The Greatest Hack To Get A Marriage Through The Tough Times
I will never make an apology for the fact that I adore the Scriptures. There is something very, remarkable is the word that comes to mind, about the fact that even all of these years later (thousands and thousands of years later), there is so much wisdom within the Bible that is still relevant and — if you want to live a content life — even necessary. Matter of fact, some of the people in my world who aren't Bible followers or even believers in God will admit to me that Proverbs (King Solomon's book of wisdom) has some real gems in it.
Anyway, where I'm going with this today is, since I do use the Bible was a guide for much of my life, I'm someone who strongly believes that one of the main purposes of marriage is spiritual — that it's a very unique dynamic that is designed to teach us how to love another human being like God loves us: fully, completely, always. Just like I tell some of my clients in sessions, "It's very interesting that the Love Chapter [in the Bible] defines love, starting with 'love is patient' and ending with 'love never fails' and yet, folks still misuse and even abuse the word all of the time."
Since I think that marriage is about teaching divine love, above all else, if there's one thing that God does for us, on a daily basis (because as humans, we really are a trip), it's forgive. And you know what? According to the Good Book:
"For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15 — AMPC)
Whew. You caught that right? If you want to be forgiven by God, you've got to be willing to forgive others. There's no "escape clause" on that. And so, that's what we're going to tackle today. In order to be spiritually in a good space, in order to love more and better, in order to honor the vows that you made with your spouse, if there's a "hack" that can make all of this possible, in a very extraordinary way, it's forgiveness. It really and truly is.
What Exactly Does It Mean to Forgive?
Timing really is something. On the day that I decided to knock this article out, I "happened upon" a study entitled, "Two-thirds of romantic couples start out as friends, study finds". It made me smile because 1) I'm also a firm believer that the foundation of marriage needs to be friendship (you can't become genuine friends with someone in a few weeks or a couple of months, by the way) and 2) I tell folks often that the reason why a lot of people have such a short tolerance in their romantic relationships yet will endure until the end with their friendships is because a lot of relationships lack friendship.
Think about it. When it comes to the folks who you consider to be "your tribe", I'm willing to bet my next paycheck that you have forgiven a whole lot as it relates to them (and vice versa). Oh, but your past relationships? Chances are, you've cut them for far, far less. And because friendship is lacking in so many romantic situations, because folks are too busy "putting on a face" while they're dating so that they never really have to practice forgiveness, once they get married, to tell you the truth, they really aren't all that good at it. As a result, whenever trouble hits, they would rather break their promise of remaining in their union instead of looking at what is going on as an opportunity to learn more about what forgiveness entails — and requires.
So, with that said, what exactly does it mean to forgive someone else and why are so many people triggered by the word? While there are a billion different ways to break forgiveness down, at the end of the day, probably the most simplistic way to explain it is, forgiveness is making the decision to release an offense and the resentment that's attached to it.
It means that when someone does something that hurts, offends or disappoints you, you don't hold a grudge, you don't find a way to get back at them and you don't allow bitterness to set in because of it. Forgiveness requires some emotional intelligence, empathy and compassion because, in order to do it well, you've got to be willing to accept that you also make mistakes, that there will come a time when your spouse will need to forgive you for something (because again, you are not perfect; not even close…right?) and you will desire for them not to run you through the ringer before they extend the same courtesy your way.
Forgiveness is also about being a peace-seeker and peacemaker. It's about wanting love and harmony to be restored into your home rather than allowing unforgivingness to keep a spirit of anger/confusion/discourse in the place that is supposed to be a sanctuary space (a place of refuge) for you both. Indeed, like love, forgiveness is divine because forgiveness is what helps you to love another person…more.
Why Is It So Hard to Forgive?
So, why is something so beautiful also something that is so difficult? That's a TED Talk on its own. What I will say for now is I think many of us struggle with forgiveness (including forgiving ourselves) because it wasn't modeled to us well. Maybe the people who should've been our forgiveness mentors did a horrible job at explaining and/or expressing it. Maybe we never saw someone do it right when we were growing up. Maybe the people we've forgiven in the past kept on committing the same offenses which caused us to build up walls. Maybe this crazy word has got us believing that forgiveness is a sign of weakness rather than strength when that couldn't be further from the truth.
Another reason why some people struggle with forgiving others is because they think it means that they should be a doormat or not set boundaries or standards or that, in doing so, they are conveying to someone that abuse or misuse is OK. Listen, if someone truly loves you, they are going to mess up. You've got to accept that. At the same time, they are also going to strive to not repeat the same offenses (at the very least, in the same way that they have already apologized for in the past) because a part of what comes with an apology is saying, "I know what I did was wrong. I own it. How can I make things better and strive to restore the confidence in me that has been compromised?" (Check out "Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made".)
So no, forgiveness is not an allowance to let people mistreat you. Forgiveness is extending mercy and grace to those who acknowledge their wrongs while wanting to set things right. And if you are going to be in a relationship with any kind of human being, you're going to have to be willing to have this heart and mindset. Otherwise, real talk…stay single.
Why Only “Good Forgivers” Need to Get Married
The late evangelist Billy Graham was married to a woman by the name of Ruth Bell Graham. While they both were alive, she once said, "A happy marriage is the union of two great forgivers." I've shared this quote on this platform before and I promise you that I couldn't agree more. While there are things like abuse and infidelity that lead to the end of some marriages, I'm here to tell you that a lot of folks? A lot of them choose not to stick their marriage out because they simply don't do well at forgiving others. Why?
Some people go into marriage with super unrealistic expectations.
Some people go into marriage wanting to be served with no plans of serving someone else.
Some people? Some people are simply too selfish (self-absorbed) for that kind of relationship.
And you know what? These are the kinds of people who think that their partner should tolerate all of their issues, excuse all of their foolishness and overlook all of their flaws and yet, when it's time to reciprocate these same actions, they suddenly have very little of what they seem to require their partner to give. It's hypocritical. It's exhausting. And, after a while, it makes having a successful marriage, pretty close to impossible.
What makes folks, quite frankly, have such balls to be so self-centered? Well, something else that isn't considered about marriage, nearly as much as it should be is the fact that, in many ways and on many levels, marriage is a mirror. When you decide to share your entire life with another human being, they get to see a lot of what other people never will. And when they reflect back to you the "cobwebs" of your mind, body and soul, it requires real humility to take a look. For some folks, it's too much to take in and so…they run. Rather than opening their heart, fully, so that their spouse can see and forgive them as they do the same for their life partner, they would rather ditch out and create a façade with someone else…oftentimes only to repeat this same mistake over…and over…and over again.
That's why I will die on the hill, happily so, that if you are single, reading this and you know that you absolutely suck at forgiveness, marriage isn't for you. Because if you ask any healthy married couple who's gone past the newlywed stage, if there is one thing they will boldly attest to, it's the fact that marriage is a test in forgiveness that is given…almost constantly. And it takes a really mature person to be able to handle that.
What You Should Process About Forgiveness Before Ending Your Marriage
Something that I'm really big on are signs. If when you saw the title of this piece, what stood out to you was "tough times", first I wanna say that ALL COUPLES go through them. Just like Mother Nature reminds us that we've got to accept the winter as well as the summer seasons and so, the best thing that we can do is simply prepare for them, the reason why traditional marriage vows say things like "for richer or for poorer" and "in sickness and in health" is because marriages have seasons too (check out "This Will Get You Through The 'Ho-Hum Seasons' In Your Relationship" and "The 'Seasons Of Sex' That Married People Go Through"). Because some people are so addicted to being happy all of the time, when challenges come, sometimes they are really ill-equipped for the difficult moments in their relationship — and so, to them, the solution is to end it when far more times than not, the remedy is to forgive.
Because when you really stop to think about it, when a married couple decide to divorce, oftentimes what they are declaring is they've got no more forgiveness in them to offer. And while in certain circumstances, that is understandable, oftentimes, again, if the purpose of marriage was reiterated (learning how to love in a very profoundly spiritual way) and the concept of perfecting forgiveness was brought back into the conversation, couples could — and would — actually go the distance, far often than many of them do (choose to do).
If husbands and wives both decided, "You know what? God loves me through all of my mess. I want to learn to love like that", there's no telling how much the divorce rate would rapidly decrease. There really isn't. Is this a "calculus-level love lesson"? Chile, one thousand and 10 percent. It doesn't change the reality, though, which is, again, there are very few acts that are as profoundly needed, divinely inspired and relationally miraculous as forgiveness. If you and yours are going through it right now, as I once heard actor Loretta Devine's character say on a television series, "It's just the weather. Give it a minute and it will pass." Oftentimes, if we'd just be a little more patience, hard times really do pass.
And what makes them so much easier to endure in the meantime — is forgiveness. The more you forgive your spouse, the safer they feel around you. The more they forgive you, the safer you can feel around them. And when two people feel safe with each other — love, respect and peace can abide in some really significant ways. That's why I really do believe that forgiveness is the ultimate marriage hack. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it. Literally.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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