she's learned about obtaining good health such as toxic items to through out of your pantry and the many benefits of water.
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Feature image by Paul Archuleta/Getty Images