When you're a writer, you learn to avoid living for the comments. The main reason why is because you don't want to get cocky off of praise or beat down by criticism (which is a huge part of the reason why I don't do social media). That doesn't mean there aren't times when I don't tiptoe on in because, well, I am human and humans are curious creatures. Anyway, back when I wrote the article, "7 Signs You're Spiritually Compatible With Someone", a comment that truly moved me was a woman who basically said that she was hesitant to read it at first because she thought that it was gonna be super religious; however, she was pleasantly surprised to see that it wasn't. Because of that, she could receive what was being said.
Unfortunately, a lot of us think that being spiritual is the same thing as being religious when that's not quite the case. While it is possible to be both (check out "What's The Difference Between Being 'Religious' And Being 'Spiritual', Anyway?"), when I speak of being spiritual, I'm coming from the angle of how our spirit is our internal life source. I also appreciate a literal definition of the word—"to encourage; urge on or stir up, as to action".
That's the mindset I'd like you to be in as we tackle this topic. A principle is a fundamental rule or personal basis of conduct. So, when I speak spiritual principles of sex within marriage, I'm talking about the rules and conduct that sex brings in order to stir up (sexual) action in order to bring life—growth, soul, energy, enthusiasm and vigor—into that type of union. Here are the seven that I think are paramount in any marital relationship.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #1: Both People Should Have a Healthy View of Sex
If you're a single person who is looking in on this, I can't stress how important this is. As someone who grew up in the Church and then became cool with a lot of Christian marriage counselors as an adult, I know for a fact that the Church, overall, does a pretty horrific job when it comes to addressing the topic of sex overall, let alone someone's sexual history and personal perspectives on sex prior to getting married. Yet knowing what someone's experiences and feelings are about it is so critical. What were they taught about sex? If they weren't a virgin going into marriage (because yes, wedding night virgins do still exist), what was their first experience like? Was there any sexual trauma that they had to endure and, if so, did they get any therapy for it? What are their expectations for sex? What do they think the purpose of sex is? Have they even stopped to consider that sex is a spiritual act and not just a physical one? These are just some of the questions and concerns that are extremely valid and relevant.
And what if you're already married and you never really discussed these things with your spouse before? There is no time like the present because, the reality is, it's really difficult to have a thriving sex life if you don't have a healthy view of sex and you're not approaching it with your partner in a holistically beneficial kind of way. It takes a lot of self-introspection and emotional maturity to get that good sex isn't just about having a physical level of compatibility; it's also making sure that you're mentally and emotionally sound too. Mutually understanding each other's understanding of sex is so important. Have that discussion as soon as possible, if you haven't already.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #2: Sex Transcends the Physical
On the heels of what I just said, I have shared, more than once, that one of my favorite Scriptures on sex is the Message Version of I Corinthians 6:16-20. It starts off by saying, "There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, 'The two become one.'" Pay special attention to the part that is bold and underlined. Sex isn't just a physical fact because there are spiritual mysteries that transpire when it happens as well. A mystery? A mystery is a secret. You know what else a mystery is? It's a divine revelation. Something that's divine is sacred.
This is a huge part of the reason why I think the term "casual sex" is such an oxymoron. Whether people choose to acknowledge it or not, because sex isn't just about body parts clacking away, there is more to it than the physical pleasure that it brings. You're sacred and so is your partner. This reason alone is why, oftentimes, there are profound insights that transpire during the act itself.
This is also why I constantly encourage married couples to be intentional about cultivating a healthy sexual relationship with one another. The reality is when you're single and sexually active and you take that mentality into your marital union, it can make you a very selfish lover (more on that in a second). It can also cause you to overlook all of the ways that sex helps to strengthen your bond with your partner on levels that truly transcend the physical. So yeah, if you want to maintain a powerful emotional connection with your partner, seeing sex through spiritual eyes is paramount.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #3: Sex Isn’t Just About You
Remember how I said that "single sex" can make people selfish? To be selfish is to be self-consumed and when you're single—which to me means until your tax relational status switches over from "single" to "married"—selfish is what a lot of us are on the sexual tip. While we enjoy the act of sex with someone else, we're not consistently focused on our partner's holistic sexual needs as much as our own. Yet when we're married, a part of what that means is we made the conscious effort to exchange the "me" for "we". This means that our spouse's wants and needs matter just as much as our own. And what that means is we can't have the "single mentality" and make everything about sex be solely about our own views and desires.
Actually, that's one of the most beautiful things about married sex and honestly, marriage, in general. If people are approaching this kind of relationship from a mature standpoint, they are using the union to teach them how to be less selfish. How to learn to truly care about someone else, not just when they "feel like it" but all of the time. How to seek out what their partner needs, both in and out of the bedroom, and how to make a daily decision to acknowledge their spouse's needs until death parts them.
One of the biggest spiritual principles surrounding sex is it's to show you how to stop being so into yourself as your partner learns to do the same. How are you and yours doing in this area right about now? The answer to this one question can reveal a lot about where you are spiritually when it comes to your sexual relationship.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #4: Sex Should Be Creative
If I may, let me circle on back to the Bible, just one more time. The Message Version of Galatians 6:1&5 tells us, "Live creatively, friends…Each of you must take responsibility for doing the creative best you can with your own life." The operative word in there?
Creative. To be spiritual is to be creative. To be creative is to be spiritual. And since sex is a spiritual act, I'm pretty sure you can see where I'm going with all of this, right? A creative person does original things. A creative person is imaginative. A creative person is a visionary who comes up with inventive, clever and stimulating ideas.
I can't tell you how many couples have sat across from me (usually after about seven years into their marriage) and one (or both) of them is irritated like a mug and it's all because they are bored out of their mind when it comes to their sex life. It truly can't be emphasized enough that you're not functioning fully as a spiritual being if you're not tapping into your creative side. Your sex life is not exempt here. Not at all.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #5: Orgasms Are a Benefit, Not the Purpose of Sex
One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle. He once said that the excess of a virtue is a vice; in an interesting way, this applies to this particular point. The musician Jim Morrison once said, "Whoever controls the media, controls the mind" and, unfortunately—tragically, really—the media has worked overtime to program people into believing that sex is a base-level act and humans are to respond to it as no more than being a dog in heat, when that couldn't be further from the truth. I write about sex on this platform literally all the time and while I am a huge fan of folks getting as many orgasms as they possibly can, I absolutely do not think that climaxing is the purpose of sex. Orgasms are a benefit yet it's not the reason why sex was designed; not from a spiritual standpoint, anyway.
And before some of you roll your eyes and assume that where I'm going with this is sex is to procreate, while I definitely think that is one purpose, it's not the top one on my list either (many married folks have sex and don't desire or cannot have children). Sex is about manifesting oneness. It's about bonding. It's about sharing yourself with someone in a way that no other act will allow you to do. It's about cultivating interdependence.
Any married couple who keeps the purpose of sex in mind will be able to find physical pleasure a lot easier to achieve than the ones who leave this out. Because again, while orgasms are bomb, when you're seeking the close-to-miraculous- closeness that sexual activity manifests, that leaves you satisfied in many ways; especially spiritually.
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #6: The Spirit Is Selfless
While it might seem like I've already addressed this point, humor me for a sec. Humans are made of flesh and the flesh can be flawed in so many ways. That's why it's so dope that we have a spiritual side to us. It's what reminds us that there is more to life than what we see and what we want. That's why I'm gonna forever be an advocate of marriage being a spiritual union. It's designed to elevate us on a higher spiritual plain (why do you think it comes with so much warfare? Real talk). Well, while I have already touched on the fact that marital sex should make us less selfish, another spiritual principle surrounding marital sex is that it should make you more spiritual, period.
Just like it's pretty difficult to remain angry during the act of sex (especially when it'sreally good sex), whether husbands and wives realize it or not, it's close to impossible to not tap into the spirit realm, period, when the act is going down. And the more you engage in something that is spiritual, the less you are consumed with your physical side. This means that you ultimately become a more spiritual being which makes you a more selfless person overall. And the more selfless you are, the more you are able to thrive in every facet of your life.
I recently read a study that said orgasms in sex are as potent as painkillers that treat migraines (so much for that "I've got a headache" excuse). Give thanks. I've also read that an orgasm gets us as close to a heavenly experience as possible on this side of heaven itself. Who doesn't want to experience that? And beyond this point, who doesn't want to do something that can ultimately make them a better person? Sex is spiritual. Being spiritual makes you more selfless. Being more selfless makes you a next level kind of being. Just one more reason to want to "engage" as much as possible. Right?
SEXUAL PRINCIPLE #7: SEX. IS. LIFE.
When a sperm and egg come together, it creates new. All of us are here because of this very fact. Hmph. I wonder how many marital sexual experiences would go to another level if they looked at their energy exchanges in a similar fashion—if they recognized that every time they had sex, LIFE came forth. I'm not talking about a little human. I'm referring to all of the ways that I defined life earlier in this article.
Again, synonyms for life include growth, soul, energy, enthusiasm, and vigor. When you have sex with your spouse, the two of you are causing things to grow. The two of you are truly becoming soul mates. The two of you are sharing each other's energy (energy is power). The two of you are igniting a level of enthusiasm in a way that only sex can create. And the two of you are bringing strength to one another. When I said sex is life, I meant it.
It can't be said enough that a clear distinction between a marital union and the kind of relationship that people have with others is you should definitely be having sex with your spouse. And when you really take in how much of a privilege it is to partake in something that is so spiritual, how could you not want to share that experience with them as much as possible. SEX. IS. LIFE. Remember that. 'Til death do you part.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Almost two weeks later, Wicked is still on everyone's lips. The high-grossing film stars Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Glinda, as their characters, tell a story about race and acceptance. However, what has captured audiences on and off the screen are Cynthia's and Ariana's looks as they play on their characters' styles.
Ariana, like her character Glinda, is often dressed in pink, and Cynthia, much like Elphaba, is covered in green. But what also has many people talking is the British actress' nails. Her nails are often long, blingy, and, of course, green. Many TikTok girlies are even doing their own versions of Elphaba's nails. But there's one person to thank for the green nail mania: Shea Osei.
The London-based nail artist has been working with the Wicked actress since she was 16 and shared all the tea on her epic nail styles with Unbothered UK.
Here what she said.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Being The First Thing We See Before Seeing The Character
I was ecstatic. I was happy. It was just great to see my craft, my artistry just out there, not just nationally but globally.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Representing Her Character Development
When we started with the first [nail] look, we chose nice, subtle green ombre nails that show who she is but a calm, chilled-out version of Elphaba. As she grew into herself, became more confident, and found herself, she was more like, yes, this is me, I’m Elphaba, I am who I am, and her nails became more daring. In the salon scene, when she had a transformation, her nails were, one, longer and two, they were more daring. There are many close-ups of Elphaba’s hands in the film, where you see her nails, and you see the difference in what they were [at the start of the film], so I feel like that helps to tell the story.
Shea On Elphaba's Nails Representing Black Womanhood
Yes, it was 100%. And I feel like, yes, the nails represented Black womanhood but also just being yourself. I just feel like the nails represented Cynthia as if to say, ‘I'm Black and I can be a Black witch’. This is who I am. And also, I can have braids and they can be done in any kind of way and can still be styled however is needed. I think we saw, if I'm correct, three or four different braid styles in the movie. Sim Camps, who styled the braids, did an amazing job — there would be mornings when she would be making sure the braids were intact and looked amazing on camera. So, yeah, definitely the braids were an ode to Black culture and the nails were 100% like, yes, we're doing it.
Shea On Seeing The Fan Recreation On TikTok
Yes, I have! If you are going to the salon and you want to recreate Elphaba's nails and let's say, you're going for the nails after the salon scene, where she just gets a fresh set, I would say ask for a plain black base and then ask if they have green foils to stick it on top to give that green effect. Then apply a shiny top coat. And it looks insane! The green ombre is more complicated with colours mixed to give it a green earthy colour.
Shea On The Importance Of Expressing Yourself Through Nail Art, Despite Some Criticism
We love it and don't want anyone to change. Let's look at athletes such as Flo-Jo, remember her nails? Now we have ShaCarri Richardson and her nails are always long and she's always got nice designs [on them]. It’s also Black people, not only Black women — because if you look at athletes that are men that make sure they get their nails painted as well. A$AP Rocky gets his nails painted. It's just so good to see that our culture is so colourful and also so inviting. It’s not only Black people that can have these kinds of nails, anyone can have them. I’m glad we can be the inspiration to everybody and they can draw bits of our culture and add it to theirs.
I like the fact that Cynthia is able to go out of there into the world and still be authentically herself. She hasn't changed for anything or anyone. This is how I am. I like my nails like this, my nail techs love doing my nails like this.
I'm over the moon that Cynthia can go out and still have her nails how she wants to. [Cynthia’s nails] has been a topic this entire Wicked press tour. Everyone will ask Cynthia about her nails in every interview and I love that. I love it because that's who she is. And if you see her you'll see that she's always got her nails done and she’s always got some banging heels on. Even on her down days, she’s always dressed. That's just how she is.
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