Even after all of these years of being a marriage life coach, if there's a consistent thread that I've experienced with my clients, one that always tends to fascinate me, it's how so often there can be two people who started out being totally into each other; then, life gets in the way and the very same things that caused a husband and wife to not be able to keep their hands off of one another are now some of the very things that cause them to go a couple of months without having sex, without even blinking an eye. What's the deal? Like, really?
From a research standpoint, it's interesting what causes people to be attracted to one another in the first place—looks (of course), a good sense of humor, a person's level of ambition and even relatable past experiences. However, when I read an article on Insider's site entitled, "Why you're attracted to certain people, and not others", a takeaway that tickled me was, "When it comes to love, most people have an idea of what they're looking for in a partner".
Singles, this is actually a part of the reason why I wrote the article for this platform, "The Pros & Cons Of Creating A 'What I Want In A Man' Checklist". It's because the reality is, a lot of people get into relationships simply because a person is pleasing to the eye or makes them feel some type of way, yet they don't really make the time to ponder if they are truly attracted to them in a broader sense. You know, if the person shares their same values, if they complement their lifestyle, if they are on the same page when it comes to spiritual and sexual compatibility…things like that. And when you don't take those types of things into long and serious account before jumping the broom, it can be real easy to "fall out of attraction" once bills, arguments, unattractive habits and even time changing the two of you transpires.
So, what do you do when you're married and, while you still love your husband, you are in a space where you don't really feel all that attracted to him? That's a good question. Personally, I'm a fan of more questions being asked in order to get to the right answer(s). Are you ready to do a little soul-seeking?
Do You Feel Emotionally Disconnected Somehow?
While it might seem odd that most of us are attracted to someone, out the gate, by how they look, I actually want to start this off by inquiring about how you feel about your man emotionally right now. It's no secret that if a lot of women do not feel emotionally in sync with their partner, his looks really aren't going to matter much. Not only that, but a classic dictionary definition of attract is "to draw by appealing to the emotions or senses, by stimulating interest, or by exciting admiration; allure; invite".
When I wrote the article, "This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship" and also "10 Things Marriages Need On A Daily Basis", it was partly to confirm the fact that our feelings matter. One example is the last man who broke my heart. We've managed to remain friends (long story and another article for another time) yet it's interesting. He looks just like he did when we were "in our situation" and so, from a physical standpoint, I still think he's cute, I'm not drawn to him in the least. It's because my feelings towards him have changed. I don't trust him in the same way. I don't share with him all of what I used to. I don't respect certain things about how he handled our dynamic. So yeah, we're healing yet there is definitely an emotional disconnect.
So, I would start there. If you're not really into your husband right now, take a moment to think about how he makes you feel. If you can't use words like "good", "safe" and "confident in the relationship", then there is an emotional disconnection somewhere. Either talking it out or seeing a therapist/counselor/life coach can typically help you to figure out how to get your connection back again.
Have You Lost Respect for Him on Some Level?
If you've been reading my copy for a while now, you know that I'm good for bringing the Bible into an article, as I think it applies. Well, for this particular point, Scripture certainly applies. The Classic Amplified Version of Ephesians 5:33 says, "However, let each man of you [without exception] love his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband [that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him; and [that she defers to him, praises him, and loves and admires him exceedingly]." Some of y'all might not like this very much but hey, I didn't make it up. It's what the Word says. And here's the thing. Just like love languages are all about expressing love in the way that your partner needs to feel it (not the way you do), according to Scripture, women feel loved with love while men feel loved when they are respected. On that last point, you know what else? We are able to love a man more when we respect him too (well look at that!).
I've got a friend right now who's been struggling in her marriage because her husband is the consummate mama's boy. Back when they were dating, she thought it was endearing because it appeared nurturing and gentlemanly. Now that she's realized that she's basically in second place—with his mama always coming in first—she's pretty disgusted (and that's putting it mildly).
If there are three things that most wives expect from their husband, it's him having the ability to protect, provide (not just or only financially but holistically so) and cherish her. When any of those things are lacking, it's hard to do what the Word says—regard, prefer, or esteem her husband.
My friend's husband isn't protecting, providing, or cherishing his wife like he should because either his mama's needs come first or he doesn't serve as a barrier between his mom and his wife when his mom tries to take jabs. And how can you wanna be close to a man who you don't feel is acting like one?
Protect. Provide. Cherish. If you're struggling with being attracted to your man right now, ask yourself if you feel like he's failing—or flailing—in any of these areas. If he is, that at least can give you a starting point of what you need to share with him—and why.
Is Your Lack of Attraction Physical—or Sexual?
I'm gonna share a double standard that drives me totally up the wall. How is it that when a woman gains weight in a marriage and her husband struggles with remaining physically or sexually attracted to her, he's the ultimate jerk? Oh, but when a man grows a gut and his wife turns up her nose, suddenly the mockery is justified. One of the biggest lessons that marriage teaches you is how to apply the Golden Rule—do unto others as you would have them do until you—on the daily.
That said, let's not act like attraction doesn't also mean "to draw by a physical force causing or tending to cause to approach, adhere, or unite; pull (opposed to repel)". Yeah, something that's unfortunate when it comes to many marriages is, that once two people say "I do", one or both can get a little lazy (idle, sluggish) on the physical appearance front. I honestly can't tell you how many people have said to me, "I've got him now, why do I need to go through all of that effort for?" Umm, because your husband didn't suddenly go blind on his wedding day and also, what about you wanting to look bomb for yourself? Geeze.
And let me bring something up about the lack of sexual attraction too. Someone else in my world has been having issues in her marriage for years because the way she views sex—how she wants to have it when she wants to have it and even why she wants to have it—has evolved over the years. Meanwhile, her husband has remained pretty "sexually stagnant" in a lot of ways because, in his mind, so long as he's got BDE (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go") and a high sex drive, it should be all good, right? Wrong, sir.
Back when I wrote the article, "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", a part of my motivation was to shout out the fact that marriage comes with a different level of responsibility than "single sex" does. That's because sex isn't to be treated like a "perk" in marriage; it is actually a key and core ingredient in making a committed relationship last (check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important").
This is why it's important to make sure that you go beyond just the "mechanics" of sex when it comes to your partner. Are you both on the same page sexually? Do you have similar needs and expectations? As you both grow and evolve, do you view sex in a different way? Have your changes in hormones or even body image caused you to want different things?
A lot of marriages are struggling out here because sexual attraction has died down and unfortunately, rather than dealing with the issue, they settle for not having sex at all. I say it often and I mean every word—if you are physically able to have sex with your spouse and you're not doing it, your marriage is showing signs of being unhealthy. If you fall into this category, please check out "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight.", then consider having that chat with your partner tonight. You deserve all that comes with marriage—including being physically and sexually attracted to your hubby. Still.
Did You Go into Marriage with an Unrealistic Attraction Expectation?
Marriage is a mirror. I'm a firm believer of that as well. "Mirror" in the sense that it will show you some things about yourself in a way that no other relationship on this planet ever can or ever will. Well, if after pondering all of the things that I've already said, if you don't feel like any of those points apply but you're still like, "Yeah…I'm still not attracted right now, though", ask yourself what your expectations were going in.
Something else that I also oftentimes hear a lot in my sessions is people saying, "I had no idea that marriage was going to be this challenging" or "Somehow, I thought that marriage was going to be a lot easier than this". Make no mistake, choosing the right person makes the relationship a billion times less stressful yet what relationship is always a walk in the park? Shoot, even our relationship with ourselves can wear us out from time to time.
Reflecting on what you expected marriage to be vs. what it is currently like for you can also help you to get to the root of why you're not attracted to your husband at the present.
I mean, if you expected him to be some character out of your favorite movie, you're gonna be disappointed. Or, if you thought that marriage was gonna be just about you and what you want all of the time, you're gonna be pissed. Or, if you're realizing that you are far more selfish because you never considered that marriage was about daily—and I do mean, daily—compromise, you're gonna feel shortchanged. Expectations aren't bad yet it's important to have ones that are realistic. Were yours?
It’s Important to Remember That You Can Oftentimes Get Back to Where You Once Were
I know we just covered a lot of ground yet here's the really good news about all of it—if you were once attracted to your husband, there is a really good chance that you can get back to being attracted again. Because, as you just saw, attraction isn't just some random fleeting notion; once you figure out what attracts you to someone and what has caused you to not be attracted, you can get to the root of the matter and restore what was lost.
I honestly can't tell you, just how many times I have been able to help a couple get, as India.Arie once put it, "Back to the Middle", once they were completely open and honest with each other about what they need in the present and their partner was open to helping to meet them where they are.
Attraction isn't just important in a marriage; it is very necessary. Just remember that attraction is what got you to the "for better or for worse" place in your relationship. It's not impossible to feel that way again. If both of you want it, you can have it. You really can.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
The Libra woman and Aries man are the divine feminine and divine masculine, coming together as one. The love compatibility between these two is one for the books. These two are opposite signs, however, their differences tend to complement each other well. This is a dynamic relationship where they know how to have a lot of fun together, but also aren’t afraid to deal with the more serious stuff that comes with a relationship.
The Libra woman is looking for her equal in love, someone who is willing to put in the same effort she is, and the Aries man sees Libra as someone he is willing to do that with.
The Love Compatibility Of A Libra Woman And An Aries Man
What attracts a Libra woman and an Aries man to each other?
There is a magnet of attraction pulling these two together, and things tend to move pretty fast in this relationship. The Libra woman is always open to love and her charming nature rarely has any challenges here. The Aries man fights for his independence and doesn’t sacrifice that unless he is completely enamored with someone.
Once the Aries man catches the eye of the Libra woman, he is typically the one to make the first move and this instantly wins the approval of Libra.
These two feel like they have known each other forever when they meet, and this spark between them doesn’t die down easily.
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What is the relationship like between a Libra woman and an Aries man?
The relationship between the Libra woman and the Aries man is one of balance and excitement. The Aries man tends to take on the more dominant role in this relationship and the Libra woman tends to be the more receptive one. Aries is ruled by masculine Mars, and Libra is ruled by feminine Venus. They understand they are coming from two completely different worlds, yet they also instinctively feel this underlying connection to each other and like they could be something each other needs in their lives.
The Libra woman can rely on the Aries man, and the Aries man never has to ask for the love that Libra already knows he needs.
This is a couple that is often reading each other’s minds and wanting to do a lot of the same things. However, not everything is rainbow in this relationship as well, and there are some major differences they have to overcome to make things work. One argument can lead to an explosion between these two, and addressing things when they come up rather than sweeping them under the rug, will be needed to make this relationship long-term.
What is the sex like between a Libra woman and an Aries man?
The sex between a Libra woman and an Aries man is adventurous. These are two cardinal signs with plenty of energy and stamina to keep things exciting in the bedroom. There tends to be a good give and take in this relationship, and their yin and yang energy benefits them when it comes to their sex life.
There is electricity felt between the two of them in this area of their life, and their power of attraction to each other is strong. These are two people who will want to do a lot of things together, including exploring sexually together.
The Aries man will have to be careful with being overly aggressive, however, as the soft Libra woman may not like this energy- it will completely depend on the two individuals at hand. The Libra woman wants to ease into things, the Aries man wants to get going right away. Learning about each other's bodies, and energy, and reading each other’s cues will help with this.
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What makes a relationship between a Libra woman and an Aries man work?
These two genuinely like each other, and that basis is a key factor for success in any relationship. The Aries man is straight to the point, direct, and inspired. The Libra woman admires these characteristics in others, as she is often herself finding her balance in this type of energy as well. Neither sign is overly emotional in a way that turns them off, and they both require a lot of the same things in a committed relationship. They want honesty, fun, good communication, passion, and to be moving towards a common goal together.
The Libra woman and Aries man don’t have a problem being real with each other and this is something they really value within the relationship. They are both very charming, and there is plenty of flirtation and attraction to keep this relationship going. Aries being the protector they are, Libra finds a sense of safety and ease in this energy, and like they have found their match. Overall, this is a well-balanced relationship and one where they don’t have a problem when it comes to compatibility or chemistry in the relationship.
What may cause a Libra woman and an Aries man to break up?
Libra is the lover, Aries is the fighter, and this energy may be tiring for the both of them after time. The Libra woman can be passive to a fault, and the Aries man who is not evolved, may take advantage of that. She will need to be careful with putting Aries’ needs above her own, creating resentment later down the road. The Aries man loves a challenge, and the Libra woman would be up for that game for a little bit, but if she is not being met in the middle, she will begin to look for other places. These two can have a difficult time keeping the peace in the relationship, and there could be a lot of arguments and disagreements here if they both aren’t willing to put their egos or self-pleasing attitudes to the side.
The Libra woman and Aries man are both more sensitive than they appear or come off as. They are also not necessarily the type to dive deep into their emotions and express them to others, even in their relationships. However, this energy can keep the relationship to a surface level than what is needed to progress and grow the relationship, and a sense of openness is required for this couple to work. Libra needs romance, she wants to be wowed. Aries needs to remember this and to always consider her love language.
Overall, this is a successful pairing. They will have their fair share of challenges in the relationship, but nothing they can’t overcome if they are willing to. The trouble will come in when it comes to the longevity of the relationship, keeping Aries excited and Libra in love. However, all in all, there is more power, attraction, and love to keep this relationship together rather than apart. No relationship is perfect, but this one is a little more blessed than most.
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