There are times when we try to run from our past, not realizing that our pain and experiences are the very things we must overcome in order to live a life we truly desire. We want love, but carry the dark shadows of people who've abused or misused us into our next relationship. We want to be sexually free, but memories of an unsolicited touch from strangers and even loved ones keep us confined. And while there's a desire to be healed—to be open and trusting again—there's a deeper part of us that struggles to let go as a form of self-preservation and protection.
It's something that Jayd Hernandez, an intimacy and relationship coach and founder of Femme Beat, is all too familiar with. In her own journey she's transformed from the hurt to the healer, and from sexually abused to sexually empowered, and as someone who's overcome the traumas of her past, she is now helping others like her—both married and single—through their own struggles that keep them from fully developing intimate and healthy relationships.
“My technique is a little different," she shares on our call. “It's a lot more edgy than what I've come across because I've been through therapy and personal development work all through my life as well, so I'd say that in one way my experiences in the past have really shaped my perspectives that I share on Instagram and with my clients today."
In a sense, she is a light revealer, but in order to help others shine in the full essence of who they are, she first had to confront the darkness of her own past.
She grew up in Los Angeles, adopted into a dysfunctional family where abuse was prevalent and molestation their hidden little secret. With every blow and inappropriate touch a piece of her innocence was taken. Feeling confused and alone, Jayd endured the pain until one day, while watching her brother being brutally beaten and strangled, she decided to speak out.
“The physical abuse was reported before the sexual abuse," she says. “I actually wasn't planning on telling anyone about that until someone had asked me about it randomly, and I couldn't lie because my facial expression basically revealed the truth. And even when it was exposed it was so dark and made people so uncomfortable. It was so shameful that no one could really talk about it or be held accountable for it."
She and her brother were moved from a physically and sexually abusive home to one where the mother dispensed emotional blows, plunging Jayd into a deeper darkness as she continued moving from foster home to foster home.
As she began her physical transformation into a woman, the same curves that attracted male attention when they were once non-existent became tools of manipulation. It started with a free drink here, a line cut at the club there—small conquests that increasingly became bigger as she unmasked the power of sex and sexuality, and decided that what she had to offer would come at a higher exchange rate.
“Usually with sexual abuse victims they either become hypersexual or hyposexual; I became hypersexual. I had also started getting more attention using my sexuality so I started modeling, which then ended up taking me into the adult industry."
Running from her past and the shameful secrets that traditional forms of therapy failed to alleviate, 18-year-old Jayd packed her bags and moved with her then boyfriend to Arizona. At the time she was already earning a living as a car show model, but she soon met a girl who introduced her to the more lucrative lifestyle of adult modeling. It was not only financially fulfilling, but for once, she was able to connect with a group of women who understood and accepted who she was, no strings attached.
“As an adult model all of a sudden I'm in this whole world where I'm not being judged for my past," she says. “If anything there are a lot of girls that share similar pasts as me—sexually abused, raped, molested, all of that stuff. But it was also an industry that I felt really empowered because I could show as much as I wanted for however much I wanted to ask for, and men all of a sudden weren't predators, but they became prey."
Where before she was shamed for her sexuality (her foster mother didn't allow her to wear skirts or dresses in fear of drawing too much attention and becoming a threat) she was now learning to embrace it. Her hips and breasts were no longer detestable, but tastefully displayed for visual consumption.
But there was another level to her sexuality that she had yet to tap into—one where she could not only express her sensuality on camera, but also behind closed doors without fear of being exposed. It was in an adult magazine interview that she conducted with a call girl that she was lured into a world where she could be both her own boss and a sensual vixen when she wanted to and for the right price.
Being a high-end call girl unlocked another part of Jayd's sexuality that centered on desire—not just a need for sex, but also that of independence, freedom, and entrepreneurship. Working for an agency taught her the basics of what it took to thrive in a business where celebrities, politicians, and successful businessman relied on her exclusivity just as much as they did her companionship. She wasn't just an object of lust, but a confidant and safe haven for men who often felt undervalued and unheard in their own homes.
“With my clients they were often living a double life as well," says Jayd. “A lot of them were married, and it wasn't the sex that I was providing them—I'd say the job was 20 percent of the sex, 80 percent was the companionship. And really the companionship was just honesty—this is who I am and I'm not being judged, therefore I don't judge you."
Becoming intimate with her clients also allowed Jayd to develop a deeper intimacy with herself. She continued focusing on her personal development, healing from and accepting her past instead of hiding from it. Her confidence grew not just physically, but emotionally, and though she was living a double-life, it was in this world that she was able to find a light in the darkness.
Over the last year Jayd has taken ownership of her own story and uses it as a platform to empower women and men through the power of sexual healing—a decision made after realizing that her life as an escort no longer served her greater purpose.
“As I grew and evolved as a person, the escorting, the adult modeling, all of that stuff I started feeling like a betrayal of who I was becoming," she says. “The deeper part of me and authentic part of me was starting to emerge stronger than the shadow side of me."
The entrepreneur first launched her business as an intimate dinner series for women, funded through $10,000 worth of Kickstarter funding that she amassed in 21 days. Although her TED-talk like empowerment dinners were a success, Jayd felt they weren't connecting to the deeper parts that the women were keeping guarded. “The women and the speakers weren't going as deep as I wanted them to go, so I started thinking about trying to find more meaning of my past and what I could offer to people."
With her experience working for a personal development company that she was once a client of for eight years, she decided that her talents were best suited for one-on-one interactions where she could get real and get personal.
As a modern-age intimacy coach Jayd specializes in the raw and unconventional. She's not afraid to dig deep, excavating layers that have built up due to years of disappointments and disillusionment by forcing you to look in the mirror. Many of her clients are learning the art of maintaining successful and sustaining relationships as they sift through feelings of heartbreak, rejection, unworthiness, and fear of abandonment among many other things that keep some locked in cycles of dysfunction.
“Even if someone comes to me to work on her marriage, not to say that we don't talk about her husband and the dynamics of her marriage, but we really dig deeper past that. Digging into really who she is so she can uncover where she's blocked and dismissed her own feelings and desires and her own wants, because usually from what I've experienced, when we're unhappy with someone else, it always falls back on us. Where am I not feeling fulfilled? What am I not upholding for myself. What am I taking for granted? What am I not wanting to realize about myself?"
Asking the hard questions has helped in her own relationship as well. Jayd admits that dating was hard throughout the majority of her time working as an escort--she kept the job secret in fear of being judged, but keeping quiet left a void of much-needed vulnerability in her relationships. But just as she began considering leaving the business she met her now husband, and made a decision to bare all to her potential partner.
"I was done with lying, if anything it was eating up at me. So when I met him unexpectantly, I was actually really nervous to be so forthcoming with him, but I did and I wouldn't say he wasn't accepting of what I did, but he was accepting of who I was. He never told me that he wanted me to quit, though he had a hard time with it, and that was a learning experience for both of us because it was the first time I was ever in a truly, completely honest relationship."
Not being judged gave Jayd room to release, grow and becoming a higher version of who she once believed herself to be. Despite her past and unconventional career path she finally found a partner who saw her light and accepted her for who she was.
“It's interesting because I used to be so afraid of commitment," Jayd says. “My biggest fear was to lose my freedom, but when I met him I realized it wasn't freedom that I was searching for, it was the freedom to be me, and that felt most freeing than anything else. So I think that's why we were able to commit pretty quickly because we just knew."
Jayd also attributes her showing up as a whole person, as opposed to compartmentalizing herself, to letting her know that she found the right one who accepted her for who she is--flaws and all.
"I was able to break down those walls and really become more of myself, almost like a butterfly transforming into its whole essence."
For those who've been through similar experiences of abuse, rape, or even an unsolicited touch that may have left them feeling unworthy or afraid of love, she encourages diving deep into who are, not being afraid to confront the emotions that may arise, and keeping a solid support system around you.
"I'm a big advocate of getting support. That whole lone wolf mentality has gone to the wayside, and don't think you can have a really great understanding of who you are by yourself. So whether a woman can connect to her own tribe—a woman she can trust and be vulnerable with, great. I think she can learn a lot about herself. And then through that, because the deeper that you understand who you are, the greater your confidence. And if she doesn't have that tribe then I think she needs to hire a coach or join a personal development organization or group. I don't think you can do it alone; intimacy requires another person."
Everyone has skeletons we wish would remain buried, memories we hope will no longer haunt us, and pain that rears its ugly head whenever someone gets just a little too close to the things that hurt us. But we also have a choice to shine a light on the darkest parts of us and no longer find comfort in our debilities.
Like Jayd we can either choose to remain a victim or become a victor, we can hide from love or become love and embrace it with open arms. And if we decide on the latter, we can reach back and empower those who walk a similar path as us.
All images courtesy of Jayd Hernandez
RELATED
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
____
I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock