

Living With Regrets Might Be A Good Thing After All
Even before I went to look up the word to make sure I understood what it meant, a statement that has always made me wince in my mind is "I don't have any regrets" (or some variation of that).
Although I know it's a popular thing that folks like to say, to me, it always came off as a mixture of arrogance and thou doth protest too much. It would cause me to say (usually also in my mind) "So, hold up. With all of the stuff that you've done over the course of your entire life, there is nothing that you regret?" Nothing at all?
Shoot. I have a ton of stuff I regret.
I regret starting my freelancing career without hiring a tax accountant. I regret spending more time in the university center than in the library in college. I regret dating a guy for years who I knew I wasn't in love with. I regret all of my abortions but especially my fourth one.
Shoot, just this week, I regretted ordering something from a merchant on Etsy who lost my merchandise. So yeah, I don't get how anyone on the planet can get out of a seven-day cycle, let alone an entire lifetime without having any regrets.
Still, I've heard people say it so much, with so much boldness and confidence, that I decided to do some further investigating. After having a conversation with about 20 people about them "having no regrets", more times than not, they would get into how, no matter what happened to them or even what they've chosen to do, that may not have been the wisest thing at the time, it all played a role in where they are and who they are. And that is why they have no regrets.
I hear that. I get it even. But to me, that sounds more like being in a state of acceptance than not regretting anything. It's the definition of regret that brings me to that conclusion.
Regret: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)
And remorse?
Remorse: deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction
Now take a moment and think back over the course of your life. Is there nothing, not one thing, that you are remorseful about? Really?
If you still stand firm on your point, you're not alone. There's a guy that I know who basically makes it a hobby to leave women in shambles. Whenever I've asked him if he regrets it, he looks me dead in the eye, doesn't blink, and says "no". (Yeah, I hope he doesn't "regret" that karma that's coming his way too!)
Help me out here. When you see not having remorse (which is regret) in that kind of context, doesn't it creep you out a bit? If it doesn't, it should. In fact, if you do some Googling around about what it means to not be a remorseful individual, don't be surprised if the word "psychopath" pops up (that's not a compliment, by the way).
For me, I get that my good and bad choices have made me the woman I am today—and yes, I love her. That's why whenever I do interviews on Christian radio stations and they ask me if I "regret" not being a virgin, the answer is along the lines of some of Column A and some of Column B.
On one hand, the more information I get on how much sex affects a person, I understand how much simpler (and healthier) life would've been if I had chosen to have one partner for life (if you want your mind to be blown, check out this YouTube video on the physical effects of multiple partners).
On the other, those 14 dudes and the experiences that came from "knowing" them? They are priceless.
Still, I can't say that just because I like who I am that there aren't some regrets. I regret getting chlamydia. I regret hurting other women by sleeping with their boyfriend. I regret faking orgasms to boost certain guys' egos. I regret getting date raped and not calling the cops. The list goes on.
And here's the thing about regret. For me, it's the act of regretting—it's humbling myself enough to acknowledge wrongdoing on my part, even if it was nothing more than pure recklessness—that broke a lot of patterns, healed a lot of issues and, in some instances, even mended certain relationships.
In other words, living with regrets has made me better, not worse.
I already know some people will forever be on the tip of, "I don't regret nothin' and I'm stickin' to it!" I get that. I'm just hoping that knowing—or revisiting—the definition of the word will provide a little food for thought.
Personally, I feel safer—yes safer—around those who live with regrets than those who don't have any.
But maybe that's just me.
Featured image by Getty Images
- The Psychology (and Philosophy) of 'No Regrets' - Pacific Standard ›
- Die With No Regrets: Follow These 43 Life Lessons ›
- 5 Simple Ways to Live Your Best Life With No Regrets | Inc.com ›
- When You Want to Live Without Regrets - Melissa Camara Wilkins ›
- Live without Regret - friend ›
- You'll Seriously Regret These Life Choices Forever And What to do ... ›
- 40 Ways to Live Life Without Regrets ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Russell and Nina Westbrook Dish On The Key Ways To Avoid Resentment In Relationships
Russell and Nina Westbrook are one of those low-key, unproblematic couples we don’t talk about enough. They met in college and got married in 2015. They also have a beautiful family with three kids. While Russell is an NBA star, Nina is a licensed family and marriage therapist and a mental health advocate.
She recently launched the podcast The Relationship Chronicles with Nina Westbrook, and in the latest episode, she had none other than her husband on as a guest. The college sweethearts dived into important topics from marriage to children and how they navigate it all.
One of the topics they touched on was dealing with resentment in your relationship. The former MVP highlighted the sacrifices his wife has had to make in order for him to pursue a career in the NBA, and that’s why it’s also important for him to support his wife whenever he can.
“For me is respecting and understanding what your partner do and the time it takes,” Russell said. “Not kind of downplaying what they do, understanding the time and energy and effort they're doing to make sure whether it’s their job or making sure home is taken care of, and understanding that, I think that is the challenge of not being resentful.”
Nina agreed and also shared her thoughts on resentment. According to her, one of the best things couples should do is have their own identity and passions outside of the relationship in an effort to be fulfilled.
“I also think that when you’re in a relationship, that’s why it’s so important that each individual kinda pursue their own passions and follow their own dreams as I feel like it only becomes or leads to resentment when one person is not feeling fulfilled in what they're doing in their lives,” she explained.
“And so, they will start to look at the other partner who’s happy or excelling or promoting or moving along in their journey, then they’re left feeling stuck like they sacrificed themselves, their happiness, their career, their future and have not pursued it in the name of the relationship or their partner. So, it’s so much easier to avoid those feelings of resentment when you’re each equally pursuing your passions.”
The couple has many passions that they work on together and separately. Outside of basketball and his family, Russell has become known for his eclectic style and started the fashion brand Honor The Gift. Nina has her podcast, and she also started the mental health website Bene. Together, they run the Why Not? Foundation, which works with kids in underserved communities.
“I’m a firm believer that one person can’t be everything to you, so you have to sort of seek out those different friendships or groups or hobbies or activities that help to fulfill you,” Nina concluded.
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Feature image by Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images for Religion of Sports