Whew, y'all. I know some of you clicked on this fast AF, but let me just say two things before getting into the whole Jada/August/Will saga. One, we really need to stop talking about celebrities like we know these people personally (unless we actually do). No one is perfect and, honestly, even the hashtag #relationshipgoals is pretty annoying. I mean, I can't tell you how many times folks would tell me that they wanted a marriage that was just like Jay Z and Beyoncé—well, they wanted it until Jay Z admitted that he had been unfaithful. People are human and humans are flawed. This means that relationships also are flawed as well. Every single one. Some more than others. Second, you don't have the time and I don't have the space to try and cover all things Will and Jada or Jada and August. Will and Jada have been married for over 25 years and, according to Jada, she and August have been done for a few years now. We're never going to know the whole story because we aren't involved in Will and Jada's union. As far as Jada and August, I've been in enough relationships—and situationships—to know that perspectives are everything.
Very rarely do both individuals have the same one, let alone the people who are looking from the outside in.
I just wanted to get that out there beforehand because, before I do shallow deep dive into what Jada shared when she met herself at the table today (you can check it out here), I think it's important we keep in mind that speculations aren't facts. Opinions aren't either. We all certainly have the right to both. However, my motivation for penning this is more of a cautionary tale of how we can find ourselves in things that 1) we may not have been prepared to get involved in and/or 2) oftentimes don't have an expiration date, in the sense of when they'll come back up again. Which is why we should always choose wisely. Very much so.
Anyway, as a marriage life coach, I'm pretty sure I could come up with 15 points. But, for now, here are my three main takeaways from what Jada Pinkett Smith, August Alsina and Will Smith had to say about…well, you know.
TAKEAWAY #1: Guard Your Heart
I'll be the first to raise my hand in this class and say that I was sooooo prepared for Jada to skirt around what August said had transpired between them—an affair. After all, when you're "coming to the table" to get to the bottom of things, typically that needs to involve all of the parties; yet her Red Table today was only her and Will. Still, I must admit that Jada was surprisingly candid. Maybe a little uncomfortable along the way (understandably so), but she did admit that, 4 ½ years ago, her friendship with August turned into what she first said was "a different kind of entanglement". Well, she went with "entanglement" until Will offered push back so that she would admit that it had been an actual relationship. Jada said that she and Will had been going through a difficult time back then, to the point where they basically separated and weren't sure if reconciliation was even on the table.
"I was in a lot of pain. I was very broken…I wanted to feel good," expressed Jada. She also shared that she was aware that she was codependent at the time and "It helped to heal somebody". (No one heals anyone by the way. We support them through their own healing. It can take a codependent a really long time to grasp that point.)
As a codependent-in-recovery myself, let me tell you that I totally get where Jada is coming from. When folks are hurting, some reach for a bottle, some reach for pills, some reach for people. For her, it was people. More specifically, August. I guess that, since she and Will felt as if they were on the outs, it was justifiable (especially since she said, later on in the interview that "I don't look at it like a transgression at all…I was able to do some real healing.")
To that, please let me just say that, as a marriage life coach, I think it's important to keep in mind that until someone is divorced, they aren't. Yes, I know that different people do marriages different ways. I also know there have been rumors for years that Will and Jada are in an open marriage (in part, due to her saying things like Will is not her husband but her life partner and Jada also saying that Will "can do whatever he wants" as long as he can look himself in the mirror); however, I'm speaking to the "August Alsinas" of the world.
When you fall for someone who is in a bad place in their marriage, they're separated or even they're simply in something that's complicated, you are risking—A LOT. Not only that but you also tend to waste (yes, waste because waste means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return") time, effort and energy that you'll never get back on a person who took vows with their spouse, no matter what they may have offered you.
That's why, the first takeaway for me is, it's so important to guard your heart. Again, Jada said that she and August started out as friends. They then became really good friends. And then, well, the rest I think is left up for interpretation, but we know that it didn't remain platonic. And what I gathered from both Jada and August's take on their entanglement/relationship is, not only was it intense, there was pain experienced in the fallout (according to Jada, she didn't just up and cut August off one day; he actually abruptly ended all communication with her; that can be quite painful).
Listen, being married doesn't make you oblivious to other people. And while I do think that mature married individuals can have opposite sex friends, even single ones, boundaries need to be clear. That's how husbands and wives can guard their hearts. As far as us single folks? It really is best to go into any interaction with someone who is married (or in something long-term) like they are not an option. PERIOD. If you know that is going to be difficult for you, for the sake of your own heart, health and well-being (not to mention your time, effort and energy), it's probably best to leave "said person" alone. PERIOD. Otherwise, while your interaction with someone who is already involved might be great for a while, it tends to end. Eventually. Case in point—no matter how…whatever Jada and August's relationship was, it wasn't him that she was looking at today from across the table. It was her husband.
TAKEAWAY #2: Love Doesn’t Have to Kill You. It Really Doesn’t.
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I like August. Again, I don't know him personally, so what I mean when I say that is, I like his music, his heart for his family, his resilience related to his health, his openness about fighting through his demons—for the most part, I like what I see as far as how he strives to work through what is clearly a very full plate. But it wasn't my "like" for him that had me totally convinced he wasn't making the relationship up in his head (like A LOT of people claimed before today's table talk). When I saw the video for "Nunya" with visuals that featured Jada's middle name "Koren" last spring (even though he denied it was about her, which was…weird), I knew something was up then. That's because I've dated musicians before. When you move them, you become their muse. You're gonna hear about it too. Literally. And then when I watched his interview with Angela Yee at the top of the month. Whew.
"I totally gave myself to that relationship for years of my life. And I truly and really, really, deeply loved and have a ton of love for her. I devoted myself to it. I gave my full self to it. So much so to the point that, I can die right now and be OK with knowing that I truly gave myself to somebody. And I really loved a person. I experienced that. I know what that feels like and some people never get that in this lifetime. So, I know that I'm completely blessed…I have literally never been in love in that kind of way. So much so that, being intertwined in that kind of way…walking away from it? Butchered me. I'm shaking right now because it almost…killed me. Not almost. It did. It pushed me into being another person. My newer self. It…broke…me…down. It was a part of me being paralyzed, trying to pull myself apart. It will probably be the hardest thing that I will ever experience in this lifetime."
When I heard August say all of this, I wanted to just give him a hug. Not a groupie hug. A big sister kind of embrace. I know what it's like to love someone so fully that it almost suffocates you. At the same time, healing and retrospection have taught me that oftentimes, that's not so much love as it's chemistry, connection and need. See, I'm the kind of woman who isn't fond of people saying things like, "Love hurts" or "Love is blind". From a spiritual sense, it's because the Bible tells us that "God is love" (I John 4:8&16), and He doesn't do either of those things to us. From a broader scope, I just think that seeing love through that lens teaches us to look at love from a dysfunctional space. Love doesn't hurt us. Choosing to love someone who isn't the best complement for us? That can hurt. Love isn't blind either. But the oxytocin highs from sex, the total preoccupation with someone who keeps you from using common sense, the wanting something so badly that you'll abandon all reality—those things can blind you to the truth.
I wanted to hug August, not because he fell for Jada. I get that. It's because he fell for a married woman who, through the experience, he said it butchered him; that even with all of his health issues and the loss of his own sister, nothing has hurt him more. Yet, to him, the silver lining was, if he never loved again, at least he could say that he had. Oh, August. You deserve so much more than that. All of us do. Our greatest love experience shouldn't "butcher us"; not by a long shot. I really do hope that some real healing transpires so that he can look back and see Jada more like a lesson instead of the love standard. Someone else's spouse should never be our mountaintop of how we think love should be.
TAKEAWAY #3: ENVY. NO. ONE.
I'll be honest. Watching Will and Jada discuss this situation today? It's probably the most in sync I've seen them in a very long time (it was just this past April that Jada said quarantine made her feel like she didn't know her husband at all). Maybe it was a united front for publicity's sake. Maybe August's spilling of the beans has resulted in some recent heart-to-hearts. Who knows? But there were a few things that they said that definitely inspired my final point for today.
Will: "We came together young…we both were broken in our own ways."
Will: "[Marriage] ain't for the weak of heart."
Will: "I wish it could be all marriage and miracles."
Jada: "You gotta go through some shit to get the answers."
Will: "There's real power in just knowing that somebody's riding with you, no matter what. And you can't know that, until you go through some stuff…I don't wanna go through this anymore…I'm gonna get you back first."
Jada (in response): "I think you've gotten me back. I think we're good on that."
Will (in response): "That's probably true."
Those quotes? That's not a fairy tale marriage. Not by a long shot. You know, I've heard people say since, forever, that Will and Jada are the epitome of Black love. Lord, y'all. Will and Jada are two human beings who are trying to figure life's journey out, just like the rest of us. That's a "full stop" statement. When other people let us peek into their world (or even when we find ourselves snooping), our resolve shouldn't be "I want what they have". We should be more in the mindset of, "I appreciate what they've shared. How can I apply those thoughts or tips to my own situation?" No more. No less.
Besides, if you get caught up in envying someone else's relationship, not only does that cause you to approach your own from an altered angle, 8 times out of 10, you're going to end up disappointed. If not immediately, eventually. That's not the couple you were putting on a pedestal's fault. You've got to own every ounce of your own disillusionment. So yeah, don't envy other people. It profits you nothing. Not one damn thing.
Anyway, no matter what kind of marriage Will and Jada have, at the end of the day, I will rock with Will from the perspective of marriage ain't for punks and 25 years is a really long time to be with someone. I will also commend him for making this statement to his wife—"I told you the first year that we were married that I can love you through anything."
If there's any main thing to take from this entire semi-saga, y'all—it's probably that.
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Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
_____
Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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