Aftercare Should Be A Thing Both Inside & Outside The Bedroom
If you're on the spectrum of kink or maybe you went down a Google rabbit hole at some point throughout the 50 Shades of Gray craze, you probably already have an inkling of what aftercare is. The best way I can describe what aftercare is, is an intimate check-in that occurs after any level of BDSM interaction has occurred. For every couple, it looks different, ranging from actions like washing one another or a sultry massage/rub down or even cuddling. It can even be verbally communicative, providing positive reinforcement and sharing how the interaction made you feel. In the kink community, aftercare is absolute and understandably so!
However, it never occurred to me that this practice should be normalized in a handful of potentially traumatic interactions that might take place in our romantic relationships. Well, until I saw a tweet that suggested it, that is! The tweet read:
"Aftercare in relationships, in general, isn't discussed enough. If we get into a huge fight, there needs to be aftercare. If we have some wild ass sex, there needs to be aftercare. If we have a series of super deep discussions, there needs to be aftercare."
I was immediately all snaps for this concept. Because, yes, arguments can absolutely be traumatic. Anything can become a traumatic experience if we don't take care.
What Is Aftercare?
In the same way that Black parents refer to their children's romantic partners as "little friends," you may have already been practicing aftercare without labeling it. Immediately, the "never go to bed angry" philosophy comes to mind and it's absolutely rooted in aftercare principles. The wise old adage acknowledges that while couples may not come to a consensus on whatever it is that has created a divide or tension, this disagreement doesn't mean that I'm loving or caring for you less. And it is often followed by a gesture that makes the sentiment actionable. Couples may kiss it out, hug it out, or even sex it out. They may simply say, "I love you." But, I wouldn't be opposed to us being more intentional about aftercare---calling a spade a spade and putting it into practice for better or worse. It would be a game-changer for intimacy in so many capacities but especially in strengthening nonsexual intimacy through facets such as communication. It provides a lofty opportunity to explore one another's love languages.
I say this given the rawness and vulnerability that likely follow acts like rough sex or a bad argument---acts that need to be validated---and the best way to validate a partner is caring for them through their love language. I've had plenty of disheartening arguments that left me wide-eyed, awake, and angry, perhaps even feeling like unwanted goods. And I've definitely felt like unwanted goods after having what I perceive as wild sex and not being properly cared for afterward---especially where hook-ups are concerned! A nigga just fucked me doggy style and the first thing they do is sit up, wipe their dick off with a worn shirt, and then throw their Timbs on? Oh, I'm for sure feeling some type of way.
And, therein lies the other piece of what aftercare in the kink scene gets right: it does not discriminate based on relationship status. Everyone gets aftercare, to not leave the experience feeling used and abused. It doesn't matter if you're romantically involved or solely sexual.
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The Importance Of Incorporating Aftercare Into Your Relationships
Put into practice, aftercare provides a safe space to speak on things that perhaps you all failed to communicate prior to sex. For example, if something during sex triggered you because you're coming from an abusive past and your partner touched you in a way that reminded you of said abuse, it opens the floor to speak on those things when the two of you come together for a moment afterward to check-in. While this may seem unlikely, especially when considering this is an actual scenario that might take place in a romantic relationship — unfortunately, the reality is that many couples struggle with communication and vulnerability in relationships — thus it wouldn't be far-fetched for either party to be triggered by rough sex or even regular sex where one touch threw the mood.
Whether we care to admit it or not, trauma is a subjective experience and maybe it's my own trauma speaking but it's pretty impossible to go through life never incurring any of the baggage that comes along with it. Sometimes we can prevent the creation of more or rehashing of old, unhealed trauma.
Introducing Aftercare To Your Partner
If you're interested in introducing aftercare to your partner, it's always suggested that you discuss it with them so that they are aware of the expectation that they will hopefully participate and reciprocate. But I also think it would be safe to introduce them to aftercare by simply doing a show-and-tell setup, if you will. If you know your partner's love language, try to tap into that when providing them with aftercare post-whatever — sex, deep dialogues, arguments — literally what.ever. This is especially encouraged if your partner's love language is anything other than "gift giving" and I only say that to acknowledge the others will be easier to integrate into aftercare since they don't require much premeditation.
If quality time is their love language, sit and play a game with them after a bad argument. Physical touch can be as simple as holding their hand, caressing their face, or giving them a long hug. Try words of affirmation like, "I appreciate that you were willing to share the deeper, more intimate parts of yourself with me tonight. It says so much about the man you are." (Hell, I'm convinced the way the male ego is set up, they all might be equipped with physical touch and words of affirmation as love languages.) And if your partner's love language is gift-giving, get creatively corny. Seriously, when has giving someone a key to your heart ever gone wrong?
Aftercare doesn't have to be over-thought nor difficult. It's actually just an extension of the things we already knew but with intention.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images