

Heads Up: It's NOT An Apology If An Amends Isn't Made
If there is one thing that being a marriage life coach has taught me, it's how much forgiveness plays a direct role in the longevity of any real relationship. Because we're all flawed human beings, there are going to be times when we will need to ask for and extend forgiveness. That's just the way it is. However, I think the reason why a lot of us struggle so much with forgiving others is because, well, a lot of people totally suck at apologizing. That's what we're going to dive into today.
When it comes to offering a full and sincere apology, there is one thing that absolutely must happen that doesn't transpire often enough — there has to be some sort of amends that is made. While I will get deeper into this in a sec, what that basically means is someone must first acknowledge what they did (apology) and then put forth an action to set things right (amends). Otherwise, the apology is pretty much just lip service — and that doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot at the end of the day (many of us can certainly vouch for that).
Before getting into all of this, let me just put on record that I'm not talking about something minor like a person showing up late for a luncheon or a surface-level issue like that. What we're about to tackle is what an apology should look like when someone has hit deep — the role they should play in the healing process, along with the actions that you should take too. So, take a deep breath. Let's help with some of the healing process that comes with the issue of forgiving, shall we?
1. An Apology That Comes with Excuses, Deflecting or Placing Blame Isn’t a Real One
Something that I grew up seeing a lot of is people who absolutely sucked at apologizing. If they did it at all, they found some way to place the blame on other people or circumstances (including Satan; so Christians absolutely live to make Satan the scapegoat of their own choices). Or, if they did do it, what was the point? They would turn around and do the same act, if not months later, days later. Before long, apologizing seemed like an endless version of The Boy Who Cried Wolf and I simply became numb to it (ugh).
There is a silver lining to all of that toxicity, though. Since I watched so many individuals apologize the absolute wrong way and it triggered me on the regular, it taught me to be far more intentional about my own apologies. For starters, I personally do it when I know I mean it rather than as a way to flippantly gloss over things. Two, I do it when I can take full accountability for my actions instead of offering up that piss poor "I'm sorry but if you hadn't have…" crap that a lot of people do. And three, I do it when I am prepared to make an amends for my actions (more on that in a bit).
What I don't do is find a way to excuse, deflect or blame someone or something else for my actions. People who do that? They are skirting responsibility — which is a surefire way for them to repeat the "offense" again. Which is why, at the end of the day, they actually can totally keep their apology to themselves.
2. Anyone Who Says, “I’m Not Apologizing Anymore” Is Kinda Full of It
Let me tell you a clear sign that you are putting yourself in harm's way to be hurt or harmed by someone who has already hurt or harmed you. If in their so-called apology, they say something along the lines of, "Look, I've already apologized for that" or "I'm not gonna keep apologizing. You need to get over it" — that is a red flag like nobody's business. When you really stop to process the fact that someone who offended you is trying to convey that you are inconveniencing them for the fallout that transpired as a direct result? What in the world is going on?
Now, in no way am I saying that someone should make another person feel like they need to grovel in order for an apology to be accepted. Indeed, there is a responsibility for the person on the receiving end to extend some mercy and grace (especially since all of us fail from time to time and need to be forgiven our damn selves). What I am saying is that when someone has hurt or harmed someone and they nonchalantly — or arrogantly, depending on the delivery — try and come on some, "You just need to move on" energy…nothing about that is cloaked in humility, kindness or sincerity. Someone who is truly sorry for something they've said or done is going to convey it in their words, energy and tone. And they are going to do their best to make sure that the apology is both heard and felt.
3. The Apology Needs to Address the “Crime”
I come from a music industry household. When I was a preteen/teenager, my mother was on the road, quite a bit, because she was in artist management. Anyway, indirectly, her profession caused me to not have a 16th or 18th birthday party. Well, kinda. It wasn't because my parties weren't planned. It was because she canceled them, literally at the last minute, because she didn't come back in town in time. Although she provided no real explanation at the time, years up the road, she told me that she had missed her flights on purpose because she was overwhelmed and wanted some time to herself to regroup. OK, while now, as a woman in my 40s, I can somewhat understand that, there is a part of me that is still tender when it comes to that topic because 1) you canceled two parties, again, at the last minute which means your first apology for canceling the first one really didn't mean much and 2) you didn't really do anything to right the wrong. At all. Ever.
And y'all, I believe that this is a part of the reason why a lot of us are either rolling our eyes when someone apologizes to us or we can't fully move forward after they do. It's because, oftentimes, the person who wronged us seems to think that so long as they throw an "I'm apologize", "I'm sorry" or "My bad" our way, that should be enough. It isn't. When someone wrongs us, if they truly get the magnitude of what transpired, they should also find a way to make things right, as best as they can. If you screwed over two of my milestone birthdays, how about throwing another one to make up for it? Doesn't that show that you get the weight of what you did? Twice?
And here's the thing. When an amends isn't made, there tends to be a wound that never fully heals because while the person who offended us says two words and goes on, we are still holding onto some of the pain because they didn't put much effort in to make sure that we're good.
That's why I'm huge on conveying the point that if someone really wants us to know that they get what they did wrong, they will also want to do whatever they can (within reason, of course) to set things right. After all, an amends is defined as being "reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense". Another definition of the word is to "improve" something. If someone can put in the energy to cause harm, they can use that same energy to heal the trauma that they left behind. People who get this are individuals who really understand what an apology entails. It's recognizing what happened and then doing what they can to help with the healing process.
An apology is not an apology without an amends. It really isn't.
4. An Apology Means “I’m Going to Be Intentional About Not Doing ‘It’ Again"
One day, while in my prayer time, as I was ranting to God about someone who just kept on hurting me while I kept on taking it, the story in the Bible about Christ telling us to forgive "seventy times seven" (Matthew 18:21-35) came to mind. Hmph. Isn't it interesting that oftentimes, when it comes to forgiveness, far more of a burden is placed on the victim than the actual victimizer? Yeah, folks will be quick to run this Scripture up when it comes to holding the one who was hurt spiritually accountable while expecting very little from the one who caused the damage in the first place. Some might call that spiritual manipulation. (Hmm.)
Yet what was revealed to me about these verses had a twist to it. "Shellie, if you've got to forgive someone 490 times for the same thing, somebody isn't learning the lesson." That's what I heard in my spirit and instantly, I got it. Some folks will manipulate forgiveness and say that if you truly forgive someone, you will continue to allow them to dwell in your life like nothing every happened. Nooooo. Sometimes, what needs to happen is you forgive and then you set boundaries — not walls, boundaries. Meanwhile, the one who caused the pain needs to go out of their way to not repeat the offense. If they do continue to cause harm in the same area(s), then there should be more boundaries set because what they are basically conveying is they aren't strong in that area; that they need more accountability.
You know, a lot of us who've been hurt/harmed, we weaponize forgiveness, not because of what someone did one time; it's because of what they keep doing. This is why I'm a huge believer that those who are really repentant, they will 1) give a clear apology that includes stating what they did wrong (to prove that they understand what they are apologizing for) and 2) make sure that it's conveyed that they have no intention on repeating the same offense. And then they will seek within to figure out, just how to make that happen.
5. The Offender Doesn’t Decide When You’re Healed. YOU DO.
I'm not sure what's much worse than an arrogant apologizer. Lawd. Like how did you come into my life, blow my entire world up (or break my heart) and then have the unmitigated gall to tell me when the wound — the one that you caused, by the way — should go from a scab to a scar. No sir.
This is another example of when spiritual manipulation can come into play. The offender might say something to you like, "Well, if you truly forgave me, you would act like it never happened." Nooooo. If I truly forgave you, I wouldn't keep repeating the offense, I wouldn't hold it over your head and I would be open to us working together to heal. However, whatever time I need in order to heal, as the offender, you should be more than willing to grant me that.
There is someone in my family who has wreaked so much havoc that you don't have the time and I don't have the energy to share it all. Whenever they get confronted on their dysfunctional BS, one of the first things they will call up is their childhood trauma. Oh, but when someone calls them to the carpet on the trauma they've caused, they wanna talk about how the person should have healed from that by now.
Woundedness doesn't have a timetable. That's why we have to be oh so very careful about the things that we say and do to other people. That said, someone who is truly sorry for their actions ("sorry" is not a bad or low-self esteem-based word, by the way; it simply means "feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc."), they are going to get that while their actions may have happened in an instant, the pain that it caused could take quite some time to heal. And because they understand that, they will not pressure, guilt, gaslight, manipulate or scare someone into acting like they are healed — when they aren't. Yet.
6. If You Want to Heal, You’ve Gotta Quit Rehearsing the Past
OK, now that we've addressed the offender at length, it really does have to go on record that the one who was offended also has some self-worth to do. For one thing, it's important to always keep in mind that forgiving others is a good idea because none of us are perfect and one day, we too will need to be forgiven; probably sooner than later. Next point, refusing to forgive others very rarely does the amount of damage to the other person that it does to us. Mostly because our lack of forgiving typically causes our hearts to harden on some level which can ultimately cause us to take our disappointment/resentment/fear/bitterness out on other people — people who have absolutely nothing to do with what someone did to us.
And three, when we don't forgive, oftentimes we continue to replay what happened to us, over and over, even if it's only in our minds, and that can keep us mentally/emotionally/spiritually/relationally stagnant on some level. So yeah, when it comes to trying to decide whether to forgive or not forgive, forgiveness is always the route to take.
At the same time, what happens past saying, "I forgive you for what you've done and I choose to no longer hold it over you or allow it to consume me" — well, that has layers to it as well. The reason why I say that is because while forgiveness can hopefully bring forth some level of peace, in order for a harmed or broken relationship to be restored, there has to be effort put in on both parts. I've already explained a lot of what the offender's responsibility is. As far as the "offendee", you've first got to decide if you want to maintain a relationship with the person who hurt you. If so, why? If not, why not? Then, you've got to get clear on if "stepping out on faith" in order to bring trust back into the dynamic is ultimately worth it in the long run.
The reason why I say that is because, sometimes people hurt us because they are humans and humans make mistakes. Simple as that. Then there are those who hurt us because they've basically been toxic all along. And third, you've got to be honest with yourself about if you have the emotional maturity to move forward. Because if you claim that you do what to reconcile, then you've got to give someone the space to be able to bring some wholeness back to the relationship. You've got to offer them what you would want someone to offer you if you were on the apologizing side of things (and again, sooner or later, you will be).
I won't lie to you. Healing from the damage that's left, apology or not, can take some real effort and it kinda sucks that the one who was hurt has to do so much self-work. Yet the reality is that no matter how much someone apologizes and strives to make an amends, they can't undo what's already been done and there is a part of you who will have to want to heal in order for things to be set right. Do you want to heal from what happened? Only you can answer that.
7. Give Things Time
There really are some things that ONLY TIME can do. As someone who has had to learn how to do a lot of forgiving and repenting, I can tell you that some wounds have turned into scars that I can barely even see anymore. Then there are wounds that are still a little tender to the touch. What I have learned to do is "love on" all of it. I don't dismiss my wounds. I don't invalidate their needs. I don't put them in further harm's way. And when they tell me, "I need some time and space," I give it to them — and if that's in connection with a person, place, thing or idea, I honor that.
I also don't FORCE things that happen or PUT UP WALLS to prevent things from transpiring either (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"). I get that even with all that has been said or done, time has to be given its say — and I let time take all of the time that it needs. I don't rush time. I don't let who offended me rush it. And, when I've offended someone, I don't put pressure on them to rush time either. It'll happen when it should. I've just got to remain open to time not being when I say so…when it says so. And I'll know because I'll feel peace. Not pressure.
Forgiving someone is not easy. However, I can personally and very much so vouch for the fact that when an amends comes with the apology, it hits different. Some respect is gained. Some trust is restored. And some healing can begin. Just what a full apology is supposed to do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
An author by the name of Alexandra Katehakis once said this about orgasms: “Great spiritual teachers throughout the ages have stated that orgasm is the closest some people come to a spiritual experience because of the momentary loss of self. Why is this true? Because with spiritual sex, you move beyond orgasm into a connection with yourself, your partner, and the divine — recognizing them all as one.”
If it’s counterintuitive to what you’ve ever thought about orgasms, believe it or not, there are even pastors who have said that climaxing is the closest comprehension of heaven on this side of it: it is an extreme kind of bliss that is indescribable and is best experienced between two people who share a sacrificial kind of love for one another.
Although this might seem like a heavy way to intro this particular topic, because the O Method is an orgasm-achieving technique that centers around housing energy, embracing the mental practice of manifestation, and the attempt to achieve the best climaxes ever — it all works together pretty well if you ask me. If you want to take your orgasms to the next level, it’s important that you get out of yourself (to a certain extent), that you see the spiritual role that manifestation plays, and that you are open to trying new things. No doubt about it.
So, let’s learn more about what the O Method is all about and how it very well could be just what you’ve been looking for…even if you didn’t know it.
What Is the “O Method” All About?
Question: When’s the last time you’ve had an orgasm? Not just any orgasm — I mean a really mind-blowing one (I’ll give you a second to think about it). Now, what if you could manifest that experience to the point where it wasn’t a rare occurrence but something that happened almost every time that you and your partner had sex with each other? How absolutely awesome would that be?
That is pretty much what the O Method is all about — helping you achieve the kind of orgasms (and sexual pleasure, in general) that you desire through the practice of manifestation. And since your biggest sex organ is your brain, it would make perfect sense that even with all of the tips and techniques that you might learn to do as far as your body is concerned, honing in on what you think about is super imperative to sexual fulfillment, too. And that’s just where manifestation comes in.
What If You’ve Never “Manifested” Anything Before?
Before we get into a quick lesson on manifestation, I think it’s important to mention two things. One, for the cynics, there is a lot of truth in the fact that it’s got some solid spiritual basis to it because even the Good Book says that as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). At the same time, that same Good Book tells us that faith without works is dead (James 2:14-26). So, while it is always a good idea to focus on good, positive, and productive thoughts, just thinking about them isn’t enough — at some point, you’ve also gotta get out here and DO something (bookmark that).
Okay, with that mini-sermon out of the way, whether it’s in the bedroom or not, manifestation is basically about focusing on something tangible that you desire, harnessing your energy in such a way that your words and actions are directed towards that longing until what you want, well, manifests. For the record, aside from this having a spiritual backing to it, in many ways, science cosigns on manifesting, too. There is actually a scientific process known as neuroplasticity that consists of reframing your mind so that your actions ultimately end up aligning with your goals — and that is another way to look at manifestation.
So, what if you’re someone who has never set out to do a manifestation practice before? No worries. Something that’s awesome about it is there are several different approaches that you can take.
Some people manifest what they want in their lives via:
- Journaling
- Visualization/Creating vision boards
- Writing down their desires before going to bed (so that they can “download” them into their dream state)
- Creating mantras and affirmations
- Applying the 369 Manifestation Method (you can learn more about that here)
- Meditating
- Learning more about what you want to manifest (which brings forth clarity)
This is important to keep in mind because, when it comes to manifesting the types of orgasms that you want to have, as you can see, you can try different manifestation methods until you find one (or ones) that you are truly comfortable with. One that can ease you into the entire process rather smoothly is something known as sex journaling.
How Sex Journaling Can Actually Help You to Have an Orgasm
As a writer, I’m a big fan of journaling. Mostly because it’s a way to get out some of your deepest thoughts and feelings so that you’re able to really process what is happening inside of you in a private setting. And when it comes to sex journaling, specifically, it’s all about centering yourself on the things sexually that you want to “unpack,” get clarity on or come to some revelations about. For instance, if there’s only been one partner from your past who’s been able to help you achieve the type of orgasms that you wish to manifest, journaling about what makes him different from the other guys can provide you with some solid ah-ha moments.
Or if you need help getting as specific as possible about the sexual experiences that you’re after, journaling can help to make that happen for you — because one thing that manifesting reminds us all to do is be as specific as possible.
Yeah, simply saying, “I want to have better sex” isn’t detailed enough when you want to get your energy to match with your desires — instead, describe how all of your senses should feel in the experience, along with why, that can get you so much closer to achieving your goal. Once those things are documented, you can segue into creating mantras and/or meditation that are based on them. Yeah, sex journaling really is an underrated superpower on a lot of levels (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”).
5 Tips for Making the O Method Work for You
Now that you know more about what the O Method is and how manifestation plays a direct role in its process, let’s talk about five ways to make the O Method truly effective in your own (sex) life.
1. Focus, FULLY, on your feminine energy. What do rose quartz, amethyst, moonstone (which is a Gemini birthstone as well; yes, I’m a Gemini), selenite, and rhodonite all have in common? They’re crystals that help you to go deeper into your divine feminine energy. Traits that are associated with this include compassion, creativity, kindness, gentleness, and sensuality (feminine energy is also accepting and forgiving). If you were to study energy from a biological standpoint, it’s about producing change, responding to stimuli, and having the ability to do what needs to be done (work). So, when it comes to manifesting the kind of orgasms or sexual experiences that you want, using things like your creativity and gentleness in your thoughts and actions can play a role in bringing balance to your partner’s masculinity, which can create a profound sense of pleasure — after all, opposites do attract.
2. Don’t hold back on what it is that you desire. Whenever I interview sex therapists, something that they all say is, a huge mistake that people make as far as sexual satisfaction is concerned is, they have walls up — not just with their partners but even within themselves. Sometimes, there is intimidation, fear, or even shame around what they really want to happen during sex to the point where they aren’t able to channel their energy fully in those directions in order to manifest what they want. For the O Method to work, you can’t let those types of negative emotions hinder you; the more you are able to articulate what you want and how you want it, the better chance you have of making it happen. So yes, get graphic. As graphic as possible.
3. Make manifestation a daily practice. Repetition is important when it comes to manifestation. That’s because the more you declare what you desire (a mantra), get still and think on it (meditation), or look at the “art” that you’ve created surrounding it (visualization), the quicker it becomes a part of you. So yes, make manifestation a daily practice. For instance, if one of your mantras is, “I am going to have intensely passionate orgasms, one right after the other,” don’t just state that 15 minutes before sex is going to happen. Wake up and declare it. Then say it on your lunch break. And again before turning in. The more your thoughts are “streamlined” in this way, the easier it will be for your body to follow suit.
4. Share this practice with your partner. If you were to do even more research on the O Method, one thing that most of the articles will mention is it’s a practice that you can do alone or with your partner. Indeed. However, I just want to make sure that you get into your psyche that great sex is, in part, about good communication. And so, the more comfortable you are sharing with your partner what you are doing as far as the O Method is concerned and what you ultimately want to happen as a result of the practice, the easier it will be for him to “match your energy” — both in and out of the bedroom. And when your partner is on the same page as you? That definitely increases the chances of attaining your sexual desires — exponentially so.
5. Stay in the moment. While I was reading one article on manifestation, I really appreciated something that the author said: manifestation isn’t some supernatural power. In other words, while it can be beneficial, it’s not like you can just think of something, and it instantly appears out of nowhere. Manifesting is a discipline, and it must be accompanied by action, consistency, and patience — this means that you must also practice mindfulness. Meaning, now that you know better what you’re looking to achieve as far as sex is concerned, every time that it transpires, maintain a level of positive energy, remember what your end goal is, and then determine in your mind to enjoy the moments as they come. Remember, manifestation isn’t to add stress…it’s to cultivate clarity.
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At the end of the day, the O Method is simply a way of reminding you that your mind plays a huge role in your sexual pleasure, and when you channel it and your energy exactly where you want them both to go, you’ll be amazed what your body is capable of doing…and accomplishing.
So, what kind of orgasm are you wanting to achieve? You’ve got a tool to get you there. USE IT.
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