Truths From A Former Side Chick

Truths From A Former Side Chick

Reserve your judgement until you read the entire article.

Her Voice

Reserve your judgement until you read the entire article. Lower your raised eyebrow and untwist your lips. I know that it's probably hard for some of you to do when you've had your relationship challenged by women that couldn't respect your relationship. Equally, your boyfriend didn't respect it nor you either. But again, you clicked on the article so just hear me out once you're done rolling your eyes.

In the past, I found myself in a situation where I was unknowingly the woman on the side.

At the beginning, I had no clue. Upon meeting the guy, I was told that he was going through a recent breakup. We went out as normal, talked on the phone, exchanged text messages, and took time to get to know each other. Prior to him, I hadn't been on a date in three years. Might I add, I was in my mid-twenties. Most of my friends were either married, engaged, or in a long-term relationship. I was feeling the pressure as I was constantly asked, "When are you going to find a boyfriend and settle down? Is there no one at your church you can date?" It wasn't as though I was keeping myself locked away in a tower to never be seen. Men just hardly looked my way nor started conversation. So, when I met this guy who approached me and was persistent, I was looking for anything that resembled a relationship. Let's be real, Netflix and chilling by yourself gets old.

There is a difference between being alone and being lonely and quite frankly, I was dealing with the reality of both at the same time. And temporarily, his company cured that.

Slowly, yet surely, his excuses for disappearing were non-stop. I had a gut feeling at this point that he was still seeing his "ex" girlfriend. Time revealed just that. His ex-girlfriend was never an ex. Of course, I confronted him about it. And what did I get? Excuses about how it was complicated. The logical thing was to walk away. And I tried. I sank back into my old predictable routine of going to work, church, and sitting on my couch watching reruns of sitcoms with a bowl of popcorn. Reluctantly, I was reeled back in for a few weeks before I cut it off for good.

The surprising thing was that I wasn't only the side chick in the situationship with him. I was also the side chick in some of my friendships. Yes, this is why I asked that you reserve your judgement. I was a side chick to some of my friends. We hung out only when it was convenient for them. If they were married or in a relationship, I was generally called when they needed to vent, going through a breakup, or their significant other wasn't available. I rarely got a call or text from them first otherwise. Like before, I'd hear excuses as to why certain friends weren't attending functions and pulled disappearing acts.

Whether in friendship or romanticized, my value was not respected.

Their convenience was priority and I was expected to take what was dealt to me. It was then that I realized that it was true; people continue to treat you the way you allow them to treat you. With that, just as I did away with the guy I was allowing to have access to me, I did away with a few friendships and cut my ties. I take full responsibility for my actions of sticking around longer than what I should have. You're truly responsible once you find out you're being used or placed in a situation you didn't initially agree to. Sorry ladies, but once we find out the truth, we can't keep putting the blame on the men if we choose to stay.

As much as we don't like to admit it, desperation and a longing for acceptance keeps us in associations longer. It keeps us checking social media to count the 'likes' and comments on our posts. It keeps us searching for validation of being relationship worthy when those around us seem to meet men and establish a relationship with ease.

Though we never want to claim our weaknesses, there is strength in owning your shortcomings and actively working towards bettering yourself.

To my former side chicks, I hope that you realize the value that you possess. You deserve to be bragged about and uplifted for more than just your pretty face and curves. You deserve the congratulatory praises for your character, tenacity, your boss moves, and courage. You're worth more than a last minute invite to dinner or to grab drinks because they are bored. Queen, start treating yourself better.

And to my sisters that have been subjected to disappointments due to infidelity, I'm sorry that you've been hurt.

While we are all human and make mistakes, ensure that his bad choice doesn't become continued bad behavior because you do deserve respect and loyalty. On the flipside, make sure you're not treating your girls like your side chicks. They know you have a man and you're busy, but reaching out to them first goes a long way. Friendship is not convenient.

Sometimes that means you'll have to take a night and just hang out with your girls like old times and pour a glass of wine, talk, laugh, and catch up. Your friends don't want to be your side chick either.

Have a truth you're dying to tell on our platform? Share with us by sending your personal essay to submissions@xonecole.com for your chance to be featured.

Featured image by Shutterstock

The Evolution Of Serena Williams

It is like witnessing magic when you watch an athlete do what they do best. To see a mere human soar in the air over to the other side of a bar or to witness someone run at a speed quicker than a human thought. A basketball player defying gravity just to get a ball into a hoop. A ballerina turning their body into a top, spinning and spinning without fatigue.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Lori Harvey On Dating With A Purpose & Not Compromising Her Peace For Anyone

Lori Harvey’s dating life has consistently been a hot topic on social media and now the model is shedding light on some of her dating do’s and don’ts. In an episode of Bumble’s new “Luv2SeeIt” content series, the SKN by LH founder sat down with the series' director, producer, and host Teyana Taylor and disclosed some quote-worthy thoughts on dating and relationships.

Keep reading...Show less
Black Women, We Deserve More

When the NYT posted an article this week about the recent marriage of a Black woman VP of a multi-billion-dollar company and a Black man who took her on a first date at the parking lot of a Popeyes, the reaction on social media was swift and polarizing. The two met on Hinge and had their parking lot rendezvous after he’d canceled their first two dates. When the groom posted a photo from their wedding on social media, he bragged about how he never had “pressure” to take her on “any fancy dates or expensive restaurants.”

It’s worth reading on your own to get the full breadth of all the foolery that transpired. But the Twitter discourse it inspired on what could lead a successful Black woman to accept lower than bare minimum in pursuit of a relationship and marriage, made me think of the years of messaging that Black women receive about how our standards are too high and what we have to “bring to the table” in order to be "worthy" of what society has deemed is the ultimate showing of our worth: a marriage to a man.

That's right, the first pandemic I lived through was not Covid, but the pandemic of the Black male relationship expert. I was young – thirteen to be exact – when Steve Harvey published his best-selling book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Though he was still just a stand-up comedian, oversized suit hoarder, and man on his third marriage at the time, his relationship advice was taken as the gospel truth.

The 2000s were a particularly bleak time to be a single Black woman. Much of the messaging –created by men – that surrounded Black women at the time blamed their desire for a successful career and for a partner that matched their drive and ambition for the lack of romance in their life. Statistics about Black women’s marriageability were always wielded against Black women as evidence of our lack of desirability.

It’s no wonder then that a man that donned a box cut well into the 2000s was able to convince women across the nation to not have sex for the first three months of a relationship. Or that a slew of other Black men had their go at telling Black women that they’re not good enough and why their book, seminar, or show will be the thing that makes them worthy of a Good Man™.

This is how we end up marrying men who cancel twice before taking us on a “date” in the Popeyes parking lot, or husbands writing social media posts about how their Black wife is not “the most beautiful” or “the most intelligent” or the latest season of trauma dumping known as Black Love on OWN.

Now that I’ve reached my late twenties, many things about how Black women approach dating and relationships have changed and many things have remained the same. For many Black women, the idea of chronic singleness is not the threat that it used to be. Wanting romance doesn’t exist in a way that threatens to undermine the other relationships we have with our friends, family, and ourselves as it once did, or at least once was presented to us. There is a version of life many of us are embracing where a man not wanting us, is not the end of what could still be fruitful and vibrant life.

There are still Black women out there however who have yet to unlearn the toxic ideals that have been projected onto us about our worthiness in relation to our intimate lives. I see it all the time online. The absolute humiliation and disrespect some Black women are willing to stomach in the name of being partnered. The hoops that some Black women are willing to jump through just to receive whatever lies beneath the bare minimum.

It's worth remembering that there are different forces at play that gather to make Black women feast off the scraps we are given. A world saturated by colorism, fatphobia, anti-Blackness, ableism, and classism will always punish Black women who demand more for themselves. Dismantling these systems also means divesting from any and everything that makes us question our worth.

Because truth be told, Black women are more than worthy of having a love that is built on mutual respect and admiration. A love that is honey sweet and radiates a light that rivals the sun. A love that is a steadying calming force that doesn’t bring confusion or anxiety. Black women deserve a love that is worthy of the prize that we are.

Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.

Featured image: Getty Images

Tisha Campbell Opens Up About Finding Herself Again After Divorce

Tisha Campbell has a new show on Netflix called Uncoupled which stars Neil Patrick Harris as his character learns to rebuild his life after a breakup with his long-term partner. While Tisha’s character may not be going through a breakup, the veteran actress has had a similar experience in real life. The Martin star divorced the L.A.’s Finest star Duane Martin after 22 years of marriage and 27 years together in total. Soon after the divorce was finalized, Tisha claimed that Duane left her with $7 to her name but now she is in the restoration phase of her life.

Keep reading...Show less
Honey & Spice Author Bolu Babalola’s Hopeful Romance
Some may see romantic comedies and dramas as a guilty pleasure. But author Bolu Babalola indulges in the genre with no apology.
Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

Former Beyoncé Dancer Deja Riley On Changing Her Career For Her Mental Health

"I felt like I was not enough. And my mental health is important. So when I started feeling that way, I knew that it was time to shift."

Latest Posts