Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?
You know, it never ceases to amaze me that, whenever I do research on the top reasons why married couples decide to get a divorce, rarely—if ever—do I see that they stopped being friends with each other; if they were ever friends in the first place. And that is exactly why I wanted to write this article. While things like poor communication, financial challenges and intimacy issues are popular causes for marital discord and break-ups, if there is one thing that helps some couples stick it out, it's the fact that, above all else, they share a bona fide friendship.
And when you're truly friends with someone, that makes it easier to deal with the tough times as opposed to when you're not.
I promise you that, I've sat with plenty of couples who never even considered if 1) they made building a friendship a priority while they were dating/courting and 2) they didn't make sure to either establish or nurture their friendship so that they could stay out of divorce court. That's why, whether you are in a new dating situation, engaged or, most importantly, already married, I hope you'll take out a few moments of your time to read this and then ask yourself, "Am I actually friends with my boo?" or…not. Believe you me, the answer can reveal a lot about your relationship—and its future.
You Genuinely Like Each Other
I'm not big on boyfriend/girlfriend relationships (you can read more about that by checking out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). To me, it's way too much like acting married when you're actually not. When you do that too often, believe it or not, it can teach you how to get divorced rather than remain committed to the spouse you actually do end up with (think about it—you fall for someone, break-up, move on…then rinse and repeat a billion times till you're relationally desensitized). Whenever someone asks me how I plan on getting married, I simply say, "I plan on marrying a friend." And yes, it really is that simple (to me).
I can't tell you how many marriage sessions I have sat in where it's completely obvious that the two people I'm talking to don't like each other very much. Not only that but it's hard to tell if they ever did. Unfortunately, while they were dating, so much focus was put on if they love each other and where the relationship is ultimately headed, that they weren't able to chill out and build a solid and genuine friendship in the process. It's like since marriage was the goal, friendship never became the foundation. That's why, whenever a couple in trouble come to me, I don't ask, "Do you still love each other?" I wanna know if the like is still there. Do they enjoy hanging out? Do they make each other feel good about themselves? Do they have a variety of things in common with one another? If they could hang out with just about anyone, would their spouse always top the list? Do they feel safe and relaxed in each other's their presence?
The best—and by "best", I mean healthiest—marriages I know consist of a husband and wife who are the very best of homies. Out of all of their friends, their spouse is pretty much their closest one. And because of that, it makes the good days better and the hard ones easier. Mutually liking is a marital superpower. Do you and yours have it?
You Can Tell Your Partner Anything
Recently, I checked out Mrs. KevOnStage's Love Hour podcast on YouTube. This particular episode was "What I wish my wife knew, with Spiceadams and Andy Mineo". Not only was it funny (I'm not sure I've ever heard "run them cheeks" before), but it's always refreshing to hear men talk about how they feel about relationships and, more importantly, what they need in them (check out "10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood"). At around the 48:00 mark, Andy got into how, right before marrying his wife, her shared with her that he had watched porn, even while they dated, along with how she considered that to be cheating and how it ultimately almost resulted in their wedding getting called off.
I used to work with a ministry that dealt with porn addiction (which yes, is a very real thing), so I get why his wife took the stance that she did. At the same time, though, her initial reaction is also why a lot of people choose not to share all of who they are with their partner. When they know that the consequences have the tendency to be very severe, oftentimes, they choose to keep so much of who they are to themselves (or they share it with someone else which can sometimes set the stage for emotional affairs).
Oftentimes, when engaged couples come to me for advice, one thing that I'll refer them to is "276 Questions to Ask Before You Marry". I always get the same response—"C'mon, Shellie. Almost 300 questions?!". In response, I say the same thing, "Yep." You have no idea how many people don't really know each other before they jump the broom. Or worse, one or both are withholding information out of fear of being penalized or punished if they revealed their very core.
In order for someone to vow "for better or for worse", they've got to know what the worse is. That's what engaged couples need to know. If you're married, once you said those words, a part of what truly loving someone is all about is letting them show their good, bad and ugly sides, knowing that you've totally got their back regardless. I mean, that's how you treat your (other) friends…isn't it?
You Have Fun Together
One time, while working with a married couple who were trying to heal from past infidelities (on both sides), when I asked the husband why he cheated, his answer caught his wife way off guard. "My wife is no fun anymore." The fact that she immediately jumped down his throat about how "ridiculous" she thought that reply was actually helped me to understand just where he was coming from. An indie movie that I think is super cute isHe's Mine Not Yours (starring Jason Weaver, Gabrielle Dennis and Caryn Ward Ross). When Brooke (played by Dennis) feels like she might be losing her man, Kent (played by Weaver), she asks his best friend, Doug (played by Carl Payne) what she should do. One thing that he said was, "Lighten the hell up." See, one of the things that attracted Kent to the "other woman" Mandy (played by Ross) is she liked to do things like listen to music, watch basketball games and just…hang out. Everything didn't have to be deep and serious all of the time. And because of that, she was starting to win Kent over.
I don't have one friendship where there aren't times when we don't end up having sobering conversations. But most of the time, we're laughing—cracking jokes, sharing stories, having a ball together. It's a reminder that no one wants to constantly be around a person who is acting like a parent, hall monitor or buzzkill. Yeah, people who are friends with their spouses are able to effortlessly have fun with one another. Only individuals who don't get what it takes to make a marriage work thinks that this particular point is a trivial one.
The Relationship Is a DRAMA-FREE Zone
Y'all, sometimes I'll sit in a marriage session and find myself impressed that I can last an hour with one of the people I'm talking to. And you know what? That makes me respect their spouse all the more since they've actually got to live with them. If I had to categorize the type of person who drains me the most, I'd have to say that it's the drama kings and queens of the earth. Ugh. You know the kind. They make problems where they aren't any. They are masters at blowing things out of proportion. Feelings always supersede logic and good ole' common sense. Nothing every truly satisfies them. You always find yourself walking on eggshells in their presence because you never really know what "version" of them you are going to get at any given moment.
Two friends who want a healthy relationship are going to be extremely proactive in keeping the drama to a minimum. They do this by openly communicating. By not playing mind games (like gaslighting or triggering each other). They take responsibility for their own actions. They make sure that they each feel loved and respected. Peace is the bottom-line goal of their dynamic. I've had some people that I've loved but "fell out of like" with, all because they were too dramatic for my taste. Married couples who are friends with each other, repel drama instead of embrace it; especially when it comes to their own relationship.
They Are One of Your Absolute Favorite People
If it's TMI, my bad. That's kind of how I get down. Anyway, I remember once asking an ex of mine if I was the best that he had ever had (in bed). He sat for a moment and said, "You're not the best. But you're definitely my favorite." At first, I felt some type of way, but when he explained the history of him and his best (he was her first, so you can read between the lines there) and how, if he had to choose, he'd prefer me most of the time (we were very frank with each other, so yes, I could handle his candidness), I got what he meant. When someone is your favorite, they are your preference. When someone is your favorite, they get a kind of special treatment that no one else does. When someone is your favorite, you will easily and effortlessly choose them again and again, no matter what.
I've got friends like that. Friends who, out of all of the people I know, if I had to select a person to be around, it would be them…even if I just hung out with them the day before. That's how much I enjoy their presence in my life. Spouses who are friends tend to feel just like this. While their husband or wife isn't their everything (nor should they be; only God should be seen in that light), they are a favorite—someone who is above all others because that's just how dope their partner is (to them).
Favorite friends. Should I ever get to the point and place of walking down somebody's aisle, that's what I want to be able to proudly and confidently say the love of my life and I are. Not just lovers but long-lasting friends. Just like any happy and healthy married couple should be. For better or for worse. Until death parts them.
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- DJ QuickSilva & Ashley: How To Have Fun In Marriage - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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