

If there is one thing that being a marriage life coach has taught me, it's how much forgiveness plays a direct role in the longevity of any real relationship. Because we're all flawed human beings, there are going to be times when we will need to ask for and extend forgiveness. That's just the way it is. However, I think the reason why a lot of us struggle so much with forgiving others is because, well, a lot of people totally suck at apologizing. That's what we're going to dive into today.
When it comes to offering a full and sincere apology, there is one thing that absolutely must happen that doesn't transpire often enough — there has to be some sort of amends that is made. While I will get deeper into this in a sec, what that basically means is someone must first acknowledge what they did (apology) and then put forth an action to set things right (amends). Otherwise, the apology is pretty much just lip service — and that doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot at the end of the day (many of us can certainly vouch for that).
Before getting into all of this, let me just put on record that I'm not talking about something minor like a person showing up late for a luncheon or a surface-level issue like that. What we're about to tackle is what an apology should look like when someone has hit deep — the role they should play in the healing process, along with the actions that you should take too. So, take a deep breath. Let's help with some of the healing process that comes with the issue of forgiving, shall we?
1. An Apology That Comes with Excuses, Deflecting or Placing Blame Isn’t a Real One
Something that I grew up seeing a lot of is people who absolutely sucked at apologizing. If they did it at all, they found some way to place the blame on other people or circumstances (including Satan; so Christians absolutely live to make Satan the scapegoat of their own choices). Or, if they did do it, what was the point? They would turn around and do the same act, if not months later, days later. Before long, apologizing seemed like an endless version of The Boy Who Cried Wolf and I simply became numb to it (ugh).
There is a silver lining to all of that toxicity, though. Since I watched so many individuals apologize the absolute wrong way and it triggered me on the regular, it taught me to be far more intentional about my own apologies. For starters, I personally do it when I know I mean it rather than as a way to flippantly gloss over things. Two, I do it when I can take full accountability for my actions instead of offering up that piss poor "I'm sorry but if you hadn't have…" crap that a lot of people do. And three, I do it when I am prepared to make an amends for my actions (more on that in a bit).
What I don't do is find a way to excuse, deflect or blame someone or something else for my actions. People who do that? They are skirting responsibility — which is a surefire way for them to repeat the "offense" again. Which is why, at the end of the day, they actually can totally keep their apology to themselves.
2. Anyone Who Says, “I’m Not Apologizing Anymore” Is Kinda Full of It
Let me tell you a clear sign that you are putting yourself in harm's way to be hurt or harmed by someone who has already hurt or harmed you. If in their so-called apology, they say something along the lines of, "Look, I've already apologized for that" or "I'm not gonna keep apologizing. You need to get over it" — that is a red flag like nobody's business. When you really stop to process the fact that someone who offended you is trying to convey that you are inconveniencing them for the fallout that transpired as a direct result? What in the world is going on?
Now, in no way am I saying that someone should make another person feel like they need to grovel in order for an apology to be accepted. Indeed, there is a responsibility for the person on the receiving end to extend some mercy and grace (especially since all of us fail from time to time and need to be forgiven our damn selves). What I am saying is that when someone has hurt or harmed someone and they nonchalantly — or arrogantly, depending on the delivery — try and come on some, "You just need to move on" energy…nothing about that is cloaked in humility, kindness or sincerity. Someone who is truly sorry for something they've said or done is going to convey it in their words, energy and tone. And they are going to do their best to make sure that the apology is both heard and felt.
3. The Apology Needs to Address the “Crime”
I come from a music industry household. When I was a preteen/teenager, my mother was on the road, quite a bit, because she was in artist management. Anyway, indirectly, her profession caused me to not have a 16th or 18th birthday party. Well, kinda. It wasn't because my parties weren't planned. It was because she canceled them, literally at the last minute, because she didn't come back in town in time. Although she provided no real explanation at the time, years up the road, she told me that she had missed her flights on purpose because she was overwhelmed and wanted some time to herself to regroup. OK, while now, as a woman in my 40s, I can somewhat understand that, there is a part of me that is still tender when it comes to that topic because 1) you canceled two parties, again, at the last minute which means your first apology for canceling the first one really didn't mean much and 2) you didn't really do anything to right the wrong. At all. Ever.
And y'all, I believe that this is a part of the reason why a lot of us are either rolling our eyes when someone apologizes to us or we can't fully move forward after they do. It's because, oftentimes, the person who wronged us seems to think that so long as they throw an "I'm apologize", "I'm sorry" or "My bad" our way, that should be enough. It isn't. When someone wrongs us, if they truly get the magnitude of what transpired, they should also find a way to make things right, as best as they can. If you screwed over two of my milestone birthdays, how about throwing another one to make up for it? Doesn't that show that you get the weight of what you did? Twice?
And here's the thing. When an amends isn't made, there tends to be a wound that never fully heals because while the person who offended us says two words and goes on, we are still holding onto some of the pain because they didn't put much effort in to make sure that we're good.
That's why I'm huge on conveying the point that if someone really wants us to know that they get what they did wrong, they will also want to do whatever they can (within reason, of course) to set things right. After all, an amends is defined as being "reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense". Another definition of the word is to "improve" something. If someone can put in the energy to cause harm, they can use that same energy to heal the trauma that they left behind. People who get this are individuals who really understand what an apology entails. It's recognizing what happened and then doing what they can to help with the healing process.
An apology is not an apology without an amends. It really isn't.
4. An Apology Means “I’m Going to Be Intentional About Not Doing ‘It’ Again"
One day, while in my prayer time, as I was ranting to God about someone who just kept on hurting me while I kept on taking it, the story in the Bible about Christ telling us to forgive "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-35) came to mind. Hmph. Isn't it interesting that oftentimes, when it comes to forgiveness, far more of a burden is placed on the victim than the actual victimizer? Yeah, folks will be quick to run this Scripture up when it comes to holding the one who was hurt spiritually accountable while expecting very little from the one who caused the damage in the first place. Some might call that spiritual manipulation. (Hmm.)
Yet what was revealed to me about these verses had a twist to it. "Shellie, if you've got to forgive someone 490 times for the same thing, somebody isn't learning the lesson." That's what I heard in my spirit and instantly, I got it. Some folks will manipulate forgiveness and say that if you truly forgive someone, you will continue to allow them to dwell in your life like nothing every happened. Nooooo. Sometimes, what needs to happen is you forgive and then you set boundaries — not walls, boundaries. Meanwhile, the one who caused the pain needs to go out of their way to not repeat the offense. If they do continue to cause harm in the same area(s), then there should be more boundaries set because what they are basically conveying is they aren't strong in that area; that they need more accountability.
You know, a lot of us who've been hurt/harmed, we weaponize forgiveness, not because of what someone did one time; it's because of what they keep doing. This is why I'm a huge believer that those who are really repentant, they will 1) give a clear apology that includes stating what they did wrong (to prove that they understand what they are apologizing for) and 2) make sure that it's conveyed that they have no intention on repeating the same offense. And then they will seek within to figure out, just how to make that happen.
5. The Offender Doesn’t Decide When You’re Healed. YOU DO.
I'm not sure what's much worse than an arrogant apologizer. Lawd. Like how did you come into my life, blow my entire world up (or break my heart) and then have the unmitigated gall to tell me when the wound — the one that you caused, by the way — should go from a scab to a scar. No sir.
This is another example of when spiritual manipulation can come into play. The offender might say something to you like, "Well, if you truly forgave me, you would act like it never happened." Nooooo. If I truly forgave you, I wouldn't keep repeating the offense, I wouldn't hold it over your head and I would be open to us working together to heal. However, whatever time I need in order to heal, as the offender, you should be more than willing to grant me that.
There is someone in my family who has wreaked so much havoc that you don't have the time and I don't have the energy to share it all. Whenever they get confronted on their dysfunctional BS, one of the first things they will call up is their childhood trauma. Oh, but when someone calls them to the carpet on the trauma they've caused, they wanna talk about how the person should have healed from that by now.
Woundedness doesn't have a timetable. That's why we have to be oh so very careful about the things that we say and do to other people. That said, someone who is truly sorry for their actions ("sorry" is not a bad or low-self esteem-based word, by the way; it simply means "feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc."), they are going to get that while their actions may have happened in an instant, the pain that it caused could take quite some time to heal. And because they understand that, they will not pressure, guilt, gaslight, manipulate or scare someone into acting like they are healed — when they aren't. Yet.
6. If You Want to Heal, You’ve Gotta Quit Rehearsing the Past
OK, now that we've addressed the offender at length, it really does have to go on record that the one who was offended also has some self-worth to do. For one thing, it's important to always keep in mind that forgiving others is a good idea because none of us are perfect and one day, we too will need to be forgiven; probably sooner than later. Next point, refusing to forgive others very rarely does the amount of damage to the other person that it does to us. Mostly because our lack of forgiving typically causes our hearts to harden on some level which can ultimately cause us to take our disappointment/resentment/fear/bitterness out on other people — people who have absolutely nothing to do with what someone did to us.
And three, when we don't forgive, oftentimes we continue to replay what happened to us, over and over, even if it's only in our minds, and that can keep us mentally/emotionally/spiritually/relationally stagnant on some level. So yeah, when it comes to trying to decide whether to forgive or not forgive, forgiveness is always the route to take.
At the same time, what happens past saying, "I forgive you for what you've done and I choose to no longer hold it over you or allow it to consume me" — well, that has layers to it as well. The reason why I say that is because while forgiveness can hopefully bring forth some level of peace, in order for a harmed or broken relationship to be restored, there has to be effort put in on both parts. I've already explained a lot of what the offender's responsibility is. As far as the "offendee", you've first got to decide if you want to maintain a relationship with the person who hurt you. If so, why? If not, why not? Then, you've got to get clear on if "stepping out on faith" in order to bring trust back into the dynamic is ultimately worth it in the long run.
The reason why I say that is because, sometimes people hurt us because they are humans and humans make mistakes. Simple as that. Then there are those who hurt us because they've basically been toxic all along. And third, you've got to be honest with yourself about if you have the emotional maturity to move forward. Because if you claim that you do what to reconcile, then you've got to give someone the space to be able to bring some wholeness back to the relationship. You've got to offer them what you would want someone to offer you if you were on the apologizing side of things (and again, sooner or later, you will be).
I won't lie to you. Healing from the damage that's left, apology or not, can take some real effort and it kinda sucks that the one who was hurt has to do so much self-work. Yet the reality is that no matter how much someone apologizes and strives to make an amends, they can't undo what's already been done and there is a part of you who will have to want to heal in order for things to be set right. Do you want to heal from what happened? Only you can answer that.
7. Give Things Time
There really are some things that ONLY TIME can do. As someone who has had to learn how to do a lot of forgiving and repenting, I can tell you that some wounds have turned into scars that I can barely even see anymore. Then there are wounds that are still a little tender to the touch. What I have learned to do is "love on" all of it. I don't dismiss my wounds. I don't invalidate their needs. I don't put them in further harm's way. And when they tell me, "I need some time and space," I give it to them — and if that's in connection with a person, place, thing or idea, I honor that.
I also don't FORCE things that happen or PUT UP WALLS to prevent things from transpiring either (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"). I get that even with all that has been said or done, time has to be given its say — and I let time take all of the time that it needs. I don't rush time. I don't let who offended me rush it. And, when I've offended someone, I don't put pressure on them to rush time either. It'll happen when it should. I've just got to remain open to time not being when I say so…when it says so. And I'll know because I'll feel peace. Not pressure.
Forgiving someone is not easy. However, I can personally and very much so vouch for the fact that when an amends comes with the apology, it hits different. Some respect is gained. Some trust is restored. And some healing can begin. Just what a full apology is supposed to do.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your February 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Self-Love & Soulful Alignment
Explore your sign’s 2025 horoscope predictions to learn what is in store for you this year in love, career, and more. Check out the love compatibility of each sign to learn more about zodiac pairings and all things compatibility.
February is a coming together, as a culmination of community and abundance is evident. Some significant planets go direct this month after being retrograde since this past year, and we can finally take a deep breath. We walk into the month in Aquarius season, and the focus during this time is on coming together with the people you resonate with on a soul level, opening your heart to love, and gaining perspective in the process. When the Sun is in Aquarius, everything feels more electrified and inspiring, and this is one of the best months of the year to manifest and set your intentions.On Feb. 4, Venus enters Aries, Jupiter goes direct in Gemini, and the energy and passion return. Venus in Aries is fiery, dynamic, and puts self-love first. While Venus is in Aries for the entire month, February is all about going after the things you want in love, and trusting that you will be supported here. Jupiter goes direct on the same day after being retrograde since Oct. 9, and we can see our blessings manifest more effortlessly now, especially regarding communication matters, networking, short travels, education, and the mind. Jupiter finishes its Gemini transit on Jun. 9, so over the next few months, this is a good time to expand your mind and your vision, get creative, and meet new people.
What February 2025 Has In Store For Your Zodiac Sign
The Full Moon of February occurs in Leo on the 12th, and this is the Snow Moon of the year. This Full Moon brings emotions to the surface and creates self-clarity and honesty in the process. This Full Moon is a time to let go of old versions or ideas of yourself that don’t align with who you are today and to focus on what feels authentic and empowering for you right now.
On Valentine's Day, Mercury enters Pisces until Mar. 3, and the mind is on love right now.
While Mercury is in Pisces, we speak in words of poetry and spirituality, and mental connections turn into romantic ones. This is a beautiful energy to walk into on the day of love, signifying an urge to be around people who truly understand you right now.
Pisces season begins on Feb. 18, and we move into a time of closure, healing, creativity, and introspection. On Feb. 23, Mars goes direct in Cancer after being retrograde here since Jan. 6, and being retrograde in general since Dec. 6. With Mars now direct, there is more energy and direction at our disposal, and less confusion on where to go from here. Mars will be direct in Cancer until Apr. 18, and there is a lot of love, support, and intuition to be felt right now. Mars in Cancer supports others while also cherishing boundaries, and this is a good time to feel more stability in matters of the home and heart.
We end the month with a New Moon in Pisces on Feb. 27, and this is a time of magic, dreams coming to fruition, and romance in the air.
A New Moon in Pisces reminds us that what has been lost always comes back around in a new form, and helps us see what our heart is grateful for right now. This is a great New Moon to set your intentions for the future and to dream the dream. Overall, February is an inspiring and enlightening month, and your heart is the one leading the way right now.
Read for your Sun and Rising Sign below to see what February has in store for you.
ARIES
February is all about love for you, Aries. You are thriving within relationship matters as Venus is in your sign for most of this month. Venus moves into Aries on Feb. 4 and will be here until Mar. 27, however, Venus will be going retrograde in your sign on Mar. 1. So, use February to walk into some new beginnings in love, but remember to take your time with things here as well. You are overall feeling more reciprocity, support, and positive recognition now, and self-love is key this month.
On Feb. 12, we have a Full Moon in fellow fire sign Leo, and this Full Moon occurs in your 5th house of romance.
This is a beautiful Full Moon for seeing love bloom and for experiencing a sense of fulfillment that brings you closer to another. Before the month ends, Mars goes direct after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with the home, family, close loved ones, and emotional stability. With Mars now direct here, new foundations can be built in your world, and you feel more supported and secure as you end the month.
TAURUS
This month is a time to reflect, accept, and move into your new beginning, Taurus. There is a lot to process this month, and with the Sun in your 10th house for most of February, a lot of your focus right now is on your goals, purpose, and life path. The Full Moon happening mid-month is an opportunity for you to see things clearer in the home, and to create space for more support and nourishment here. You are letting go of what is weighing you down or making your emotional world feel more difficult to process this month.
Mercury enters your 11th house of hope, community, friendship, and manifestation on Valentine’s Day this year, and you move into a time of inspiration. You are thinking of all the things that make you feel empowered, loved, and in tune, and it’s time to create more of this energy around yourself. We have a New Moon in this same area of your chart before the month ends on Feb. 27, and you are ready to look forward in life rather than at the past of what could have been.
Overall, this month is about listening to your heart and spending more time taking care of yourself.
GEMINI
February is a chance to take a break, Gemini. You need more time to process and prepare for what’s ahead of you, and you are taking the time to do so this month. February begins with Jupiter going direct in your sign after being retrograde here since Oct. 9. Jupiter, the planet of blessings, will be direct in your sign until Jun. 9, and won’t be here again for another decade. This is your opportunity to set intentions, focus on your dreams, and make some important achievements happen.
Extra good luck and support from the universe are with you now, and the key for you is to let things come to you naturally through patience and dedication.
On Feb. 12, there is a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication, and some important culminations are coming through in matters of the mind. You are coming to some conclusions about something, and it’s changing your perspective overall. Before the month ends we have a New Moon in an area of your life having to do with your career, professional world, and reputation, and this is a good time to set your intentions for what goals you want to see through right now.
CANCER
February is a month of enlightenment, Cancer. You are aligned with the path you are walking on right now, and everything is starting to make a little more sense to your heart. This month we have a Full Moon in your 12th house of closure, and you are moving away from an emotionally heavy space. You are letting go of a lot of what has kept you conflicted, and there is a sense of peace that is being obtained in the process. This is your month of inspiring others through your resilience and gift of forgiveness.
Mars goes direct in your sign on Feb. 23 after being retrograde here since Jan. 6. With Mars retrograde in your sign since we began the year, there has been a lot for you to reflect on and emotionally process, and you are seeing yourself and your life with a new perspective and passion. Mars will be in Cancer until Apr. 18, and this is the time to take action on the things that you haven’t been ready to move forward with these past few months. On Feb. 27, we have a New Moon in Pisces, and you are leaving the month in the mood for an adventure.
This is the time to get out of your comfort zone, travel, or do something fun.
LEO
February is about protecting your energy and what you are bringing to fruition in your life, Leo. With a Full Moon in your sign mid-month, you are moving through a time of culmination, release, and inner clarity, and there is a lot to reflect on right now. You are recognizing your need to create boundaries from those who don’t serve you or your life path and are focusing on the things that feel good for you.
With the Sun in your 7th house of love for most of the month as well, you are gaining clarity on the relationships you want to move forward with, and where you need to create more space.
Venus is in Aries and in your 5th house of romance, self-expression, creativity, and joy for most of the month, and your heart is yearning for some excitement. When it comes to love in February, opportunities are coming to the surface for you to get out of your head and into your heart, heed the call. At the end of the month, Mars goes direct in your 12th house of closure, and you are moving into a breakthrough. You end February with less weight on your shoulders and more energy to just be.
VIRGO
Trust your intuition this month, Virgo. February is a month of getting organized, gaining clarity, and feeling purposeful. With Jupiter going direct in your 10th house at the start of the month, blessings follow through regarding your career and professional world. The intentions you have been setting and going over these past few months, are coming to fruition for you now, and you are being recognized and supported for your efforts here. This is a month of feeling a level up in your life, and like you are where you want to be.
Mars goes direct on Feb. 23, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with friendship, community, and your hopes and dreams over the past month or so. With Mars now direct in Cancer, it’s easier for you to feel hopeful and to see and experience the magic in life. Before the month ends, we have a New Moon in your sister sign Pisces on Feb. 27, and love takes on a new beginning. This New Moon is one of the best of the year for you to set your intentions for love, and trust where your heart is being called to right now.
LIBRA
February is all about perspective and the intentions you are setting in your life through the thoughts you are thinking, Libra. The Sun is in your house of romance and Venus is in your house of partnership for most of the month, and there is a lot to look forward to right now. New developments are coming to fruition within your relationships, and you are reaping what you have sown, feeling grateful for what has come to fruition for you.
This is a beautiful month for travel, moving forward in your partnerships, and feeling more commitment and support in doing so.
With Jupiter also going direct this month, your home life and foundations see improvements and expansion. Anywhere you have been feeling limited here is being lifted for you now, and you are able to breathe and think bigger about what is possible for you and your sense of stability in life. The Full Moon happening on Feb. 12, is a chance for you to connect with the people who inspire you, and to let go of anything that doesn’t feel authentic to who you are today or how you feel about things.
SCORPIO
February is a month of feeling loved, Scorpio. Everything's coming together for you exactly how you have envisioned it, and with the Sun in your house of family, support, and foundations, you are feeling closer to your loved ones in the process. We have a Full Moon in your 10th house of career in mid-February, and culminations are coming through in your professional world, as recognition for your efforts and hard work are here for you now. This Full Moon is about taking the time to congratulate yourself for how far you have come and to feel gratitude for your progress in life.
On Feb. 23, Mars goes direct in fellow water sign Cancer, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with travel, adventure, spirituality, and education over the past month or so. With Mars now direct, travel plans follow through and it’s easier for you to see the bigger picture. The New Moon of the month takes place on Feb. 27, and this is a beautiful time for you to experience joy and pleasure. You are ending the month by making your inner child happy, showing up, and connecting with the love that surrounds you now.
SAGITTARIUS
This month is a transition month for you, Sagittarius. You are moving on from what has been, and a few of you may even be moving physically or traveling during this time. This is a month of getting into new energy and letting things go where it is needed. February begins with your ruling planet Jupiter going direct after being retrograde since last fall, and you are able to experience more of the blessings in love that you have been looking for.
Love turns a new page this month, and it’s because you are no longer settling for things that don’t align with what you want for yourself or your future.
On Feb. 12, a Full Moon is happening in an area of your life that has to do with your passion, inspiration, travel ventures, and perspective, and you are getting the full picture right now. This Full Moon is about accepting the truths that have come to the surface and following through on plans that you have had for yourself. Mars goes direct in your 8th house of transformation on Feb. 23, and you end the month experiencing a personal breakthrough. A lot is changing for you in February, and you are the one leading these efforts forward because you are owning the life you deserve.
CAPRICORN
A new month is here, and you are looking forward to all of the new experiences you are about to get into, Capricorn. February is an inspiring, passionate, and eye-opening month for you and you are making a lot of progress. With the Sun in your 2nd house of finances, values, and self-confidence for most of the month, you are spending a lot of your time developing new plans and intentions for yourself, especially financially. Mid-month we have a Full Moon in your 8th house of shared resources, and the support that you need to thrive and expand financially right now is becoming clearer to you.
Towards the end of the month, Mars goes direct in your sister sign Cancer, after being retrograde in an area of your life having to do with love, partnership, and harmony over the past month or so. With Mars moving forward again, so are you in love, and your relationship dynamics feel a little more balanced and empowered for you. On Feb. 27, we have a New Moon in Pisces to close out the month, and this New Moon for you is all about setting your intentions regarding communication, networking, and the ideas you want to build off of right now.
AQUARIUS
Your season is here, and everything is falling into place for you now, Aquarius. This is a month of feeling a positive culmination of everything you have been working towards, and seeing the rewards for your efforts. With the Sun in your sign until the 18th, all eyes are on you and you are focused on your personal goals, investments, and self-courage. Jupiter goes direct as we begin the month, turning things around for you in love and helping you see things with a new perspective here.
Blessings and understanding within relationship matters bloom for you now, and you can finally take a break from the confusion here.
With Venus in your 11th house of friendship for most of February, this is the month for connecting with the people who you resonate with on a soul level and giving your heart more time to enjoy the company. The Full Moon happening mid-month occurs in your opposite sign, highlighting your romantic life and sense of partnership. Love comes full circle as you let go of the past here and see the gifts of the partnerships you have been building in your life.
PISCES
February is your month of abundance and opportunities, Pisces. There is a lot to tend to this month, but you have the empowerment and passion to do so. Jupiter goes direct in your 4th house as the month begins, and you are feeling stronger foundations emotionally and within the home right now. Progress is being made in the spaces that are close to the heart, and you are feeling the blessings of support and stability in your life. The Full Moon happening on Feb. 12, is about letting go of unhealthy daily routines or habits and giving yourself more space to figure out what feels right for you.
On Valentine's Day this year, Mercury enters your sign, and your mind is focused on love, understanding, and connection. The conversations you are having now are fulfilling your heart and inspiring you, and you are gaining clarity in relationship matters as well. Pisces season officially begins on Feb. 18, and it’s your time to shine, to love, and to be loved in return.
Before the month ends we have a New Moon in Pisces on Feb. 27, and this is one of the best times of the year for you to set your personal intentions, manifest, and reinvent yourself.
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When you work with couples (especially married ones), you’re gonna hear just about everything (relationship-related) eventually. Here’s what I mean: About six months ago, while in a session with a couple, after asking them both to rate their sex lives on a scale of 1-10, while the wife said “8,” the husband gave a surprising answer. “Well, the sex is like a 9 if you’re talking about intercourse but it’s like a 5.5 overall.” Huh? What does that mean? “She is silent in bed and I hate it. And no matter how much I bring it up, nothing changes.”
After about three sessions, we were able to figure out what was going on. She was self-conscious in that area, plus, she also thought that hearing wasn’t a sense, in sex, that should be a big deal. If you’re on her team, you can check out “How To Incorporate All Five Senses To Have The Best Sex Ever” to grasp why that is absolutely not true. Not only does research tell us that sex sounds can help us to perform better, it can boost our (sexual) self-esteem, help us to communicate pleasure (and sometimes, displeasure) and it can also be a form of reassurance for (and from) your partner.
All of this got me to thinking: although a lot of people do actually enjoy sounds and/or words during sex, out of random curiosity, I wanted to know which ones they are — and why. And so, I got together 12 people (six men and six women) who told me what they enjoy hearing most during coitus. After reading this, please feel free to hop in the comments to share if you can relate — or if other things work for you instead.
*Middle names are used in my interview pieces so that people can speak freely*
1. Haven. 34. In a Serious Relationship.
“Cue Destiny’s Child’s ‘Say My Name,’ girl! There is nothing better than a man being inside of you and saying your name at the same time. There’s a sneaky hack to this too: It’s been my experience that men who don’t say a woman’s name then is because they don’t want to mess up and say her name with some other chick. If he says yours, there’s no one else or he doesn’t care about slipping up. Don’t challenge me on this until you’ve thought it through and tested it out. It has always worked for me.”
2. Nathaniel. 28. Single.
“I never got why people were into porn. Mostly all they are doing is moaning and screaming a lot and even that sounds fake. I like words. Tell me what feels good and what you want more of. Say it in a way that is sexy not like you’re a military instructor. I don’t like silence but if you’re gonna just make sounds and not say anything, I’m not turned on as much.”
3. Xen. 40. Married.
“Cuss words. Dirty, filthy, on-repeat cuss words. It’s funny because I don’t cuss in ‘real life’ at all, so when I first got with my now-husband and I was screaming ‘F-ck me!’, he really didn’t know how to take it. It’s not that I have a problem with cussing. I’ve just always associated it with sex, so that’s where it comes up. I won’t get into what he says back…that’s between us. We’re quite fluent in the swear words and they are excellently positioned during sex, though. Know that.”
4. Douglass. 39. Dating.
“My favorite is to be told how good I taste and to hear how a woman responds when I say the same thing to her. I don’t think women realize how self-conscious it can make us if they turn up their face at the thought of swallowing or if they spit it out in front of us. Imagine if we were that way to you? A woman who is all-in, giving and receiving, with head? She’s a fan favorite.”
Shellie here: This actually reminds me of an Instagram post that I recently watched. It’s, eh, poetic enough that you can probably watch it at work. Umm, I think. LOL. You can check it out here. Oh, and cue Lil Wayne’s “Lollipop” song too.
5. Nori. 29. Dating.
“I don’t know what it is, but any time a man whispers, ‘Whose is it?’, that is going to make me bust right there! He can’t say it; he has to whisper it and, preferably, he needs to do it right when he enters and right before he knows that I’m about to cum. It’s kind of primal in a way. Since I like intense, animalistic sex — that tracks.”
6. Jacob. 27. Engaged.
“The first time I heard a woman say, ‘Pound my p-sssy, n-gga!’, I lost it — yes, ‘it’, right there! If you’re a man who gives even half of a damn, a lot goes through your mind during sex including making sure that you are being as gentle and comfortable as possible. When you come across a woman who doesn’t give a damn about sh-t like that, who wants you to let go and be free — you’re in for a great night. You just might get turned out in the process too.”
7. Vivyca. 43. Single.
“Who doesn’t like to hear how good they feel? Just make sure that you’re as descriptive as you can be. How warm am I? How wet am I? How do I feel on you? Moan and grunt a bit in between your words. Make me understand what I feel like because I don’t know unless you tell me. Is it getting hot in here? Damn.”
8. Keith. 35. In a Serious Relationship.
“I like humming. Hum in my ear. Hum on my ear. Hum on my penis. The sensation of humming is indescribable.”
Shellie here: I did some quick research on this one. According to science, humming improves our mood and feels really good — on the giving and receiving end. So, Keith might just be onto something with this one.
9. Queen. 24. Dating.
“You ever notice how men want to come out of you, right after they nut? That annoys me [insert laughter here]! I was so used to that, that when an ex of mine would hold my hips and say, ‘I’m not ready to leave yet’ — that would sometimes make me have another orgasm. Now I’m trying to figure out how to get other guys to say it. Suggestions?”
10. Erik. 43. Single.
“I’ve been with a few bi and multilingual women in my time. I’m always excited to find that out. A woman who moans in another language? Top-tier sh-t. The accent. The new words. All of it. Nothing has been better in my book yet and I’m middle-aged!”
11. Sloanne. 35. In a Serious Relationship.
“It might sound self-involved but my favorite thing to hear during sex is mostly myself. Damn, now that I said that out loud, it REALLY sounds arrogant but hear me out! I like hearing me enjoy ‘him’. Like when I tell my man that he makes me wet or he gets me to, what’s the word — coo, it arouses me more because it’s almost like I’m not in control of what comes out of my mouth. My job requires that I be hypervigilant with what I say — I just love the vocal release that comes from sex because I can let it all out.”
12. Reid. 30. Married.
“’Mercy sex’ is awful. Men endure it because, if that’s the only way that we’re going to get some — okay. But when you’re just having sex with us to get us to not want to for the next few days, your attitude and energy are going to show it. That’s why I like it when my wife tells me not to cum yet or to stop what I’m doing because she’s not ready to. That means she’s in the moment and doesn’t want to rush. Music to a married man’s ears!”
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Again, I’m always going to believe that…vocal activity during sex is going to make sex better because even reading this had me a little tingly inside. LOL. Seriously, though, the (main) purpose of this was simply to remind you that sex is best when EVERY PART OF YOU is involved. DIY sound effects included.
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