It's been forever since I've had a boyfriend. Whenever people ask me when I'll get another one, my running statement is "I'm too old for a BOY anything."
There's one thing that both experience and observation have taught me, it's the fact that when you're in the pattern of getting with someone, giving your all, breaking up and then getting with someone else—it can desensitize you to the sacredness of commitment on so many levels. Then, when you actually do decide to jump the broom, whether it's consciously or subconsciously, you tend to process your husband like you would a boyfriend. If things don't work out, no problem—I'll just break up with him too.
Legally, it's not that easy. If you have children, it complicates their present as well as their future (check out "Effects of Divorce on Children's Future Relationships"). According to statistics, while approximately half of all marriages end in divorce, 67 percent of second marriages and a whopping 73 percent of third ones do. Biblically? I'll just say check out I Corinthians 7:10-11; it tends to get overlooked quite a bit.
For all of these reasons and more, once I chose to become a marriage life coach, I made sure that my emphasis was on reconciling divorced couples. It is indeed possible and, whenever it happens, it's so beautiful to see. I believe it's a lot like what Alec Baldwin's character said in the movie It's Complicated (paraphrased): "A lot of divorced people should get back together 10 years later. They were already committed and knew each other so well, but the time apart can help them to mature and grow, which will make the marriage so much better." Just something to think about.
Anyway, as a child of more-than-one-divorce and also as someone who works with divorced individuals, because I know that it can wreak havoc in ways that oftentimes aren't experienced until months or years up the pike, if you're currently married and contemplating getting a divorce yourself, I just want to encourage you to ask yourself the following six questions—first.
Have I Had Unrealistic Expectations All Along?
GiphyAsk any marriage therapist or relationship counselor and they'll tell you that one of the leading causes of divorce isn't that two people don't love each other anymore, it's that they had unrealistic expectations for their marriage to begin with.
I'll give you an example. There's a married couple that I've been working with for years now. They got married, got divorced and married each other again. For the most part, they're doing well but what I've noticed is that there are certain problems that have never gone away. The wife wishes her husband communicated more like she did (she's super-engaging while he's very direct and to the point). Meanwhile, he wishes that she were as frugal with money as he tends to be.
I've heard these issues so much that I recently said to them, "So, basically you're mad because you want your spouse to be more like you and they're not. You're trying to change them rather than accepting the differences." They agreed.
You'd be amazed how many people wanted to marry a carbon copy of themselves. Not only is that super unrealistic, it's typically counterproductive too. How do you grow by being in a relationship with someone who is just like you? How do you get stretched without any challenges along the way?
So yeah, if you're currently contemplating divorce, please ask yourself if your expectations—whether it was wanting your spouse to be your Siamese twin, that marriage was gonna be like your favorite love story or something else—not being what you wanted is the real reason why you want to end your union.
Was I Ill-Prepared for the Different Seasons of Marriage?
A book that I recommend every married couple have in their possession isThe Four Seasons of Marriage: Secrets to a Lasting Marriage (if you're already separated,Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed by the same author is also good). It's a reminder that like everything in life, there are seasons in marriage. It's not always gonna be sunny and it's not only gonna be rainy either. When a season approaches that's unpleasant, sometimes all we can do is prepare and wait it out.
For the record, I'm not saying this applies to abuse. I'm speaking to the folks who thought that marriage was supposed to be happy feelings times 10, all day, every day. And yes, there are people who are just like this. I can't tell you how many times a person has told me that they are leaving their marriage because it doesn't make them as happy as they want to be. Meanwhile, their job doesn't make them happy all of the time but they still go to work and their kids don't make them happy all of the time but no one is putting anyone up for adoption. When it comes to those things, somehow, they find a way to make it work.
When marriage has an uncomfortable season, why isn't it received with this same kind of commitment and tenacity?
What Could I Personally Stand to Improve?
A wise man once said that if you really want to see yourself, look inside the mirror of marriage. There is some powerful wisdom within those words. That said, I know some of y'all aren't gonna wanna hear this but sometimes the hardest part about staying married is it reveals to you YOUR flaws. It's easier to live alone and have a biased perspective of yourself than to stick things out with your spouse and let them and your marriage refine and improve you in areas where you wouldn't have any other way.
To tell you the truth, I think this is part of the reason why divorce statistics only go up with each remarriage. Far too many people are thinking about what their ex needed to change about themselves rather than looking within to see what they could stand to improve, where they went wrong. As a result, they take their same selves into marriage 2, 4 and 10, which usually results in them having some of the same relational issues they've always had. Yeah, that's not good.
No joke, when I ask about 80 percent of the couples who are on the brink of divorce about what's wrong in their marriage, they always say what the other person needs to do differently. Very few are self-aware (and humble) enough to do some self-introspection. Be honest—what side of the fence are you standing on?
Am I Listening to the Right (or Wrong) People?
I am a marriage life coach who's never been married before. We live in a world full of on-10-skepticism, so you already know there are folks who question whether or not I'm qualified. One, I'm a child of divorce; you'd be amazed the kind of insight we have. Two, the divorce rate is pretty high; I'm not so sure half of all married people are automatically insightful themselves. Three, I have heard some of the most toxic advice on marriage given by married people—everything from telling single people to never do it to advising their married friends to manipulate, lie, control…even cheat.
I recently read that Spike Lee, Michael B. Jordan and COACH are working together on a short film project about the power of our words. It's a reminder that words can make or break us. While positive ones trigger the hormone oxytocin and make us feel strong, safe and secure, negative ones encourage us to have a fight-or-flight response to situations.
As you're processing what to do about your relationship, what kinds of words are fueling you? Are you listening to people who support marriage (whether they are single, married, divorced or widowed)? Are you paying attention to couples who are willing to share how they made it through their own hard times? Or are you constantly on the phone with individuals who are gassing you up to believe that divorce is your best option?
Be careful. Words influence us. Very much so. This brings me to the next question.
Have We Tried Marriage Counseling?
We get our oil changed every 3,000 miles. But for the life of me, I can't put together why people wait until they are 48 hours out from filing for divorce before they decide to see a marriage counselor. Marriage counseling isn't something you should do only when something is going horribly wrong; it should be a proactive measure that's taken to keep everything going right. If nothing else, choose to look at a counselor as an advocate for your marriage; someone who has the insight, tools and expertise to help you with things like communication, intimacy and getting through the rough times.
How effective is counseling? One study found that 48 percent of couples in trouble admitted that their marriage significantly improved, thanks to seeing a therapist or counselor on a regular basis (which is why engaged couples should go to premarital counseling; it decreases the chances of wanting to get a divorce). Those are some pretty good results, so if this counseling isn't an approach to your relationship that you've tried, try not to make any final decisions until you do.
What Will Divorce Actually Make Better?
One more question—and please be really candid with yourself on this one. If you end your marriage, how will that make your life better? Not easier…better. If you're a parent, I've already touched on how it can affect your child in some not-so-great ways (you can read more about that here), but it can also cause problems for you emotionally, financially, physically—the list goes on and on.
Bottom line, divorce is it's not a quick fix for anything, really. So please, before doing it, really process what you're doing. All marriages have peaks and valleys. At the same time, all divorces have unforeseen challenges and consequences. Whatever you do, please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images
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When I write my next book (that’s currently slated for release in June of 2024; just in time for a big milestone), I’m going to share some of the things that personally caused me to go through the ending of some friendships. For now, I’m going to share a big one: friendship infidelity.
Yeah, I know — oftentimes, whenever the word “infidelity” is used, the main (if not only) thing that comes up in people’s minds is someone cheating on their partner. However, if you’ve read my content for a while now, you already know that an “occupational hazard” of mine is the fact that, as a writer, I’m pretty word-literal. Therefore, when it comes to infidelity, I’m aware that it’s got more than one meaning. And when it comes to friendship (or so-called friendships — check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?” and “7 Signs Your Friendship...Actually Isn't One”), yes, there is a definition that totally applies. Let’s discuss.
What Does Infidelity Literally Mean?
GiphyIn order for this to “scratch any itch” that you might have about this particular topic, let’s get into the definition of infidelity that I was referring to. While yes, the most popular one is “marital disloyalty; adultery” (one day, we’ll have to talk about how the Bible doesn’t define adultery in the way that folks think it does (check out Matthew 19 sometime), another definition is “unfaithfulness; disloyalty.” While we’re at it, let me share a few synonyms for the word too: betrayal, falseness, inconstancy (bookmark that), deceit, double-dealing, fraud, breach of trust, violation, dishonesty, and false-heartedness.
Okay, so now do you see how it is totally appropriate to use the word “infidelity” in the realm of friendship if someone has been unfaithful or disloyal to you in any of these ways (that inconstancy one is a mutha!)? Do you also get that there is a huge possibility that, even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself, there are times when you’ve committed some form of infidelity when it comes to one or more of the friends in your life?
Because be real — have you never breached their trust? Have you always been consistent? To violate is to treat someone or something with disrespect. Have you never done that before? Only your ego would tell you that you’ve been a perfect friend — and the ego lies.
That said and with the meanings of a different kind of infidelity established, let’s now talk about how to approach this type of experience…because it ain’t easy.
When It Comes to Faithfulness in Your Friendships, What Should Your Expectations Be?
GiphyAs far as having my own accounts, I don’t do social media (still trying to decide if I will, a little bit, around my book release) — and it has been peace, wonderful peace, to live that way. This means that it’s pretty rare that I’ll read comments via any of the platforms I write for (also peaceful). Oh, but a few years ago, when I penned “Why I Prefer My Friends To NOT Be Friends With Each Other,” I did tiptoe out a bit, and boy, some folks were disgruntled with me, chile. I was called petty, problematic, and a host of other stuff.
Uh-huh first, I don’t get how you can be mad at me about what works for me and my life (being controlling manifests in all sorts of cryptic ways) and secondly, time and experience have taught me that it’s a boundary that has served me extremely well. One of the reasons is that, since friendship infidelity is a very real thing, my lines not crossing helps to keep people from betraying my confidence or double-dealing in a way that may not even be intentional.
An example? Say that I have two friends and I tell one of them something in confidence. Then she tells the other friend, assuming that I already had because she thought that the other friend and I had similar discussions. This would be a non-issue if I hadn’t brought them together in the first place.
Another example is, one of my closest friends has some people who I like a lot who live in Nashville (my friend doesn’t). Sometimes, when she comes into town, we’ll all hang out. I don’t do it outside of that, though, because there are things that she shares with me about them on occasion (from a getting a different perspective to make certain decisions angle; especially since I’m a life coach) that I don’t want to make her or them feel awkward about (even if it’s just due to somewhat of a shift in my energy). Plus, everyone just needs to have their own people. This ain’t high school; everyone doesn’t have to be in the same cliques.
If one of my friends wants to vent about me…I don’t care if/when they are talking to someone who I don’t even know…because I’m not friends with that person… because I don’t expect anything from a complete stranger. So again, this type of boundary has served me extremely well over the years — and my friends agree. It has made “faithfulness” so much easier for all parties involved because again, lines don’t cross and things don’t get messy.
Okay. I’ll give you one more example that has to do with one of my male friends and his personal friendship-related preference. Due to his high-profile profession, he doesn’t like to be discussed at all, not even casually (really). He doesn’t want me to bring his name up and, when someone else does, he prefers that I keep the conversation down to an absolute minimum, no matter what the topic is. For him, it works for his close friendships to be somewhat private, so that people don’t know who they can go to in order to get in touch with him or to receive any intel that he hasn’t directly shared — professionally or personally.
Some people may call that “paranoid.” For him, it’s safe to move that way. And so, as his friend, it’s not my job to try and talk him out of his standard. If I value our friendship, I simply need to honor his request — plain and simple. To do otherwise would be an act of unfaithfulness (especially if I agreed to what he asked me to do and then switched up on him).
So, when it comes to you, what are your expectations? What do you need — actually require — of your own friends? Have you stated those things? Because you should never assume that your definition of what a friend should be is exactly the same as someone else’s. Next, have you made it abundantly clear to them that if those expectations are not honored, you will feel some level of betrayal? If you haven’t, you should because, although most of us can agree that a partner sleeping with someone other than their own spouse is a form of infidelity, friendship infidelity isn’t quite so black and white.
If you want your friend(s) to be faithful — “true to one's word, promises, vows, etc.,” “steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant” — you need to be upfront with them about what they are vowing to do…what you want them to be constant in? Because, again, how you might roll as a friend may be something different to/for them.
Come to think of it, love languages in friendships is a good example of this. One of my close friends is a quality time person; I’m not. On the other hand, I am a words of affirmation person; she isn’t. She used to think that it was a given that I should want to hang out at least once a month and I used to get irritated that she wasn’t big on words. When we had a talk about our individual expectations, we found a “middle ground” and that made things so much easier…on both sides. Indeed, in order to be faithful (or unfaithful), you first gotta know what you’ve agreed to be faithful to. It’s not fair to expect someone to honor you and what you bring to a friendship if you’re not communicating your expectations on the front end.
So, what should your expectations in your friendships be? That, I can’t answer for you, because even when it comes to across-the-board traits like support, availability, and communication, honestly, even those are gonna manifest differently for different people.
All I’m saying is make sure that you share what your expectations are as you listen to theirs as well. That way, you both can move forward in your friendship knowing what you have mutually agreed to actually be faithful to.
What Should You Do If a Friend “Cheats on You”?
GiphyOkay, so what if, after you have established what you need/expect from your friend, they are unfaithful or disloyal? That’s kind of a loaded question because there are a lot of different ways that this box can get checked. For instance, I once had a friend who kept trying to put me in touch with someone who I knew was unsafe (on a lot of levels). She kept asking and I kept telling her “no.” One day, she called me and then handed that person the phone — she was disloyal because she dishonored my boundary.
Back in the day, I used to write devotionals and I shared the story (sans her name) in it. All of a sudden, she thought that she was the victim (gaslighting friends are something else). So wait — you put me in harm’s way and I need to apologize to you for it? If her identity was obvious (I didn’t even say “she”), I get it — it wasn’t. She just felt guilty and didn’t want to take accountability. As a result, she weaponized our friendship by going ghost for like a year and then tried to come back as if nothing had ever happened. Chile.
For me, there was no coming back. The way she handled that, on a few different levels, was emotionally draining and I honestly didn’t have the stamina for it. So, I ended the relationship officially. Years later, we saw each other and made our peace. I’m fine with it being just that (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”).
That’s kind of an extreme example. Still, the reason why I brought it up is because I wanted you to see how I handled one form of friendship infidelity: I thought about what happened, I pondered what I was getting (and not getting) from the friendship, I thought about how she handles things when she is in the wrong and I focused on what would be the benefits and challenges of keeping her in my life. The conclusion that I came to is I care enough about her that we’re not rolling our eyes in the mall or sucking our teeth whenever one of our names comes up to the other yet I don’t want her to continue walking closely to me in my journey. I’m good.
For you, it might be a bit different. What if one of your friends betrays you in some way? Is it fair to take a “one-and-done” approach? I dunno. Is that how you would want your friends to handle you? Do you want to feel like, no matter what, after you make one mistake (or poor choice; not everything is a mistake…some things are intentional), there’s no coming back? If so, you might not want to have relationships at all because humans are fallible, INCLUDING YOU. You might as well settle in with that fact now or you’re about to be triggered, irritated, or angry for most of your life, chile.
What Should You Do If YOU’RE the One Who Cheats?
GiphyOver the weekend, I watched a movie where a woman cheated during a long-distance relationship and then claimed that her boyfriend was “punishing her” because he wasn’t over it a month later. The first thing that came to my mind? A lack of accountability. Why? Because I’m pretty sure that if the shoe had been on the other foot, she wouldn’t be all rainbows and sunshine four weeks later…either.
Being that I grew up in an environment (pretty much everywhere, including church) where folks absolutely sucked at taking personal responsibility for their actions without trying to make excuses, using justifications, deflecting, or gaslighting, I am almost violent about making sure that I don’t follow suit. And because I’ve had times when I’ve violated someone’s boundaries (I used to be more controlling than I should’ve ever been) and/or betrayed their trust (just because I’m basically an open book, that doesn’t mean that I should assume that everyone is the same way) — I’ve had to learn how to take full ownership for my actions. Then, if the person is open to accepting my apology, I would take things up a notch by making amends (check out “Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made”).
If you’re not sure what an "amends" is, basically, when you’ve done something that has offended someone or caused them some type of harm if you’re truly remorseful, it’s not enough to flippantly toss a “my bad” in their direction. No, when you really get the magnitude of what has transpired — and if you want to restore the damage that was caused — you need to be intentional about doing something that will help with the healing process. This can happen with a simple, “What can I do to make things better?” People who apologize and then ask something along those lines show that they really get what they did; not only that but they are displaying that they want to humble themselves enough to help the person they hurt to “recover” in any way that they can.
So, if you are the one who was unfaithful or disloyal — own it, address it, apologize (without any unnecessary extra-ness, make amends, and then give your friend space to heal…however they need to do so. Infidelity hurts in any kind of relationship dynamic yet when two people — BOTH INDIVIDUALS — really want to make things work, they can come back from it. Oftentimes better than they were before.
How to Heal from Friendship Infidelity
GiphyIt really can’t be said enough that humans are fallible. In fact, it is my belief, that if more of us said that as a mantra, five times a day, we’d probably be a lot more merciful than we tend to be. Because since none of us are perfect — INCLUDING OURSELVES — it really is pretty ridiculous to expect to be in relationships with folks and have them never disappoint you (where they do that at?!). The reality is sometimes a friend may be disloyal — not in a malicious or redundant kind of way (another message, another time) but just…they didn’t meet your requirements, they hurt your feelings (even if not intentionally) or they simply made a poor decision. Just like you have before — and at some point, will again.
Yes, it can hurt; trust me, I’ve been there. At the same time, you can heal from the pain and your friendship can survive too. The key is to really process the character of your friend, the track record of your friend, and if the benefits far outweigh the challenges with them. If everything is on the upswing, talk to your friend about how you are feeling, pay close attention to how they respond (if there is remorse, compassion, and patience), and then make the decision that you want to move forward. And then move in a way that shows that you’ve learned from it all.
For instance, say that you told one of your friends something in confidence and they repeated it. After getting context, if it was reckless chatter, healing begins with forgiving them, them trying to make things right and then you easing into sharing anything else. No, it’s not about keeping the door shut forever — it’s more like, telling them something that you don’t really mind if it gets out. If it does, although that’s not a big deal, you will now see that yapping is a pattern for them and so, although you like having them in your life, being a “confidant space” is not where they need to be — at least not for quite some time.
And what if, in your opinion, there is no coming back from friendship infidelity? How do you heal from that? Well, you need to grieve it like you would grieve anything else. Go through the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. The key is to not stay stuck; especially in anger. Because really, how is that gonna help or change anything?
I’ve gone through some acts of extreme infidelity that took me a while to move to acceptance — really accepting that it happened and fully accepting that I had to let the relationship go. Yet once I got there, healing was waiting for me. Because I wasn’t beating myself up trying to read someone else’s mind or motive or exhausting myself by wishing things were different. No one can change the past. Even accepting that can restore you to some pretty unexpected levels.
______
This is the kind of topic that I really could write an entire book about. For now, I just hope that this article provides some clarity that, if you wonder if unfaithfulness is a real thing as far as friendship is concerned, it most certainly is. It’s also not automatically unforgivable either.
Last example: I’ve got a friend of decades who prioritized a woman that he barely knew over our friendship. Meaning, she was threatened by me being around and so he did whatever to make her happy even at the expense of what we agreed to do and be to each other, as friends. Friendship infidelity. He has since apologized and I told him what I am a firm believer in: the apology needs to breathe. I need to take some time, he needs to take some time and, in time, either we will still see value in our dynamic or, because an apology was made and then accepted, peace will always remain between us.
Infidelity is something that none of us want to experience — oh, but we probably will. When it comes to your friendships, perhaps you’ve got a (better) grasp on how to handle it.
Whether you’re on the giving or receiving end. Live long enough, chile, for better or for worse, you will know about both. I can almost guarantee it.
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