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Aftercare Should Be A Thing Both Inside & Outside The Bedroom
If you're on the spectrum of kink or maybe you went down a Google rabbit hole at some point throughout the 50 Shades of Gray craze, you probably already have an inkling of what aftercare is. The best way I can describe what aftercare is, is an intimate check-in that occurs after any level of BDSM interaction has occurred. For every couple, it looks different, ranging from actions like washing one another or a sultry massage/rub down or even cuddling. It can even be verbally communicative, providing positive reinforcement and sharing how the interaction made you feel. In the kink community, aftercare is absolute and understandably so!
However, it never occurred to me that this practice should be normalized in a handful of potentially traumatic interactions that might take place in our romantic relationships. Well, until I saw a tweet that suggested it, that is! The tweet read:
"Aftercare in relationships, in general, isn't discussed enough. If we get into a huge fight, there needs to be aftercare. If we have some wild ass sex, there needs to be aftercare. If we have a series of super deep discussions, there needs to be aftercare."
I was immediately all snaps for this concept. Because, yes, arguments can absolutely be traumatic. Anything can become a traumatic experience if we don't take care.
What Is Aftercare?
In the same way that Black parents refer to their children's romantic partners as "little friends," you may have already been practicing aftercare without labeling it. Immediately, the "never go to bed angry" philosophy comes to mind and it's absolutely rooted in aftercare principles. The wise old adage acknowledges that while couples may not come to a consensus on whatever it is that has created a divide or tension, this disagreement doesn't mean that I'm loving or caring for you less. And it is often followed by a gesture that makes the sentiment actionable. Couples may kiss it out, hug it out, or even sex it out. They may simply say, "I love you." But, I wouldn't be opposed to us being more intentional about aftercare---calling a spade a spade and putting it into practice for better or worse. It would be a game-changer for intimacy in so many capacities but especially in strengthening nonsexual intimacy through facets such as communication. It provides a lofty opportunity to explore one another's love languages.
I say this given the rawness and vulnerability that likely follow acts like rough sex or a bad argument---acts that need to be validated---and the best way to validate a partner is caring for them through their love language. I've had plenty of disheartening arguments that left me wide-eyed, awake, and angry, perhaps even feeling like unwanted goods. And I've definitely felt like unwanted goods after having what I perceive as wild sex and not being properly cared for afterward---especially where hook-ups are concerned! A nigga just fucked me doggy style and the first thing they do is sit up, wipe their dick off with a worn shirt, and then throw their Timbs on? Oh, I'm for sure feeling some type of way.
And, therein lies the other piece of what aftercare in the kink scene gets right: it does not discriminate based on relationship status. Everyone gets aftercare, to not leave the experience feeling used and abused. It doesn't matter if you're romantically involved or solely sexual.
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The Importance Of Incorporating Aftercare Into Your Relationships
Put into practice, aftercare provides a safe space to speak on things that perhaps you all failed to communicate prior to sex. For example, if something during sex triggered you because you're coming from an abusive past and your partner touched you in a way that reminded you of said abuse, it opens the floor to speak on those things when the two of you come together for a moment afterward to check-in. While this may seem unlikely, especially when considering this is an actual scenario that might take place in a romantic relationship — unfortunately, the reality is that many couples struggle with communication and vulnerability in relationships — thus it wouldn't be far-fetched for either party to be triggered by rough sex or even regular sex where one touch threw the mood.
Whether we care to admit it or not, trauma is a subjective experience and maybe it's my own trauma speaking but it's pretty impossible to go through life never incurring any of the baggage that comes along with it. Sometimes we can prevent the creation of more or rehashing of old, unhealed trauma.
Introducing Aftercare To Your Partner
If you're interested in introducing aftercare to your partner, it's always suggested that you discuss it with them so that they are aware of the expectation that they will hopefully participate and reciprocate. But I also think it would be safe to introduce them to aftercare by simply doing a show-and-tell setup, if you will. If you know your partner's love language, try to tap into that when providing them with aftercare post-whatever — sex, deep dialogues, arguments — literally what.ever. This is especially encouraged if your partner's love language is anything other than "gift giving" and I only say that to acknowledge the others will be easier to integrate into aftercare since they don't require much premeditation.
If quality time is their love language, sit and play a game with them after a bad argument. Physical touch can be as simple as holding their hand, caressing their face, or giving them a long hug. Try words of affirmation like, "I appreciate that you were willing to share the deeper, more intimate parts of yourself with me tonight. It says so much about the man you are." (Hell, I'm convinced the way the male ego is set up, they all might be equipped with physical touch and words of affirmation as love languages.) And if your partner's love language is gift-giving, get creatively corny. Seriously, when has giving someone a key to your heart ever gone wrong?
Aftercare doesn't have to be over-thought nor difficult. It's actually just an extension of the things we already knew but with intention.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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Mariee Revere On Her History-Making Million-Dollar Sales And The Future Of MoonXCosmetics
If the name Mariee Revere sounds familiar, it's probably because you heard of her beauty and skincare brand, MoonXCosmetics, or you may have heard about her history-making achievement of making $1.8 million in less than eight minutes. But before starting her million-dollar brand, Mariee was just a teenager trying to cure her acne.
While she grew up in the skincare capital of the world, South Korea, Mariee didn't really experience breakouts until her senior year of high school. Like many people who get their first breakout, she didn't know what to do, and there weren't many products out there at that time. So she decided to experiment. What she didn't know was that what she came up with would ultimately be her ticket to success.
"When I graduated high school, I moved back to America, Georgia, and I ended up making, like, the oil, the Rose Galore oil, which is like the staple product of my brand. I don't know what made me make it, but I did, and it literally cleared my face up," she tells xoNecole in an exclusive interview.
"I end up selling it as a body oil first because, obviously, I'm 17, [and] don't have any background as an esthetician or anything like that. I just made a product that worked for me, but people bought it and was using it, and I reformulated it, and then it just stuck like with me."
While MoonXCosmetics is known for its facial products, it wants to expand to body care and home. It just released its new product, Moon-Gel body wash, and it's only up from there. As Mariee continues to grow the brand, it's more than likely that she will see more history-making moments. And so far she has.
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When asked if she feels pressure to obtain more of those milestones, she says yes and no. "I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more," she says.
"I want to say more reach than more like fast-paced sales. I do want that. Obviously, every girl wants that, but I do want to have a better overall reach for my brand because I did take two years off so I was able to learn, [and] study a lot of different things. See how things have changed from 2020 to now."
"I did $1.8 [million] again, and then I did $2 million but I feel like now, currently, I don't look at that as one of my goals anymore because [of] the headache and just everything that came with it, but I was thankful and blessed to have that milestone, but now I'm looking for more."
Another part of expanding for any company is hiring people. Finding the right person to help you can be a hassle, especially for business owners who are used to doing all the work themselves. Mariee can relate to this, and she touched on this topic in her documentaryThe Million Dollar Story. She recommends having someone be your "right-hand man" who you trust to handle the ins and outs of the company.
"I could say, definitely get, like a right-hand man to help you within the process because that really was what helped me. I never had a job. I literally was 18 now, being like, you know, the boss of over 30+ employees at one point in time, and I didn't know anything. I didn't know anything about no W-2s, no taxes, no clock in, clock out because all I [have] ever known was my brand," she explains.
"So I definitely partner with people who are very skewed and versed in those areas, and they helped me get through it. Even to this day, I still have my same person helping me with hiring, firing, [and] doing everything that I can right now because I'm still learning. But obviously people get jobs young, so they have way more experience than me, but still learning."
And though she is still learning, one thing she makes sure to stay on top of is being consistent. Consistency is what trips many people up when it comes to achieving goals, but Mariee says it's all about scheduling. Whether it's when to post on social media or email marketing, scheduling it out can make a world of difference. That same practice also works when planning out her future goals for the company.
"Right now, future goals would be to drop at least five more products before the end of the year. We always do outreach, where we do drives and all that, but definitely do way more this year, she says. "Then really dive into body [care], and then hopefully open up MoonXBody underneath MoonXCosmetics to let that branch out and be open and definitely get back consistent."
For more information, visit moonxco.com.
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