An Intimacy Coach Reveals How To Find Love and Heal From Sexual Abuse


There are times when we try to run from our past, not realizing that our pain and experiences are the very things we must overcome in order to live a life we truly desire. We want love, but carry the dark shadows of people who've abused or misused us into our next relationship. We want to be sexually free, but memories of an unsolicited touch from strangers and even loved ones keep us confined. And while there's a desire to be healed—to be open and trusting again—there's a deeper part of us that struggles to let go as a form of self-preservation and protection.

It's something that Jayd Hernandez, an intimacy and relationship coach and founder of Femme Beat, is all too familiar with. In her own journey she's transformed from the hurt to the healer, and from sexually abused to sexually empowered, and as someone who's overcome the traumas of her past, she is now helping others like her—both married and single—through their own struggles that keep them from fully developing intimate and healthy relationships.

“My technique is a little different," she shares on our call. “It's a lot more edgy than what I've come across because I've been through therapy and personal development work all through my life as well, so I'd say that in one way my experiences in the past have really shaped my perspectives that I share on Instagram and with my clients today."

In a sense, she is a light revealer, but in order to help others shine in the full essence of who they are, she first had to confront the darkness of her own past.

She grew up in Los Angeles, adopted into a dysfunctional family where abuse was prevalent and molestation their hidden little secret. With every blow and inappropriate touch a piece of her innocence was taken. Feeling confused and alone, Jayd endured the pain until one day, while watching her brother being brutally beaten and strangled, she decided to speak out.

“The physical abuse was reported before the sexual abuse," she says. “I actually wasn't planning on telling anyone about that until someone had asked me about it randomly, and I couldn't lie because my facial expression basically revealed the truth. And even when it was exposed it was so dark and made people so uncomfortable. It was so shameful that no one could really talk about it or be held accountable for it."

She and her brother were moved from a physically and sexually abusive home to one where the mother dispensed emotional blows, plunging Jayd into a deeper darkness as she continued moving from foster home to foster home.

As she began her physical transformation into a woman, the same curves that attracted male attention when they were once non-existent became tools of manipulation. It started with a free drink here, a line cut at the club there—small conquests that increasingly became bigger as she unmasked the power of sex and sexuality, and decided that what she had to offer would come at a higher exchange rate.

“Usually with sexual abuse victims they either become hypersexual or hyposexual; I became hypersexual. I had also started getting more attention using my sexuality so I started modeling, which then ended up taking me into the adult industry."

Running from her past and the shameful secrets that traditional forms of therapy failed to alleviate, 18-year-old Jayd packed her bags and moved with her then boyfriend to Arizona. At the time she was already earning a living as a car show model, but she soon met a girl who introduced her to the more lucrative lifestyle of adult modeling. It was not only financially fulfilling, but for once, she was able to connect with a group of women who understood and accepted who she was, no strings attached.

“As an adult model all of a sudden I'm in this whole world where I'm not being judged for my past," she says. “If anything there are a lot of girls that share similar pasts as me—sexually abused, raped, molested, all of that stuff. But it was also an industry that I felt really empowered because I could show as much as I wanted for however much I wanted to ask for, and men all of a sudden weren't predators, but they became prey."

Where before she was shamed for her sexuality (her foster mother didn't allow her to wear skirts or dresses in fear of drawing too much attention and becoming a threat) she was now learning to embrace it. Her hips and breasts were no longer detestable, but tastefully displayed for visual consumption.

But there was another level to her sexuality that she had yet to tap into—one where she could not only express her sensuality on camera, but also behind closed doors without fear of being exposed. It was in an adult magazine interview that she conducted with a call girl that she was lured into a world where she could be both her own boss and a sensual vixen when she wanted to and for the right price.

Being a high-end call girl unlocked another part of Jayd's sexuality that centered on desire—not just a need for sex, but also that of independence, freedom, and entrepreneurship. Working for an agency taught her the basics of what it took to thrive in a business where celebrities, politicians, and successful businessman relied on her exclusivity just as much as they did her companionship. She wasn't just an object of lust, but a confidant and safe haven for men who often felt undervalued and unheard in their own homes.

“With my clients they were often living a double life as well," says Jayd. “A lot of them were married, and it wasn't the sex that I was providing them—I'd say the job was 20 percent of the sex, 80 percent was the companionship. And really the companionship was just honesty—this is who I am and I'm not being judged, therefore I don't judge you."

Becoming intimate with her clients also allowed Jayd to develop a deeper intimacy with herself. She continued focusing on her personal development, healing from and accepting her past instead of hiding from it. Her confidence grew not just physically, but emotionally, and though she was living a double-life, it was in this world that she was able to find a light in the darkness.

Over the last year Jayd has taken ownership of her own story and uses it as a platform to empower women and men through the power of sexual healing—a decision made after realizing that her life as an escort no longer served her greater purpose.

“As I grew and evolved as a person, the escorting, the adult modeling, all of that stuff I started feeling like a betrayal of who I was becoming," she says. “The deeper part of me and authentic part of me was starting to emerge stronger than the shadow side of me."

The entrepreneur first launched her business as an intimate dinner series for women, funded through $10,000 worth of Kickstarter funding that she amassed in 21 days. Although her TED-talk like empowerment dinners were a success, Jayd felt they weren't connecting to the deeper parts that the women were keeping guarded. “The women and the speakers weren't going as deep as I wanted them to go, so I started thinking about trying to find more meaning of my past and what I could offer to people."

With her experience working for a personal development company that she was once a client of for eight years, she decided that her talents were best suited for one-on-one interactions where she could get real and get personal.

As a modern-age intimacy coach Jayd specializes in the raw and unconventional. She's not afraid to dig deep, excavating layers that have built up due to years of disappointments and disillusionment by forcing you to look in the mirror. Many of her clients are learning the art of maintaining successful and sustaining relationships as they sift through feelings of heartbreak, rejection, unworthiness, and fear of abandonment among many other things that keep some locked in cycles of dysfunction.

“Even if someone comes to me to work on her marriage, not to say that we don't talk about her husband and the dynamics of her marriage, but we really dig deeper past that. Digging into really who she is so she can uncover where she's blocked and dismissed her own feelings and desires and her own wants, because usually from what I've experienced, when we're unhappy with someone else, it always falls back on us. Where am I not feeling fulfilled? What am I not upholding for myself. What am I taking for granted? What am I not wanting to realize about myself?"

Asking the hard questions has helped in her own relationship as well. Jayd admits that dating was hard throughout the majority of her time working as an escort--she kept the job secret in fear of being judged, but keeping quiet left a void of much-needed vulnerability in her relationships. But just as she began considering leaving the business she met her now husband, and made a decision to bare all to her potential partner.

"I was done with lying, if anything it was eating up at me. So when I met him unexpectantly, I was actually really nervous to be so forthcoming with him, but I did and I wouldn't say he wasn't accepting of what I did, but he was accepting of who I was. He never told me that he wanted me to quit, though he had a hard time with it, and that was a learning experience for both of us because it was the first time I was ever in a truly, completely honest relationship."

Not being judged gave Jayd room to release, grow and becoming a higher version of who she once believed herself to be. Despite her past and unconventional career path she finally found a partner who saw her light and accepted her for who she was.

“It's interesting because I used to be so afraid of commitment," Jayd says. “My biggest fear was to lose my freedom, but when I met him I realized it wasn't freedom that I was searching for, it was the freedom to be me, and that felt most freeing than anything else. So I think that's why we were able to commit pretty quickly because we just knew."

Jayd also attributes her showing up as a whole person, as opposed to compartmentalizing herself, to letting her know that she found the right one who accepted her for who she is--flaws and all.

"I was able to break down those walls and really become more of myself, almost like a butterfly transforming into its whole essence."

For those who've been through similar experiences of abuse, rape, or even an unsolicited touch that may have left them feeling unworthy or afraid of love, she encourages diving deep into who are, not being afraid to confront the emotions that may arise, and keeping a solid support system around you.

"I'm a big advocate of getting support. That whole lone wolf mentality has gone to the wayside, and don't think you can have a really great understanding of who you are by yourself. So whether a woman can connect to her own tribe—a woman she can trust and be vulnerable with, great. I think she can learn a lot about herself. And then through that, because the deeper that you understand who you are, the greater your confidence. And if she doesn't have that tribe then I think she needs to hire a coach or join a personal development organization or group. I don't think you can do it alone; intimacy requires another person."

Everyone has skeletons we wish would remain buried, memories we hope will no longer haunt us, and pain that rears its ugly head whenever someone gets just a little too close to the things that hurt us. But we also have a choice to shine a light on the darkest parts of us and no longer find comfort in our debilities.

Like Jayd we can either choose to remain a victim or become a victor, we can hide from love or become love and embrace it with open arms. And if we decide on the latter, we can reach back and empower those who walk a similar path as us.

All images courtesy of Jayd Hernandez

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.


We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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Featured image by Shutterstock

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